How do you AVOID complaining?

**5ft Diva** · #1 10-11-2008, 01:04 AM

I have come to the realization (through the honesty of others - which I truly appreciate) that I complain too much, or at least, I complain more than I'd like to. What do you do to avoid complaining? I know the basic answer is be grateful, but I'm looking for something a little more substantial than that. What is it exactly that you do? If you used to complain, how did you get your brain to shut off the complain button and turn on the "I see everything good" button? What or who has influenced you to not complain? I find myself asking the question, what exactly is complaining?

PhillyGirl · #2 10-11-2008, 08:49 AM

Sorry I have nothing to offer you because I think I am on the side of complaining too much. I will be interested in hearing what people have to say.

bookworm · #3 10-11-2008, 02:14 PM

ooh, good question. I've noticed that I complain a lot lately, too. Sometimes when I catch myself, I just STOP. For me it's about thinking before I open my mouth, and then trying to be positive. Obviously, I'm not a total success, but work in progress is good, too.

Meticulous madness · #4 10-11-2008, 10:27 PM

I believe I complain a lot too, and I didn't realize it was something that I did until recently. So, definitely I think the first HUGE step to not complaining, is to recognize that you do it and that it's a poblem.

I would guess that the second step is answering WHY you do it. I'm betting you could narrow it down to a few things that you complain about repetitively. When do you do it the most? Maybe the insight would help give you direction for conquering it.

For me...I complain when I'm inconvenienced. If I finally get to sit down to eat (after getting everybody else situated) and somebody needs something else, I flip. I like my food hot. But still, I usually get up, stomp around and get what they need, mumbling all the while about why they should be doing it themselves. I complain to DH when he asks for my help to do something and I'm right in the middle of cleaning, or organizing or whatever. Mind you...when I was willing to help - most generally, he was sleeping or doing something lazy - so I'm even more complaintant about those things. I complain when I'm asked to do something for other people, and I feel like my family gets jipped (with my time).

Anyway, I finally realized that my complaining is more like a "martyrdom" habit because I've always felt rather obligated to do what I was asked. It sounds brutal in some ways, but I finally decided that the way I can stop complaining is to politely say NO THANKS when I don't think I can handle the task gracefully! I think the ability to say NO is good skill.

If I can tell I'm going to throw a hissy fit and then just do it anyways...I try to opt out FIRST, or tell the person (or persons) WHEN and HOW I am willing to help, ie. telling the two year old that I will get her a new drink, to replace the one she spilled - in just a minute. But she will have to be patient for now, while I eat my hot food.

On in the flip side (in a more Christlike mode) I find that many times when I feel the urge to complain about something I KNOW I should be willing to do - I can tell myself that I AM A HELPFUL PERSON and that generally takes the complaining out of it (because I'm concentrating on the "new me." I never realized how unhelpful I used to be. Not because I didn't DO helpful stuff all the time, but because I complained the whole time. Have you ever been on the other end of somebody's complaining help? It has a tendency of making everybody feel bad. I remember my mom used to say, "Never mind. I'll do it myself."

DH's family is SUPER helpful. Some times overly helpful. But, I have never met people more willing to bend over backwards for other people, and to do it with a smile on their faces. They don't even ask usually, they just look around, see what needs to be done and do it. It's something that I adore about them, and have tried to emulate in the last few years.

I don't see you as a complaining person, Diva, just as an FYI. But, I know we're always more critical of ourselves. So, good luck with changing what needs to be changed!

Sorry for the long-windedness

Meticulous madness · #5 10-11-2008, 10:42 PM

One more thing...

A silly suggestion for avoiding irritation, which leads to complaining (a suggestion from a lady on PYP) is to sing "It's a Hard Knock Life" from the Annie soundtrack (Bookworm, your birthday post reminded me of this).

Apparently, as a child, whenever she had to clean or do anything else she felt was annoying, she would BELT OUT the song or play the soundtrack, all the while doing her tasks. Her parents would laugh at her. She has passed the trick on to her own kids.

I instantly downloaded the song to my Ipod, and listen to it now once in a while. It totally makes me laugh. But, I have caught myself taking her suggestion a time or two.

Erudite · #6 10-13-2008, 12:03 PM

I can remember telling myself so hard that I was NOT going to complain through my last two pregnancies...and then just gave up because the morning sickness was yucky and that 9th month....well, you all know about the 9th month. I bring this up because now, I often analyze the complaint forming on my lips about my current health...and then I don't say it out loud, because in the analysis I find that there's not a whole lot that complaining will do. My DH already feels bad that I feel bad, so bringing every little thing to him would only make it worse. I asked him once, if he wanted to hear it, and he very kindly said, "well, I don't want you to keep things back if you need to tell me, but I also hope to help you not dwell on it if I can." And isn't that the truth...sometimes we need to tell someone we're having a hard time, but at the same time, we need to find ways not to dwell on the hard time. Gratitude is a great way to do that...so is service.

But 5D I remember one of the things that helped me was Dr. Lund's book "Without Offense". Too often, complaining is also criticizing. As we learn to not criticize we learn to not complain either. At least that's one thing that helped me. I'm not perfect either, but I do know that complaining/criticizing rarely helps my mood. I need to focus on "what can I do to help this situation?" and that usually helps me out of the complaint mode. And you know what they say...you're not allowed to complain unless you're willing to do something about it. And if you're willing to do something about it, why are you complaining? Get to work.

**5ft Diva** · #7 10-13-2008, 07:00 PM

Well, ladies. It sounds like it all boils down to choices and attitudes. This is definitely food for thought. I appreciate the perspective you have all given as my view on complaining has become a little watered down and, therefore, acceptable. It's okay, if.... When in reality it's not acceptable to complain.

Just to give you all a little background on this. I started receiving unsolicited help from an individual over a period of time and was beginning to feel frustrated. When I confronted this person about my feelings they told me the only reason they were helping me was because I would complain (my words, not theirs) and that they were only trying to help me. In my eyes, the complaining was merely venting, but I can see how it was not good to vent. It's a hard habit to break, but one I am anxious to be rid of. It was an eye-opening experience for me to say the least and I truly appreciated the honest feed back. I feel it's a true friend who can tell you the things you may not want to hear.