Why do we have trouble asking?

[Erudite]

I was going to post this in 5D's "I'm reading to ask for help" thread, but it was long and specific, so I thought I'd start a new one.

I need help, but I don't like asking. Over the past month, I've gotten sicker and sicker. I'm still mobile and not contagious so I go to church and take care of the most essential things, but things like floor mopping and cooking...those aren't the most essential and they require me to move more than I have energy for. So I need to ask for help and I just...I just feel embarrassed doing it. Is it that whole self-sufficient thing? Why is it so hard to ask?

Part of it is that I HAVE asked. One dinner was brought and much appreciated, but there was no follow-up, so now I have to ask again. There's another sick sister in our ward that I know of who had dinners set up 3 days a week and a cleaning crew as well...and she didn't even want the help. She had family coming in a lot and didn't need the help. But she was down in bed (which I am about half the time)...do you have to be dying? Or is it that I always present a "I've got it under control" appearance just by showing up to church dressed and driving to the school and back to pick-up kids? That's about all I do.

Anyway, I'm not ready to ask for help and I'm embarrassed to accept it, but after a month I'm sick of campbell's soup and pizza. My kids are great about picking up and cleaning up when I'm watching them, but they can't mop the floor and they don't keep up with the house like I do...and when you're sick, you know how the house just falls apart and you eat the quickest thing available. So I need to ask for some help from those around me. My family is getting together to make me a bunch of freezer meals, so that should really help. Now...I just need the floor mopped and the carpets vaccumed and maybe someone to play with my pre-schooler....

Wo is me...huh? Mentally, I'm really ok. I'm an active person, so you'd think that being sick a month would have me going crazy with frustration, but I'm not. Like the movie "Groundhog Day" I've found silver linings ...that is things to be doing that need to be done while holding still. I have kept my mind occupied even when my body can not be. I'm not miserable by any means though my body hurts and is weak. So I'm doing ok, I just can't do it all.

[5ft Diva]

Great thoughts, E. I hope my thoughts aren't too jumbled on here and that you can follow where I'm headed.

First of all, why is it so hard to ask for help? Well, for me, it's that I have real fears when it comes to asking for help. They aren't anxieties, they are a real and sincere (and valid) fear of being rejected. Therefore, I too, have embarrassment issues when asking for help, but it usually comes after the asking has been done because my fears were manifested and the rejection itself was embarrassing therefore making it even harder to ask the next time. This leads me to ask you, when you feel embarrassed to ask - what exactly do you mean?

Next, I think that when you appear that you've got it together some people just don't get it. You can even verbalize that you are not doing very well and need help and because you still look fine to them, they don't feel compelled to help. This can be very frustrating. I don't think that this is what you're saying - it's what I'm saying. (You remember about the time I told you when I was at my lowest point about six years ago and called and asked someone for help and explained to them how bad I was doing and they just laughed it off because me not being well was simply something they could not or did not want to comprehend.) (I also have a thought about this that I'll share w/ you sometime when we're on the phone - remind me that it has to do w/ you needing to be strong.) E, you need to realize that you are a wonderfully sensitive person when it comes to assessing and acting upon the needs of others. I know you put extra effort into making them feel as comfortable as possible, but there are some people who just have a hard time doing things for others unless they are told exactly what to do. I can see your concerns, but maybe knowing your ability to help others the way you do is a gift that doesn't come as naturally to others will help shed some light on how to paint the whole picture for those who's help you are seeking. (I hope this makes sense.)

E, what I hear you saying is that you have needs right now that you are not able to fulfill and need someone else to come stand in your place until you have the strength to stand there yourself. There is nothing embarrassing about that. I think it's wonderful that your family is coming out to help you w/ freezer meals. It's awesome that they have been able to not only see a need, but are willing to do something about it w/o being asked. You are very blessed!

When is your family coming out? I can't come help you this week because BS is out of town again, but I'd love to come sometime so I'll give you a call.

Love ya!

P.S. I'm sure there was something I forgot to say so don't be surprised if you hear from me again.

[runamyrun]

Good for you for trying to ask for help. I have a problem with this too. I like to feel strong and independent and able to take care of my family on my own (with my husband, of course). I feel like if I were to ask for help, I would be showing that I am weak, which is silly! We all need help at different times in our lives.

I agree with Diva, that maybe the people around you don't see your need because they see you taking your children to school, etc. That doesn't mean you don't need help, though. A couple of years ago I was training for a marathon (I had just completed one, but wanted to do another a month later.). I ended up getting strep. I just thought I had a really bad cold, so I kept running. The rest of the day I spent in bed because I felt so awful. We also ate cereal for almost every meal. When I found out that I had strep, I stopped running (which meant I wouldn't be able to do the race--that was hard). A week later I heard about another person who had strep the same time as me, and people brought her meals. I remember feeling like nobody cared about me. Then I realized that if anyone saw me running, they would have no idea that I was sick.

One thought I had is that maybe you need to tell them exactly what you need. I know that I get busy and sometimes forget to check up on how people are doing. And sometimes I don't know how to help.

Good luck and I hope you feel better.

[bookworm]

Originally Posted by runamyrun

One thought I had is that maybe you need to tell them exactly what you need. I know that I get busy and sometimes forget to check up on how people are doing. And sometimes I don't know how to help.

Good luck and I hope you feel better.

I agree with Amy. Maybe you need to call your RS pres. and ask her to come over and visit with you and you could explain in more detail what is going on and what kind of help you feel you need. I hope you get feeling better too!

[5ft Diva]

It's unfortunate that you even have to call the RS pres. because this is what VT is all about and maybe your RS pres. can use this as a training tool to help them understand that.

[Erudite]

Good thoughts! I've already chatted with the RS Pres, but clearly, I'm going to have to do it again. At the time the docs thought it was one thing (that wasn't supposed to make me as sick as it has...I'm trying not to be bitter) and she has the same illness, but that has now been ruled out (after putting me on all kinds of drugs that didn't do any good and making me go to the hospital for an expensive procedure for a disease that I had exactly ONE symptom for...I just learned that today...yeah, not too bright).

Anyway, I would guess she took her own experience and figured I'd be fine soon. But since it's not that and I'm still sick...ugh. I'm back to "I don't know what's wrong with me." Even holding a conversation takes it out of me, I'm so run down. But I can send her an email.

I think I'm with Amy, I don't like being weak. And I want to be the one helping. I was thinking today...I just need to cook someone ELSE dinner to get my mind off of me. And then...sigh...I realized that I couldn't cook my own dinner, let alone dinner for anyone else.

On a brighter note, a friend showed up with dinner this afternoon. And it was even the kind of dinner I could freeze and eat later. That was SOOOO nice! And she's taking my preschooler for a couple hours tomorrow morning. And it was nice to be remembered. I know I just need to speak up and I'd have lots of help. It's just hard when it's the hard stuff that I need help with...floor mopping and what not. Food is easy for most people, but to come and mop someone else's floor? I would do it in a heartbeat and gladly...and I have to keep telling myself there are other good people who would gladly do the same. I just need to ask.

5D, fyi, I would have asked my VTers, but they were both incapcitated about a week before I got sick. One had a c-section and the other got pregnant and her pregnancies mean 9 months of sickness...although she seems to be doing better now (she's the one mentioned above who had 3 meals a week planned for her and a cleaning crew). But I need to ask for VTers who could probably help out a bit more in addition to asking for some help in general.

I should have done this at some point this whole day...and I still haven't.

[5ft Diva]

Oh, E. Good luck with all of this. Since we've already talked on the phone, I'll just tell you that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

[Erudite]

Thanks, 5D!

[Big_Sissy]

Good grief! I just want to add my condollences, as I'm sorry you are feeling poorly. I understand the being sick thing, as it just blows. Just just had strep 2 times in the last 5 weeks, and in between I never did get better. At least I knew what was wrong. Not knowing stinks big time.

[Erudite]

Thanks, BS!

Update from new doctor...he's throwing around the word "autoimmune disorders", but no specific name as yet...still doing more tests. It's not Lupus, but he's looking into rheumatoid arthritis, CMV (which I need to look up to remember what that is) and celiac's disease (which I have a hard time believing, but I asked him to check). Anyway, he gave me a B12 shot which should help with the energy level through Christmas at least. He didn't know what to do with the chest pain though. And that's where it is today!

THANKS THANKS THANKS to the friend who mopped my floor (and did my dishes) and to the friend who did them by proxy. You know who you are. That one thing has made me feel like I can handle this all. A clean floor is SUCH a big deal for my mood!