Carrying others problems on our shoulders

[LostnFound]

I have a calling in my local church that involves several others who are involved in teaching capacities with teaching the children in our church. About 25% of these teachers are men. It is a common theme in my area for the men to not come and follow through with their teaching assignments on a regular basis. The sad thing is, is that week after week I see their sweet wives coming in to apologize for the husbands for not coming. I can see their saddened faces as they apologize. I wonder why do we as wives carry this burden on our shoulder?

I have a problem in general with our society with fathers that are cowering away from their duties. But in the chaos of the world I have always been grateful for the religion that I am a part of that encourages fathers and husbands in their roles in the homes. But lately I have been so saddened to speak to many of the women in my neighborhood who are sharing a common problem in their lives and that is the spirituality of their husbands.

I am torn between telling these women that we cannot be our brothers keeper and that these men have to make choices on their own. But I am tempted to let the husbands and Fathers know that many women in my area are like one oxe pulling the wagon on their own to lead their families in the gospel while the husbands have stopped dead in their tracks and are weighing things down and we as women are trying to pull the wagon on our own. Don't they know how difficult it is to pull the wagon on our own?

I wanted to write this because I struggle inside of myself with this concept of not being your brothers keeper and you yourself are the only ones to make choices in your own life. What can we do as women to not carry the burden on our shoulders when we live with it every day? What can we do to strengthen ourselves to carry the wagon on our own? I know the answer is the atonement and that Jesus will be there to help pull the other side but I just sometimes I would like to shake these men and tell them to wake up and make effort. I just wish they would know how much their lives as well as the lives of their families would be blessed if they would help pull the team with the women.

The adversary has so much power over these men. What can we do to strengthen these men to fight this evil? I wish I knew what they needed to give help and offer prayers in their behaves. I just have so much love for my neighborhood. More love than anyone could ever imagine. My gut just hurts when I see and talk to these women with this common problem in their lives, but yet are trying to be so strong for their families. I love you sweet women and all you do for your families.

There I got it all out. I hesitated on writing this but it is done and I feel better letting it all out. Thanks BnS for letting me have a place where I could share and write my feelings.

[Dia Minha]

LnF, I understand what you are saying. I on the other hand am on the other side of the board. Being married to a husband who accepts others responsibilities as his own I think in a way can be just as hard as a husband who does not accept his own responsibilities.

There have been so many times when my DH has gone over to the church on an unscheduled night to do an emergency temple reccommend interview just to have the person not show up. So he wasted an hour away from his family, just have to go back another night. (He never thinks of it as wasting time, just me.)

He will go unlock the church for a cleaning assignment telling me he will only be an half and hour or so and come home two hours later, simply stating that the there wasn't enough help so he stayed to make sure it all got done. Later, I find out that he was the first one there and the last one gone. (Again this does not bother him, just me.)

He is always finishing up assignments that were originally given to someone else whether it is dropping of information for youth conference, or making phone calls for young mens, or trying to arrange for building space when youth activities are changed last minute, or attending a youth temple assignment last minute, because there are not enough priesthood holders to attend. Each one of these takes up so much precious time that he could be spending with me and our children.

Of course this goes right back to what you were saying. If everyone fulfilled their callings, and assignments it would relieve the pressure on all the others. The Lord has establish his church in such a way that if everyone is doing their best, then no one should find themselves spending any more time serving than the other.

I too have hesitated to mention any of the above. I have always felt that I have been blessed with such a husband and should be willing to let him serve to his full capacity. There are just times during the week were I feel so worn out, tired, and alone, that these things just build up inside of me until I feel like they are going to burst me wide open. I get upset, because the more he is away the less time I have to serve anyone, but my little family. He gets to go to the temple twice has often as me, because he is needed, where as, I'm am needed at home. I start feeling locked up and forgotten.

So, I too thank BodynSpirit for the opportunity to be able to let it out a little at a time and receive the support I truly need, being a single mom with a husband to take care of is not an easy task. However, the validation I recieve here sure makes it easier.

I have seen many blessings that I know my family and I have received, because of my husband's willingness to serve. I pray continuelly that these blessings will be easier to see. That I will be able to recognize each of them in turn. And that the hard times will be made easier. I have faith that the Lord hears and answers all prayers, and the ones that are not answered in the affirmative are done so, because it is what is best for me at the time.

I almost feel like I need to close in such a manner that I would in closing a testimony. I don't know if it is appropriate in this manner of communication, though, so I won't at this time. Just know that this is a testimony.

Dia

[5ft Diva]

This is a subject that has demanded my attention whether I like it or not. I'm so glad you didn't hesitate writing this, LnF. Thank you.

I agree w/ everything you have said here and I can feel the love you have for all of us through this thread. If anything, it's comforting for me to know that I am not alone in how I feel. Your words are beyond validating for me.

I am constantly perplexed as to how a man cannot grasp his responsibilities to his family, nevertheless, it happens and to answer your question I say: we (as women) study the Proclamation and focus on only what we can do ourselves and allow the Savior to make up the difference, just as you have mentioned. Nothing earth shattering.

[5ft Diva]

Dia, I can see your dilemma. I hope things get better for you.

[Erudite]

Do you mind a doctrinal look at the idea of being our brother's keeper? Do you remember who said that? It was Cain. He was making an excuse to the Lord because he'd just killed Abel and so Abel wasn't around. Cain said, am I my brother's keeper? (Gen. 4:9) This defensive response indicates that Cain thought it he shouldn't be required to be his brother's keeper that it wasn't his responsibility, but do we seriously want to be thinking like Cain?

Now, we should NOT be our brother's keeper in the sense that we feel like we need force them to do anything. Being our brother's keeper is possible in that we can be a good example to our brothers (or sisters as the case may be) and I think that is very much a part of the gospel (Mosiah 18 - mourn with those that mourn, bear each others burdens, etc.). We are in fact asked to watch over and guide others as a part of the gospel.

LnF, I don't know your exact situation, but sounds to me like you're in a leadership position where in fact it is part of your stewardship to direct and correct. Under the guidance of the Spirit, you shouldn't feel bad about telling the men who you lead that they are causing a problem. Sometimes, they just aren't aware. BS tells us that all the time...just oblivious. We as women don't see how that's possible, but apparently it is. Sometimes, your loving intervention and correction is the thing that kick-starts them (men or women) when they need it. 5D and a couple others have been reading a book called "Without Offense" and it talks about the fact that there ARE times when we should correct, but it should only happen when it is our stewardship AND only under the guidance of the Spirit.

We ARE our brother's keeper, we are just never our brother's jailer...as in we shouldn't force...and even inappropriate criticism is a form of force. But Jesus has asked us to feed his sheep. Are we doing that if we never ask the sheep to come to the feeding trough? Primary teaching is an opportunity to feed. Fulfulling any calling, acting as a parent, doing responsible things are all opportunities to feed. I don't think we do them a service when we allow anyone to slide through thinking that their actions are acceptable when they are NOT. Their actions can hurt and cause problems, and they need to understand and be accountable for them.

And there's the tough part. You as a leader have to require their accountability. You do that first by teaching, and second by having appropriate consequences for their actions (or inactions). And then they must decide for themselves and they have to be accountable for themselves. And...if you have done your part in teaching/training/guiding them, they are accountable to God for their actions. The very toughest thing that leaders in the Church have to do is see that others are accountable for their actions. It hurts...oh my, it hurts...because sometimes you just know how their response to things is so, so, so detrimental to them. But they have to be given the opportunity to feed and if you have offered the food and they refuse it, it is on their shoulders.

I also want to end as I would end a testimony....because this one aspect that I know to be true.

[LostnFound]

Erudite,
I appreciate your insight on this matter. You always amaze me with your knowledge on gospel doctrine. I would love to meet you someday or at least get your phone number when I have questions. You sound like an amazing person. You gave me a whole new perspective on this matter. I truly appreciate your thoughts.
LnF

[Big_Sissy]

I've been avoiding this topic just because I'm one of the dorks you so kindly speak of.

I have nothing to offer, and I have no idea why we (me) think this is okay. Just know that what you are doing DOES help. It doesn't mean we (I) will do it, but it does let us know you care.

Now what Erudite said is very true. I don't like it one bit, but it's true none the less. The wicked (me) take the truth to be hard.

Now as far as why? I have no idea. I have no good excuse to offer, and nothing to add that would even be helpful.

I can only tell you that if a man shirks his duty, more than likely (99%) unresolved sin is involved. Feelings of unworthiness, guilt, shame, embarrassment, etc will keep them from coming back. As stupid as that sounds (because honestly it is stupid) it's reality. Men in general are very prideful.

Anyway, that's not an excuse (at least not a good one). But if understanding the goofy thought/reason's helps, there they are.

[Erudite]

Glad I could help, LnF. It's a "been there, done that" thing.

BS, you pointed out one aspect that I think I was not clear in communicating... that of caring about the individual who is being corrected. You can't correct effectively from the perspective of "You are causing me a problem, quit it so that I can get on with MY life." A leader in the Church should correct from the perspective of what is best for the correctee. LnF, you are giving an opportunity for feeding and growth and endurance even, by asking someone to serve. If they choose not to serve, perhaps there is a different way they can serve that would be beneficial for them? The point is, it isn't up to us to correct a problem, but to feed the sheep. Often, with the help of the Spirit, we can do both in the same action. If, as BS suggests, there are issues beyond your knowledge, the Spirit will know what to do and guide you in the correction in order to bless the life of the correctee.

Hope that helps!

[LostnFound]

I can't sleep tonight so here I am writing on this subject. I have thought a lot about this thread in the last couple of days. I wanted to write more but not sure of what I wanted to say.

My husband and I stayed up until 2 a.m the other night discussing our lives and our past and everything we had been through.

Seven years ago after meeting one another we had made a decision that we wanted to take our children to church because it was important for us that they learned about God. We also thought it was important that we should go also. We started to gain a testimony in just a short while regarding the truthfulness of the gospel. But this meant that we had to give up our lifestyles. This meant that I had to quit smoking cigarettes and both of us had to quit drinking alcohol and other things I don't need to go into details about. The first weeks were easy because we were so excited about changing our lives but then the true test came and the adversary went to work full time on us. It was a rocky road but we did it.

Each year our testimonies have grown. We struggled with paying tithing and finally had enough faith to put our trust in the Lord and today can testify on the power of paying tithing. We struggled with keeping the Sabbath Day Holy and finally had faith to keep this sacred day Holy. I can go on and on with these small steps we have taken to grow.

But at 2 a.m we took a moment together to marvel in the joy that surrounds us. All of our struggles and everything we have overcome together has made us so strong. Our lives are so full and have so much meaning. We blended two families together and that is one of the hardest things I could ever do in my life, but because of the knowledge we gained over the last seven years it made the journey so much easier.

The purpose of writing this is that I care for so much about my neighbors and their struggles. The gospel has brought my husband and I so much JOY and my heart breaks for others that have made choices to not partake of that Joy. I pray every night that maybe just maybe that something will occur in their lives to remind them of the blessings that are promised to them when they keep the commandments and that they will fight and be strong and come back to the fold. I was lost for so long before my husband and I made that decision seven years ago. My heart aches for others who may possibly have strayed off into the dark and need to find their way back. I hope I am always at the right place and the right time with my flashlight to help others back to the rod.

LNF

[Erudite]

Wow, thanks for sharing that with us, LnF. You sound amazing!! I'm with you on the wishing that others could feel of the tremendous love of our Heavenly Father that comes from overcoming trials and from pressing forward in Christ. I very much say "Amen" to your testimony and join my flashlight with yours.

[Mamallama]

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences Lnf. You are such a great example Lnf and truly are shining your flashlight towards the truth for all who are around you.....and for many who you may not even realize who are looking your way. Thanks for the wonderful example of love and kindness you show to me. I'm so happy and grateful to know you and for the light you bring into my life.

Mamallama

[Dia Minha]

LnF

I just wanted to say thanks so much for being willing to share something so personal. I too have struggled in the past to overcome bad habits. If it wan't for me meeting my DH, when I did, I could have ended up in a pretty bad situation. Well, I was already there, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. It really helps me to know, that I am not alone. You have been such an inspiration to me.

I also wanted to say thank you so much for the best wishes yesterday. You probably don't even know what you said that meant so much to me, but it meant a lot.

Thanks again,

Dia

[smed]

I have really loved what everyone has written on this topic. I too have been put in both of these situations that LnF and Erudita have both shared with everyone. Both are heart tearing and wonderful at the same time. The best advice is to listen the the spirit, then act on it. Don't give up, the outcome always outways the odds for the better. (At least that is what I'm still learning.)