My Sister is Dying

[Dia Minha]

My oldest sister is dying. She has been sick for a very long time. Recently, due to renal failure and being on dialysis for so long she has been in a lot of pain and the doctor's have not been able to help her heal or control the pain. Last week my mom called in hospice and they finally have her pain under control, but the medication pretty much knocks her out. She will eventually die, because she can not get up and go to dialysis.

Her health problems derived from complications due to morbid obesity. Yet, even while watching her trials and difficulties from her weight problems, I continue to be unable to get my eating under control. It frustrates me. If watching my sister suffer and die, because she was unable to control her weight isn't going to do it for me, then what is?

Maybe this needed to be a blog, but even though I do not have any specific questions to start a dialog, I could really use some kind of response, validation, words of encourage, support, or something. If I were writing this on Facebook I would just post "My sister is dying" in my status update and a few hours I would get several comments of condolences, support, etc. I guess that is what I am looking for here.

[natickgirl]

I'm so sorry, Dia! That's really tough, even if you know she brought about much of her own misery through lifestyle choices. I guess, in a way, we all often bring about our own misery...obesity just happens to be more obvious than other miseries. Unfortunately, our choices never affect just ourselves, do they.

Why is it so hard for so many of us to control our eating??? (I'm speaking for myself!) My Dad has Type II diabetes, and I know I'm headed down that path if I don't stop skipping meals, overloading on carbs, etc.

We had a R.S. lesson on Sunday about art, and how it is in our very natures as Children of God to want to create. And, stress often leads to increased creativity as on "outlet". Since, I have no artistic bone in my body, the way I create is through food. I make something delicious out of whatever happens to be in the fridge at the time. Or, when I'm really stressed, I make cookies--with butter & tons of sugar, of course. I guess cooking, baking, and eating are my "addictions"...my way of self-medicating.

Perhaps the solution is to find more healthy ways to "self-medicate" when life gets tough, such as sewing, scrapbooking, calling a friend, taking a walk, or playing a board game with the kids. I don't know...just rambling.

Hugs to you & your family as you say goodbye to your sister.

[bookworm]

Oh, Dia, I'm so sorry. That would break my heart to have to say goodbye so soon to any of my sisters. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

One point I feel I need to make, though, is that you, Dia, are nowhere near morbidly obese. I think we often project our problems onto others and do the same in reverse-- she has a severe weight problem. You have (according to you, I honestly wouldn't make that judgment!) a moderate to small weight problem. The fact that you are so acutely aware of your body and your eating and your exercise routine means high hopes for your future and hopefully none of the issues those who are obese deal with. Don't assume that because her body did this that yours will.

We are created in God's image, even steeped in our imperfections, there is an element of perfection because of Him. Look for that in yourself (and in your sister) and have hope for the future. No one has total 100% control over their vices. Else they wouldn't be vices! Keep moving forward, keep loving yourself and keep trying.

[Dia Minha]

My sister passed away at 5:00 this morning. I just feel an overwhelming sense of relief, because I know she is no longer suffering.

Thanks for your kind words. I know that I am not morbidly obese. However, my sister's problems first started when she wasn't either. She had health and emotional issues that caused her to gain the weight and then the extra weight added more problems and ended up being the reason she contracted the skin disorder that caused her so much pain. It was untreatable and it could not be healed.

One thing that added to her health problems was her strict dieting. She would go on a diet and loose a ton of weight, then something physical (breaking an ankle) or emotional (fostering high need teenagers) would cause her to gain it all back and more. This put more stress on her body than if she had just stayed overweight in the first place.

I know that my struggles with weight and food are different. I don't think my issues would cause me such problems. I recently had a bunch of blood work done to renew my life insurance policy and everything came back good. I'm right down the center line on everything. In other words I am very healthy, in spite of being 30 pounds overweight. I just know how quickly one can loose that and worry that if I don't get control over the emotional eating and such that I could cause my body un-repairable damage.

I don't know if this is making any sense. I think honestly I feel the need to talk about it, because I feel sad that she missed out on so much life, because of her "vices". I know I have allowed myself to miss out on so many things because of mine. I tend to think that next summer I will enjoy it more, because I will be skinny or will not spend another Nutcracker at this weight and then another summer and another Nutcracker and I'm still packing the extra weight. I dream of going on a cruise, but will not go until I have reached my "healthy weight range". Not just because I will look good, because that is just a side effect of what I really want. What I really want is to be strong, healthy, confident, so that I can enjoy every second of the cruise. I know if I were to go right now I wouldn't be able to do all that I wanted, because my body would not allow me to while packing the extra weight.

Anyway, thanks for giving me such a safe place to talk it all out and thanks for the comforting and encouraging words.

[natickgirl]

How sad for you, your family, and especially your sister. I wish you the best as you sort through all the feelings & fears brought about by your sister's life & death. From your posts, it sounds like you already ARE a very strong & healthy person, both physically & emotionally. Perhaps you have already reached your body's ideal weight.

I've realized that, even with a healthy diet & exercise, very few people can actually be as thin as society thinks we all need to be. Most people who are either have great genes, lots of time & money to devote to themselves (fitness, therapy, personal trainer, expensive health foods, etc.) or a little "help" from things like HCG, protein drinks, caffeine, or even smoking.

I hope you know how amazing you are, Dia! You have many friends as well as the support of your husband, and they are there for you when things get tough. You will not end up like your sister, but you can help others learn from her situation.

[bookworm]

Oh, Dia I'm sorry. You will be in my prayers.

[Erudite]

I'm sorry for your loss too, Dia! I have lots of thoughts on this whole topic, but for now, I only wish to send you prayers of peace and confidence and hope. May all be well with you and yours.

[5ft Diva]

Losing a loved one is always hard especially when the one who passed away didn't have the quality of life they would've wished for themselves. I'm glad you have been able to find peace in her being gone and that you have no regrets about the kind of relationship you've had with her. May you continue to have peace in your life as you move forward.

[Dia Minha]

Thanks ladies. I love having a safe place to come talk about things like this.

I don't think I have an issue with societies unrealistic weight expectations. I think that I would look and feel great at the high end of the BMI scale. It has been just recently that I find myself being irritated with ads for plastic surgery and other procedures, because I start feeling like I could look like that, if I had the money, but then deep down I know how ridiculous it is so I just avoid them. I am having some issues with the outdated BMI scale and the research I have done tells me that I need to be careful about trying to get to the lower end of the scale. My DH is at the high end of his scale, but has so many muscle, couldn't lose anymore weight without loosing it.

These last couple of weeks I haven't been able to eat. For the first time in my life I find myself having to remind myself to fix breakfast and lunch. I can sit down and eat and stop when my body tells me it is satisfied. It is so new to me it has been almost scary. I'm starting to pull out of it again and find myself starting mini-binges. I have been trying to identify the feelings surrounding the ability to not over-eat and the closest I can get is a mixture of peace and grief. Normally I am a big emotional eater. I eat when I'm feeling any emotion whether it is a negative or positive, but mostly negative. I believe that if I can identify this emotion, whatever it may be, that I can figure out how to better control my emotional eating.

Erudite, I would love to hear what you have on this topic. I'll look forward to you starting a thread of your own when you are ready to share.

Right now I feel satisfied with my efforts to get and remain healthy. I go to CURVES 4-6 times a week as well as walk 3 miles on those days. I'm loosing on average 5lbs., 4in., and 1% body fat a month. It feels good to be making progress and reaching my goals. Again, I feel like I am beyond just looking good. I just want to be as strong and healthy as I can. Since starting CURVES I have noticed an increase in energy levels and fewer high pain days. I'm looking foward to the energy that will come as I loose the next 20 pounds. Yes, I am excited about looking good and being able to find cute, affordable clothes that fit too, but that is just a side affect of being stronger and healthier.

Thanks again!

[natickgirl]

Dia - Are you doing OK?

Sometimes the grief (anger, pain, disbelief, sadness, relief) of losing a loved one can't be fully felt, acknowledged & "processed" until the quiet weeks after the funeral. That's when things settle down a little and life returns to "normal", or, at least, people expect you to act like you life has returned to normal.

Just wanted you to know that we're still thinking of you.

[Dia Minha]

Thanks for thinking about me natick. I honestly don't think I have had the time yet to let it sink in. Sometimes I feel really sad and I think, "here it goes", but then I'll get really busy and it passes quickly. I know that as the kids go back to school and we get back to our schedule of visiting grandma and Aunt Retta isn't there when we go, it will hit all of us

I have been angry. Surrounding my sister AR's death, my other sister, JR, that accused me of needing/allowing my mom to raise my kids, sent me several more hateful emails. She accused me of being the reason AR couldn't pass peacefully. I guess AR had a couple of fitful nights where she talked to my mom about JR and I's relationship. I have been so angry, because it is like she took away my right to grieve and process. I worked so hard that last week of AR life to stand up for myself and spent so much time crying and over that (as well as it being the 4th anniversary of my son's death) that I didn't have any tears left for AR.

[natickgirl]

Wow. You have a lot to deal with. I'm sorry. I hope your sister, JR, will come to her senses one day & stop dumping so much garbage on you. People do stupid things when they're hurting (or feeling guilty, insecure, depressed, inadequate...fill in the negative emotion). I hope you can turn to those who love you, including God, for help in processing everything in a safe & healthy way.