CH3 - The Greatest Revelation: Trusting Other People

[Joanie]

I am finding as I think about all of these ways to work with people that one of the biggest roadblocks to using these techniques is fear and a lack of trust in others. All of these methods rely on the person that we are talking to doing the right thing, which may inspire a great deal of fear. A really cool benefit of using these methods is that when you allow others to really choose for themselves and they do choose well we begin to feel trust in them. As we recognize what we are afraid of and let go a little, we may be surprised at how well our children, spouses, and others really will act when they aren't feeling forced to do things.

[5ft Diva]

This is a concept I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around. I'm confused by what you mean when you say, "All of these methods rely on the person that we are talking to doing the right thing, which may inspire a great deal of fear." I take that to mean that unless the person chooses the right thing our efforts are in vain - this seems a bit like codependency on the other person to me. Do I misunderstand what you're trying to say here? I think that we stay on the course that Dr. Lund has outlined in his book regardless of the other person's choices. It is then that our ability to be like the Savior is put to the test. Am I just repeating what you've said? I apologize for not understanding, could you give me an example of what you're meaning?

[Joanie]

What I am getting at is that people are basically good and if allowed to, will more often than not, make the right choice. I have seen people that are afraid to let people choose. If they think that you're not going to choose their way then they start to force. I guess all I'm getting at is that when we trust that people are basically good, it is easier to use these skills that we're learning.
Does that make any more sense? If not, I'll try again.

[5ft Diva]

Ooohhhh, that makes lots of sense. What a great concept. How have you implemented the idea of trusting someone so that they would make good choices? Would 'fake it til you make it' be something that is applied here as far as trust goes? I need application. Do you mind elaborating a little bit for me? I am someone that learns by watching someone's example and I honestly don't know how to do this so would you mind sharing some examples with me so I can understand this concept better? I'm having a hard time knowing how to the back off so that they are free to make a choice when the moment of truth is at hand. Like, how do I send that out to someone else, how do I say that to someone else, how do I look like that to someone else? Does all of this make sense?

[Joanie]

Yes, I think fake it til you make it works for me.
Here is an example of what I mean.
A parent reminds the child that they need to get their work done. The child may go get a drink or go to the bathroom (and the parent may be feeling frustrated that they are not doing it right now!) but they let them and watch them until they are obedient. They don't jump in and force and coerce.
Allowing children and other people their own timetable is the one that has been most forcefully impressed on my mind. Mainly because I am a stubborn, "I'll do it when I'm ready" kind of person. If you let me do it on my own timetable I'll do it and feel good about it but if you try to get me to do it on your timetable then it's a recipe for disaster. I might do it and you or not do it just to spite you. But if you allow me some freedom I respond much better.

[5ft Diva]

Timetable is huge. Isn't that the same as long suffering? On second thought, I guess long suffering is different for everyone depending on their weaknesses. If you're not having trouble with giving other's their time and space then this would not fall into the long suffering category for you. Thanks for the example, Joanie. I appreciate all of your insight. I'm such an infant at this parenting thing.

[Joanie]

We all are. As soon as we master one thing something new comes up.

[5ft Diva]

Isn't that the truth?