I just found out that three of my classmates have passed away

[5ft Diva]

A friend from HS found me last week and we've been e-mailing back and forth trying to catch up. During the course of our e-mails I found out that three of my classmates have died since graduation. One of drowning, one from cancer, and one from a car accident. This is all I know.

I was shocked when I heard the news and I just can't quite shake the info from my mind. Am I the only one who would want closure in someone's death even though I only knew that person +/-15 years ago?

I feel so badly that each of their family's are hurting and I was not able to express my condolences because I didn't know of their passing.

I am just trying to process how I feel. It's so hard to think that you think everything is fine and perfect in everyone's life and then to find out that there are three people who are the same age as me (probably w/ families of their own) who's lives ended suddenly.

I just feel so badly. I guess I'm just processing.

[Meticulous madness]

VERY SAD!!! It is hard to hear about it after the fact, too, huh?! It makes you feel a little helpless. Like you want to do something, but you're not sure what.

I had a similar situation happen recently. A friend of mine lost her husband (who I knew a little bit and loved also). It wasn't until 2 1/2 months later that I found out about it. I felt really bad, like...what do I do now? Do I send a belated sympathy card? Do I ask her to lunch to "talk" about it all? Is that weird? Is that opening up semi-healed wounds by that point?

Anyway, I feel for you! I don't think it matters how long it's been since you've seen somebody. If you cared for them and loved them, and hear of their passing - it's hard. Sorry to hear about your loss!

[5ft Diva]

WOW, MM. You really captured my feelings in a post! It's been therapeutic to read this. I really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks for opening up.

I'm sorry to hear about your friends husband. That would be HORRIBLE!

[trishcook]

As someone who recently went thru the death of a very loved family member, here are my thoughts. For me...I would be so very grateful for even just a phone call saying you'd just heard and wanted to express love, condolences or just say I'm thinking about you. It's one of the most difficult things to experience in life and then to feel that people don't really care or want to talk to you about it really hurts. We all get busy and wrapped up in our little families and lives that sometimes we don't hear about these events and so it's completely understandable that you couldn't/didn't contact them when the event occurred and I'm sure most people would be understanding of this. Also, for me, a call after the fact, even a year would still be appreciated because the loss isn't something you just "get over" and then move on...it's something that will forever be a part of my life. The stages of grieving will be different, but even just knowing that someone who knew my mother and just found out about her passing and wanted to remember me and my family would be so nice to hear, especially during those times when you just need that call or that note that says someone cares. Hope this makes sense and helps in some way!!

[natickgirl]

I completely agree with all that has been said. I know of a few of my classmates who have passed away; one died with her newlywed husband in a car accident about 8-9 years ago. It is shocking to hear of people our ages passing away, and it makes us have to deal with thoughts of our own mortality. Also, as friends, we feel for those who are dealing with loss. When my Mom died, I think it was almost has hard on my friends, who loved her & loved me, as it was on me. (Initially, at least.)

I think it is best to send condolences, even if it is long after the fact. People always like to know someone cares. Sometimes it is even more meaningful when it comes later, when many have all but forgotten the loss. I don't think you would be remiss to invite your friend to lunch to chat about life & loss, provided you have a good relationship with that friend already. If the relationship is strong enough, you can go years without talking, then pick up as if you just chatted yesterday (at least, that's how it is for BW & me). If you're not comfortable with that, then send a note saying you just heard about the loss & leave an open invitation to "catch up sometime." If she's ready & interested, she'll take you up on your offer.

[natickgirl]

I just thought of something else. If you knew their families, you might want to send a note to their parents (if they're still living in the area). Then they would know their son or daughter has not been forgotten.

[Meticulous madness]

NG and TC - I really liked your posts. Thanks for chiming in with your personal perspectives. It's so good to see things from a different angle.

[bookworm]

I agree with what has been said.

I think it's especially surreal when it's someone you don't really have contact with. The newlyweds that died that NG and I knew (we knew the bride) got married the same day as me and DH-- assuming it's the same girl, I hope there's not another- that was tragic-- we ran into them at the movies a couple of weeks before the wedding(s) and compared stories. Then a few months later we heard they had died in a car accident. It was so STRANGE!! I wasn't really even friends with her- just school acquaintances, but it was still sort of like being slugged for a while.

I don't know of any others, but it seems like as we get older there will be more and more people going on before us... kind of sad, huh?

I've never lost anyone except grandparents through death, so I appreciate the advice on how to approach someone who is grieving. I felt so bad that NG and I had lost touch- I heard about your mom months after it happened and we hadn't talked in a while, and I really didn't know what to do. Plus I was still quite young and self-centered and stupid. I wish I had contacted you more during those years. I loved your mom! She was one of the sweetest women I knew in jr. high and hs.

I wish my dad had taught me more about what to do in these situations. I didn't even attend funerals for any of my 4 grandparents- they all died and were buried in California, including my gma who lived in SLC for her last decade of life. When I was in college I heard about my hs drama teacher- who I really liked a lot- dying of a heart attack. He still had a young son or two at home. I wanted to send his widow a letter, but just never knew what to say!

Someone should teach a course, I guess !

[missypoohsticks]

Okay, so as someone who has been on the receiving end of sympathy from others, the most important thing is to know that people care. To be honest, it really bugged me when people would tell me "they're in a better place." Nope, at that moment, the best place was with us and our family. Just let them know that you are thinking of them and you are there if they need to talk. That is priceless.