Having it all together

[Erudite]

It's funny that this is the quote on the portal page right now, because I've been pondering something very near it lately and I wonder if you all have some thoughts about it. Here's the quote:

When you where a child, you were subtly made to feel guilty and unworthy as a way to limit and control you. It is not that your parents set out to do that. It was probably what they had learned from their parents and they were simply passing on to you what they had learned. It is passed down from generation to generation until some one protests enough to wake themselves up. To overcome these feelings of guilt and unworthiness, you must bring them into the full light of consciousness. Every time that guilt arises, just be aware of it. Witness it. Express it. But do not believe in it. It is not the truth.
- The Daily Guru

Now there's a "thought" path (as in one thought leads to another) that brought me to my main question, but let me ask the main question first: Why do we beat ourselves up over not reaching some self imposed hurdle of "having it all together"?

Why don't we give ourselves more credit for the things we do right? Why do we hear from others that we are doing things wrong and believe that? We can overcome; we can become; we can change but in the meantime our best IS acceptable. Why do we let the imposed guilt and unworthiness get to us? What does "having it all together" mean anyway? Is there a definition that would help us all to realize we're doing ok!?

I wish to understand how to validate and give credit for all the things we women do right, so that I can build up those around me and so that we can all grow together. We are strong, wonderful women. Why does the lie get us so much? Is there something that can be said or done to counteract those feelings of worthlessness that we all fall prey to? Help me, sisters!

[runamyrun]

You know, the first thought that comes to me is Satan. He is putting those thoughts in our heads, wanting us to fail. He doesn't want us to keep being nurturers, taking care of our families, and everything we do. Just think of how powerful, and how much good influence we can have if we don't listen to him! Sometimes I start comparing areas I am weak in, with women who excel in that area. I just have to remind myself that Satan is fighting against me, and I can't let him win.

[Mamallama]

Great thought RAR. So true! I constantly need to remind myself of this when those negative thoughts creep in.

I've been thinking a lot of this quote as well ER. It's amazing the negative baggage we carry around.

I have been pondering over what has helped me overcome a lot of my negative feelings about myself and have concluded that it in part, it has been through seeking to find answers to the following questions:

Am I truly an important part in Heavenly Father’s plan? Am I truly an important member of His family? Are there things that only I can do and people whom only I can reach with my specific gifts, talents, AND weaknesses and ‘quirks’ Heavenly Father has GIVEN to me? And Do I truly believe in Christ’s atonement for ME?

The answers have come to me in pieces through my experiences of life and continue to come. I think each person has to be led to the answers in their own personal way to really feel it in one's heart.

I’ve come to the deep realization that I am an important part of Heavenly Father’s plan and each and every person on this earth is an important part of His plan. This realization has turned my whole way of living and thinking about myself around.

Knowing that Heavenly Father truly has specific things for me to do here on this earth, that only I can do, specific ways that I need to reach out to people with my specific personality, makes me realize that I am an important member of His family and so are each one of you. This knowledge has given me and continues to give me such hope and such love and acceptance of myself, I cannot even put it all into words.

There is a REASON behind everything about me, and everything about each of you. And somehow, in realizing this, I have come to love and accept MYSELF and my shortcomings.

AND the funny thing is, As I have come to learn to love myself and accept myself---shortcomings and all, my desire and ability to improve myself has increased TENFOLD. The beating up of myself has stopped. In the past, I was my WORST enemy----Believe me, I was the best at beating myself up.

Right now where I am at-----a wife and mother , 43 years old living here in Tooele, and trying to follow Jesus -----I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I am so at peace.

Am I perfect??? Not even anywhere close. I have many and plenty of weaknesses I continually need to work on, plenty of mistakes I continue to make, but I am working on them, and desire to overcome, and am so grateful that the Savior has provided a way for me to repent as I make mistakes, so that I can continue to live, learn, and grow.

I love the scripture in Ether 7:12:
“I GIVE unto man weakness, that they may become humble….” I have always thought of GIFTS from God as being things like: Strengths, Talents and Happy Blessings----Isn’t it interesting that He GIVES us our weaknesses??? If He has given me my weaknesses, then WHY should I be mad at myself , think bad of myself, or even hate myself because I have this weakness???? The LORD gave weakness to me, to use as a tool to ultimately become closer to HIM.

Hope this might help in some way, as it does for me.

[Erudite]

I feel the same way you do, ML. Exactly! But I know that there are so many out there struggling with their place the the grand scheme of things and I ache to help them come to this place and see things from this perspective. I want to share so much that I think sometimes I come off as critical of their current position. I guess in my way, I am actually critical, because it seems to me that just a few steps more would get them to the top of the hill, you know? So "take the steps"...is my thinking, "because the view from down there is just not as good as the view from up here." But it seems like everyone has a problem with being told that kind of thing....they get content with the view they have...and feel criticized by the suggestion that the view is better after a little more effort and going a little higher. So in my effort to help...I only hurt.

I've gotten to the point where I find it difficult to even describe the view. Honestly, it makes me feel a little selfish at times, but I've had so many bad experiences with attempting to tell anyone about a better spot that I've started keeping my view to myself. Does that make sense? I feel like no matter what I say, it comes out wrong.

[Erudite]

I had another thought on the whole "having it all together" thing. 5D was telling me last week about "producers" and "consumers". Producers make things happen in life, they get in and go to work when something needs to be done. Consumers let them, complain about and are generally content with the state of things...at least thats what I remember...5D, correct where I'm wrong.

Anyway, it occurred to me that if we in fact DID get it all together, we'd cease to be a producer. The effort to get things going and keep them going as we learn and grow and become is part of being a producer. It is part of the process. It is when we stop that and don't try to move forward that we become a consumer. So in reality, a better definition of having it all together is TRYING to have it all together IS having it all together. And in that, when we are TRYING...we do have it all together. Cut ourselves some slack is what I say and don't worry to much that it's not all together, because we're trying! How does that sound for a definition?

[Mamallama]

I think I may have mentioned this in another thread but your thoughts of consumers and producers for some reason remind me of what my niece said after doing an IronMan Triathlon…..”It’s the training that makes you an Ironman not the actual race . The race is just one last day of training”…I found this statement to be quite profound as I think it totally relates to our lives----and what you are saying here…. It’s the daily TRYING to reach perfection that will ultimately make us perfect….when we fall, get up and try again…and again and again….just don’t give up TRYING….eventually we’ll get it right, and then it’ll be time for another hurdle to tackle…..

After this life, I imagine we will still be learning new things and progressing----perhaps perfection isn’t a certain point, but is the continual motion of trying and striving to learn----if an “Ironman” stops training after that last race---he loses the ability to be an Ironman...it's the motion of continual training that keeps him an Ironman---
Perhaps perfection isn’t something we reach, but in similar fashion to being an Ironman, maybe perfection could be something we are, only if we are continually training/trying……I can’t expain it very well….but it’s sort of like this thought that’s formulating in my head with the answer at the tip of my tongue, but I can’t quite get it exactly right-------???

Thanks for listening to my ramblings!

[5ft Diva]

No, ML, it makes perfect sense and I appreciate your thoughts. I've been trying to figure out how to say what's been going through my mind since I first laid eyes on this thread. My comments may be a bit scattered and chaotic; at this moment they serve no real purpose, and possibly, have no place here on this thread, but these are my thoughts, nonetheless, so here I go.

My first thought is due to a common theme I keep hearing from everybody who comments on this thread. It is that: it's not the performance (what everybody else can see) that matters, but what matters is the degree to which we put forth our efforts to accomplish what we have set out to do.

The second thought is something that just keeps running through my head and so I'm working it out on "paper". We'll see where it takes us. My thought is, that assistance, and possibly acceptance, comes to a struggling Sister in focusing on her efforts rather than her results. Rather than giving credit for what she possesses or has accomplished beautifully in life, focus on the process and applications she chose to use that led her to this accomplishment, for the process is a detection of her character. Focus on what the Lord sees rather than what everybody else sees. This is not to say there isn't a place for results, there most certainly is, but, isn't it true that there are times, as women, we tend to focus on results being the determining factor of how we are doing in life? We allow results to determine whether or not we "have it all together". We tend to gauge ourselves based off of what we see physically. No one can see integrity, it is felt, it is experienced. No one can see the degree of compassion you may have for another person, it is only felt. No one can see or even detect the degree to which you overcome opposition in your life. That, too, is only seen through spiritual eyes.

Our homes, jobs, bodies, circumstances in life, etc., have little to do w/ our character or identities as daughters of a loving Heavenly Father, they are simply tools/gifts we are given in this life to perform duties we once agreed to long before our mortal existence. That is why, if you are to buoy a struggling sister up, I believe, it is imperative you look upon her heart and detect her character and identity as a Daughter of God rather than what she accomplishes as a Daughter of God. If you want to help her feel she has it all together, focus on how her character, not appearance and/or accomplishments, creates wholeness.

[Meticulous madness]

Thanks! All of you.

Such great and wonderful thoughts and ramblings. They all make PERFECT sense, and were just what I (personally) needed to hear/read.

You guys are just awesome!

[Erudite]

Originally Posted by Mamallama

Perhaps perfection isn’t something we reach, but in similar fashion to training for an Ironman competition, maybe perfection could be something we are, ONLY IF we are continually training/trying

There is

HOPE

FREEDOM

PEACE
in those words.

That is completely amazing and profound, ML. I LOVE that definition. It gives such possibility and opportunity to us, without putting too much pressure on us. I think Mosiah 4:27 goes with this too, because too often attempts at perfection are just too overwhelming, but line upon line, not running faster than we're able, BUT TRYING we begin to live in perfection because our efforts are validated by our efforts...if that makes sense...

Thank you so much for sharing this!!

[Erudite]

Originally Posted by 5ft Diva

It's not the performance (what everybody else can see) that matters, but what matters is the degree to which we put forth our efforts to accomplish what we have set out to do.

Wow. That is amazingly profound too. It's something I know for me, in my own heart, but I see that I can be better at seeing it in everyone else too. I think of the number of times I've commented in church about changing our hearts because I know my own heart has changed, but it never really dawned on me that no one can see the change in anyone else until there is a result. But the change does go on. I guess my attempt to encourage people to take a few steps more is really hard for them if they're already taking steps that I'm not seeing. I'm kinda dense that way, you know? Thanks 5D for these great thoughts!!

Originally Posted by 5ft Diva

My thought is that assistance, and possibly acceptance, comes to a struggling Sister in focusing on her efforts rather than her results. Rather than giving credit for what she possesses or has accomplished beautifully in life, focus on the process and applications she chose to use that led her to this accomplishment, for the process is a detection of her character. Focus on what the Lord sees rather than what everybody else sees.

Again, this is such a great action to remember. Do you mind if I write it in to my stuff? It is very important!!

Originally Posted by 5ft Diva

This is not to say there isn't a place for results, there most certainly is, but, isn't it true that there are times, as women, we tend to focus on results being the determining factor of how we are doing in life? We allow results to determine whether or not we "have it all together". We tend to gauge ourselves based off of what we see physically. No one can see integrity, it is felt, it is experienced. No one can see the degree of compassion you may have for another person, it is only felt. No one can see or even detect the degree to which you overcome opposition in your life. That, too, is only seen through spiritual eyes.

Our homes, jobs, bodies, circumstances in life, etc., have little to do w/ our character or identities as daughters of a loving Heavenly Father, they are simply tools/gifts we are given in this life to perform duties we once agreed to long before our mortal existence. That is why, if you are to buoy a struggling sister up, I believe, it is imperative you look upon her heart and detect her character and identity as a Daughter of God rather than what she accomplishes as a Daughter of God. If you want to help her feel she has it all together, focus on how her character, not appearance and/or accomplishments, creates wholeness.

How very, very wise you are!!! Thank you so much for thinking this through with me. I have learned and been reminded of a tremendous lesson. I think I can do this. It is something that I have prayed for, but I don't think I've been specific enough, because I didn't realize the path that needs to be understood in order to receive the blessing that I've been praying for.

THANKS for being my friend!!

[5ft Diva]

Not at all, and anytime. (Let me know if you need clarification on this answer).

E, I love how you tie things together. It was fun to learn from you as well.

[Big_Sissy]

Holy cow! And I mean Holy cow!

What an amazing thread -- This is one I should read again and again, and yet again...

This reminds me of Chapter 4 from feelings Buried alive never die, where she states that the obstacles we face are perfect. Where we are is perfect, and where we are going is perfect -- perfect for me, and where I need to go, and what I need to learn.

I LOVED the quote about the ironman event. That was truely profound.

Wow...

[Erudite]

BS, post it on the quote board, will ya?

Perhaps perfection isn’t something we reach, but in similar fashion to training for an Ironman competition, maybe perfection could be something we are, ONLY IF we are continually training/trying.

[Big_Sissy]

No you do it.

Just click the "Submit button on your post and it will submit it. Then I'll approve it.

[Mamallama]

Thanks for the conversation, it really has gotten me thinking. It's great to try and figure these things out together and to fill in the blanks for one another. It's like we're putting a puzzle together here!!

I sure hope to meet you one day ER!

[Erudite]

I think I'm much better in writing than in person. I love the delete key so that I can edit my work and that we can take time to think things through before throwing them out there too. I'd love to meet you though too!

I just read through the "do I know you" thread and had to smile. I have a picture of you from the race stuff last April, so I at least have a face for the name though we've never spoken. And I know who many of the people on the forum are because I lived there, but it's been such a long time now that there are a lot of new ones who live there, but I've never met them. It's been interesting to get to know people in writing though, don't you think? In the "olden" days, they used to write all the time (you know...like letters between John and Abigail Adams). It had become a forgotten art, but through boards like this, it is becoming new again. Nothing new under the sun, huh?

[Mamallama]

I know what you mean ER. And I think I'm much better in writing than in person as well! Gotta love that delete key!! This is so much fun to be able to write on here and get to know all of you out there in this way. It is very uplifting and inspiring to have so much love and support coming through these boards. It's awesome!!

So, I was thinking we could have a BnS Get-Together, where we can all meet----with 10 or so computer terminals set-up, so we can look at each other while we type to communicate! Any volunteers to get this party started??

[Big_Sissy]

ha ha, we'll we've got 7 computers over here that we could use

I think we'd be just fine to actually talk face to face though, but don't expect me to call you by your real names

I think we're due for a Outdoor games date night again. That was a blast.

[5ft Diva]

I'm thinking August 17th. What do you guys think? It's the weekend before school starts.

[runamyrun]

That sounds fun!