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Dealing effectively with grief - or not
Posted 04-08-2008 at 10:13 PM by Stargazer
I've read quite a bit on grief lately. There are all kinds of opinions on how to deal with grief. The one I subscribe to is to let grief have a place in your heart. If we put grief away, hide it, lock it up, it will come back in full intensity some day.
I discovered the other day, however, that despite what I believe is the right way to handle it, I'm tending toward the hide it away means of coping. My grief tends to come at unexpected times. I understand that that is "normal". The deal is, those unexpected times aren't always convenient for tears or what have you. Hence - tuck it out of sight and don't deal with it.
I've found also that it's uncomfortable to deal with grief. One of the things that makes me the most sad is to think back about the suffering that my mother went through. In our effort to care for her and our focus on healing I don't think we truly recognized the ravages of cancer and her great suffering. Looking back I see that it must have been intense, dreadful. It's easier to shut the curtains on that vision than to look at it and feel it. I really think that's what I have to do, feel it I mean. It's been awhile since I've cried and I don't think that's good.
I discovered the other day, however, that despite what I believe is the right way to handle it, I'm tending toward the hide it away means of coping. My grief tends to come at unexpected times. I understand that that is "normal". The deal is, those unexpected times aren't always convenient for tears or what have you. Hence - tuck it out of sight and don't deal with it.
I've found also that it's uncomfortable to deal with grief. One of the things that makes me the most sad is to think back about the suffering that my mother went through. In our effort to care for her and our focus on healing I don't think we truly recognized the ravages of cancer and her great suffering. Looking back I see that it must have been intense, dreadful. It's easier to shut the curtains on that vision than to look at it and feel it. I really think that's what I have to do, feel it I mean. It's been awhile since I've cried and I don't think that's good.
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Comments
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So how do you bring it out in the open constructively, rather than tucking it out of sight? Do you schedule a good cry? I'm not being glib, here, I'm seriously asking.
In dealing with the grief of my crazy childhood, and the lack of a mother since I was 12, I have had times over the years where it came up and I recognized that I needed a good cry about it, so I would cry for a while. I am extremely practical-minded, though, and I decided one day that I wasn't going to feel that way any more. Is that unhealthy? It's been a long time, now, and my story is so different from yours, but I would think that there are very different ways of handling grief for every situation of loss and for every person.
Just for the record, when the pain is still raw and new, I would think you kind of have to let it out as often as it needs letting out (if it's inconvenient, maybe you hold it down for as long as you must and then run to your pillow and release it?) Does that make sense?
One thing I didn't do was recognize the need to really let myself feel the loss and the anger and the hurt when I was young. I didn't want to cry to my Dad, who was also hurting, and I didn't have ANY friends who understood, so I just didn't deal with it. I've been okay, but I wonder if I would be more trusting, or not so afraid of things had I dealt with it sooner, or better...
That probably doesn't help at all, but you triggered a response, and that's what it is.
God bless! I'm sure you'll figure out how to handle it SG, it is still a new experience.Posted 04-09-2008 at 02:01 PM by bookworm
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I am so sorry you are struggling. I think one of the many reasons why there are so many diffent opionions on how to deal with grief, is that everyone deals with grief differently and you just have to find what works best for you. I'm sure you already know that. I guess I'm just needing to remind myself.
I can relate to being sad about not realizing how much a loved one is suffering. I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't. I only know what I feel. It is hard for me to think about Levi suffering, even though I'm sure he did.
When these thoughts come into my mind, I don't try to force them out, but let them come in and leave again like a wave. This way I am feeling what I need, to continue the grieving process, but I'm not concentrating on the pain. Then I give it to the Lord. He has felt grieve, loss and pain. I don't know what to do with it, but He does.
I don't even think that it takes a lot of faith in times like this. All I need is a little hope. I hope that Levi did not suffer long, that he did not feel a lot of pain. I hope there was an angel to comfort him. And in the very least I find peace in knowing that he is no longer suffering. It doesn't make me miss him any less. It just helps me focus on something positive, instead of concentrating on the pain.Posted 04-11-2008 at 10:04 AM by Dia Minha
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