I can't believe it, I did it again!

[5ft Diva]

I feel like there are some things that I can do well with on my own and then there are others that I just need an outside perspective on....this is one of them. I'm trying to process through something that I would probably work through if I were attending R.S. and G.D., but I don't, so I'm hoping I can receive the same kind of insight I've always received from you guys in the past.

A good way to explain my situation is to compare it to that of a recovering alcoholic.

1. I have a habit that is affecting my personal relationship with others in a negative way.
2. I recognize it as a problem and seek out help.
3. I have done the work required to replace the habit and have good, positive, and meaningful relationships again.

But then......I go months and years without too much temptation and then out of the blue BAM I'm in an old, comfortable place that I've worked years to remove myself from, I slip, and my relationships with others begin to suffer and I feel I'm back at square one again.

Part of me says that this is part of being human and that what I'm experiencing is normal and that I'm not the first person this has happened to. The other part of me says that with the amount of time and effort I've put into myself mistakes are inexcusable; I should know better. Part of me is tootired to think of the journey "back". I feel anger and sadness because I'm not as far along the road as I thought I was and I feel confused because I wonder what in the world happened? I wonder what's wrong with me? Why can't I just get it right for the rest of my life. I become worried wondering if it's obvious that I'm not who I say I am. How did I get here in the first place? It's just this cycle of unanswerable questions and frustrated feelings.

Anyway, you can see why I'm needing some outside perspective as I've just given you some insight on what's going on inside my head. Know that I'm working on this now and that I have a list of scriptures and conference talks I will be reading. Your thoughts (and confidences) would be sincerely appreciated.

[bookworm]

Diva, I'm sorry you're feeling discouraged. I think it's a good point that all humans (well, at least me too) go through similar patterns. I thought I had the "study scriptures daily" goal licked. I was doing SO well, it had become a habit and it wasn't a problem. In the last few months, it's quickly evaporated- much faster than it took to establish the habit. I'm seriously back at square one! I can't believe I'm back here again. I thought once that habit was there, it didn't take much to keep up with it, but apparently, this is a personal struggle that will need constant effort and work- much like the alcoholic example. I just need to always be on guard! I'm so tired, though, and my house is so noisy, and I've suddenly become so busy that I'm having an extraordinarily difficult time climbing back out of the rut I'm in.

This goes for having a positive attitude, too. I've done the same thing- things have gotten very bad for us financially, and for the first time in many, many years, I've lost hope. I am clawing my way back from that hole- I can't live in depression or anger or hopelessness, I'm not wired to live like that, but it's taking all my efforts to catch negative thoughts and try to change them. I've become rather cynical, thinking that it's denial if I try to replace negative thoughts with positive.

Anyway, sorry to rant on and on, but the point is you're not alone in this. Whatever it is you're struggling to change, I think I understand how you feel!

[natickgirl]

5ft & BW, I'm right there with you in multiple areas in my life. I still think life is like an escalator...we have to put forth effort just to keep from sliding backwards. If we want to change or improve our situation, we have to extend that much more effort. Too often we (meaning me) get lax and stop doing the basics, thinking it will be OK to let is slide just a little, or just this once. (I'm thinking family scripture study, personal study, attitude, etc.) Reminds me of the scripture where Satan binds us with flaxed cords, little by little, and leads us "carefully down to hell." That's not where we wanna be, so we have to get back on that escalator, not matter how far we've slipped, and get moving!

(OK, self...done with pep talk! Now whatcha gonna do with it?)

[Dia Minha]

I'm listening. I just don't have anything to add. I go through this too. It is human nature and it is our duty to continue to fight against it. Just take note of all the things you are doing and haven't fallen back on and push forward with those you are still working on.

Sorry if this comes across has impersonal. I love this website and have been neglecting it. I'm going to work at just leaving first impressions for a while, and I know it will get easier. You know fake it until you make it. And the more I try to explain what I mean, the more it sounds like I am off topic. However, I can see the conection, so I'll just stop before I make it worse.

[5ft Diva]

I read through these a while ago and for some reason needed some time to think these responses over. This thread was embryonic to some ideas that have come to me after reading the things that you ladies have put on here. I really appreciate your insight. It has been really nice to know that I'm not the only one who goes through this. In fact, that it is indeed normal, because it feels anything but normal. The other day I was reflecting on my feelings of being on the "road back" and living the gospel is like being in my native country and when I fall off the wagon somewhere, getting back on always feels like being a citizen of a country that I have left for a while and when I finally return I feel like a foreigner. I didn't like this feeling at all. I didn't like feeling like a visitor in a country I should be accustomed to. In the process of trying to regain familiarity I sought divine help and felt a deep impression to attend the temple. I had every intention of doing initiatories but was strongly impressed to attend a session instead. So glad I followed that impression. For it was in that arena that I felt like I had been brought into full fellowship to all that I had been missing. It was there that I realized how much I was missed and how much I am loved. I don't know how to explain it. Anyway, I'm rambling now, but needed to just process and I really wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts on here as they were soooooooo helpful to one who was feeling lost at the moment.

[Erudite]

(Apparently 5D and I were typing at the same time...I'm still gonna post my response. Just realize it was supposed to be before her addition.)

ME TOO! I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I know the frustration and the irritation and the tired and the "ooohhhh why can't I get this right and have it stay right??!!"

That said, let me tell you something that has helped me. First, the scripture (which I can't currently find) where it talks about making use of the atonement and how we love the Savior more for being able to make use of the atonement is a great comfort to me. He expects and wants us to make use of the atonement. So when I goof, I know the atonement is there for me to lean on and it is even there to make up for my inabilities and shortcomings, not just my sins. Yes, the scriptures say that these things come back to us when we goof in the same way, but they are also taken away from us in the same way they were taken away before. We just, as all have said, need to pick up and move forward, leaning on the atonement, and finding ways to not find ourselves in the same situations that caused the goof.

Second, Satan knows about the goof. He knows what to do to cause the goof. He knows how to put you (and me) in a situation that make it FEEL like the goof is unavoidable. Have you "resisted unto blood" (Hebrews 12:4)? I know I haven't, because I think if I have I wouldn't have goofed at all. But that's something I think when I have feelings come back that bring "the goof" back into my life in someway. How can I "resist unto blood"? That puts me to singing hymns and listening to conference and finding someway to serve others. Goofs always seem farther away when doing such things.

My main goof is yelling at my kids. I haven't done it in a long time, but just a few weeks ago, I nearly lost it at my 13 yods. As soon as my voice started to rise, I stood up and left the room, telling him that I didn't want to yell and I'd be back when I'd calmed down. Can I just tell you...I went to my office and dropped my head to my hands and prayed for peace and knowledge to handle the situation with my son well. I PROMPTLY received an answer that is still blessing us and still blessing him. How GOOD God is to us!!

He knows we goof, but also knows how to help us out of the goofs of our lives. We just need to turn to him in our effort to resist unto blood those things that we know we shouldn't have in our lives. And with Him all things are possible (Luke 18:27).

[natickgirl]

Great insight, ladies. Thanks. 5ft, I totally relate to your temple experience. I sometimes feel like the temple is the only place I can feel truly grounded (as in rooted firmly in place)...the only place things make sense & I feel peace, comfort, belonging. I try to go to the temple with the attitude of serving, but usually it's purely for selfish reasons of wanting to feel peace.

[5ft Diva]

NG, I totally get that. I hope the selfishness doesn't count against me one day.

E, I so appreciate your insight....when can we be neighbors again?!