CH4 - The Spiritual Gift of Criticism: The Message and not the Messenger

[Joanie]

As I have been reading this chapter I have been very struck by the fact that our success in giving criticism to others hinges on our ability to keep our focus on the message and not allow the messenger (me) to get in the way by acting inappropriately i.e. yelling, being emotional, criticizing the person and not the act, etc.
"Professor Robert Anderson made a very profound observation. He said that 'the effective communicator keeps the focus on the message. Anything the communicator does to detract from the message makes him or her less effective and robs the message of its full power.' If criticism is to be effective, the critic must be in control of his emotions; otherwise, the listener will focus on the emotional state of the critic and not on the message"
I think that with my children I need to learn to give myself a time out before I react so that I can be calm.
I have found my ability to have the Spirit in my life is directly correlated to the amount of time I have spent in the scriptures and in pondering and prayer.

[5ft Diva]

The frustrating part of this for me is that it's a learning process. I'd love to do it perfectly the first time but it's a trial and error kind of a thing. I am trying to figure out what works for me and that child/person and once I do then another kid comes a long and I need to figure out what works for me and him. I was complaining to a friend one day about some frustrations in my life and she told me that she had the feeling that I should write everything down that I'm feeling so I have started that. What I have found was that if I write my feelings down on paper before I say them I feel it helps me prioritize my thoughts and follow through with what it is I'm really trying to accomplish. It's kind of crazy because when I do it w/ my kids I say, "You stay here, I need a time out." and then I leave the room for as long as it takes me to sort out all of my feelings on paper and then go and find them and say what I really mean to say. What I have found is that usually I'm mad and want to criticize because I'm afraid of something but if I'll take the time to sort it out on paper then I end up coming from a place of love and not only can I "speak my truth" but I can do it w/out shaming that child in the process or causing them feelings of inadequacy. It's been a very insightful exercise. I'm not sure why I said any of this other than when I was reading your post this is what came to my mind.

I'm wondering what kinds of things do you guys do to step out of that cycle of abusive/toxic criticizing?

[Joanie]

That is awesome. I'll have to give that a try.
Part of my problem is in recognizing the need to stop before I blurt out but I'm getting better at it.

[Erudite]

Thanks for sharing 5D! Writing is such an excellent way to go because you really have to think it out and it slows you down.

I guess I try hard to see the positive with the negative, and touch on the positive as equally as the negative. I also try to help my children with strategies for overcoming the negative. for example, my 5th grader has a "how to be a good student" note in the front of his binder to remind him of strategies good students do. I'm good at strategies, but my follow-through is not what it should be.

I also attempt to see the intent of the action of the child. One day when I was about 8, I came downstairs for breakfast. There was a bustle going on in getting breakfast ready, but I could see that the glasses had nothing in them. So I went to the fridge and got the milk and started filling the glasses. My Mom says "wait, there's juice!!" and my Dad started yelling at me for not paying attention to what was going on and asking about it first, completely ignoring the fact that my intent was merely to help and do something that wasn't being done. I hadn't seen the juice. I was very hurt by the assumption that I'd purposely tried to mess things up in trying to help.

That little scene stops me from ever getting mad at my kids when their intent is to help. It even slows me up when their intent is only to have fun (as in they're joking around and the milk gets spilled or something). When I get mad is when the kids are purposefully disobedient...like ignoring the 20th time I've asked them to take their shoes up to their closets.

But even in that, I've found myself giving them 12 different instructions before they've had the chance to carry out the 1st one and its no wonder they can't do what I've asked. That's just my fault when I do that. My sigh of frustration is usually at me at that point, but occasionally, it comes out at them.

Like I said in another post, Joanie's thought about training also stops me from criticizing. We are training the kids and it isn't going to effective if we do it through criticism.

[5ft Diva]

Okay, so here's my question for you, Erudite. While I was reading your post I was wondering, how have you remembered how you felt clear back when you were eight rather than getting caught up in the emotional side of things so that you could focus on your kids and not you.....uh....I think I just answered my own question there. You're not an emotional person. Okay. If there's anything you'd like to add, please do, otherwise, I think I know what I need to work on.

[Erudite]

hmmm I had to think about this some. I know we were talking about it the other day, but I think it is not that I am "not emotional", but that I work hard to control my emotions. And I think, for me, the same thing holds true for dealing with my kids. I've given myself the strategy of finding the positive before picking on the negative too much and so I do that first without thinking too hard about it "what is positive in this action?" So to kids that are filling glasses with the wrong thing (which to-date has never happened in my house, but you get the point), I try to say, "thank you for being helpful" That pause before I worry about what was supposed to be in the glasses helps me to decide if the criticism is needed at all, because does it really matter if juice or milk made it to the glasses?

[5ft Diva]

Yes, I see, but was learning to pause something that came natural to you or was it something you had to work at? It almost sounds like to me that it was an early enough experience that you worked on it right away so as to avoid any bad habits forming. I have not been so wise and am now trying to break the bad habit of jumping to conclusion first. I'm getting better, I've seen so much improvement in myself but it's because I've been spiritually fed and I have had these huge reminders. What happens when the reminders aren't so huge and I am under loads of stress? I guess that's my concern. When I'm under stress I tend to "react" and I would rather my reaction be a natural positive response rather than a forced negative one that I regret later on. I hope that make sense. Don't read too much into this, I know I'm over thinking this. I'm just trying to figure it out is all.

[Erudite]

You could be, but I also hear that it's a big concern for you. I guess I think that in making the strategy and praying for the strength to carry it out, you'll get it and start doing it. Like all things, you have to start the strategy before it before it can become habit. It's a "learned" behavior, so you can learn it. We all can.

Don't you find that to be true in all areas of improvement? We can learn it, we just need to figure out how and then be given opportunities to practice. Remember how often I wanted that last year? I see it as the only way to move forward really. I mean you can think about it all you want, but until it goes into practice and then becomes habit, you haven't gotten very far. You know what I'm referring to, right?

[5ft Diva]

Yes, and that makes perfect sense.