Stuff about my life...
A Flying Leap
In an ACT thread, I spoke of taking a baby step a couple of months ago, towards overcoming something in my life.
Well, to continue that story, I took a flying leap a few weeks ago….forcing myself into the unknown. It took me in a direction I didn’t expect to end up going at all. I finally decided it was time for me to seek professional help. I am seeing a therapist now.
I have always been in favor of therapy----for other people-----but could it really help me? I have thought for a long time that I should go-----but have questioned, can talking about my life really help me? Wouldn’t it just cause me more pain and sadness to remember, to remember those things I’ve shoved into the deepest darkest corners of my mind and heart? How can talking really resolve anything. It can’t change the past. It can’t change who I am. Can it? I’m not even sure exactly what it is I’m trying to resolve. I just know there are things mixed up inside of me…. I know there are things that are not quite right with me. Therapy, this is what I need to do. I can’t progress anymore, without working this out.
So many people have grown up under much worse circumstances than I had. For many years I have thought that I would be ungrateful to even consider for a moment that anything in my growing up years might have been wrong.
My therapist asked me to write down a bit about the dynamics of my family growing up. After reading what I had written about my childhood, my therapist asked me, do you consider this to be a normal childhood? I responded that I didn’t know anything different, and that I know that many have had much worse upbringings. He said, yes---but do you know that this was bad? Really bad? Hearing the words, “this was bad” opened up a floodgate of tears. To have someone validate that what I went through wasn’t typical, wasn’t normal----not that anyone’s life is “normal” but to say that my childhood was bad----I can’t explain it. It’s like I’ve pretended for so many years to have had a childhood that I didn’t have----pretended things were the way they weren’t. This has been quite an awakening for me. To have someone understand to a certain extent, what I’ve been through---to acknowledge what I’ve been through.
This pandora’s box that has been opened has caused me to remember things I didn’t want to remember----but as I’m remembering I am also starting to put this jigsaw puzzle of myself together as I am beginning to see WHY I am the I am in certain areas of my life. Some of what is part of me is beginning to make sense. Choices I’ve made and make, and things I’ve done and do, are making more sense to me. Anxiety I have, I’m seeing where it’s coming from.
I have a long way to go. But I’m hoping this road will help me to overcome my obstacles, will help me to clean out my hidden wounds, some wounds that I didn’t even realize were there, and just maybe can begin to heal.
Well, to continue that story, I took a flying leap a few weeks ago….forcing myself into the unknown. It took me in a direction I didn’t expect to end up going at all. I finally decided it was time for me to seek professional help. I am seeing a therapist now.
I have always been in favor of therapy----for other people-----but could it really help me? I have thought for a long time that I should go-----but have questioned, can talking about my life really help me? Wouldn’t it just cause me more pain and sadness to remember, to remember those things I’ve shoved into the deepest darkest corners of my mind and heart? How can talking really resolve anything. It can’t change the past. It can’t change who I am. Can it? I’m not even sure exactly what it is I’m trying to resolve. I just know there are things mixed up inside of me…. I know there are things that are not quite right with me. Therapy, this is what I need to do. I can’t progress anymore, without working this out.
So many people have grown up under much worse circumstances than I had. For many years I have thought that I would be ungrateful to even consider for a moment that anything in my growing up years might have been wrong.
My therapist asked me to write down a bit about the dynamics of my family growing up. After reading what I had written about my childhood, my therapist asked me, do you consider this to be a normal childhood? I responded that I didn’t know anything different, and that I know that many have had much worse upbringings. He said, yes---but do you know that this was bad? Really bad? Hearing the words, “this was bad” opened up a floodgate of tears. To have someone validate that what I went through wasn’t typical, wasn’t normal----not that anyone’s life is “normal” but to say that my childhood was bad----I can’t explain it. It’s like I’ve pretended for so many years to have had a childhood that I didn’t have----pretended things were the way they weren’t. This has been quite an awakening for me. To have someone understand to a certain extent, what I’ve been through---to acknowledge what I’ve been through.
This pandora’s box that has been opened has caused me to remember things I didn’t want to remember----but as I’m remembering I am also starting to put this jigsaw puzzle of myself together as I am beginning to see WHY I am the I am in certain areas of my life. Some of what is part of me is beginning to make sense. Choices I’ve made and make, and things I’ve done and do, are making more sense to me. Anxiety I have, I’m seeing where it’s coming from.
I have a long way to go. But I’m hoping this road will help me to overcome my obstacles, will help me to clean out my hidden wounds, some wounds that I didn’t even realize were there, and just maybe can begin to heal.
Total Comments 7
Comments
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I am so happy you made this step. Who really knows if therapy helps in the end, but doing nothing certainly doesn't work, so you may as well be doing something. Having said that though, I can honestly say I've witnessed transformations take place because of therapy. Their is much to be learned in the form of life skills and validation if nothing else. I salute your efforts, and I'm glad you have made your "flying leap" toward healing. I really hope and pray you can find peace and joy through this.Posted 07-10-2008 at 01:11 AM by Big_Sissy
Updated 07-10-2008 at 01:18 AM by Big_Sissy - Thanks BS, that means a lot to me!Posted 07-10-2008 at 02:05 AM by Mamallama
- I am proud of your courage to seek professional help. That is a HUGE step toward healing. I have several people close to me who said professional counseling has saved them in many ways. It might just be that having someone else validate our feelings, who is not involved in any way, helps us see things from a different perspective & gives us courage to face our feelings & fears. We all probably have issues we need to deal with, whether they stem from childhood or something else. I wish you the best on your journey.Posted 07-11-2008 at 07:54 PM by natickgirl
- Good for you, ML! I am very proud and inspired by your courage as well.Posted 07-12-2008 at 10:53 PM by Meticulous madness
- Thanks so much NG and M&M. I so appreciate the love and support I feel from your words. Thank you!Posted 07-20-2008 at 06:23 PM by Mamallama
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Do you want to know something funny, when you first moved into the neighborhood I remember looking at you and thought to myself that you were perfect. You were so kind and had this wonderful family and I thought you were just a beautiful person inside and out. I thought how does someone get to be so perfect. She must have no problems in her life. I now I have spent many months being able to get to know you better and know that you are human, still beautiful but still have trials like the rest of us. It might sound weird but I really needed that in my life to know that no one is getting by in this life without some kind of trials. I appreciate so much how you have opened up and shared some of your personal moments in life. Now I see you even more beautiful inside and out!!! You are a true genuine kind person.Posted 07-30-2008 at 01:23 PM by LostnFound -
I am trying to find blogs on here I haven't read yet, and I started with yours. This is very powerful for me. My childhood was terrible, and I am terrified of going to a therapist. I feel like I accept my anxieties and I push through them, nothing stands in the way of me doing the best I can, but there are things and times when I know I would benefit from some counseling. But I haven't had the courage. Thanks for sharing the beginning of your experiences. I'd love to hear an update on things-- how you are doing, how it worked out, now that it's been nearly two years since this blog...Posted 05-01-2010 at 12:33 PM by bookworm
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