CH2 - Living a Higher Law: Permission to criticize

[Joanie]

When we have criticism that needs to be offered we need to get the permission of the other person. If is it husband-wife then they can tell us "no". If it is to a child they can tell us "when".

I find that I jump in and say the criticism and then think later that I really should have gotten their permission. Have any of you found ways to stop yourself before you blunder in and say whatever is on your mind? Also, if you do remember and your child says later how do you remember to do it later?

I have a friend that used to write notes about things she needed to talk to each child about and put them at her place at dinner so when she sat down she would see the notes and remember to talk to each person about them. She said her family didn't like them.... I don't want to fill dinner with negatives. Any other ideas?

[5ft Diva]

That's kind of a funny idea but I can see how that can be destructive.

I ususally tell DH that we need to talk. He lets me know if it's a good time or when it would be a good time. It is very, very damaging to our relationship to just start criticizing so I'm willing to pay the price of making sure my ducks are in a row before moving forward. I'm sure I could improve on that but for the most part, that's how it goes.

My kids are a totally different ball game. I find that if I just stop and listen to the Spirit (which means I have to be patient), I don't even have to think about how to say something or what to say, I just say what is being communicated to me as what is best for them and in the process I'm being taught. I do not, however, always do this so I feel there is a lot of contention in our home because of this. I really need to work on this. This is actually the "monkey on my back" right now. What do you do?

As far as talking to my kids later I have to write it down. I have a huge white board in my kitchen that I write stuff on or leave a sticky note on my nightstand or mirror. I write it in a way that no one else knows what it's about.

I've been interrupted like 6 times while writing this so I hope this makes sense.

[Joanie]

I find that my tendency is to not tell them at all if I am being bugged until I am really angry and then I just yell it. Obviously, I have nothing to teach you...I don't think I've ever done it.

[Erudite]

Interesting thoughts. I've never considered "waiting until later" because my kids aren't that old. They would completely forget whatever it is wonder why I'm bringing up old news. I needed to adjust my daughter's conduct on Sunday and what I did is wait for a private moment and then call her away from her siblings, right after the event. By doing that, I don't embarrass her. It also gives me just enough time to think through what I want to communicate so that I can still be "serious" (not angry), but also have a good reasons that she'll understand for my concerns.

I find myself doing this also with my 10 year old son at night. If I have something to communicate, I go to his room and we talk.

I think if it's so important that "a talk" is needed, you're not going to forget it. And if you do...perhaps it wasn't that important?

[Joanie]

Thanks--that's really good. I need to make sure that I pull them aside and not embarrass them...I tend to do that. It's not really often but often enough that I'm sure it would make a difference to them.
Thanks again.

[5ft Diva]

Huh, interesting thoughts, E. The pattern I see is that you are proactive in seeking out your children. Whether it is pulling them aside or waiting to find a private moment with them in their room, you're looking for the opportunity and taking it when it presents itself. I can visualize that and I can do that! Cool thoughts. Good question Joanie!