Grief

I don't know where else to put this so, I thought I'd put it here.
My mom died. It's been 6 weeks now.
I've become my father's emotional support system and listening ear. He calls me daily, sometimes several times. He's lost, angry, hurt, broken, trying. It's hard. Maybe I just need a hug. Maybe I just need someone to listen to me. Now I'm crying.

My mom had cancer. For the past year and a half I helped care for her. Not just visits, but the kind of care you need when you're bed ridden. The kind of care you never expect to have to give your parents. It was a blessing for me. I grew to love my mom even more deeply. I was reading a book about grief today that says loving more comes with consequences. Greater attachment brings greater pain. That's the truth. But it's worth it. At her Tribute (because she didn't want a funeral) someone came up to me and told me (referring to the displays that we had set up) how lucky I was that I had such great memories to hold onto. That my mom was an amazing lady. That's the truth. It has really made me think, and feel even better about our relationship.

Maybe this should be a blog. I've never blogged before, maybe I should give it a try. I just can't imagine anyone would be interested in reading it.

The things I struggle most with are the would-have-beens, the lack of answers I have (or don't have) to help my dad, and the questions that death brings. For me it has forced me to take a look at what I believe and figure out how firmly I believe it - and it has been hard. I do know there are answers, I just haven't found them all yet and it's somewhat unnerving.

Maybe this should go in the spiritual section.

It has been interesting to me in my reading and talking with people to notice the difference of response between the "experienced" and "inexperienced"
The "inexperienced" tend to tell you to get over it, move on, clean things out . . . while those who have experienced loss understand the fact that you are lost and distraught is perfectly normal and that you should deal with it as you see fit, and that you will, when you are ready.

So, my dad said he's going to write a book about what not to say to a person who has lost a loved one - here's a few of the choice ones:

Things not to say:

"I was in the Spirit World when your wife arrived and she is doing fine"

"Aren't you happy that your wife is in a better place?" (Oh yeah, don't I just looked thrilled!)

"I know your mom didn't want a funeral, but you need to give people a chance for closure" (Kiss my big ol' . . . If they loved her so much perhaps they could have come to visit her when she was alive and stuck in bed. By the way I agreed more with his next statement - "Well then, consider this, many people like to help out financially and a funeral creates an opportunity for them to do this" - OK then, I might go for that one)

"Your wife would want you to go find someone new" (Hi - yeah because she's been dead for a week now)

"Your wife is healed now" (Actually, if we dug her up she'd still have the cancer and the breaks in her arm and leg - her spirit never was broken or diseased)

"How are you" (I just buried my mom - how do you think I am?!)
(This was one of the hardest, because so many people ask it. A good number of people got my "I hate that question" or "crappy" response for the first couple of weeks. I found that a simple "I'm sorry" or "I'm thinking of/praying for you" worked a lot better for me.)

Also, the whole Plan of Salvation speech wasn't really good for me. I am truly grateful to have that knowledge and can't imagine what it's like to face death without it, but it doesn't fill the emptiness, and it is the loss that causes the pain, at least in our experience. I know that it is different for different people. I'm just sharing from my experience.

I know this is lengthy. Thanks for letting me take your time. I'd be curious to hear of some of your experiences, as I know I'm not the only one who has been through it.