description
poetry
Posted 09-18-2009 at 08:24 AM by bookworm
Here is a poem I'm going to let my fellow classmates critique for my creative writing class.
The Fair
The smells of axel grease
And sweat
Mark the opening of the fair-
The grinding and creaking
Of carnival rides, and the
Tinkling of the carousel.
Voices jangle in the evening air,
Children squealing, vendors barking
Noisy laughter sparkles down the midway.
Balloons pop, a child cries,
A bell clangs as a prize is won,
And a band begins to play.
Unconcerned animals lay
On scattered straw,
And bare cage floors
Ignorant of the vibrant ribbons
Proudly displayed,
Proclaiming rank and title.
Enticing sticky sugar treats,
Feathery cotton candy
And warm, buttery popcorn tempt fair-goers,
Their siren-song aromas
Promise savory delight.
Tables of craftwork fill a large hall,
Quilts and knitting, dolls and macramé,
Conventional and old fashioned.
Adjacent halls flaunt painted landscapes,
Peaceful watercolors, bold oils,
Evoking a longing, a craving, to create.
Stars spread across the sky, reflected
By the windows of the waiting cars-
Patient sentries in the dark.
Tiny arms wrap around my neck,
Tired hands and feet hang down,
And another pair of little feet drag through the gravel.
The Fair
The smells of axel grease
And sweat
Mark the opening of the fair-
The grinding and creaking
Of carnival rides, and the
Tinkling of the carousel.
Voices jangle in the evening air,
Children squealing, vendors barking
Noisy laughter sparkles down the midway.
Balloons pop, a child cries,
A bell clangs as a prize is won,
And a band begins to play.
Unconcerned animals lay
On scattered straw,
And bare cage floors
Ignorant of the vibrant ribbons
Proudly displayed,
Proclaiming rank and title.
Enticing sticky sugar treats,
Feathery cotton candy
And warm, buttery popcorn tempt fair-goers,
Their siren-song aromas
Promise savory delight.
Tables of craftwork fill a large hall,
Quilts and knitting, dolls and macramé,
Conventional and old fashioned.
Adjacent halls flaunt painted landscapes,
Peaceful watercolors, bold oils,
Evoking a longing, a craving, to create.
Stars spread across the sky, reflected
By the windows of the waiting cars-
Patient sentries in the dark.
Tiny arms wrap around my neck,
Tired hands and feet hang down,
And another pair of little feet drag through the gravel.
Total Comments 10
Comments
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I love it! I have only been to the fair a few times in my life and this is exactly the way I remember it. Great job Bookworm!Posted 09-18-2009 at 05:35 PM by Dia Minha
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Thanks, Dia!Posted 09-19-2009 at 05:03 PM by bookworm - This is great BW! I was just there on Friday and it's all so TRUE! Other than I missed the "art" side, sadly.
My favorite part is the last few lines, with the tiny arms wrapped around your neck. I can just feel it all myself.Posted 09-20-2009 at 09:12 PM by Meticulous madness -
I really enjoyed this, BW. I'm just curious....I've never had work critiqued before. What exactly will they be critiquing? Let us know how it goes!Posted 09-21-2009 at 04:53 PM by 5ft Diva - I'll have to let you know, this is my first time, too! I wrote critiques this week, basically we tell what we think the poem is about, what works in the poem and what doesn't work in the poem. He's told us to be nice, not just critical or rude, so hopefully it will be a pleasant experience.
Posted 09-21-2009 at 07:53 PM by bookworm - I love your use of language...voices jangle, laughter sparkles, halls flaunt, siren-song aromas. Such good imagery! So good that I missed it when it went a little dull....large hall and feet drag for instance, could be spiced up. Could "hall" be cavernous? And in gravel, feet crunch...but then that doesn't get you the tiredness you're wanting to convey. Could they slouch?
It is a wonderful poem though! It makes me want to try to draw the picture! I love how you kept each stanza focused on a type of experience. And also that each stanza is built around a sense.Posted 09-24-2009 at 09:04 AM by Erudite - You are so brave to post something you have written. I like it! (And I've read a fair amount of peotry because of my Mom & sister.) Nice descriptive words that paint a picture in the reader's mind. And, it's not some cheesy forced-rhyme poem. I'm anxious to hear how your class responded... =)Posted 09-24-2009 at 10:51 AM by natickgirl
- Thanks, NG!Posted 09-25-2009 at 04:22 PM by bookworm
- Okay, so my poem was workshopped last night. Some suggestions were made that I dismissed as not being right for me, but a few things I will probably use. One line I struggled with in writing the poem was the "buttery popcorn" line. Naturally, this line came up as being "too commercial- sounding like an advertisement for the fair". I thought that was right. So I need to decide how to re-work the descriptions of the food smells and such. Also someone suggested working the children in earlier, and having more personal-type statements, such as the one where the artwork envoked a desire to create. I like those suggestions, and I will probably rewrite it sometime...
On another note, though, I came away feeling worn out. I felt kind of exposed as they sat and discussed my poem and, by extension me as a writer. It was weird! I realized, too, that I need to toughen up, because this was relatively gentle criticism, and it was hard to sit there and hear it-- imagine when I first submit a manuscript to an editor or a publishing house how thick-skinned I need to be to handle heavy criticism and outright rejection! This class is going to be a good first step in preparing for such a thing...Posted 09-30-2009 at 07:48 PM by bookworm - Good suggestions. Sounds like a great class. I am far to wimpy to subject any of my writing attempts to criticism. (But, ironically, I am by far my worst critic.) Good luck!Posted 10-06-2009 at 09:33 AM by natickgirl
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