What would you do?

[natickgirl]

OK, I need your honest opinions & advice. At the risk of sounding incredibly immature, selfish & ungrateful, I will explain the scenario...

We are FINALLY!!! closing on a house. We've spent nearly a year living with my in-laws while we've looked for a house. Many many houses have fallen through, and we even lost our earnest money after pulling out of one that we knew wasn't right. We are so excited at the idea of being back in our own space!!! Unfortunately, we can't move in for about a month due to repairs needed in our rental house & DH's upcoming knee surgery.

Most of you know that living w/in-laws has been quite a challenge for us. Things have actually worsened with my MIL and her emotionally unstable & co-dependent friend. Neither one knows how to have personal boundaries, so the life of my children has been interrupted by their constant drama far too frequently. I'm to the point now where I'm so resentful of my MIL & her friend that I can hardly stand to be in the same room as them. DH and the rest of his family are, too. I won't go into details, but trust me when I say these two women need a lot of help that only a professional can give them.

The house we've purchased just happens to be in my in-law's ward. We almost didn't buy it because of that. My MIL has already shared more information about my family than I am comfortable with (she is a big gossip). My in-laws are such unusual people that we'd be stigmatized the moment we started attending the ward. My kids have been through enough drama already, and they are looking forward to being away from grandma & grandpa. We are ready to make a clean break!

Because of geography (streets & hills), the ward is split & there are very few children on our side of the ward. In one direction, we are two houses away from the next ward's boundaries, and in another direction we are about 5 houses away. We are considering attending the other ward, which has more children in the area & also meets in an entirely different building.

Normally, we are not ones to rock the boat, especially when it comes to church protocol. But, the thought of attending church, Relief Society functions, ward parties, service projects, etc. with a relative I genuinely can't stand & her constant-shadow-friend just makes my stomach churn. (It was difficult enough to sit in church & listen to our lying, non-rent-paying, house-trashing tenants make comments in R.S. I'm still trying to forgive.) I must not be Christian enough to overlook their problems...I can do it with strangers, but not when it so personally and negatively impacts my family.

SO: What would you do in my situation? Would you stay in the ward or try to attend the other ward? We know we will most likely offend my in-laws by not attending their ward, but we feel it would be best for our family. We want to be free to serve & worship each week without dealing with negative feelings they invoke in us. (Side note: Reasoning with them is not an option. DH & his siblings have been trying to "help" his parents for years, with no success. His siblings all say they wouldn't want to be in the same ward as their parents, either, and that MIL has repeatedly chosen her friend over her family, anyway.)

[bookworm]

Before I begin, please forgive me if I sound preachy here-- this is just what I've learned and observed and what advice I can offer. Please don't think I think I have it all figured out. I know I don't!!

Oh, my friend, I feel for you. I'm so sorry this is the situation! Here are the things that came to mind as I read your post.

First and foremost, I would not have even considered houses in the in-law's ward's boundaries, so you must have been truly inspired to even shop in the area!

I have a split opinion about attending the other ward. On the one hand I think people should attend their home wards regardless. The Lord is watching over things, even when it doesn't feel like it. On the other hand, if you can get the church to approve it, maybe attending the other ward wouldn't be a bad thing, and who knows? Maybe after a year or so the ward boundaries would change in your favor anyway!

One other point, NG, is that (if you decide to attend the home ward) the in-law's ward will most likely "consider the source" of the gossip and garbage that comes from your MIL, and most of the members won't judge you according to her actions/lifestyle/words, etc. Once people get to know you, they'll like you and you will stand on your own, you won't be seen as an extension of her.

A couple of other points... it sounds like you and DH's sibs really want to change her. That isn't going to happen. The only person you, NG have power to change is YOU. IMHO, the way to peace with this relationship is 1. space, which you will have as soon as you move out, 2. charity, forgiving her for her faults and bad deeds and 3. distance emotionally. You care so much, but SHE doesn't! She isn't considering how what she's doing hurts her family! You have the right and the power to pull away and let her be who she is. You are really hurting yourself with all this pent-up frustration and anger, with wishing you could change her. You don't need to confront her or try to change her, NG, and you have to stop wishing you could! She is nuts, no doubt! She may be toxic, in which case, get the heck out of there, keep the family gatherings to a minimum, and maybe you and DH need to have a long, well thought out heart-to-heart with the bishop.

You wrote this: "We want to be free to serve & worship each week without dealing with negative feelings they invoke in us." Here is the hardest truth of all, especially where MILs or other bad moms are concerned. They can't MAKE you feel anything. Nothing. You choose to be disgusted, annoyed, discouraged, sad, angry, etc. I know exactly how you feel, though. I have had to put TONS of distance between myself and my toxic mother, and I still freak out when I do hear from her. Knee-jerk emotional reactions don't help ME be healthy, though. And it isn't good for you or your family. Re-focus on your hubby, taking care of him, and loving him and raising your cute kids. Hallelujah you're almost free!

Can I come help you move sooner? DH would be better off recuperating at home in a new home than there with her, wouldn't he? I can bring at least one strong 15-year old to help...

The obvious answer is pray about it. Pray to know what the Lord wants you to do, since He led you to that house. Does He want you to have more charity for the in-laws and stick it out in the home ward, or does He want you to attend the other ward? I am really sorry for how miserable this year has been for you. Life is SO hard sometimes.

Also, I really DO understand. Sometimes things my MIL does make me want to shake her! I'm living with the consequences of her poor mothering and it's not fun! I'm disgusted by things she does still with her grown kids-- it's insane! But I have to set it aside, try to recognize it's between her and God and let go. If I don't forgive her, I'm focusing on the negative with my DH, and then our marriage suffers. I really don't want that.

[5ft Diva]

This is a call for another get together. I can't even begin to explain to you via BnS what I'm feeling about what you've written. Let me give this some thought and see if I can put into words what I'm feeling and get back to you. ....and I am serious about the get together!

[natickgirl]

BW - Thank you! I'm processing what you've said. I should let you know that, at DH's request, I contacted the bishop of the other ward & explained the situation. He said it would be the stake president's decision, and asked what we'd do if the answer was no. I said we'd deal with it --we'd be OK.

I have realized since I posted this that I can tolerate MIL and even be nice, friendly & civil...it's the toxicity & drama of her friend and her friendship that affects me so much (oops, I mean that I let get to me) mostly because it brings out the worst in MIL and affects my family. Things are a little better right now because I finally said something to her friend after another incident of her overstepping her bounds, and the friend is staying away from here. I think MIL finally understands why we've had such a difficult time "accepting" her friend, and the influence her co-dependent frienship has had on her entire family.

5ft - I'm very intrigued by your response...wondering if you're sympathizing or getting ready to give me a tongue lashing. I very much want to get together again! BW & I have been trying to plan something for months. I have to stay close to home for the next few weeks as DH recovers from surgery. After that, anytime is good.

[bookworm]

You're welcome and yes, I want to get together too. I have two more weeks of summer school (working mornings), and then I'll be free for a while!

I was serious about helping move you, though. I can work THAT out-- it might be a long time before DH is ready to help you with that. I hope his surgery goes (went??) well. My DH's surgery and recuperation were HE**... seriously. Let me know how things go.

[Erudite]

Tough question, NG. But haven't you been attending their ward for the past year? Surely by now the question of how you'll be treated has been dealt with?

What an astonishing trial this is. What can the Lord be thinking that you'll gain from it? I'm not saying the trial came from God, but that all situations have some eternal gain in them. Is there something you'll be able to build in yourself as a result of going through it?

I ask because for many years, I had a hard time with my in-laws. Then they went on a mission. What a RELIEF!! It was SOOO easy to "honor" them while they were in Brazil, not impacting my life. I really felt like I came to love them and everything would be wonderful when they came home. For that reason, I'd say go to another ward. Some distance would be a wonderful thing.

But they're still there...they're still his parents. And when they came home, it was the same old, same old, and I suddenly remembered why life had seemed so peaceful while they were away. But soon after they came home a church lesson which mentioned "honor thy father and mother" was given and I realized I wasn't. They're my parents too now and they're always going to be there, and I had to learn to love and get along with them. I don't think I would choose to be in their ward, but I do think that for the most part, I get along well with them. (Of course you have to realize that's because it's June and I've forgotten the irritations of Christmas planning. Ugh.) For me to get along with them was both asserting my right to be heard and attempting to listen better and meet some of their needs too.

It probably doesn't help much, since I don't have to live with them, but I hope it helps a little. It sounds like you've already gotten some things under control anyway. I hope you can move soon!

[natickgirl]

Erudite: I didn't clarify that we have not attended my in-laws ward even once since we've returned. We thought it would be temporary (2 months or so) and we didn't want the kids to set down roots & then be ripped up again since they've already been through a lot. We have been attending the ward we were in before we moved back. It has been good for our children, especially our son, to feel a sense of continuity when everything else was chaos.

We will be starting "fresh" in whichever ward we attend. Things have become a little complicated, though, because MIL has been telling everyone we're moving in & coming to her ward. She keeps asking when we're going to start attending. Today, she came home from church & said the bishop had mentioned something (to the whole ward, I think) about us moving in. I'm not too happy about that! I really wish she'd let us take care of our own lives & stop butting in. I'm sure the thought hasn't even crossed her mind that we are less than happy about being in her ward. We haven't heard back from the stake president yet, but if we get approval to attend the other ward it's going to be really awkward.

DH & I both feel very strongly that this home is where our family is supposed to be right now. We could have been moved in to several other homes by now, including one brand new beautiful home that was available to move into before Christmas, but we never had the peace we feel about this home. Maybe I DO need to learn to honor my FIL & MIL...but it is much easier to do so at a distance when they're not always up in my business!

[Erudite]

I'm so glad to hear of the peace you're feeling. Isn't it so awesome when you KNOW you're doing the right thing!! I remember hanging on to that feeling when we were building in Tooele and so many of our relatives were like...TOOELE?? But it was the right thing for us at the time. Rest in that peaceful place, NG!!

And as BW said, you can have the same peace about what to do about the Ward. Heavenly Father KNEW it would come up and He has a plan. You just need to decide what to do and pray to know if it's right. Review D&C 9:7-9 as needed! I hope it all goes well for you!

[5ft Diva]

What I was going to say was I can understand your concern. When I was growing up my mom had a very unstable friend. I could see she was manipulative and controlling, but my mom only saw her as a devoted, best friend. (I guess I could see this woman for what she was because the choices she made directly affected me and how my mom treated me.) Anyway, my advice is that when you make this choice make sure that you aren't making it out of fear or disgust or any other strong feeling you may be having. As Elder Scott says in his talk from the Oct. 09 Conference entitled To Acquire Spiritual Guidance -

The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion, fear, or pride. When such influences are present, it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalapeño pepper. Both flavors are present, but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner, strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Good luck!

[Meticulous madness]

NG - CONGRATS! That probably feels so good to have a light at the end of the tunnel.

It will certainly be very interesting to see what the "ward" decision will be. I hope there's definite peace for you and your family either way. It sounds like you're being guided, and I'm sure there are many things tied to that guidance, which aren't immediately apparent. Funny how that happens so often.

I would love to get together again soon, too. The park, the pool, or just letting the kids play while we chat and laugh. Im sure we could even all just meet at a half way spot. :-) Tooele is great, though, if you wanted to bust out of there and make a day of it.

Please let us know.

[natickgirl]

Update:

I got a call back from the other ward's bishop. He said he'd spoken with the Stake President and they both feel we should "give the [home] ward a chance for 6 months and see how we're doing then." Obviously, we're not going to switch after being there for 6 months...that would be really bad! Basically, the answer is no, but they don't want to just say no. I hope their decision was based on prayer & consideration, and not just protocol & convenience.

I'm a little disappointed, but not surprised. I went to a ward bbq tonight and introduced myself to several people--I figured I may as well jump in with both feet. I tried to do it independently rather than have MIL introduce me. I'm sure I will make friends and find my niche, but shaking MIL & her shadow friend will be difficult. My FIL left them there, assuming I'd give them a ride home. Most parents understand that their adult kids need space to be individuals, but MIL only knows how to smother. She also says some really inappropriate & embarrassing things. I only hope people will get to know ME for ME, and not as MIL's daughter in law (or worse, her daughter)!

Judging from people's reactions, they understand that being with MIL has been very difficult for us. I will do my best to make it work, but I'm really hoping I'll be called into YW or Primary so I don't have to deal with attending R.S. with MIL & shadow friend just yet! (Plus, that way I'll get to know the kids in the ward, which always helps in getting to know the moms.)

[bookworm]

It sounds like you are accepting the situation, and that's good. You'll have more peace if you set aside your frustration with things you can't change. And, really, moving out will have a HUGE impact on how you feel about MIL and her friend. You will probably get that calling in Primary or elsewhere and you'll make your own friends in the ward and things will settle in. Good luck!

[natickgirl]

BW--Thanks for the support! These next few weeks will get worse before they get better, but at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. (DH's sister & her family--6 boys--will be here next week & we won't be moved out by then. There will be 15 people staying here!) I'm really hoping MIL's shadow friend will stay away this time...it was really bad when her drama overshadowed Thanksgiving the last time DH's sister's family was in town!

I introduced myself to the new scoutmaster. He seems like a really great guy. They haven't had scout camp yet, so DS will get to go with them & get to know the troop. I really hope the scoutmaster can disassociate me from MIL...when MIL saw me talking to him, she came over and said, "Tell her how many kids you have." He has 8 or 9 kids, all girls except two. MIL then said, "I'm surprised your wife isn't pregnant again." Awkward! She has no sense of tact, and she's missing the mind-your-own business gene.

[5ft Diva]

NG, because I've met you I can tell you right NOW from the example that you just gave us that people won't be lumping you in w/ your MIL and it won't take long to figure out you're not like her if they do do that before meeting you! I wouldn't worry about it. Having said that - is there a reason you're so concerned about it? Has anything happened that would make you think the ward members would be judgmental of you before meeting you?

[natickgirl]

Yes, Diva. MIL has made comments that her Visiting Teacher thinks I'm rude because I leave whenever she comes. It's difficult to explain, but from the way she said it, and knowing her predisposition for gossip & all things negative, I could tell she'd been complaining about me...and not just to her VT. I explained to MIL that I have my own VT, and that I think she should be allowed time to visit with her VT without me. I've never been rude to her VT, it's just that most of the time I really am just leaving when she arrives. I reminded MIL that I stayed & visited the first month, and had a pleasant conversation with her VT.

The main issue, aside from being downright embarrassed to be related to my in-laws, is that it is difficult enough being the new person in the ward without the stigma of "you're so-and-so's daughter" or "you live in the -fill in the last name- house." By nature, I am shy and extremely private. (You wouldn't know that, would you?) Getting to know people, especially an entirely new set of people, takes a lot of energy and a lot of putting myself out there--which is risky. I want the freedom to get to know ward members on my own terms, and not how my socially inept MIL thinks I should!

[5ft Diva]

I want the freedom to get to know ward members on my own terms, and not how my socially inept MIL thinks I should!

LOL! I shouldn't laugh, but I am because I can sooooo feel your pain! Wouldn't it be nice to have a mute button for those dreaded moments we anticipate and can't prevent from happening. I wish you all the best!!

[natickgirl]

Update: Went to the new ward today. Fortunately, MIL didn't say anything too embarrassing. In fact, she started trying to help me a few times, but got sidetracked by drama with shadow-friend, both at church and afterwards (she has spent the day here...it's nearly 11pm and she's still here) and wasn't helpful at all. I went to Sunday School alone, which was OK because I'm a big girl and can handle a new ward all by myself. 8-) I went to RS alone, too, but then MIL came & sat by me...then shadow-friend came & sat by her. (Gotta find a place next to someone else next week.) I keep telling myself I CAN DO THIS!

[5ft Diva]

Well, at least you got that first Sunday under your belt! The anticipation alone for something like that would create a lot of stress in me. And it does sound like things went pretty well - other than MIL being at your home til after 11:00pm - I guess you know which boundaries to start setting first! (Actually, you probably already knew where the challenges would be before moving in so I'm guessing her staying so late wasn't a surprise.)

I think it would be hard to have a MIL like the one you've described. I think we would all agree that if we had problems with our own mothers or sisters we would just tell them exactly what we thought and you know the rest of the story. This being your MIL is totally different. It's more like (at least for me), "How many future family events will be affected if I choose to be completely honest and put me and my family's needs first?" Because they're family - yet not - saying and doing what we feel is often times a bit more tricky.

If you haven't already - make sure your R.S. president knows how you feel so that she's prayerful and, more importantly, sensitive to the VT assignments that you and your MIL receive. Best wishes!

[natickgirl]

We haven't moved into our new home yet, so we're still at MIL's, and it was her friend that was here until after 11 pm. Unfortunately, that was no surprise. We finally unloaded the POD storage unit, and once the painting & carpet are in we can move in, probably in two weeks. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

I like your idea of talking to the RS pres...she seems very nice, and seems to understand a little of what life living with MIL has been like for us. I'm sure she'll also understand my need for a little distance!

Thanks for your support. I feel like I'm just whining & complaining, and maybe I am, but these feelings & issues have been very difficult for me.