description
Staying Happy in Hell
Posted 11-01-2007 at 03:31 PM by mxmama
I have no idea where to start. The turmoil my life is in right now has to do with years of drama all stemming from INLAWS. Not just the parents of my husband, although they hold most of the blame, it’s still his entire family. They are everywhere in the small town we live in. Several of them have children in all of my children’s classes at school, they live down the road in both directions, and I pass several in the store almost every outing.
Almost 2 years ago I was at my lowest. I couldn’t stand myself or the doubts I had about my worthiness. At that time I started a thread on another website about a blow out with his parents. I really wanted to know what other people thought. I and my husband followed the thread and it turned out to be VERY reassuring to me that I wasn’t crazy. Unfortunately since it went 6 months with out any activity, it got put in the archives and is no longer available. There was a significant amount of detail in that thread regarding the behavior of my in-laws (his parents), what they have done to me.
Its impossible for me to express how seriously sick they are with out giving some examples.
I was a single mom when I met my husband. His family did everything to discourage him from marrying me, but he did anyway and he adopted my daughter soon after. He is the only dad she knows. The first 7-8 years of our marriage my husband was out of the country for 32 days and was home for 26 days. NO phone calls were allowed but sometimes we could email. Under no circumstances was he able to take off, or come home unless one of us died. I had always lived in some type of community environment like a trailer park or appt complex. He had a house with no neighbors in sight, and the closest person I knew was 45 minutes away, including his family. I had a hard time adapting to living that lifestyle.
I knew his parents didn’t accept me. They refused to come to our wedding when it was 15 minutes from their house, because it “wasn’t in a church”. My parents were driving 600 miles to come, so I decided to take a few hours off their trip and have it a few hours from our house. So now they use the excuse “it was too far” when other people ask why they didn’t come.
I always made an effort to visit them if I was close, even if my husband wasn’t home. He had 2 younger sisters (10 & 11) and I wanted to be close to them. I always came around with gifts for them on many occasions
His parents still criticized every move we made. We bought a couple dogs and they gave us hell for having dogs! They made us out to be child abusers because “they would get big and turn on us”. His dad heard me say that I let one in the house if I get uncomfortable at night when my husband is away, he blew up in my face. (My husband wasn’t there) Asking me who do I think I am? He explained how I am going to end up in Jail, and he would press charges. He said my dogs have no business in my house and I better think long and hard before I do it again. He said the dog will attack my daughter and it would be my fault.
I was in shock… but I got used to his controlling attitude and learned how to ignore it to some degree.
While trying to get pregnant I had several miscarriages. His mother always found ways to blame me and tell me how my husband is going to be let down if I didn’t have a baby.
After I was finally diagnosed and being treated, I was allowed to carry on with pregnancy as normal.
When I was about 6 months pregnant, I was at a stop sign and a car slammed into the back of my SUV.
I was fine, and the truck had a little work done. No big deal.
The next time we saw his parents, his father went on for over an hour at the diner table yelling, and slamming his hand on the table, spitting when he yelled, telling me I “had NO business driving a car”. “What the hell is wrong with you driving in your condition?” When I explained to him my doctor said I can drive, he said “You have no common sense, doctors think people know better” (he’s a doctor) “There is NO excuse for you to be on the road” He went on putting me down. My husband just sat there, next to me listening to the whole thing. I felt like such an idiot. I didn’t know what to feel, be angry? Be sad? My husband said on the way home, “that’s just the way he is”.
After the birth of our first son, I became very ill and had to be re admitted to the hospital in solitary confinement. I was delirious with high fever and on ice packs for days. About a week later I got to come home. I had not seen my new baby, talked to my family, and I hadn’t had a shower in a long time.
I was still recovering from the c-section too. I just wanted to go home and chill. MIL thought it was appropriate for her along w/other family members to come over and eat the very same hour I arrive from the hospital. My husband didn’t think there was anything wrong with that until I explained how uncomfortable it made me. SHE was in my driveway when we got home from the hospital. And she still had other family members at my home an hour later! MY house was a wreck from me being gone so long and she was there the whole time I was in the hospital. I couldn’t believe the position I was in.
As months pass I noticed I had to defend every action I made to them more and more. Sometimes they would approach my husband about an issue he was already aware of, but they would complain how they didn’t like the way I handled it. So even my husband would question me and expect me to defend myself.
One time when he was out of the country his mother begged me to go to a family reunion. She said she would help with the kids and such. Well after being there for 30 minutes, trying to keep up with my kids in two different directions at once, only knowing 2 people in a crowd of over 50 people, and my 6 month old baby was crying the entire time, I was ready to go. His mother (who begged me to come) was outside smoking and I never saw her. I wasn’t enjoying myself, and it was just too stressful. I still said my “good byes” to them; I also said how I just wasn’t comfortable and wasn’t enjoying myself.
I told my husband how it ended up and how I learned my lesson. Well a few weeks later when his parents saw him they said I left “all of a sudden and made a scene”. They painted this horrible picture of me. Other occasions my FIL has told my husband to "cut his losses” and “move on” while he is still young.
3 yrs into the marriage
I had enough of this bullying! I was being bullied from every direction. I told my husband I have had it with him and his family. I told him I don’t owe anyone an explanation for every move I make. My own parents have never talked to me the way his did. I was through with the marriage I just couldn’t take it any more.
He wrote them a letter explaining how offended he was. After that they disappeared for about a year and never saw any of us. Then his youngest sister got in a terrible auto accident and nearly died. I decided life is too short and I think his parents learned a lesson. We started coming around and I could tell they treated me with much more respect than before.
But slowly over the years, things started happening again. I tried to be close to his sisters and even allowed one of them to move in with us. She was a collage student, making excellent grades with a decent sense of maturity for her age. In lieu of rent she had a few chores and responsibilities that she proudly took and felt she was getting the easy end of the deal. Needless to say that went sour and when I asked her to move out, the dad went nuts. He made demands that he was coming over to get her stuff. I told them they can not come unless they call first.
That’s a rule we have ALWAYS had in place that ALL his family members continuously abuse!
Of course again my husband wasn’t home
Then I got a phone call from the family attorney. FIL called an attorney who is also a family member and said I wasn’t allowing them to come “at all”. I was so caught off guard; I didn’t know what the heck he was talking about, and why he was calling me over this. Anyway, I explained how they could come; they just have to call. They are not welcome to show up when ever they want. The attorney said that’s not a problem and that there must have been a misunderstanding.
Well thankfully my husband was due to be home 2 days later. Turns out FIL wanted to come on a different day. He was talking to my husband on the phone about it, and threatened how he was coming with the police, and we have to let him in. Things didn't play out like that, but his dad just can’t stand not being the boss of us. So all the times had to be set up through this attorney. Even the attorney couldn’t believe FIL ridiculous behavior toward his son.
Anyway, all this mess has his parents believing I am crazy. They think calling someone before you show up “is weird”, and “nobody does that”. We had them over to try and plead with them how our life is ours and they just need to mind their own business. We never got that far. We let them do the talking first and they just started attacking me for a speeding ticket, having a meeting with my daughters softball coach, how I dress, saying how everyone in the family hates me and thinks I am weird. They went on how everyone feels sorry for my husband for all the trouble I cause. He criticized my husband for being with someone like me and stormed out of our home.
Over the years we have really been tolerant of his family. One SIL almost accidentally burned down our house; they have walked in our home after midnight with out calling, complain when they can’t come and go when they want, expect me to keep up with their things and somehow each and every one of these issues is MY fault.
My husband is VERY successful! We have more than I could ever hope for. It has taken us YEARS to build the life we have. When he is at work, come hell or high water, I handle it. My responsibilities vary, I’ve had to find leaks and fix the broken pipes, use a chainsaw and tractor to move a tree off the driveway, get our 120 lb dead dog off the highway and bury him, I even moved our family and all our belongings 25 miles away to a new house ALL BY MYSELF while my husband was away. I know my husband can’t be concerned with these issues while he is at work. Or I could wait till he gets home and let him do it. But I like giving him more time off when he is home.
I do more than any other female friend I know when it comes to maintaining our home and handling certain issues. For being gone ½ the year my husband has the security of knowing all the things he has worked hard for, will be ready for him to enjoy when he returns home. He says that he could never have this lifestyle with out me. We really have a great place we both love! He says with out me, he would have to live in a neighborhood with no land and have to go other places to entertain himself on his time in. He completely relies on my best judgment when he is gone. I just do the best I can, I’m sure I make mistakes here and there. But nothing I couldn’t fix. (Well I couldn’t bring the dog back to life, and I trusted that someone else would close the gate after they opened it)
I can go on and on about the things they have done over the years that are repulsive. I could also go on about all my responsibilities and how I have never let my husband down.
Over 2 years have passed with out any involvement with the in-laws. It’s been about a year since they stormed out of our house when we tried talking to them. At that time I realized how much crap was going on through out the family about me, I was crushed. So many things were clear…
People, who used to wave at me, now act like they don’t see me. People, who used to return my phone calls, no longer do. People, who used to let their children come over, don’t anymore. There have been times when I meet someone new, and then hear an untrue humiliating story about myself from them. Even from other parents in my children’s class.
Deep down I know good will prevail, and God will make sure everyone gets what they deserve. I know God knows my heart and knows I have done nothing to deserve this madness.
My problem is with my husband. I have been resenting him for not making it clear to people that his dad is a jerk. I feel like he doesn’t care about my self esteem. I have told him that all the people that FIL involved, are the people he needs to speak to. Not just in my defense, but so people know how he feels.
If we run into one of the members of the family that are part of this mess, they will hug my husband and he will hug them back!! I feel like my husband should confront the people who talk trash about his wife. At first he promised he would do it and set anyone involved straight. For a long time that kept me going I told him if he didn’t do that it would really interfere with our marriage. Well he never did, at first he kept making excuses. But now over a year later he has just decided he doesn’t think it’s necessary, unless someone questions him about me to his face.
I don’t care if it changes the way they feel. It effects how I feel. I wouldn’t feel so ashamed, and insecure. I would have a little more confidence when I walk past these people every other day. If he doesn’t express is disapproval then he is approving it! They continue feeling pity for my husband due to his parent’s revengefulness toward me.
I am so turned off when I think of how he refuses to go up to bat for me.
I resent that through out our marriage he didn’t think this was a serious problem. I feel completely disconnected from him. I feel like he is partly to blame.
I can’t imagine anyone speaking negative thoughts about my husband that weren’t true and facing them many times and not clearing the air.
He supports me in anything I want to do. Hes a good guy, I am very blessed to have him. I just cant live like this, my self esteem is shot. I don't know what else to do.
I have an appointment with a marriage counselor to see if there is anything else I can do.
Almost 2 years ago I was at my lowest. I couldn’t stand myself or the doubts I had about my worthiness. At that time I started a thread on another website about a blow out with his parents. I really wanted to know what other people thought. I and my husband followed the thread and it turned out to be VERY reassuring to me that I wasn’t crazy. Unfortunately since it went 6 months with out any activity, it got put in the archives and is no longer available. There was a significant amount of detail in that thread regarding the behavior of my in-laws (his parents), what they have done to me.
Its impossible for me to express how seriously sick they are with out giving some examples.
I was a single mom when I met my husband. His family did everything to discourage him from marrying me, but he did anyway and he adopted my daughter soon after. He is the only dad she knows. The first 7-8 years of our marriage my husband was out of the country for 32 days and was home for 26 days. NO phone calls were allowed but sometimes we could email. Under no circumstances was he able to take off, or come home unless one of us died. I had always lived in some type of community environment like a trailer park or appt complex. He had a house with no neighbors in sight, and the closest person I knew was 45 minutes away, including his family. I had a hard time adapting to living that lifestyle.
I knew his parents didn’t accept me. They refused to come to our wedding when it was 15 minutes from their house, because it “wasn’t in a church”. My parents were driving 600 miles to come, so I decided to take a few hours off their trip and have it a few hours from our house. So now they use the excuse “it was too far” when other people ask why they didn’t come.
I always made an effort to visit them if I was close, even if my husband wasn’t home. He had 2 younger sisters (10 & 11) and I wanted to be close to them. I always came around with gifts for them on many occasions
His parents still criticized every move we made. We bought a couple dogs and they gave us hell for having dogs! They made us out to be child abusers because “they would get big and turn on us”. His dad heard me say that I let one in the house if I get uncomfortable at night when my husband is away, he blew up in my face. (My husband wasn’t there) Asking me who do I think I am? He explained how I am going to end up in Jail, and he would press charges. He said my dogs have no business in my house and I better think long and hard before I do it again. He said the dog will attack my daughter and it would be my fault.
I was in shock… but I got used to his controlling attitude and learned how to ignore it to some degree.
While trying to get pregnant I had several miscarriages. His mother always found ways to blame me and tell me how my husband is going to be let down if I didn’t have a baby.
After I was finally diagnosed and being treated, I was allowed to carry on with pregnancy as normal.
When I was about 6 months pregnant, I was at a stop sign and a car slammed into the back of my SUV.
I was fine, and the truck had a little work done. No big deal.
The next time we saw his parents, his father went on for over an hour at the diner table yelling, and slamming his hand on the table, spitting when he yelled, telling me I “had NO business driving a car”. “What the hell is wrong with you driving in your condition?” When I explained to him my doctor said I can drive, he said “You have no common sense, doctors think people know better” (he’s a doctor) “There is NO excuse for you to be on the road” He went on putting me down. My husband just sat there, next to me listening to the whole thing. I felt like such an idiot. I didn’t know what to feel, be angry? Be sad? My husband said on the way home, “that’s just the way he is”.
After the birth of our first son, I became very ill and had to be re admitted to the hospital in solitary confinement. I was delirious with high fever and on ice packs for days. About a week later I got to come home. I had not seen my new baby, talked to my family, and I hadn’t had a shower in a long time.
I was still recovering from the c-section too. I just wanted to go home and chill. MIL thought it was appropriate for her along w/other family members to come over and eat the very same hour I arrive from the hospital. My husband didn’t think there was anything wrong with that until I explained how uncomfortable it made me. SHE was in my driveway when we got home from the hospital. And she still had other family members at my home an hour later! MY house was a wreck from me being gone so long and she was there the whole time I was in the hospital. I couldn’t believe the position I was in.
As months pass I noticed I had to defend every action I made to them more and more. Sometimes they would approach my husband about an issue he was already aware of, but they would complain how they didn’t like the way I handled it. So even my husband would question me and expect me to defend myself.
One time when he was out of the country his mother begged me to go to a family reunion. She said she would help with the kids and such. Well after being there for 30 minutes, trying to keep up with my kids in two different directions at once, only knowing 2 people in a crowd of over 50 people, and my 6 month old baby was crying the entire time, I was ready to go. His mother (who begged me to come) was outside smoking and I never saw her. I wasn’t enjoying myself, and it was just too stressful. I still said my “good byes” to them; I also said how I just wasn’t comfortable and wasn’t enjoying myself.
I told my husband how it ended up and how I learned my lesson. Well a few weeks later when his parents saw him they said I left “all of a sudden and made a scene”. They painted this horrible picture of me. Other occasions my FIL has told my husband to "cut his losses” and “move on” while he is still young.
3 yrs into the marriage
I had enough of this bullying! I was being bullied from every direction. I told my husband I have had it with him and his family. I told him I don’t owe anyone an explanation for every move I make. My own parents have never talked to me the way his did. I was through with the marriage I just couldn’t take it any more.
He wrote them a letter explaining how offended he was. After that they disappeared for about a year and never saw any of us. Then his youngest sister got in a terrible auto accident and nearly died. I decided life is too short and I think his parents learned a lesson. We started coming around and I could tell they treated me with much more respect than before.
But slowly over the years, things started happening again. I tried to be close to his sisters and even allowed one of them to move in with us. She was a collage student, making excellent grades with a decent sense of maturity for her age. In lieu of rent she had a few chores and responsibilities that she proudly took and felt she was getting the easy end of the deal. Needless to say that went sour and when I asked her to move out, the dad went nuts. He made demands that he was coming over to get her stuff. I told them they can not come unless they call first.
That’s a rule we have ALWAYS had in place that ALL his family members continuously abuse!
Of course again my husband wasn’t home
Then I got a phone call from the family attorney. FIL called an attorney who is also a family member and said I wasn’t allowing them to come “at all”. I was so caught off guard; I didn’t know what the heck he was talking about, and why he was calling me over this. Anyway, I explained how they could come; they just have to call. They are not welcome to show up when ever they want. The attorney said that’s not a problem and that there must have been a misunderstanding.
Well thankfully my husband was due to be home 2 days later. Turns out FIL wanted to come on a different day. He was talking to my husband on the phone about it, and threatened how he was coming with the police, and we have to let him in. Things didn't play out like that, but his dad just can’t stand not being the boss of us. So all the times had to be set up through this attorney. Even the attorney couldn’t believe FIL ridiculous behavior toward his son.
Anyway, all this mess has his parents believing I am crazy. They think calling someone before you show up “is weird”, and “nobody does that”. We had them over to try and plead with them how our life is ours and they just need to mind their own business. We never got that far. We let them do the talking first and they just started attacking me for a speeding ticket, having a meeting with my daughters softball coach, how I dress, saying how everyone in the family hates me and thinks I am weird. They went on how everyone feels sorry for my husband for all the trouble I cause. He criticized my husband for being with someone like me and stormed out of our home.
Over the years we have really been tolerant of his family. One SIL almost accidentally burned down our house; they have walked in our home after midnight with out calling, complain when they can’t come and go when they want, expect me to keep up with their things and somehow each and every one of these issues is MY fault.
My husband is VERY successful! We have more than I could ever hope for. It has taken us YEARS to build the life we have. When he is at work, come hell or high water, I handle it. My responsibilities vary, I’ve had to find leaks and fix the broken pipes, use a chainsaw and tractor to move a tree off the driveway, get our 120 lb dead dog off the highway and bury him, I even moved our family and all our belongings 25 miles away to a new house ALL BY MYSELF while my husband was away. I know my husband can’t be concerned with these issues while he is at work. Or I could wait till he gets home and let him do it. But I like giving him more time off when he is home.
I do more than any other female friend I know when it comes to maintaining our home and handling certain issues. For being gone ½ the year my husband has the security of knowing all the things he has worked hard for, will be ready for him to enjoy when he returns home. He says that he could never have this lifestyle with out me. We really have a great place we both love! He says with out me, he would have to live in a neighborhood with no land and have to go other places to entertain himself on his time in. He completely relies on my best judgment when he is gone. I just do the best I can, I’m sure I make mistakes here and there. But nothing I couldn’t fix. (Well I couldn’t bring the dog back to life, and I trusted that someone else would close the gate after they opened it)
I can go on and on about the things they have done over the years that are repulsive. I could also go on about all my responsibilities and how I have never let my husband down.
Over 2 years have passed with out any involvement with the in-laws. It’s been about a year since they stormed out of our house when we tried talking to them. At that time I realized how much crap was going on through out the family about me, I was crushed. So many things were clear…
People, who used to wave at me, now act like they don’t see me. People, who used to return my phone calls, no longer do. People, who used to let their children come over, don’t anymore. There have been times when I meet someone new, and then hear an untrue humiliating story about myself from them. Even from other parents in my children’s class.
Deep down I know good will prevail, and God will make sure everyone gets what they deserve. I know God knows my heart and knows I have done nothing to deserve this madness.
My problem is with my husband. I have been resenting him for not making it clear to people that his dad is a jerk. I feel like he doesn’t care about my self esteem. I have told him that all the people that FIL involved, are the people he needs to speak to. Not just in my defense, but so people know how he feels.
If we run into one of the members of the family that are part of this mess, they will hug my husband and he will hug them back!! I feel like my husband should confront the people who talk trash about his wife. At first he promised he would do it and set anyone involved straight. For a long time that kept me going I told him if he didn’t do that it would really interfere with our marriage. Well he never did, at first he kept making excuses. But now over a year later he has just decided he doesn’t think it’s necessary, unless someone questions him about me to his face.
I don’t care if it changes the way they feel. It effects how I feel. I wouldn’t feel so ashamed, and insecure. I would have a little more confidence when I walk past these people every other day. If he doesn’t express is disapproval then he is approving it! They continue feeling pity for my husband due to his parent’s revengefulness toward me.
I am so turned off when I think of how he refuses to go up to bat for me.
I resent that through out our marriage he didn’t think this was a serious problem. I feel completely disconnected from him. I feel like he is partly to blame.
I can’t imagine anyone speaking negative thoughts about my husband that weren’t true and facing them many times and not clearing the air.
He supports me in anything I want to do. Hes a good guy, I am very blessed to have him. I just cant live like this, my self esteem is shot. I don't know what else to do.
I have an appointment with a marriage counselor to see if there is anything else I can do.
Total Comments 24
Comments
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Man that came out long......Posted 11-01-2007 at 03:32 PM by mxmama
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Before I start reading, I just had to post, WOW! You definitely had to get something out. Okay, now I'll read it.Posted 11-01-2007 at 04:33 PM by 5ft Diva - Okay, I just finished reading this and can I just tell you.....your in-laws are crazy!!!!! I'm so sorry to hear how they've mistreated you. These are stories you would hear about on one of Dr. Phil's shows, never something that would happen to you, if you know what I mean.
I don't want to sound like I want to get in the middle of this but I just thought I'd tell you that I would feel the same way towards my dh if I were you as well. It's not about not loving him and him not loving you, it's about him not being loyal to you and your marriage. I think there's a passage in the Bible that talks about leaving your parents and cleaving unto your husband/wife. What you're seeking is exactly what the scripture talks about. I'm just so sorry. You're in my prayers.Posted 11-01-2007 at 04:55 PM by 5ft Diva - Your right, I recently sent that scripture to my husband.
Now that he knows how disconnected I feel, and the consequences are surfacing he is extremely upset. Now he has a change of heart and has plans to work at it.
It has taken years for me to feel this disconnected, and I have no idea how long it would take to "fix" this.
Thats why I need to see a marriage counselor.Its been very hard to describe, because I know things can be worse. I know he treats me so well in every other area of our life.
Even though my in-laws are freaking nuts, its the only family I have. I just want some consistency for my children, especially on the holidays. When my husband is away, its very hard to make a eventful family occasion all by my self.
It makes me sad that I live in this state and my children don't see their grandparents 15 minutes down the road.
I am from so many places and my family is spread out from Chicago to Atlanta.
It really comforts me to know that someone else could not tolerate this behavior.
MAN I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO GET DR PHILL INVOLVED!!Posted 11-01-2007 at 05:10 PM by mxmama - Ya, Dr. Phil would have a thing or two to say about this one!!!
When is your appointment? And you're going by yourself, is that right? From the sounds of it, your hubby is in support of it. That's a good sign.Posted 11-01-2007 at 05:33 PM by 5ft Diva - My appointment is Monday, I cant wait.
Oh yes my husband is in support of anything that will keep us together. I keep having serious doubts about how thats possible. Although its much more convenient staying together, I wouldn't be healthy.
He is at work, so I will be going alone. He says he had no idea what I meant when I told him this would "interfere with our marriage".
I think its good for me to go alone. I am the one who has the problem with something he is doing or has done. There have been times where DH said, "you need to get over it". Making me feel like I am emotionally over reacting.
I cant wait to find out if the counselor thinks that "getting over it" is even possible.
At this point I think my husband will do anything.
He may end up going too when he gets home, but he doesn't mind.Posted 11-01-2007 at 05:45 PM by mxmama - Well, everybody needs a starting point. It's always nice to have an objective third party help you see things as they really are so that you can know how to move forward in the most healthy way for you. I'm interested to hear BS's take on this as he's a man and can empathize with your position. In our case it's my parents that are the controlling ones - not even close to your FIL -, but BS can laugh it off. It's me who has the issues with them. All I can say is, it's been an interesting road to travel down. No university degree could hold a candle to all the self help books I've read on this subject or to the hands on experiences I've had learning to understand the human psyche.Posted 11-01-2007 at 06:05 PM by 5ft Diva
- Thanks for the support! I am interested in what anyone and everyone has to say about this. If they agree with me or not, I really want to know how others think they would handle this situation.
A mans point of view would be very interesting. I think its probably too lengthy for BS. I'm sure he
when he saw it! 
Hopefully this will be a place I can continue to come back and read. I was so devastated when I found out my thread got archived. It had a wealth of info and support in there.Posted 11-01-2007 at 06:16 PM by mxmama - I am not sure if I can tell you what to do in your situation, but I can tell you what I have done in mine. It happened today, in fact.
I realized that I was constantly allowing myself to be involved in unhealthy (toxic) relationships on my side of the family. I always was feeling like I needed to give them one more chance or that if I didn't have a good relationship with them that it was my fault. It got to the point where I needed and wanted to move forward from where the "relationship" was and in order to do that I realized (with the help of healthy people) that I would need to step back and take some time off. I actually sent an e-mail out today to those members of my family I'm feeling this way towards and told them they won't be hearing from me for awhile. This may seem like a small thing, but for me it is huge. Declaring my boundaries to those I have felt negatively tied to for so long was something that has taken me a long time to do. I didn't do it to get even or to show them what I was made of or anything. I did it simply because I could not move forward in my own growth and development w/o taking some time away from them. I can see this will be very good for me. I understand that they aren't going to change so if I continue to have a relationship with them, I'm going to need to be at a place where I can just let a lot of what they say roll off my back and I'm not there yet which is what I'm currently working on. I've been reading a lot of books on codependancy and learning how to build trusting relationships with others and that has helped a lot. Anyway, like I said, I don't know if I can say this is what you should do, it's just what I've done. Hope that lends some perspective.Posted 11-01-2007 at 09:02 PM by 5ft Diva -
I hope your counselor is not another member of his family in your town and he lives far, far, away.
I really feel for you. Don't ever question if what you are feeling is right or wrong. You should never be treated by your inlaws or even your community the way you have been treated. Shame on all of them. Your blog had me furious. I am going to buy the next ticket to wherever it is you are and give all of them a piece of my mind!!!
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I also have a Mom that can be overbearing and even controlling at times. When I first married my husband she was very rude to him. No idea why? Just somebody to take out her problems on I guess. I saw a counselor who told me that even if she is my Mother, we all decide how people are going to treat us and I could not allow my Mother into my home if she was going to be disrespectful to my husband especially in front of my children. I talked with my Mother and luckily after six months of not talking she came around and has been much better. But I will not ever budge on how she treats my husband.
You are also in my prayers. Good luck. Be strong!!!!!Posted 11-01-2007 at 09:03 PM by LostnFound -
HOLY MOLEY!
Ok, so I wasn't scared off after all. I really wanted to read it, I just needed to get enough time to read it all in one sitting.
From a man's perspective, I can see where your husband is coming from. I can honestly say that there have been situations somewhat similar to yours, where my DW has told me something and I said, ya sure, I'll do that. Time goes on, and she reminds me again, and I say sure yeah, I'll do that... then promptly forget about it.
Then later, she's remind me again, but this time she's blistering MAD! Has some ultimatums, and I better get to it, or else (the proverbial wake up call to us dense husbands -- I call it a good swift kick in the nuts).
My point being, and this is my perspective, I really didn't know it meant so much, and that it was hurting her the way it was. We men really are pretty dense sometimes. We don't realize the damage it was causing, nor did we realize how important it was to our spouse.
Now having said that, let me say this, I do believe you husband WILL step up to the proverbial plate, and knock one out of the park for you. He DAMN well better too.
Continued in next post (ran into word limit)Posted 11-01-2007 at 09:50 PM by Big_Sissy - Ok, the rest of my comments.
I can see where you DH is out of town for a time, then back, then gone again, could really contribute to the problem. He can forget about it for a couple of weeks, so he may need reminding when he returns. Be patient with him if he forgets. But if he does, you give it to him. He NEEDS to stand by you PERIOD. If he's worth his Salt, he'll do it.
Now What LostnFound mentioned is true. You teach others how they can treat you. This is SOOO true. Not long ago, my wife decided that a certain way I was treating her didn't sit well with her. She sat me down and told me in no uncertain terms that this behavior better end or I'd be in deep. It promptly ended.
So, after you actually have your husband do some proverbial butt kicking for you, you need to remember that he's not going to be there all the time. There will be a time and place that you are going to need to lay down the law for yourself as well & tell that SOB FIL & MIL where to shove it, for how long, and how far!
When they start in on you, stop them in their tracks, with a STOP! and a "If you would like to talk to me like you are an adult, than we can continue this conversation, but until you can, we are done here! I will not allow you to berate, belittle, and harass me for another second." Stand up, gather your stuff (kids etc) and leave.
I hate to say it, but until you do it (although, you may have already since these are truly LOONY people, it's possible it's not worked), they will continue when he's not there to back you up.
Now, after all of that, let me say, I agree with your stance with you DH. He better get it together or else, PERIOD. You deserve that from him no questions asked. I'm sure it will be tough for him, but like I said earlier, if he's worth his Salt, he'll get r done.Posted 11-01-2007 at 10:03 PM by Big_Sissy -
I only have one comment- I feel like the others here said everything I would have said, better than I might have! Here is my comment: Your children need to be protected. At the risk of sounding insensitive, if your in-laws treat you poorly, your children are affected. It will affect them all differently. If it comes to holding holidays alone with your kids- as painful and difficult as it might be- the payoff will be worth it. My mom left when I was 12 yrs. old and my dad had to raise 7 kids (ages ranging from 2-14 that first year) alone. His parents lived two states away (and wouldn't have been much help had they been nearer). Although this was very difficult for him financially and emotionally, we had some wonderful Christmases together. And for the record, the seven of us are very close friends now as adults. We don't have a lot of the issues that other families have. I guess my point is, don't put your kids in an emotionally dangerous situation simply because their grandparents are so close by. If their grandparents are toxic people (which it sounds like they are) that toxicity will affect your children.
That's the only advice I have for you- protect your babies!!! Good luck with your DH and with the counseling. I hope things start improving for you. We live in a small community here, and I can only imagine how difficult that would be to feel ostracized by people who are supposed to be family! I'm disgusted that anyone could treat another person that way. It's shameful.Posted 11-02-2007 at 08:40 AM by bookworm - Wow! You have put up with a lot of crap from some very psycho people. I've heard of controlling in-laws, but yours take the cake. I say, change the locks & get an unlisted, phone number. Show them you mean business when you say you have boundaries! Sounds like harrassment to me! People have restrictive orders placed against them for that kind of thing.
Would your husband consider moving to another town or state? I know you'd be giving up a lot, but you'd be gaining new neighbors who aren't in league with your inlaws. We just moved 2500 miles from our families, and it has been sooooo nice to be away from certain family members! My children miss their cousins, but we visit a couple times a year & stay in touch via email, phone & letters. And, when we visit, WE set the rules for our time & energy!
I agree with BW. Protect your children for their sake & yours. I know of another mom who was being treated poorly; the children picked up on it & started treating her with the same disrespect. They will, most likely, take that negativity into their own marriages.
Kudos for seeking counseling. I hope your husband follows through with his support. Sounds like it's time for him to choose between his family or you. I know that sometimes, as women, we feel guilty for asking our husbands to put forth more effort in different areas because we know they work so hard to provide for us. But, as BS mentioned, sometimes husbands really don't get how certain emotional things effect us! There's a saying "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." If he knows what's good for him (and you & the kids) he'll start seriously defending you against his family!
GOOD LUCK!Posted 11-02-2007 at 09:07 AM by - Thank you EVERYONE for the support! I cant express how much it means to me to know I am not overreacting.
As far as the communication with my husband, over the past year I would say I have confronted the issue 7 times to his face and a couple times email. Each time I brought it up his attitude was more bitter and he just got more defensive. He would usually end up saying "stop feeling sorry for yourself" and insist I get over it. He wasn't forgetting, he would be reminded minutes before he had the opportunity. Each time I confronted him with this issue he just ripped a more and more of my heart out by the way he would respond.
If it crosses my mind when he is next to me (and it often does), I literally become disgusted.
I know the FIL & MIL are toxic as long as they refuse to understand and respect how our household works. I feel like they haven't been properly informed that the rules we have in place are mutual. They really don't realize my husband expects me to uphold a commitment to this household.
I believe over the years since DH has allowed them to speak so negative about me and to me, that created the illusion he approved. I understand that he has been conditioned to accept that behavior. They are his parents.
BUT, since it has taken him so long to respond the correct way, its way harder.
Example...
When his father first suggested divorcing me, he should have freaking slammed him at that moment. Instead of just sitting there and listening because, "thats the way he is"
FIL is an arrogant SOB who is used to everyones nose stuffed up his rear. FIL just cant stand the fact he isn't the boss of us. It literally drives him crazy!
He only gives things to people he wants to manipulate later. He is a horrible man, who walks around judging people like he is God!
MIL is a bad (BAD) alcoholic, and everyone knows it. For over 10 yrs everyone has wanted her to get help! But FIL wont allow it. Because it reflects on him.Posted 11-02-2007 at 09:22 AM by mxmama - Again, I really want to thank everyone for taking the time to read and offer support.
I hope the counselor isn't in his family
I thought about that too. I will be able to find out and I will!
I can honestly say that every other area of my life couldn't be better!
My kids are happy and healthy. We have everything I could ever want. I just need more emotionally.
I wanted to move out of state the first year we were married, YES because of his family. But he wanted to stay close to them. There were times where I was glad to have them near too. There was actually 1 Christmas that was really nice when my husband was away. 1 out of like 6?
Just recently my husband said he wants to take me out of this place and move us all far away. Well that would be great, but it doesn't change my feelings about him. If we do get through this, moving would be a good idea. He can basically live anywhere.
But the further he lives from the LA coast, the sooner he has to leave for work and the later he comes home.
At least its an option though.
Its the kids in school.......thats the hard part!Posted 11-02-2007 at 09:37 AM by mxmama - Theres something else I think I should say on my husbands behalf.
He cant stand the sight of either of his parents! He wants to punch his dad, and slap his mother for not standing up for herself. Anyway, so we don't go to any family function they attend. DH feels by us not being there shows everyone how he is ignoring his parents.
I say us not being there reflects more negative on me. His fathers negative words are the only ones people hear, and everything he doesn't like is my fault. So now it looks like I am keeping my husband from attending events. OR is because of me. Thats why I get the cold shoulder from everyone else.
Now DH did sit down with his 85 yr old grandmother and explain his disgust with his father. She really never mistreated me, but it was still a great feeling knowing she knows better.Posted 11-02-2007 at 10:00 AM by mxmama - What I hear from you in these last three posts is you're all over the place. The 1st one, your angry at dh and in the last one, you're defending his actions - which says to me you're feeling very confused about what to do. (I think this is normal.) I also get the feeling that u feel guilty. Don't feel guilty about feeling angry about dh's reaction to his dad and how his dad treats u. It's just a place to start. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is what I got from my reading.
It sounds like dh isn't sure what to do about dad, so he tells you to get over it so HE doesn't have to deal it. That is totally understandable - notice I didn't say acceptable. DH sounds like a runner, which is why his job is so perfect for his lifestyle. Who wouldn't want to be gone 1/2 of the year w/ parents like that living just down the road? I also hear that your husband is angry when you bring up him doing something about his father. Anger comes from somewhere, where is his coming from? Anyway, I bring this up simply to help you understand (if you didn't already) the possible reasons behind dh's actions and a starting point for possible solutions that work for both you and dh. It really does sound to me like he just doesn't know what to do. You were so wise to seek help.
mx, I don't know how you do it. It sounds to me like you're the one holding the family together and that would be a lot for any one. You hang in there, help is on the way. I read in a book last night that "Healing comes naturally, when the causes of disease have been removed." I hear you want to heal so take that for what it's worth.Posted 11-02-2007 at 05:54 PM by 5ft Diva - Yes 5D you are correct I am all over the place.
I am trying to be as unbiased as I can, (if that even makes any sense) about the situation.
Earlier when I stated that he would hug family members, I wanted to make sure it was clear that didn't include his parents.
I also felt like I left out the "effort" (lack of a better word) he has made to the situation. Since in his head, he honestly believes ignoring his parent lets everyone know where he stands.
To me thats a load of crap! I know its just the easy way out! leaving all the ugly on my shoulders to lug around the rest of my life.
The hardest thing is explaining to him what difference it would have made if he did confront the people he should have.
I have a hard time putting it into words when he asks me. I would still have my self esteem, but its hard to explain.
I am constantly trying to be objective so I can get the best feedback I can.
Not that I haven't been getting great feedback, You guys are really supportive. I guess I am just a little surprised at how supportive.
I just cant thank you peeps enough for making this a little easier. I don't know how, but I am not as frustrated. I wish I would have done this sooner.Posted 11-02-2007 at 07:05 PM by mxmama - Well, at this point, it sounds like there is nothing to do but see where the cards fall. Meaning after your therapy, and after your husband hits land, and you can talk to him face to face about it.
I do feel for you though, my FIL is very controlling as well. Manipulation is the name of the game. But due to the nature of our situation (me being a man) it really hasn't affected our relationship as I just don't stand for it -- he knows that and respects it whether he likes to or not. But I do know how that feels and it's not good.
Please keep us updated on the progress, as I'm very interested to hear how it all pans out.Posted 11-03-2007 at 04:26 PM by Big_Sissy
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