http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/ This is a discussion forum to help address the needs of the body n spirit. We are predominantly a female forum, but males are more then welcome. We pride ourselves on being open, honest, and fun. Come Join the Fun. en Fri, 10 Sep 2010 06:02:38 GMT vBulletin 720 http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/family-drama-241/ Sun, 11 Jul 2010 21:57:45 GMT This week I got a very nasty email from one of my sisters. She was upset, because my mom was planning on taking two of my girls up to Oregon for my... This week I got a very nasty email from one of my sisters. She was upset, because my mom was planning on taking two of my girls up to Oregon for my nieces wedding and she wanted her daughter to go with Grandma, by herself. My mom often takes roadtrips and packs one or two grandchildren with her to keep her company. My sister was so upset and not just about that, but for some reason she was upset that I was pregnant on bedrest, have five other children to care for, and my mom is helping me out. She has some how gotten the impression that I am so overwhelmed and stressed and have been for the last 10 years that my mom is "raising" my children.

This happend just 8 years with a different sister and that sister is still not talking to me. I'm not sure where they get this stuff. Yes, my mom babysits my children, but before I was on bedrest she had them for one over nighter in a year, and had watched them for a couple of hours a couple of times over the space of about 4 months.

The thing that makes this so odd, is my sisters kids are at grandma's just about every weekend. She is married to a man that is not their father. He is not very loving or caring toward her children. I'm sure it is easier for her to maintain their relationship when the children are gone over the weekend. She also lived with my mom off and on for many, many years. During those years she was working full time and my mom would help her out taking the kids to doctors appointments, (at one time she was driving her daughter to weekly allergy shots that would take as much as three hours to get to and from), driving them to and from school and other activities, taking her son his diabetic medication and whatever else he would forget in the mornings, etc. That is just the way my mom is. She loves being with her grandkids and will do whatever she can at any given moment to be with them and is more than willing to help out if it means time with them.

Now, back to the wedding. My sister in Oregon invited my oldest daughter to come spend a couple of weeks with them this summer, just like in summers past. Then her daughter got engaged last Feburary and started talking dates, which just happened to be around the time I was due to have a baby. So immediately I started coordinating with her and my mom. I knew my mom would be planning on going to the wedding and it would save at least a one way plane ticket to get my daughter up there. This niece has a special relationship with my 6 year old so I thought it would be nice to send her up to the wedding as well. About five weeks ago, my sister started showing interest in sending her daughter to the wedding as well. My mom was more than happy to take the three of them. Then out of the blue, I get this email about how I am so selfish and demanding and take advantage of my mom, because I am so overwhelmed and stressed trying to raise 5 almost 6 children and I shouldnt' be sending my girls to the wedding, because they won't be here when their little brother is born. They can't even come to the hospital, so I don't know why this is such a big deal to her.

I'm hurt. I'm torn apart and broken inside. I thought I was just beginning to heal and mend the realtionship with the other sister that did this to me 8 years ago. However, it is perfectly clear to me from statements made on Facebook, that she is very much involved in this whole thing. Both of them have been getting along quite well lately and spending a lot of time together. I should have known it was because they had developed a common enemy.

Not only did she choose to send me this email, she sent it to me on the anniversary of my son Levi's birth/death, while on bedrest fighting high blood pressure. I was already emotional and dealing with pain and she chose that opportunity to stomp all over me.

I understand she thinks all of these things to be true. For someone reason she has taken the times my mom has helped me and created these assumptions that somehow whatever my mom does for me diminishes what she has done for her. However, it doesn't seem to minimize the pain she has caused me. I know she is in a lot of pain. She has made some terrible mistakes in her life and has paid for everyone. Her third marriage doesn't seem to being doing to well. Her children's father has nothing to do with them. She has struggled financially, although she has managed to make several vacations to Mexico, buy boats and camping trailers, etc. yet, complains about not being able to pay for her sons diabetic supplies or for him to play football. And somehow, all her problems seem to be my fault.

This is the same sister that threw a sweet 16 birthday party for her daughter last fall and I spent 2 weeks hunting down and making costumes so my children could attend. We drove all the way up to Ogden to attend, because she had put so much time and effort into the party and was worried that no one would come. We got home after 11:00 that night and I had to get my whole family up and ready the next morning for my sons baptism and hosted a luncheon for everyone that came, which she was not in attendance, because she was "too tired". Like I wasn't "too tired" to make such an effort to support her the day before.

Anyway, I'm sure you will be hearing more from me about this, because this isn't just going to blow over in a week or so. Thanks for letting me vent in a safe and healing way. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/family-drama-241/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/year-debt-year-paying-off-196/ Mon, 23 Feb 2009 02:13:42 GMT The year of debt, started around the birth of our 5th child in July of 2006. We had terrible insurance. She cost us over $4,000 and at the time we... The year of debt, started around the birth of our 5th child in July of 2006. We had terrible insurance. She cost us over $4,000 and at the time we were paying approximately $600 a month in insurance premiums . A couple of months later our stove blew up, literally. Then, the garage door fell down, again, literally. Next it was the washing machine and then the dishwasher. During all this we were trying to put in a fence, grass, and retaining walls for the yard. Then to end the year we had another little baby, in July of 2007, that again cost us around $4,000. And as my oldest son put it, we didn’t even get to bring him home. We were over charged severely for his delivery, but the more charges we fought the less the insurance paid and the more we had to fork out, so we quit fighting.

Anyway, in just a years period of time we had accumulated over $10,000 in debt. I was feeling picked on and deprived. It wasn’t like we had spent the money on new carpet, furniture, vacations or a flat screen tv. Everything was in line with being a necessity. Of course I beat myself up over the fact that we could have “lived” without a new garage door and a dishwasher. We could have moved in everything from the garage into the basement and kept our vehicles locked and just had the broken door removed, because it was impossible to lift up. And of course we could have washed our dirty dishes by hand. We had some money in savings, but not enough to cover so many unexpected expenses in such a short amount of time.

So there we were, with $10,000 in credit card debt and in the middle of trying to put in a yard and feeling the desperate need to finish our basement. Toward the end of the year 2007, we sat down and decided that it had to stop. The year of 2008, was going to be our year to get rid of our credit card debt. If we were going to get our finances in order, we were going to have to come up with a plan. Our plan began with a budget and a goal to cut back on all unnecessary spending. This included things such as a new tv even if the old one went out (it was on its way out, but it made it) and we even included that one car was a necessity, two was a want. So if the car went out it was done, but the van needed to be fixed.

I also made a year birthday plan. The kids all got quilts for their birthdays, because that is what they needed. No toys or other items were given for their birthdays during that year. It also just happened to be a good year, because nobody was going to have a party that year. We also meant that the yard and basement were going to have to wait for another year. We also cut way back on Christmas. Almost half as a matter of fact. We did push back our last payment, because we decided it was more important to support as many worthy causes as we could. So, even though we spent less on ourselves, we ending up spending the same, because we gave so much more.

The last thing we did was recommit to shopping at Macey’s. It was something we had talked about first thing in our marriage, but I had gotten caught up in the $.50 boxes of cereal at Albertsons and buying some regular grocery items at Wal-Mart, because they were cheaper. So we recommitted to buying all our grocery items at Macey’s, because they were closed on Sunday. Even if it meant spending more on groceries. We continued to pay an honest tithe and a generous fast offering. We worked out our budget in such a way that we had as much money as we could to put on the credit card. The goal being to pay it off before the end of the year. The interesting thing being, I followed the budget very well, for about 4 months. Then some things got out of line and I didn’t do so good with it for the rest of the year. However, I believe that the one thing that pulled us through and made it possible was the commitment to shop at Macey’s. That was the only thing that changed that year, from any other year we had tried to pay down debt. I truly believe Heavenly Father blessed us to make all this possible.

Anyway, after a year of putting almost everything on hold, we made it. Not only did we pay off our credit card, but we paid off our van three months early. I say almost everything, because we did turn a funeral down in Arizona into a family vacation and we did find ourselves making a few unnecessary purchases, but all in all we went without a lot to make it work. There were some days, that I felt like it wasn’t worth it and it was very hard. Now I look back over the last year, and it just doesn’t seem like it was that hard. Heavenly Father blessed us so much. For the first time in my life I fill like my blessing are coming so fast and so many that I don’t have the capacity to receive them all.

I am so thankful to have had this opportunity. It isn’t like I would ever ask for all these things to happen so that we could be in so much debt. However, I learned so much from the experience, it is hard not to be grateful for it.

You have probably noticed, that I have not been blogging much. It is my fear of not being able to produce anything worthy of being read. I don’t think this is beautifully written by any means. In fact, I wish I could get my brain to do some editing. Yet, I feel the need to post this now, or it might not get posted at all. I hope that somebody somewhere finds something in this that is helpful. For that is the real reason I blog in the first place. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/year-debt-year-paying-off-196/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/writing-words-189/ Mon, 29 Dec 2008 05:38:29 GMT Writing does not come easy to me. It is something that I have to work very hard at. I know what sounds good. I can hear when a phrase or word... Writing does not come easy to me. It is something that I have to work very hard at. I know what sounds good. I can hear when a phrase or word works and when it doesn't. I love creating complete thoughts from words that roll off the tongue, creating their own melody. I just don’t understand why it is so hard for me.

Words are a very poor substitute for emotion. There are too many times that an emotion cannot be explained or expressed, only felt. I know a good writer can make a reader feel. A good writer can express or explain any emotion so well, that the reader can’t help but feel it. I know that at times I am blessed to be such a writer. Then there are times that I have to work so hard at it, that it doesn't feel like a talent or a gift. It feels like torture.

Knowing what doesn't sound right and not being able to fix it, is torture. Knowing that I am not expressing the true emotion and not being able to do so, is torture. Knowing that the reader will read this and not be able to feel it, is torture.

Having to write everything in WordPerfect to have access to a direct thesaurus feels like cheating. Not being able to come up with the right words on my own makes me feel like a fraud. Again I know what sounds good. More often then not, the word is being stretched from my cluttered mind one letter, one sound at a time, waiting to spill onto the paper, yet, I just can’t seem to pour it all out at once. It takes that little list of words, all closely related, for it to be released.

So why do I keep writing? I’m not quite sure. I’m drawn to it. It is a release of pressure. It makes me think, yet, clears my mind. I am able to process and complete thoughts, bringing them out of a mess of continuing circles, and onto the paper in a nice, neat, straight line. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/writing-words-189/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/nutcracker-pictures-185/ Tue, 16 Dec 2008 21:23:35 GMT I think I finally figured this out. Image: http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/PhotoGallery/images/21/medium/1_Picture-_156.jpg This is my oldest... I think I finally figured this out.


This is my oldest dancing Clara, in Miss Margene's Nutcracker. I love this shot.


For some reason we didn't get any really good pictures of the fight scene with her in her nightgown. I will have some professional ones to post later, but I loved this one of her in her royal cape. This was taken during dress rehearsal on the stage.


This really didn't have anything to do with the show. They had to rerun a few things and they were just walking back across the stage. I just loved the way the picture looked. To me it shows the watchful care of this particular prince over his Clara.


This one was also taken at dress rehearsal. The Prince is showing off his kingdom to Clara as they ride through the forest, over the ocean, and through a snowstorm, while they stay warm and snug in a swan carriage.

Ok I guess I didn't quite get it figured out. I'll have to work some more on these pictures. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/nutcracker-pictures-185/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/why-i-love-miss-margenes-nutcracker-184/ Sat, 13 Dec 2008 17:49:06 GMT I have tried several times to express what I have seen, heard and felt these last few months, watching my daughter rehearse and then perform the part... I have tried several times to express what I have seen, heard and felt these last few months, watching my daughter rehearse and then perform the part of Clara in Miss Margene’s Nutcracker. I drove her to and from practices two to three times a week for almost two months. I watched a lot of those rehearsals, but nothing prepared me for what took place Wednesday night. I have never seen a more magical performance of the Nutcracker in all my life and I have seen so many. Everything was brighter, clearer, more colorful and better than ever.

I have always been a little leery to invite a lot of people. I love Miss Margene’s Nutcracker, but have gotten a lot of negative feed back over the years. Often when inviting friends and family members that have not seen this production before, I have found myself making excuses for its length, for the extra numbers that are not a part of the traditional Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Ballet, and for all the little mishaps that seem to happen each performance, with lighting, sound, stage props, or for the performers who are not your typical “ballet” students. This year, however, I threw caution to the wind and let my daughter invite whomever she wanted. I figured it was her right to want everyone she loved and cared for and understood loved and cared for her, to be there. Every single person that came and witnessed this major production for the first time, loved it. I did not receive one negative comment from any of them.

I feel like I have gotten way off track, because I really wanted this to be about my daughter’s amazingly perfect Clara performance. However, I do not have the words to describe it. It was just too beautiful and magical to put into words. There are many forms of art and writing is one of them. Yet, dance is an art form in itself and not meant to be read. So, I will just say this; when all was said and done, I really feel sorry for anyone who knows and loves my daughter and missed her performance.

Now back to what makes Miss Margene’s Nutcracker exceptional.

The reason this particular production of the Nutcracker goes so long is, because Miss Margene has so many dance classes. She has so many students, in order for each of the classes to perform she has added several non-traditional dances. Many of her students are very young. She has eight preschool dance classes. The majority of her performers are under the age of ten. In order to break up the monotony of watching so many young dancers, her more “professional” dancers preform several times throughout the night. These are her older high-school and collage students and her teachers, whom are former students and most have received full-ride dance scholarships either to the University of Utah or BYU. I have seen the Ballet West performance of the Nutcracker and Miss Margene’s older students are just as good of dancers, though they do not dance ballet, with toe shoes, like the professionals. This adds to the performance immensely. The middle aged dancers are often paired up with the youngest ones during each dance. They are taught to respect and care for their “little sisters” and often a bond is made that continues throughout the years. Besides the reasons she does it, Tchaikovsky is not the original author of the Nutcracker story. He based his ballet on a story written by E.T.A. Hoffman, which is way different than the story we know today, because of the ballet being so popular. Yes, Miss Margene uses Tchaikovsky’s music, but she has just has much right to right her own version of the story as he did. Personally I love that the Prince and Clara travel through a forest and over an ocean and not just through the land of the snow. It gives the audience a chance to really travel with them and over a distance that shows how really far away the land of dreams is. In the second act the audience has the opportunity to travel all over the world and visit more countries than Tchaikovsky’s audiences.

Miss Margene's resources are limited. Her productions take place in a high school auditorium, not a professional stage. She can not do any major construction or pay for professional stage hands, sound or lighting crew. If she did, she would not be able to offer scholarships and exchanges to her many students that can not afford to pay. Thus, there are things that go wrong. Curtains refuse to fall, spotlights are not always centered, cannons misfire, sound goes out and comes back on, which will then play havoc on the sensitive ear, because the volume gets off and is sometimes too loud for the audience and too soft for the dancers. But, even with all this Miss Margene still manages to pull one of the best productions of the Nutcracker in the state of Utah and does it with gratefulness for what she does have and handles each new mishap with patience. On the Wednesday night performance the sound went out completely during the Arabian dance, but the dancers kept dancing. Yes, music adds to the movements, but I found it amazing how the dancers were able to continue in step and on beat. I found the movements even more wonderful. It was like being deaf and having all your other senses make up for what was not there. It had to be hard for the dancers to know were they were suppose to be and stay together without the music cues, but they did it and did it well.

The most astounding wonder that makes Miss Margene stand above the rest is her dancers. She turns no one away. Very few of her dancers have a “dancers body”. Some are too big or too little to be considered a “typical ballerina” and yet they are all given the same opportunities. She has two dancers in particular that have a medical condition called dwarfism. She has one with down syndrome and another that is mentally handicap. I believe this only adds to the beauty of the performance and if you talk to her students you will find they feel the same way. Miss Margene teaches more than dance. She teachers her students to care for and love their bodies, no matter its size, shape, or handicaps. She teachers them how to get along with and respect those who are different than themselves. This could be the children mentioned above or just simply those that are younger. Her students walk away with much more than a knowledge of how to move their bodies beautifully, but how to live life to the fullest.

And now that I have had so much positive feedback, I know that I am not alone in the way I feel and think. I can not express to you what that means to me. And more importantly, I can not begin to express how thankful I am to have the opportunity for my girls to be a part of something so wonderful.

I will try again later to share with all of you my daughters performance. Now that I have been able to share all this I can better concentrate on her once in a lifetime role and be able to more fully express what it was like to be in that audience to those of you that couldn't make it. I really wish I could just reach in and take it out of my heart and place it in yours, because words are no substitute for really feeling it and being a part of it. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/why-i-love-miss-margenes-nutcracker-184/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/parable-pebble-my-shoe-177/ Mon, 15 Sep 2008 02:17:11 GMT I love walking in the morning. There is nothing quite like watching the world wake up. One morning last month I had just turned the corner on the... I love walking in the morning. There is nothing quite like watching the world wake up. One morning last month I had just turned the corner on the last stretch home when I got a pebble in my shoe.

My first thought was, “How did this pebble get in my shoe?” I was wearing my running shoes and they were laced up tight. The heel of the shoe came up over the back of my ankle. There wasn’t an obvious place open for the pebble to enter. There was nothing I could have done to prevent the pebble from getting into my shoe.

Then I caught myself asking, “Why is this pebble in my shoe?” and “Why now?” What silly questions. At this point it doesn’t really matter why. The only thing that matters is what am I going to do about it. So I asked myself, “What am I going to do about it?”

I came up with two options. I could stop and take the pebble out of my shoe or I could just keep on walking. I considered it for a moment and realized that the pebble only hurt when it moved. If it stayed in the same place than the spot where the pebble was causing the pain would go numb after a few steps and disappear. I knew that if I stopped and took the time to remove the pebble, I would loose my momentum down that last stretch and I would not be as happy with my workout. My second option was to continue walking at the same pace and try and work the pebble into a spot where it wouldn’t hurt so much or where it would remain still. I knew that I could push through the workout even with a little bit of pain, so I choose to keep walking.

Later I thought back on the silly “why” questions and realized that many times when going through a trial or a set back I often get stuck on asking why. “Why me?” “Why now? If these questions could be answered than the lesson would be learned and I could move on. However, the majority of the time it isn’t that simple and I must concentrate on finding other answers.

The first question I need to ask when I find myself in an undesirable situation is, “How did I get here? Could I have done something to prevent it?” If I could have prevented it in the first place, than I would look at what I should have done and move on, with a decision not let it happen again. If I couldn’t, than I still must press forward and ask myself, “What am I going to do about it now?” By concentrating on what can be done instead of getting stuck by complaining and whining about the whys and how it wasn’t my fault, I can learn, grow and press forward ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/parable-pebble-my-shoe-177/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/unfinshed-yard-176/ Mon, 15 Sep 2008 00:33:47 GMT One Friday last Spring Matt and I went on an afternoon date to Home Depot. It is one of our favorite date spots. This particular time we were dream... One Friday last Spring Matt and I went on an afternoon date to Home Depot. It is one of our favorite date spots. This particular time we were dream shopping for the yard. As we strolled up and down the aisles I would stop periodically and picture a certain tree, flower, or shrub growing in front of my house. By the time we left I had created a magnificent garden. A garden found only in fairy tales, with hanging vines and stone walkways. Trees and shrubs bursting with color in the fall. Flower boxes full of assorted blue, yellow and white flowers, blooming from Spring to late Summer. Butterflies flitting underneath the weeping trees, stopping to rest lightly on the flowers planted specifically for them. I walked the path, among the trees, in the orchard, along the North side of the house, as they blossomed in the spring and hung with beautiful ripe fruit in the late summer. I strolled past the vegetable garden as green sprouts began to rise up through the rich, dark, soil. I watched the green sprouts flower and then produce fruit of different shapes, sizes and colors. I passed through the gate covered in laden grape vines and back among the flowers where I was embraced with their sweet fragrance.

As we drove home the image became stronger as I continued to hold and develop it in my imagination. As we made the last turn onto our street toward our drive I fully expected to be greeted with the garden I had pictured in my mind. I was completely taken back when we pulled up the drive next to the big pile of rocks, surrounded by weeds. There were no trees, no shrubs and no flowers. The orchard and vegetable garden were no where to be found.

There have been many times I have been able to see the fairy tale garden, but only in my imagination. I have looked out over my front yard and have seen the weeping trees and rock path way. I have been able to smell the flowers and watch the shrubs turn colors in the fall. I have picked the fruit from the orchard and the vegetables from garden boxes many times in my mind. As the time grows closer to making the dream a reality, there are more times that I see my yard with all its potential and less times that I only see the weeds and the big pile of rocks. Only when I stop to look at it through someone else’s eyes, and wonder what others think about my yard, do I become discouraged with what I have yet to accomplish.

I spend way too much time wondering what other people think of me. I get discouraged with myself because even though I know I am making progress it does not show on the outside. If I could concentrate on my potential, on how Heavenly Father sees me, I would feel better and do better. How often have I looked at a friend, a neighbor, or a family member and have seen only their imperfections, because I am concentrating so hard on my own. I believe that how we see others is directly related to how we see ourselves. The more I concentrate on my own flaws, the easier it is to see others. Just like I can see what I want my yard to become, Heavenly Father can see what He wants me to become. He can help me pull the weeds and prepare the soil for planting. He can help me remove the rocks and lighten my load. He can help me water, prune and otherwise care for myself in a way that will bring me closer to reaching my goal and fulfilling my life calling. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/unfinshed-yard-176/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/funny-potty-story-169/ Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:35:10 GMT Today after swimming lessons, I ran the kids through the tub. Just has I was pulling my almost two year old out, my four year old came running in,... Today after swimming lessons, I ran the kids through the tub. Just has I was pulling my almost two year old out, my four year old came running in, hollering about a spider in the basement. A couple of years ago we found a black widow in the laundry room, so the kids have been instructed to come get us any time they find a spider in the house. I wrapped a towel around my two year old, set her down on the floor and followed my four year old to the basement. After squashing the black, but not black widow spider, I took a second to change the laundry and then headed back upstairs. Before I could even spot my two year old, I smelled the poop. I have a very sensitive nose and can smell a lot of things most people wouldn’t. My first thought was the dog we are dog sitting had left me a surprise somewhere on the carpet. Then I remembered my two year old was running around without a diaper. The first thing I did was check her bum. Sure enough she had signs of having just gone poopies. I wiped her clean and dressed her in a dry diaper. Then, I set out looking for the little present I knew had to be on the floor somewhere. I checked the hallway, the bedrooms, the dining room, the kitchen, no poopies. I could still smell it so I knew it was there, but I couldn’t find it. My nose finally settled in on the bathroom. I pushed the door all the way open, thinking I would find a little pile right in the middle of the floor. Again, nothing. I started to walk out when I noticed something in the bottom of the toilet. I leaned over and to my surprise, sitting right on the bottom, was a two year old size poopie. I’m not sure how she did it. She is tiny and I can’t imagine how she got up on the seat, let alone kept herself from falling in while she deposited her little package. However, there it was.

Up until now my two year old has shown little interest in the potty. She will sit on grandma’s little potty, but only on her own terms. Anytime anyone else has suggested she try it, she would just put down her little head, pout, and walk away. This was also her way to handle swimming lessons. When the instructor would try and get her to do something with the other kids she would stand up, put down her head, stick out her bottom lip, and walk away. Of course after hanging out with just mommy for a while she would do what it was that he wanted her to do in the first place. It just had to be her idea. And no celebration. If the instructor happen to see her do it and cheer for her or if mommy gave to much praise, once again, there was the immediate stand up, head down, pout of the lip and the sullen walk away.

At least I know what needs to be done, to get her potty trained. We have taken all the pre-potty steps; pointing out when she is making poopies, when she would pee in the bathtub and encouraged her to sit on the potty when caught doing either. However, I believe today is the day to buy new panties (hopefully Winnie the Pooh), a new potty seat (again hopefully Winnie the Pooh), and a new bathroom stool (our last one broke). Then we will spend a lot of naked summer afternoons, with mommy attentively watching from a distance. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/funny-potty-story-169/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/results-stomach-biopsy-167/ Sat, 07 Jun 2008 00:00:06 GMT Last week I went in for an endoscopy. I was a little concerned that my doctor was even suggesting I go for one, since I thought my problem... Last week I went in for an endoscopy. I was a little concerned that my doctor was even suggesting I go for one, since I thought my problem swallowing was just due to my acid-reflux and he would just give me a prescription.

I went in to the hospital last Thursday and they put me to sleep, while they poked a tube with a little camera down my throat. The surgeon did not find any scar tissue that could be causing the problem, nor any cancer, so that is good. What he did find is bacteria. I guess there is this bacteria that in the stomach can cause ulcers. He has put me on a very strong regiment of acid controlers and anti-biotics. I have to take four huge horse pills morning and night for 14 days.

I guess I should be grateful that there isn't a more serious problem, but I find myself having a little pity party. With all my doctor's visits and lab tests I'm beginning to feel a little like a test rat. And of course, because there is not one doctor that can take care of everything, I find myself overwhelmed, keeping up with all the news, and making sure each doctor is up on my new prescriptions and results of the new tests.

And this is just the beginning. I won't get the ultra-sound results from today until next week. Not that I think they are going to give me any more information than what my OBGYN has already shared with me. It was mostly just to get a baseline on where, how many, and how big my fibroids are so he can track their progress. I guess it is important to know if they are growing, shrinking, or multiplying. I'm not sure this information will help me make a decision any time soon. I need to do some more research. The studies are all very confusing. Doctors say one thing, while the patients say another. I don't know who to trust. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/results-stomach-biopsy-167/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/opening-session-womens-conference-2008-166/ Wed, 14 May 2008 00:57:28 GMT We are all alike. We all have insecurities. While planning my trip to Women’s Conference I found myself wishing that I had some nice black slacks... We are all alike. We all have insecurities.

While planning my trip to Women’s Conference I found myself wishing that I had some nice black slacks or at least two nice tops to dress up my jeans a bit. However, I just didn’t have the time, ambition, or money budgeted for clothes that I didn’t really “need”. So I wore my best jeans, with two of my nicest t-shirts and my little black tennis shoes, with new gel inserts. While arriving on campus my sister mentioned that she felt awkward in her dark corduroys with her dirty white tennis shoes. She watched all the women carefully, as we made our way to the Marriot Center, hoping to find someone else who was also wearing dark pants with white tennis shoes. It didn’t take long. Of course her first thought was that this woman’s shoes were at least clean. My question to her was, “Does it bother you that the one women you found dressed just like you is probably the same age as our mother?” We knew that the most important thing was to be comfortable, especially our feet, but couldn’t help admiring the other ladies, fine suits and stylish shoes and tops.

I wish I had written down the name of the lady who conducted the opening session. She informed us that she had boughten a new Spring outfit just for Women’s Conference. However, when she awoke to the chilly, wet, weather she decided to wear something warmer. She of course was smart enough to put on her most comfortable shoes. It wasn’t until she arrived on campus that she realized that her suit jacket was pink and her shoes were red. She confessed that she felt like she had arrived in that place. A place that my sister and I had been discussing earlier. That time in our lives where comfort as become more important than style.

I couldn’t believe it. Here this amazing wonderful women, a leader in the church, whom many women, young and old look up to and she was concerned about the same things my sister and I had been worrying about. For some reason the fact that we were not dressed the way we would have liked didn’t seem to matter so much. This was my first lesson at Women’s Conference. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/opening-session-womens-conference-2008-166/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/womens-conference-2008-outline-165/ Wed, 14 May 2008 00:48:57 GMT This is the outline of my experience at Women's Conference May 1-2, 2008. Hopefully it will be followed by many more. I want to eventually create an entry for every class I was able to attend. For now this is just some experiences I had that I thought would be fun to share.

A week or so ago, I found out my sister was coming down from Oregon for her daughter’s graduation from Snow College in Ephraim Utah. Since it was going to be the same weekend as Women’s Conference she wanted to know if I would like to go with her. After scheduling it with DH (he was able to work from home on Thursday and already had Friday off) I was set to go.

We left at 6:30am Thursday morning, arriving on BYU campus at 8:00. As we drove around searching for an appropriate parking spot we were amazed at all the women. Even before reaching campus we were surround in min-vans packed with women. The excitement increased as we joined hundreds of women on a march to the Marriot Center. We checked in, doubled checked our route to our first class and joined thousands of women in singing, learning, and laughing. Sheri Dew was amazing. What am I saying? Sheri Dew IS amazing.

We then raced down to the bottom of campus to attend a class on the Holy Ghost. We were blessed. We found out later that day, many had been turned away. Being the craziest women I know we raced back up to the top of the campus, for our second class on Family Recreation. In fact, it was so far up that it wasn’t even on campus. We arrived quite out of breath and even though it was less than 40 degrees outside we were sweating. We had just enough time to munch on our packed lunch of fresh veggies, Triscuits, and string cheese, before being inspired on how to keep our families bound through play. Because we had made such great time between our first and second class we slowed down on our way to the third. We missed getting in by about 200 other women. So we raced up the stairs for our second choice and were turned away with only 10 other women in front of us. A little disappointed a little more than discouraged, because we felt gypped (women cutting into a moving line while we were snaking around to find the end) we made our way back up to the Marriot Center. We finished up the final class there on using the “Strength of Youth” and than hung around for the final Thursday session.

We spent an hour or so in the BYU bookstore. Once while almost being ran over by a young man, presumably a student at BYU, we heard him declare into his cell phone, “Everywhere I go there are all these middle aged women”. My sister and I cracked up. That is the first time I have ever been called middle age. I’m not sure how I feel about it. After spending some time in the bookstore and grabbing a light dinner we made our way back to the Marriot for an amazing night of entertainment. We were blessed to hear some amazing LDS song writers and singers. During one particularly upbeat song, the crowd rose to their feet clapping and screaming. My thought was, “I wonder what that young man would think of all of us ‘middle aged’ women now? My favorite performance was Hilary Weeks. She is a great comedian and an amazing song writer. Both songs she sang for us, brought tears to my eyes. The last filling me with such power, there was no stopping the tears. She shared with us the story behind the song. Some friends of hers had lost a daughter after a fight with cancer. They wrote her a little note that she read on the plane on her way back home, after attending the funeral. Their note said something about asking others not to try and find the right words, but just let them cry. I was so touched. This was, IS, the way I feel about losing Levi. Sometimes I just want people to quit telling me I’ll be with him again someday and just let me cry. We so wanted to stay to the very end and listen to Michael Mclean, but had to slip out about 9:45, because we were due in Ephraim to pick up my niece.

We left the Marriot Center in complete darkness and somehow got completely turned around. Even though my sister went to school at BYU many years ago, the darkness made it impossible for us to figure out which direction we were headed. We stopped a young man and asked if he could point us to the stadium where our vehicle was parked. Instead of giving us directions he asked if we would like a ride. He walked us to a line of parked vans, where more than a few young men where standing around waiting to drive us “middle aged” women wherever we would like to go. They were so kind and we were so grateful. We watched as they helped a couple elderly ladies into the van and then without complaint folder up a wheelchair and climbed behind the wheel. He chatted with us all until we had reached our destination. Before any of us could move he hopped out, ran around to the side of the van, opened the door, put down a step stool and helped each lady out by reaching for her hand. He made sure we were all safely to our vehicles, before driving away for his next load.

We headed out of Provo and once again due to the dark and too much chatting ended up missing our exit. After stopping at a gas station to buy a map we were able to get back on track, but did not reach our motel room in Ephraim until 11:30 that night. We checked in and than headed to Snow College where we packed up my nieces things into the van. Many of those boxes and bags gave us our toning workout for the day, which I guess helped us a balanced out all the cardio we had already done. We finally climbed into bed around 1:00, but where unable to go to sleep so chatted into the morning. I think I finally fell asleep about 2:30. The alarm went off way to early and after turning it off we fell back asleep. I woke with a start about 45 minutes later and jumped out of bed. We were late. We get dressed quickly and were out the door carry our breakfast with us soon after.

Because of our late start and once again missing an exit, because of chatting to much we arrived on campus right at 9:00. We were surprised to see so many women still out making their way to the Marriot Center. We arrived only to find notices on all the doors that every area was full. We decided to join several other women on the floor in front of a big screen tv to listen to Sister Beck. At one time I found myself needing to use the restroom. I thought about hanging out in there, because it was easier to hear, but after being startled by the women in the stall next to me talking on her sale phone, while using the toilet of course, I decided that I would take my chances in the hall.

Sitting in the hall for that session sure gave us an advantage for getting to our next classes. We split up and speed walked with all the other racing women, down our preset paths. Our time the day before walking and marking the best path to our desired classes for that day paid off. Both of us arrived with plenty of time and space to spare. I was soon joined by another “lone” lady who had left her group of sister-in-laws to come to a class on choosing Good Better and Best to de-clutter and simplify our lives. We got to chatting. I asked her how many years she had attended and she told me it was her second, but that her sister-in-laws had been coming for years. I told her that I had a friend that had come for years, but had just had a baby so was unable to make it this year. She said her sister-in-laws were kind of freaky about it and planned in months even a year in advance getting a hotel room and everything. I told her my friend was the same way. I was actually taking notes with her in mind, because she was so disappointed that she couldn’t come. She asked me where I was from and I told her Tooele. She said she knew where that was. She actually has a brother and sister in-law that lived in that area, but I probably didn’t know them, because the area has gotten so big. Out of curiosity I asked her their names. Imagine my surprise when she said Big Sissy and 5ft Diva. (Of course shed didn’t call them by their screen names, but you get the idea.) We had spent a good ten minutes talking about the very same women and we had no idea. We had a good laugh about it and after she called Diva on the phone. We just couldn’t wait to tell her that even though she wasn’t their in body, she sure was in spirit.

My second class was in the same room, so I used the half hour in-between to hunt down and claim for my very own, the best exiting seat. I was meeting my sister before the next class and we were concerned about not getting in, because the room fit under 300. After learning about why anger is a natural feeling and how we can learn to overcome feelings of anger, I raced down to our meeting place. I had gotten out early, and because I had spent the whole day in no food allowed classrooms, I was thankful to have a little time to munch my veggies, crackers and string cheese. It wasn’t long before my sister arrived and we raced on to our next destination. Arriving in excellent time and quite out of breath we were just hoping we would get in. As we turned the corner and saw our greeters we exclaimed, “Did we make it”. They assured us we had. What a relieve. As the class started we were taken on an amazing ride through a reading journey. I not only got many titles of great books for all my little readers, I was inspired with ideas to make my home a better place, by once again choosing good, better and best appropriately.

Because we were clear down at the bottom of campus we arrived back at the Marriot to hear Pres. Thompson and it was packed. It was more packed than we had seen for the whole two days. We finally located two seats, not next to each other, but close enough to chat. It didn’t take long though before women around us had to stop saving seats and my sister was able to climb down next to me. We waited, watched and chatted. As the time got closer for the prophet’s arrival I anticipated the congregations reaction. Just when I thought I couldn’t stand it any longer, a hush full over the crowd and like a wave from one side of the room to the other, we stood in honor of our Prophet. The room went from deafening noise of thousands of chatty women to complete silent and stillness, as this great man enter and walked across the stage to his seat. The spirit was so dense it was hard to breath. Every breath of air was thick with the Holy Ghost and so many emotions. Somewhere across the vast room a group of women began to sing “We Thank Thee O’ God For a Prophet”. I was barely able to squeak out the first few lines, before taken over by the tears streaming down my face. What an awesome experience.

As the closing session came to a close, I wrote in my journal the following words: “These last few days have been amazing. I have a desire to stay in this place forever. Not just the Marriot Center or on this wonderful campus, but the place where my heart now sits. A place where I can spend my days learning and grasping onto the great and magnificent yet, simpleness of the gospel. However, what good is all this knowledge if I do not go forth and share and use what I have learned and to better the lives of my family and friends. Only then can my knowledge become wisdom. Only then is it worth the time and effort of the many wonderful women that made all this possible.”

So here I am, to share with all of you. Hopefully in the days and weeks to come, I will be able to write up a few of my thoughts and feelings I had while attending my classes. Keep in mind as you read, that I am sharing MY words, my experience, and the inspiration I received while attending each session. What I write is not church doctrine. It is the things the spirit whispered to me while the instructors talked, while words where sung, and quiet moments were spent. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/womens-conference-2008-outline-165/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/best-mothers-day-present-ever-159/ Mon, 12 May 2008 15:43:31 GMT My husband gave me the most precious Mother's Day gift yesterday. He surprised me with a large, framed, Greg Olsen print, that I have been wanting for some time now. It was not on my list, nor had I mentioned more than once or twice. I think that is the reason why it means so much to me. It took no prompting on my part. It isn't even pratical. As in a lot of money spent on something to just look pretty. My husband is awesome!

I can't wait to get it up on my wall. It is the print with Christ sitting with a child on his lap and a blue butterfly on his outstretched finger. When I lost my son last July, DH coworkers sent us flowers. The arrangement came with a big, blue, butterfly, ornament. Whenever I see butterflies, especially blue ones, they remind me of my Levi. I rediscovered this painting several months after his passing. I had seen it hundreds of times before, but it had never occurred to me that Christ was holding a "blue butterfly".

The other grand wonder of this particular painting is the dark red flowers in the background. I have been wanting to decorate my front room in earth tones with a spark of dark red for a while. I had a different picture of Christ picked out to be the focal point. With this painting I will not have to change my decorating plans. I can still have my spark of red. My goal is to have a blue butterfly hidden in each room. The butterfly will not necessarily be a part of the decorating scheme, but will be presented in a way that it fits, without distracting.

I am a little afraid of having this wonderful, expensive piece of art in my shabby, run down, living room. My biggest fear of course is the kids destroying it. We have been unable to have pictures hanging on certain walls in that room for years now, because every time we would get something hung up, it would get knocked off, hit, or otherwise broken. My secondary fear was that it was just too nice. I thought it would make our old, second, hand piano and our torn up, shaggy, couch look worse. However, it is quite the opposite. Just holding it up to see what it is going to look like on the wall, brightens the whole room. It is like lighting a candle in the dark. You can see very clearly the love, hope, and beauty radiating from around the picture. The rest of the room just seems to sort of fade away. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/best-mothers-day-present-ever-159/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/choosing-not-refinance-153/ Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:46:40 GMT We canceled our refinance. They wanted too much money. I know it was the right thing to do. Yet, I still want what that money was going to give... We canceled our refinance. They wanted too much money. I know it was the right thing to do. Yet, I still want what that money was going to give us; a finished basement, a finished yard, new floors and an office, right now, no waiting required.

The basement will still get “finished”. We have just had to change our plans a little. We will have enough money to put in the walls and paint the kids’ rooms. We will, get the heat and electricity going. I’ll find some inexpensive area rugs to throw down on the bare cement until we can purchase flooring. The three oldest can move downstairs. DH can start working from home. It won’t be in “the office” we dreamed, but he will be home.

We are still on track with our credit card. It will still be paid off before the end of the year. Then it will just take us a few more months to come up with the cash, to finish the rest of the basement. It won’t take that much longer to put away enough for the office and new floors upstairs.

Heavenly Father wants me to have a beautiful house. I asked him if I could go into debt to make my home a better place. He didn’t tell me I couldn’t. He just reassured me that what I wanted was a righteous desire. I knew then, that I would someday have a beautiful house. I’m willing to wait a little longer. Especially since it means financial security for me and my family. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/choosing-not-refinance-153/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/success-failure-152/ Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:24:20 GMT I had a lapse in our planned budget. We were doing so good. It was amazing how much we were stacking up in savings. I had one bad week. I was... I had a lapse in our planned budget. We were doing so good. It was amazing how much we were stacking up in savings. I had one bad week. I was unable to meet our needs with my weekly allowance and I overspent. I thought the solution was to subtract the amount I was over, from the next weeks allowance. For four weeks I tried to “catch up”. Every week it got worse. At the end of the fourth week, I was short a whole week’s allowance. There was no way I could make it up, so I quit.

I quit keeping track. I quit trying to spend less. I bought things we didn’t need. I felt like I had already failed, so why keep trying. I was doing exactly what my Weight Watchers leader tells me not to. I was cutting off my hand, because I had a cut on my finger. I was giving it all up, because of one small mistake.

By the time I came around we were planning our trip to my grandpa’s funeral in Arizona. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stick to the weekly allowance while traveling. I waited until after the trip to get back on track.

The thing is, I didn’t fail. There was plenty of money in savings to cover what I went over. We even came up with enough money to cover our trip to Arizona. Our plan worked exactly the way it was supposed to. By putting more money in savings, we were able to take our trip three months earlier than expected. It was only because I felt like a failure, that I started acting like a failure. And then only when I started acting like a failure, did I really fail.

So, what makes failing, a success? Learning a lesson. And I did learn a lesson. Next time we have needs, that can’t be met with the weekly allowance, I will pull it directly out of short term savings. That is what the short term savings is for, to cover unexpected expenses. We won’t have as much to transfer to our savings account that month, but it will set me up to succeed in the following weeks. Which I believe will save us more in the long run. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/success-failure-152/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/stillborn-inductions-143/ Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:13:36 GMT Thank you Stargazer for giving me the courage to write the following. When you see pictures of small babies in their mothers wombs, posted in the... Thank you Stargazer for giving me the courage to write the following.

When you see pictures of small babies in their mothers wombs, posted in the doctors office, or in a magazine, they are a the picture of perfection. As young as 12 weeks gestation, they are portrayed with flesh colored skin. Or for some reason the way the photograph is taken, they appear to be flesh colored. In reality, if you were to see one of those little babies, at lets say, 18 weeks gestation, their skin is so transparent you can see right through it to all their little veins, which cause them to appear dark colored, almost purple.

I had seen the pictures. I knew what my baby was going to look like. I knew the extent of his development. However, when the nurse brought me that tiny little body, I was caught way off guard. No one told me he was going to be purple. Why is he purple? It didn’t make me love him any less. But I began to worry about what others would think if they saw him. Would they look at him, like a tiny monster? An alien perhaps? What if someone saw his pictures? They couldn’t possibly love him like me. I don’t want my other children to think of their little brother and picture this purple little blob. Because that is not what he is. I can see him breathing. I can hear him crying. I can feel him kicking. But would others?

I could see the detail in each tiny little finger. But would someone else only see the fact that, because he had died days, maybe even more than a week earlier, that is skin was loose and pulling off. Would someone else gasp at seeing his misshapen head, that felt more like a sponge than a skull. All his bones were very soft, flexible. It was impossible to hold him in a “posed” position, due to the flexibility of his tiny bones. Was this a baby that only a mother could love?

So, no pictures. The nurse tried to get pictures of his little hands and feet. Yet, they were so tiny, she couldn’t get the hospital camera to focus them. She must not have ever been able to fix the pictures like she said would be possible, because we never received them.

Oh how I wish we would have taken some pictures. When we left for the hospital, I didn’t even know I was going to be allowed to see him, let alone hold him. We didn’t even think to bring a camera. Who wants a picture of their dead baby? Well, I do. I forget what he looks like. Sometimes I will see a baby that reminds me of his pointy nose and chin. Then I will remember how much he looked like one of my other sons, with just a little hint of his dad.

I have learned so much from this experience. Good doctors, good nurses have now been trained to not only allow, but encourage, mothers and fathers to hold their dead babies. All the information I found on the internet was geared toward mothers going in for live abortions and not for procedures such as mine. No one told me to take pictures. No one told me to invite, grandmas and grandpas to come see an hold their grandchild. Oh, how I wish I would have done so. I’m sure Opa would be so much more understanding if he would have been able to hold Levi, see him, love him. I’m sure he would have no problem counting him as his own, if he no longer had to just believe he was and is, but had actually been a witness to his existence. Even if I had a picture. At least he would have that.

Now what to do with this little body. I didn’t know I was going to have to make a decision. Again everything I read said that there were no laws protecting a body at less than 20 weeks gestation. I assumed this meant that I wouldn’t have a say in what happened to my son's body. When I was asked what I wanted, I didn’t know what to say. A burial, with a casket and a cemetery plot seemed like too much.

I was really brave and asked what would happen if we just let the hospital take care of it. I was told, he would essentially be thrown out with the trash. I knew if I was ever going sleep again at night, I couldn’t do that. I knew I would be haunted with nightmares, and images of my little boy’s body in a garbage can along with food scraps and used rubber gloves.

The one thing that kept coming to mind was cremation. But I thought I had read somewhere that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints looked down upon cremation. The mortuary told us to take our time. I had several days to research and make a final decision.

Thank goodness for the internet. There would have been no way I could have found what I needed without it. The church does not encourage cremation, this is true, but there are always circumstances that need to be evaluated. I believed that Levi’s was just such a case.

I spent several hours looking for a container for my little boys ashes. I never found one. Whether it was the cost, or just that there was not enough options out there, I really don’t know. We decided that once his body was destroyed, it was no longer sacred to us and that we would be ok with letting the mortuary take care of his ashes. In the end I was afraid that if we brought his ashes home in a container, they would get spilt all over the house or if we deposited them somewhere, I would be too connected to a place.

If I had it to do over again, I would have gone to a knick-knack store and looked for a little container shaped like a treasure box. At the time, I thought I had to buy a container made specifically for ashes. Again not true. I could have had his ashes stuffed in a teddy bear if that is what I wanted. I don’t know what I would have done with the treasure box. Maybe it would have been nice to bury it in the yard, where I could always dig it back up if we moved. Or I could have sprinkled his ashes over his grandpa’s grave.

Although, I have never been connected to my dad’s grave. If I’m missing my dad I find the best place to go is the temple. I’m more likely going to run into him there, than at his grave anyway. Same with Levi. I don’t feel like he is connected to this earth at all. He was here such a short time. My chances of feeling his spirit out and about is very slim. However, the temple is another matter. This is the place where Heaven and Earth meet. This is the place where men talk with God and angels walk with men. If there is any chance in this life to meet my son face to face, it would be in the temple.

I so want to revise and edit, but I'm completely out of time. This is by no means some of my best work. I think I got my point across, it just isn't written beautifully. I'll keep working on it, but I need to post it now, or it might never get read.

I’m dedicating this to all the mommies and daddies, that just didn’t know they had a choice and to the one’s having to make the decisions now ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/stillborn-inductions-143/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/breaking-my-addiction-142/ Mon, 17 Mar 2008 02:19:03 GMT The boards have been really slow lately and I have found myself looking back over past threads. It has been fun to see how far we have come. I just... The boards have been really slow lately and I have found myself looking back over past threads. It has been fun to see how far we have come. I just read one thread called "Foods that are filling". It was interesting, because I have just taken my first big step and ridding my body of it's food addiction.

I have known for sometime that I am addicted to food. I eat so that I do not have to feel. The problem is that I can't stop the addiction, by stopping eating. I have to eat. So where do I draw the line between eating what I need and feeding the addiction?

Recently I started to notice that when I was emotionally eating I would eat the same kinds of food, mostly simplified carbohydrates, like sugar and white flour. I decided to go without sugar and white flour for a while, to see if it might help. I decided that I would still have my protein bar, before my workout and my meal replacement shake for mid-morning snack even though they both have a little sugar. I decided I would concentrate on not having any candy, cookies, cake, or white bread. I have been going strong for four days.

It has been amazing to me that giving them up completely has been easier than just cutting back. It is almost like I would get a little taste of chocolate and couldn't stop as long as there was more. I was worried that I would have to keep it out of the house. That my kids and husband would have to go without these things as well. Because I did not have the self-control. But it hasn't been like that at all. The kids have been selling candy-bars and I had been their best customer. The candy bars are still here, but I haven't had one in four days. My family has had pizza for dinner once and left-overs for lunch and I didn't snitch. Not even a teeny-tiny bit. I made me a pizza on a whole-wheat tortilla instead and was completely satisfied.

I have slowly felt the "need" for this drug leave my system. It hasn't been easy. I still want the chocolate bar and I still want the pizza crust. Where as, before I would tell myself I'll just have a taste, loose control and binge, I now have found strength in saying no. I am committed to this for 21 days, the length it takes to form a habit. I’m praying that I will no longer want these foods. However, I’m also preparing to the idea that I might always have to go without. Which in reality, does not sound all that bad. I have always wanted to be one of those people that would choose an apple over a piece of cake, or a plate of steamed veggies over pizza. Maybe this is my chance.

I realize this is just the first step. There are other things I still need to do. It just feels really good to be moving in the right direction. And now that I have told you all my plan. I will be held accountable. So, I am committed to not eat any cookies, cake, candy, ice-cream, or white bread in any form, until April 3rd. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/breaking-my-addiction-142/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/budgetting-realization-139/ Sun, 17 Feb 2008 21:38:39 GMT I was sitting in sacrament meeting today and something one of the speakers said sent my mind spinning and for some odd reason it landed on my budget.... I was sitting in sacrament meeting today and something one of the speakers said sent my mind spinning and for some odd reason it landed on my budget. Which is really weird, because they were talking about pride and humility.

Anyway, it occurred to me that I had some extra money floating around somewhere, but I couldn't figure out where. I kept adding and subtracting and multiplying and dividing and the numbers I kept getting, looked way off.

Then it hit me like a brick. I had taken a months worth of spending money and divided it by five weeks. There are actually less than five weeks in a month. So I took my monthly allowance and multiplied by 12 (number of months in a year) than divided by 52 (number of weeks in a year) this gave me a total that I would actually be able to spend. It was way over what I was spending. In other words, there were lots of dollars a year, from DH's income, that have no assigned place to go.

We are doing just fine on our weekly allowance. In fact we are thriving on it. So I'm not going to change the amount in my weekly allowance. I am just going to make sure the extra dollars floating around are getting put into a savings account somewhere, where they can earn some interest.

I just felt like I needed to share, so that those of you that have adjusted your budget to fit into the suggestion of a weekly allowance can refigure with this fomula. That way if you are feeling a strain you can work your extra dollars back into your weekly allowance.

So the formula would be: Your Monthly Spending multiplied by 12 divided by 52.

I'm not sure how this works in respects to a checking account. DH and I have a cash back rewards card that we make all our purchases on. Then he pays it off every month. So the money is always in our checking account, until he pays the credit card bill. We also keep our short term savings (car matinence, home repair, etc.) in our checking account until the end of the month where the unused amount is then transferred to savings. But I'm not sure how it works if you are drawing your money right out of your account. You would need to make sure you kept a balance to cover the months the money comes out earlier, than it is put in, because it seems like that might happen.

I am sure I am making absolutely no sense, what-so-ever. So if you need help figuring it out, please ask.

Again it was very weird for me to be going over this in sacrament meeting, but I felt like I needed to get it posted as soon as possible, before it quit making sense to me. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/budgetting-realization-139/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/budget-133/ Mon, 28 Jan 2008 22:11:19 GMT Until recently I have hated the "B" word. DH and I have struggled for many years, following all the advice in every book on how to create a budget. Year after year we have failed. Recently I came across a budget plan called the 60, 40 plan or maybe it is the 40, 60. I was amazed at how all the sudden budgeting made sense. I thought, there is no way I am alone in this. I have been wanting to share, but didn't feel strong enough to accept any criticism so haven't been willing until now. Thanks to Diva’s encouragement, I now feel I am ready.

Basically how it works is you plan to save 40% of your income and spend 60%. The 40% savings includes, long term and short term savings accounts, such as, 401K and retirement, large purchases and/or major emergencies, and extra cash for smaller emergencies. What it did for us is, instead of trying to balance and keep track of 20 categories, we now only have a few.

Retirement, health and life insurance is automatically paid, but that is the first category. We added up all our monthly bills, these are everything that have to be paid each month, such as tithing, fast offerings, house payment, and utility bills, to create our second category. Then we have a long term savings, which we decided we eventually want to be as much as we pay in tithing (not quite, but getting there). This would be for major purchases, like new appliances or furniture and/or our back up plan for major emergencies, such as loss of job or medical bills. We also have smaller emergency savings, to cover the unexpected, like doctors appointments or car repair. The rest of the money is divided up weekly instead of monthly, to spend on everyday necessities, like groceries, cleaning supplies, dance tuition, and other small cost items.

We are aware that we still need to work out a few bugs. Because we are following a weekly plan, but get paid bi-monthly, there will be some months there will not be enough cash to cover our weekly allowance. Yet, we have noticed this doesn’t seem to make a difference, because we have allowed for enough movement in our spending category to allow extra to go into our emergency savings, which should more than cover these extra weeks. We also recently started making all our purchases on a cash back rewards credit card. Because the card is paid off each month, it is only necessary to have the cash available to pay off the monthly balance, so the extra days of another week, kind of just get eaten up and distributed evenly throughout the months anyway. The cash back rewards, has then basically become a savings plan for Christmas spending, waiting to be cashed out in November for extra holiday expenses.

I believe, the reason this seems to work for me is I only have a couple of hundred dollars a week to keep track of. And essentially only one outgoing category. Give me anything more than that and my brain can't handle it. Before I was in charge of several different categories, like grocery, clothes, gifts, medical etc., and trying to carry balances over from one month to the next. I would spend the entire month rearranging money from one category to the other to balance them all out. We kept thinking that eventually we would get it right and have the right balances in each category, but that never seemed to happen.

I am so excited of the possibilities this plan has opened to us. We have been going strong for a while now and I have balanced my account at the end of every week. It has been so much easier to access whether something is a need or a want. Everything seems to hold more value, because there doesn’t seem to be as much to spend. When in reality it is the same amount of money monthly, just less to think about, at any given time.

By this time next year we will be putting as much into a long term savings as we are paying in tithing. If everything runs smoothly, we will be paying cash for our next house, which leaves enough freedom to provide living space for my mom and handicapped brother, when and if they need it. This is absolutely an amazing reality to me. All I have to do is stay within my weekly allowance and I will be able to pay cash for my next home. WOW!

Which brings me to my next “B” help. By having a dream. Not just any dream, but a big huge, worth a lot to me, dream, I have created a reason for sticking to it. As our tv slowly begins to fade, it is easy for me to say, we can go without, until we have the cash to pay for it, especially, because going without means, we will be able to pay cash for our next house. And concentrating on the short term dream of being credit card debt free, before the end of the year. I couldn’t even begin to tell you what joy that would bring to me. We will be able to put a lot more money in savings accounts, and a little more in our spending account, which would bring us closer to our Winning Outcome, of owning our home. I can imagine, I can see it so clear, the feeling of peace, comfort, and joy, knowing my finances are in order.

So here is to the big bad (bad meaning good, of course) “B” word - BUDGET. May it bring each of us more peace and order for the future.

Dia ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/budget-133/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/nutcracker-118/ Wed, 21 Nov 2007 22:55:44 GMT I love the Nutcracker! There have been many times I have considered pulling my little girls out of Miss Margene’s. The drive in to Salt Lake every... I love the Nutcracker! There have been many times I have considered pulling my little girls out of Miss Margene’s. The drive in to Salt Lake every week can seem so overwhelming at times. The one thing that keeps me going is the anticipation of the two nights of magic the first week in December.

There is something absolutely amazing about sitting in a dark auditorium and watching a magical story, filled with music and dance, unfold before your very eyes. The joy of knowing your own daughter is part of creating such magic, adds to the wonder.

The opening notes exhilarate me, filling me to my core, with excitement. Uncle Drosselmeyer marches across the stage in his tall black hat and a black coat with tails that almost touch the floor, his little nephew matching him step to step. The party goers traveling in their fanciest clothes, stepping lightly, waving to one another, invite me to attend the grande party right along with them.

As the music changes the curtains rise and here comes Fritz, always full of as much enthusiasm as a little boy can have. After peering through the steamy window, he begins to sort through the presents under the huge Christmas tree. Clara appears, bringing with her the hopes and dreams of every ten year old girl, to someday be in her ballet slippers, there at the window, waving to her guests as they hurry past.

The party scene is filled with one glorious performance after another-dancing teddy bears, windup musical ballerinas, romantic masquerade dolls, and the court jesters with all their amazing tricks. Gift after gift is unwrapped with joy and music. Then the best gift of all-a wooden nutcracker dressed like a soldier, opening the door to all the magic of Christmas.

The guests leave. The stage goes dim. Clara’s mom and dad stand before the magnificent tree, holding each other close, remembering together, the Christmases of long ago. Soon after their exit, Clara returns in search of her favorite gift. Enveloped in the powers of sleep, she lies in the shadow of the swooping owl, only to be wakened by the clock striking midnight. The fog sweeps in, bringing with it dark figures with big round ears and long tails skipping about, causing havoc. The soldiers rise to fight, coming to life with hands saluting and swords drawn.

The fight is won and Clara is whisked away through dark forests, bright oceans, and a land filled with the magic of new fallen snow, my favorite. I have yet to reach the end of the first half without my eyes filling with tears, as the snow flakes fall on the snow queens surrounded by all the little snow sprites, leaping and twirling, among the snow flurries.

The curtain falls. And it is all I can do to maintain composure for ten long minutes, until it rises again for the second half. That in itself, is a whole other story. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/nutcracker-118/ http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/best-time-cry-117/ Wed, 21 Nov 2007 21:43:43 GMT I’m beginning to feel anxious. It is almost like I was wishing Thanksgiving Day would never come. My sister had her baby Sunday night. Her due... I’m beginning to feel anxious. It is almost like I was wishing Thanksgiving Day would never come.

My sister had her baby Sunday night. Her due date was tomorrow. When she called to tell me she was pregnant, I was already suspicious that I was too. I figured our due dates would be really close. Two weeks to be exact. Now her baby has come. Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow.

My babies always seem to have their own timing, late rather than early. I’m sure Levi would have been no different. He probably would have come between the 12th and the 20th. So after Thanksgiving and after the Nutcracker . . . .

What will Christmas be like, without a Christmas baby? I planned and looked forward to it. Even for only a short time. The constant reminders of a baby in a manger- pictures, music, stories. I feel on the verge of tears, constantly. I’m afraid to cry in public. It is almost like I feel like if I do, if I give in, even just a little, I will never stop.

The best time to cry is at night. When all the kids are in bed. If you climb into the shower, the warm water mixes with the tears and carries them away. The noise drowns out the sobs. The steam covers the mirror. You can’t feel the tears, or hear the sobs, or see the puffy red eyes. And then you can climb into bed, next to the man you love. He will wrap his comforting arms around you. If you still can’t stop crying there is relief in knowing, you will eventually fall asleep. That is the only time the pain is gone. That is, if you can get through the night without any dreams.

I don’t know whether to pray the dreams to go away, or to beg for them to stay. For they are the only times I get to hold my baby. I guess I just need to pray that someday the joy of holding him in my dreams, will out weigh the pain, of waking up without him. ]]> Dia Minha http://www.bodynspirit.net/forums/blogs/dia-minha/best-time-cry-117/