September is not a good month for a birthday

[Laundrygirl]

Hi Everyone,

I'm having a rough time this month, it's my birthday in a couple of days, and my little brother has the exact same birthday as mine and he died in February of this year, and I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact the he is gone and I don't feel like celebrating, is this normal. I really miss him, this is the first year that all the holidays are going to be different, I try to remember him always positive and think of his good qualities, but knowing that he's not coming back has been really hard, I guess I just wanted to get this out of my system, before it eats me alive. Has anyone gone through this and if so, how have you dealt with it. Let me know, so I can continue on living with his memory in a good way, it may get easier over the years, but I've heard the first year is the hardest, and I guess I'm not ready to deal with it. Thanks for your time, Laundrygirl

[Dia Minha]

Laundrygirl, I can very much relate. I hate my birthday! On July 5th 2005 (my birthday) I was 11 weeks pregnant and started to spot. I lost the baby exactly a week later. On July 5th 2007 I was 18 weeks pregnant and found out through an ultra sound that my baby had passed away. On, 07-07-07, the luckiest day of the century, after six hours of hard labor I delivered my little boy. He was due toward the first of December. Both the month of July and December are hard months to make it through.

Just know it is ok to mourn. Set aside birthday plans if that is what you feel like doing. If not, it is ok to celebrate your birthday and his memory. On both Levi's birth/death date and his due date anniversaries we have had the kids write little notes and attach them to balloons and let them go. It is amazing therapy and a wonderful way to remember and grieve. For Christmas we have set a goal to give a present to Toys for Tots for a little boy that is the same age Levi would be if he were alive. Also an amazing way to both celebrate his memory and grieve our loss. We also have a blue butterfly ornament we put on the tree Dec. 6th (his original due date).

I was talking to my mom last June, about how it was so unfair that July and December use to be the happiest months of the year. The 4th of July and Christmas were my two favorite holidays. Now I feel bad for my kids, my family, because I am soooooo sad. She said it was ok to be sad in July and December. She added that if I let myself be sad when I felt the need, it will help me be happier during other times. It has.

So find a way to celebrate, mourn, grieve, and/or remember. Whatever you and your family decide to do, it will be the right thing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Dia Minha]

Oh, I wanted to add: Let others know what they can do for you. If it is important for your best friends, husband, family etc. to know and remember dates or events with you, tell them and then let them know what they can do.

My mom has been amazing. December 6th 2007, Levi's official due date, she drove all the way to Tooele from Salt Lake to bring me a small statue of Heavenly Father's hand holding a very tiny baby with the message "God's Greatest Gift, Levi Matthew" on it. Then this last July she brought me a cake with a blue butterfly on it for the anniversary of his birth/death. It meant so much to me that she remembered his birth/death date. No one else, but my husband did. Or even if they did, they didn't do or say anything. However, I didn't tell anyone that it was important to me. How was anyone supposed to know how much a card, email or phone call would have meant if I hadn't told them. I can't expect them to read my mind, nor remember so many dates. I know that if I had let others know how important it was to me, they would have been happy to celebrate and mourn with me. I hope that makes sense.

[5ft Diva]

I have not had time to read through the other posts so forgive me if my response repeats what has been said here.

First of all, LG, "BRAVO!" for starting a thread!!!!! It's so good to hear from you again.

Second of all, thank you for sharing the thoughts you have about your upcoming birthday this year. It's helpful to me to know that a festive celebration would be hard on you this year.

I haven't lost someone as close to me, but I would guess that what you're experiencing is normal. I also remember that you're close to this brother so this makes it especially hard to endure. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

February wasn't that long ago. My only thought is give yourself some time which is what I think you're doing. I don't judge you for how you feel or how you're approaching this. Everyone copes differently. The only thing that keeps coming to me after reading your comments is to "mourn w/ those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." I hope comfort is what you have received through this difficult time in your life.

When I went through an experience slightly similar to yours I remember a friend of mine that would let me talk to her for hours (even when she didn't have time). I needed to process what had happened and figure out how all the puzzle pieces that were now lying in my lap pieced together and her ability to listen enabled me to do that.

HTH

[Laundrygirl]

HI 5 Foot Diva,

It's so nice to be in the game again, I've been feeling quite busy lately and didn't think I had time to read the posts and reply, but it feels so good to get out and do something that I've wanted to do for a while, thanks for your input, I got an idea from Dia yesterday, so my kids and I and Scott are going to let balloons go tomorrow with little messages written in them, I think this will give me a piece of mind knowing that I did remember him in a happy way. I wanted to let you know that you are looking like a "hottie", you have lost weight and with the new clothes, boy your looking quite nice. I'm waiting for my wonderful day when my new clothes will actually fit, just a few more months, yeah!! Anyway, again, thanks so much for listening, I really appreciate it. Laundrygirl

[5ft Diva]

Good luck w/ the balloons tomorrow. What a great way to celebrate your brother's life and preserve his memory. I hope you have a nice day tomorrow.

[runamyrun]

LG, I just wanted to let you know that I care about you and that I am sorry about what you are going through. You do whatever you need to do, to heal.

[Dia Minha]

LG, How did the balloons go today?

[Dia Minha]

And

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!

[natickgirl]

Happy Birthday!



It's probably a bittersweet day for you. The 1st Mother's Day after my Mom died was really difficult for me. (She died in April, just before Easter, many years ago). Thanksgiving was hard because her birthday is always right around Thanksgiving (Nov. 27) and it was also her favorite holiday. Christmas was tough, too. It does get easier with time. Easter & Mother's Day will always be bittersweet for me, but the extreme sadness & sorrow have lessened. I mostly just experience fleeting moments of melancholy for what might have been.

I'm glad you were able to do something to remember your brother.

[Laundrygirl]

Hello Everyone!!!
Thanks so much for your wonderful comments, and thanks for caring, we had a really wonderful day on Thursday, the balloons had lift off at 8:00 that morning, we watched them until they were little tiny pin drops, then instead of reading the scriptures, we read stories about Scottie from his funeral, all the people that were there read stories and we compiled them, we laughed about some of the things he did growing up, we noticed he like to play with matches and gasoline alot, then we made one of his favorite dishes for dinner, it just made me think this is a wonderful way of remembering him as I dedicated our day for him. We plan to do this new tradition every year for him. You guys are really wonderful, I just love you all. Laundrygirl

[Meticulous madness]

LG, I absolutely LOVED hearing about your special remembrance day for your brother. I bet that will start a great tradition in your home and will help with the healing part.

I am also very sorry I missed wishing you a happy birthday. DH and I have been on a few lengthy road trips the last few weeks, and I've felt out of sorts. I'll have to see if I can pull off my traditional artichoke delivery - a little bit late (better late than never, right?).