"Expecting the Worst"...Defense

[Mamallama]

The way I have defended myself from disappointment a good majority of my life is to just “expect the worst” and then if the worst happens, I’m not disappointed. On the flip side, if anything better than the worst happens, I’m grateful and feel good.

The past few years I’ve been trying to “overcome” this negative thinking. I’ve been trying to” think positive” to help generate more positive in my life…we’ve had past discussions on here about this….

I am finding myself being disappointed over and over again…and am feeling like this “power of positive thinking” is not working for me. I’m finding myself wanting to slip back into “Expecting the Worst” to protect myself from so much disappointment.

What am I doing wrong? I keep trying to count my blessings and stay positive….but then another fireball gets thrown at me, and another and another…and I desperately think I need to resort to putting on the "armor of expecting the worst." Is this awful of me?

Do any of you have any thoughts on this…..how to stay positive……or is it okay for me to go back to the mode of ‘expect the worst’ to protect myself.

I’d love to hear what you think!

[Big_Sissy]

Wow, first one to reply -- first off, I miss you and your family. It's just not the same with all of you gone.

I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing this.

Now the rest of what I have to say may or may not relate, but it's how I try to deal with stuff, and as usual, this is a man's perspective -- So as my tag line says "feel free to ignore me"

I think being positive is a great goal, but sometimes, stuff just sucks. Just ask this guy -->

For me, I just have to make sure and not let the "suck" stay inside and eat me up. The word Diva uses is Purge (letting go of the suck or at least airing the suck), and I think it's fitting.

I also don't believe that the power of positive thinking is all it's cracked up to be. Is it still good? Yes, but I've decided for myself that whats more important than being positive, is being real. What I mean by that is to take a crappy situation, realize, hey this really blows!!! But it's not the end of the world. Life will still go on -- with or without me, and by golly, so will I.

Something I tell myself when the going gets rough is: This too shall come to pass... Not to stay. For some odd reason that helps me. I guess it helps give me that little bit of hope I need to make it through whatever I'm experiencing.

For me I have discovered that I need to feel. I need to feel the pain, the anger, or whatever it is I'm feeling and experience it fully. I have to let the feelings process or they will haunt me. Then once I'm done, I can get to the "real" part, which is where I have to take ownership for what is rightfully mine -- and do my best to change so I don't do it again -- and then allow others to own what's theirs.

I'm not sure why I just shared that, but I just had to tell what I've learned for myself about being positive since you mentioned it.

[5ft Diva]

I completely understand where you are at, because I've been there myself.

Not understanding completely the situation it's difficult for me to say whether putting on that defense is going to benefit you in the long run, but what I can say, based on my own experiences, is that if that's how you feel you should listen to yourself. Pay attention to the whistles and bells that are going off inside you. It sounds to me like you already have your answer and now you just need to figure out what your armor is. AND YES THAT'S OK!

Their is a difference between shutting people out and preventing hurtful and damaging experiences, and from what I'm reading you are only trying to take preventative measure, which translates into taking care of yourself.

And if this wasn't helpful (even if it was), go down to the nearest store and buy a BIG bag of chocolate and put it on my tab.

[Mamallama]

Thanks Big Sissy for sharing your thoughts and for your understanding. It really helps. I love what you said about reminding yourself that “this too shall pass”. Also it really struck me how you said you allow yourself to feel…that it’s okay to allow yourself time to really FEEL these feelings, but to just not allow the negative to take over you. I love term you and 5D use: to purge the negative. Wow, it's a very freeing thought to be able to allow myself to really FEEL....

Thanks 5D for your thoughts too and for telling me my feelings are okay. I think sometimes I just need someone to tell me that I’m okay. And I will take you up on the bag of chocolate…..will be expecting it in the mail in a few days…. JK…

This morning after reading your thoughts and thinking over what I’ve been feeling, I’ve come to the conclusion that what I need to do is change the phrase a little bit to: it’s okay for me to “Prepare myself for the Worst” while still hoping for the best….or hoping for good things. (changing the word Expecting)
Being prepared for ‘worst case scenarios’ allows me to have an armor of protection on, while still inviting the positive to come. Fireballs are going to come regardless of what I do and how I prepare----it’s good for me to remember that this life is a test of how I handle the fireballs, and how I hold up when my ‘life is on fire’…and it’s good for me to prepare for those potential fireballs to a certain extent, especially for my emotional and spiritual well being---- Isn’t there a scripture that says, “If ye are prepared, ye have no fear” or something like that… I need to go look that up.

Anyway thanks so much for sharing your thoughts---it helps me so much to sort out my feelings. I really miss you guys too!

[Big_Sissy]

I think you are on the right track, and I'm glad we could help. I really think after reading what Diva and you wrote that you are right. their is NOTHING wrong with being prepared for possible let downs. I know if I'm a little prepared I don't get blind sided (blind sided hurts a lot more) and I can deal with it better and easier.

So as you said: “Prepare myself for the Worst” while still hoping for the best….or hoping for good things.

That to me makes a lot of good solid sense.

About the feelings part -- I just wanted to add that if I don't allow myself to feel the feeling I'm having I can never get to the positive part. I get stuck there and until I process everything I can not progress. This is relatively new to me. Probably in the last year have I realized this and it has helped me a lot.

[Mamallama]

Well I'm so glad that you shared that part about feeling. I tend to get caught up in thinking that I "shouldn't" feel this way...It's so good to know that it's okay to have certain feelings, especially when something bad or frustrating happens....allow myself to feel...and then I can let it go....I love that thought. Reminds me of the scripture ...a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to mourn, a time to dance.....my poor scripture quoting again ..... but I think this scripture is telling us just what you are saying BS...that it is okay to FEEL....

I'm rambling...but anyway thanks again!!

[Big_Sissy]

No problem. Glad to help.

[runamyrun]

This has been a good thread to read. Mamallama, I think it is great that you changed the wording to "prepare". I am the same way. I don't think of it as being negative. I am a planner by nature. I feel like thinking of all the possibilities helps me cope with what happens. I don't expect something bad to happen, I just think about the possibility and how I would handle it.

Also, I was thinking about the part BS wrote about feeling things. When I am struggling with something, sometimes I feel like I should think about how many people have it worse than me. Honestly, that way of thinking doesn't help me. I end up feeling guilty about the fact that I was struggling in the first place. A couple of years ago I came to the realization that we all have struggles and you can always find someone who has it worse off than you, but that doesn't mean that you can't FEEL it. It doesn't make you a bad person to realize you are struggling with something. When I came to that realization, the guilt was gone, I was able to FEEL, and then move on.

And to reiterate BS, WE MISS YOU!

[5ft Diva]

My comment may be a day late and a dollar short but for what it's worth..... I was just taking out the garbage and running this weekend through my mind and realized it went 100% better than I had originally perceived and found myself asking what I was so worked up about. My mind was instantly reminded of the chain of events that happened last week after I posted my "needing to vent" thread. My way of "preparing for the worst" was done by sharing my fears. Then all of my lovely BnS friends graciously validated my feelings and also helped me see the situation as it really was AND gave me some great suggestions for what I could do if the worst actually ended up happening. I was all of a sudden in control of my own world again. I wasn't at the mercy of the "what ifs". ML, reviewing the experience helped me realize that you and I have been going through the same thing and it sounds like we're going about the solution part the same way, too. Seeing how my situation turned out favorably I am hoping that yours would as well. I think you pegged it, ML, when you said that it's about preparation because that is exactly what happened. I (with the help of others) prepared myself to handle a potentially bad situation (for me) and because I had I was able to enjoy my weekend rather than waiting for that ever alluring "What-If" moment to appear. Anyway, my point is that I feel like you have a theory and I have already tested it and found out that it works. Anyway, like I said, for what it's worth......