boys and discipline

teeny · #1 02-12-2007, 10:27 AM

Well, I just ranted on another thread about boys being destructive, so I thought I'd start a new to thread to hopefully get some good advice from ya'll. My son, like I said, is a one-man wrecking crew. Sometimes he doesn't do it to be naughty, but sometimes he does. I was at my MIL the other day and he picked up the dog's dish. I said "Travis, put the dog food down." He literally looked at me, got an evil grin on his face, and threw it all over the kitchen floor!!!!

I was soooo mad! Whenever I go anywhere, (like to peoples houses and such) all I do the whole time is run around trying to stop Travis from getting into people's things, making messes, and breaking things. When I try to discipline him, it seems like nothing works. I have to yell at him at the top of my lungs, spank him, and put him in his room to make him even care that he's getting in trouble, and obviously that doesn't work because he still does the same things later. Like I said in the other thread, he also writes all over everything. What should I do??????????? HELP!!!!!! Is this just a toddler boy thing, and he will eventually grow out of it, or is this here for good, and I need to learn how to deal with it? As I was sitting here writing, he came up with a soda bottle and started banging the computer with it before I could stop him!

LostnFound · #2 02-12-2007, 12:48 PM

One very good rule to discipline that I learned from my husband was you should only ask a child once to do something. No and's if's or but's. I had a 5 year old son when we met and I was asking him three or four times to do something with a result of him throwing a fit. It was difficult going to the grocery store or going out to eat.

My son had trained me, not the other way around. Sometimes I would even give up because I just didn't want to deal with it. I met my husband and he had a whole different way of thinking. He is really big on respecting your parents. He helped me stick to what I was asking the kids to do and if I had to ask them again to do something they went to time out. It took a lot of effort from me, but the results have been so much better. My kids all know if I ask once I mean it. Maybe you are already doing this, but it's just something that really helped me.

teeny · #3 02-12-2007, 01:11 PM

With my daughter I've definitely stuck to that rule better, but I need to start being more strict with my son. I think up to this point I've really just thought of him as being a baby, and before I knew it I'm realizing he's not anymore. Also, he doesn't talk, at all, and so sometimes I find it really hard to communicate with him. I know he understand's everything I say, but when I get no feed back from him except for crying it's really hard to know what's going on in his little head. When Savannah was his age I remember having a hard time with her as well, but I think it was easier to get through it because I knew how to reason with her really well, and I knew she was listening to me because she would answer me when I talked to her. I think I also went through the 'she's still a baby thing' with her as well and I think it was about at this age that I had struggles trying to transition into expecting more responsible behavior from her as well. (Well, as responsible as you can be at two! LOL) Thanks J for the advice! It's made me think about stuff. I think that will help.

teeny · #4 02-12-2007, 01:16 PM

Oh, another question. Another thing I have a hard time with is disciplining when we're not at home. What do you guys do when you're at a friend's or families house, or at the store and your child does something naughty? At home I usually just make my kids go to their rooms, and in Travis' case, in his crib and then after they've been there a little while, I go in and talk to them about what happened and how they can be better. Any ideas for away from home?

**5ft Diva** · #5 02-12-2007, 01:24 PM

That was great advice LnF. What do you do about older boys when they don't listen? I'm having a hard time with that.

I don't know if this will work T but the thought I had when you were talking about your son's behavior is that he's trying to interact with you. I remember when one of my boys used to push one of my other boys onto the floor. He would be put in time out and I would get so frustrated because I couldn't figure out why he kept doing it. One day, I watched him closely to figure out what he was thinking and I realized that he thought he was playing with this brother. My boys and I wrestle all the time when they're little (when they get older it's with their dad) and I noticed that that is what he thought he was doing. I taught him that pushing down his brother is not the way to get attention. If he wants to get attention and play with his brother he needs to go get a couple of toys or something like that to show his brother that he wants to play. It seemed to work. I hope this makes sense.

teeny · #6 02-12-2007, 01:31 PM

You know, that does make perfect sense! I think it's been really hard for me to communicate with him (for the reason's I said before) and so he probably is just trying to interact with me. I remember a couple of months ago I was sitting on the floor doing something(can't remember what) and Travis came up to me about 2 or 3 feet away and threw his sippy cup full of milk at me! It hurt so bad I started crying and got really mad at him and put him in his room. But looking at his little face, and thinking about it later I realized that he didn't have a mean look about him, I think like you said, it was just his way of interacting with me. Well, maybe things will get a little better when he start's talking, and until then I will definitely try to keep this in mind so that I can deal with him better now. Thanks you guys, for your advice.

**5ft Diva** · #7 02-12-2007, 01:37 PM

Hey, we're all in this together! This was a good reminder to me of what's going on around here with some of my boys.

runamyrun · #8 02-12-2007, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by teeny

Oh, another question. Another thing I have a hard time with is disciplining when we're not at home. What do you guys do when you're at a friend's or families house, or at the store and your child does something naughty? At home I usually just make my kids go to their rooms, and in Travis' case, in his crib and then after they've been there a little while, I go in and talk to them about what happened and how they can be better. Any ideas for away from home?

When my kids were your kids ages (not that they are much older now!), we had a hard time with discipline. I felt that they were still so little, and I didn't know what was appropriate for that age. At first we would put the kids in their beds for time out, but they have too much fun playing there. We watched an episode of Super Nanny, where she put the kids in the corner. How old the child was, she put them in the corner that many minutes. My son is 5, so he goes in the corner for 5 minutes. This works really well for us. When we travel, we can almost always find a corner to put our kids in. If there isn't one, we find a tree or a post, or whatever. We aren't always consistent, though. When are kids are being more crazy than normal, we realize that we have slacked off on discipline. I hope that helps!

teeny · #9 02-12-2007, 01:52 PM

Thanks, I will try that. Although, I'm afraid that at first, it's going to be hard to get Travis to mind me by staying in the corner. Well, better get on it. I know that if I just impliment these ideas and stick to it it will definitely pay off in the long run.

LostnFound · #10 02-12-2007, 02:08 PM

To answer 5'D question on what I do with my older boys. I was watching Dr. Phil for a while and follow his rule to take something away from them that they really enjoy and wouldn't want to go without. For discipline I take an activity away for a set period of time depending on the situation. Example: computer time, video games, time with friends, basketball or baseball games.
I just really think about each one personally and what the would not want to go without.

I also have the boys pick up dog poop as discipline. They all HATE to pick up dog poop so this usually whips them into shape. Examples: telling me about a big school project at 9:00 the night before it is due, fighting, or not coming home after school. What are your tricks 5'D?

**5ft Diva** · #11 02-12-2007, 02:13 PM

I don't think I have any. Ask my husband, he's a great parent!

***Big_Sissy*** · #12 02-13-2007, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostnFound

I also have the boys pick up dog poop as discipline. They all HATE to pick up dog poop so this usually whips them into shape. Examples: telling me about a big school project at 9:00 the night before it is due, fighting, or not coming home after school. What are your tricks 5'D?

Ok, so as soon as I can stop

I'll try and type something...

That was really funny for some reason. I'll grab my

and enjoy watching that. Though that's a great idea since my boys hate that too.

***Big_Sissy*** · #13 02-13-2007, 08:25 PM

Ok, now that I've composed myself, I have some comments.

Where are the spouses in all of this? The only reason I ask is because no one really mentioned anything about it, other then LnF.
Always consider your background. What I mean by that is everyone is limited by the training they received from their parents/guardians, for the good or bad, it's a large part of who you are, and how you'll discipline.
Recognize these limitations that you inherited from your background.
Make a plan on how your going to overcome them. More then likely 1 by 1.

Now that I've said that, I feel, and some these have been mentioned, but need to be re-mentioned since they are really important IMOP, these are:

Be Fair. That means that the punishment should fit the crime.
Be Consistent - not only in the punishment, but between children.
Recognizing that you're not alone (hopefully you have a spouse anyway) that you can always call on for backup. Don't be afraid to say, "Well, we'll see what your father thinks of this." Often times they'll all of a sudden decide that they'd rather deal with you.
Be Flexible - not all rules are so important that they would damage your child's self esteem, or make them feel like you are a Nazi ruler. (easier said then done BTW)
Have a PLAN - Corner trick, time out (I hate time outs) etc.
Make sure both parents are on the same page, so one doesn't undermine the other (working on this one myself).
Maintain composure - try not to lose it - I know very tough sometimes.
Always remember you ARE the parent. This will make more sense when you get older children, because they will try and turn things around on you if you let them, or bring up some reason as to why they did it, and it's all your fault when in fact it's not true. You ARE the adult / Parent.

Now, Teeny you mentioned and someone brought it to your attention about boys and them wanting to play, although the play may be inappropriate. This is something almost all boys go through. Which is why playing with their fathers is such an important part of their childhood.

Let me ask all of you a question. Ever noticed the difference between how boys and girls fight? Boys (usually) don't kick in the privates, they don't pull hair, they don't scratch, etc. (note that all depends on whether dad actually did play with them) However, girl fights are NASTY, their are NO rules. In fact the ones I've seen were downright scary. The difference, boys learn from wrestling with their dad (sometimes their mom's too) what is appropriate behavior for wrestling or fighting. Girls typically don't wrestle much so they don't get this training, they also don't usually have desires to punch and hit either, so it's usually okay that they don't. Now I don't condone fighting, I'm only making a point. You really are teaching them. And often times depending on the age and severity they need a consequence. These consequences are what helps them figure out what's appropriate and what's not.

You also have to figure out what works for different kids, because what works for little Billy might not even phase little Jonny.

Anyway, I've rambled long enough, but I hope that in some way helps.

**5ft Diva** · #14 02-13-2007, 09:02 PM

See, I told you he's a great parent!

***Big_Sissy*** · #15 02-13-2007, 10:44 PM

Ha, not that great of a parent... knowing the information and using it are two entirely different things.

teeny · #16 02-14-2007, 08:50 AM

I've started doing the corner thing with Travis (I have him put his nose in a corner, and he's not supposed to move, not to turn around etc.etc. until I tell him he can) and then I tell him what he did that was naughty and ask him to say sorry to me. (His sorry is giving me a hug because he can't talk.) I've also been trying to be a lot more consistent as well. So, with these two things hopefully things will start getting better, and he'll start taking me a lot more seriously. My hubby is usually very strict, a lot stricter than me. He doesn't allow bad behavior, period. But, it's when he's not here that I have a harder time. Although, I do have to admit that sometimes I think he's a little too strict. Although, I'm sure he doesn't think I'm strict enough. Actually, when it comes to disciplining Travis, he's really good at it, and it works! He can handle Travis a lot better than I can. (Maybe it's just a Dad thing.) But, when it comes to disciplining my daughter, I think I win on that one. I guess we just need to learn from each other's strengths. I'm better with girls and he's better with boys.

LostnFound · #17 02-14-2007, 11:17 AM

Thanks for all the wonderful insight BS. It's great to see a Dad so involved in parenting. No wonder you have such great kids. Keep the advice coming. It's great to have a mans perspective.

***Big_Sissy*** · #18 02-14-2007, 12:03 PM

Thanks LnF, I don't know how good I am, I just know the information. Like I said, Knowledge and implementation is two different things. But I DO try.