Game Face

[Erudite]

Or maybe it is "poker face" that this thread should be called.

Do you find that you need to put a "I'm ok" face on things? Does it feel like you need to hide how you're actually feeling a lot? Do you think hiding that feeling is causing you difficulty?

So here's why I'm asking. I'm sick again. Several of you saw the very beginning of it at the July get-together. I essentially have only gotten worse since then and needless to say, I'm frustrated by it personally. But what has really become the frustration is wondering how to "be" in my ward. By "be" I mean...which face should they see? These are wonderful caring people who are completely sympathetic and several are even empathetic. But I find myself in two ways of thinking:

1) I put on the game face or poker face and bluff my way through as if nothing is wrong. This makes me feel sad that I'm not sharing what I'm going through because they ARE supportive and loving, but it means that I'm also not subjected to pity and pointless "how are you" questions. And it means that when I really do need help, no one thinks to offer. Yes, I can ask, but that's not wonderfully easy.

2) I wear the "I feel miserable" face. Because truly, my body HURTS. It hurts to talk or sing (which I don't do usually); it hurts to sit upright in church chairs. It used to hurt to walk, but I bought some exorbitantly expensive shoes that fixes that. On top of the pain, there's the tired and generally achiness. When I don't have the tired, the pain is totally bearable, but when I do, I'm just incredibly miserable and have a tough time pulling myself out of it. But if I wear the miserable face and sit in the comfy chair at the back of RS, I've got everyone going..."Ooooh how ARE you?" with few equating that to "she might need some help".

I'm probably overthinking this, huh? Do you all have a game face? How do you use it?

[bookworm]

Oh, E, I'm so sorry. I really, truly wish there were a good treatment/solution to your illness. Life stinks sometimes.

Before I answer the question about the poker/game face, I wonder a couple of things: First, what help do you need? Second, do your RS Pres or VTs know what you need and are they able to help you fill those needs? Or do you generally feel pain and irritable and tired and no one really COULD help, even if they tried? Is it possible you mistake "pity and pointless how are you questions" for genuine concern and an effort to connect with you?

I think that if I saw you in pain, sitting in a comfy chair at church, I would probably ask how you were feeling, if I could get you anything, etc., but I wouldn't mean it in a derogatory, pitying way, just an effort to sympathize with what's going on in the moment. Would you prefer people pretend you're not in pain and just chat with you as normal?

As to the poker/game face, I frequently (in fact, really frequently) put one on. I've learned that even people who are good friends often don't really want to hear about it if something isn't right. Unless I'm in tears, if I try to say, "well, actually, I'm having a really hard week" I tend to get one of two responses: 1. "Oh, that's too bad" and the eyes wander as they are obviously seeking an escape, or 2. "I'm sorry" and they turn away. It's really okay, though, because most of the time I am pretty happy, so this is a seldom occurrence.

I hate to lie, though. If everything is not okay, I don't like saying "I'm good" in response to "how are you?" Most of the time I just respond with "fine" or turn it around to "how are you? and let the conversation shift to them. I also don't ask how someone is unless I am actually interested in the bag of troubles they may be carrying. I try very hard to always be sincere and honest.

I don't know if that's the response you were looking for. Basically, I know exactly how you feel. I put on the happy face for my hubby, my kids, my ward, my friends, and usually it actually cheers me up, but that is rather different than being in pain and not sure whether to express it or not. I hope you will ask those who you can count on for help-- or let DH ask for help for you. Sometimes that is the better route...

[Erudite]

BW, you're so awesome. You said things much better than I did and communicated it in the way I really meant to convey. Your paragraph on the poker/game face...is exactly what I meant to say. I don't like it when people ask and can see I'm not doing well and then do little about it. On the otherhand, I hate feeling forgotten as well. I feel like being sick means they'll leave me out of things and acting like I'm not sick means they'll expect more of me than I can give. And that's really where my conundrum is.

I too hate to lie to the "how are you" question; I usually try to ignore it by skipping over it, because to answer it honestly is generally a long involved story that I rarely want to get into. I don't like reminding myself that I'm ill with the real story.

Your first questions about what do I need...I've given that a lot of thought because my RS pres has asked and I haven't been sure what to tell her. Dinners don't usually help all that much, so it's not that. I have decided that if I'm still sick when school starts in 2.5 weeks, that I'll ask if someone could help me mop my floors and clean my bathrooms every other week. Those are the two things that my kids just don't do well and they're really important to have done well and they make me happy when they are clean. That would be what would help me.

I was hurting a lot when I posted this and had burst into tears with my sister earlier in the day and said "I just haven't learned how to be gracefully sick". She laughed at me and said "I'm not sure there is such a thing. If you feel miserable, it's pretty hard not to feel miserable." Ah, truth. But I can keep my spirits up and that makes being sick a little bit more bearable.

K...so how about the rest of you? Is the game face all about lying? or is the game face a necessary thing?

---------- Post added at 10:55 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:53 AM ----------

Originally Posted by Erudite

I feel like being sick means they'll leave me out of things and acting like I'm not sick means they'll expect more of me than I can give. And that's really where my conundrum is.

Just one more comment on this quoted part.... I know the above is really a matter of being honest with people, having the strength to ask if I really have a need they can fill, and saying "no", and so on. I think that strength IS "gracefully sick". I'm working on it....

[natickgirl]

I'm pretty good at putting a "game face" on when I'm out in public, with people who don't know me and/or don't care. Why should the check-out clerk at the grocery store have to know how miserable I am?

That said, I'm a lousy liar, so when someone asks me how I'm doing (someone who really cares) I usually respond with something like, "I'm hanging in there." If they want more of the story, I'll tell them, but usually they don't. People ask what they can do to help, which is usually nothing, but I always let them know I appreciate their offer & I'll let them know if I think of something they CAN help with. If I'm having a particularly bad day, I'll ask them to pray for me/my family. Sometimes that's all that can be done.

I'm sorry you have to deal with such frustrating health issues. Being in pain is NEVER fun, and is very difficult to push through. I wish you well, literally.

[Erudite]

Thanks, NG! I think "I'm hanging in there" is a GREAT answer. I'm going to start saying that. I did try "About the same" awhile back, but that always seemed to bring clarifying questions.

I AM hanging in there and actually doing much better. The new shoes have helped my feet and better sleep has given me more energy, and not overdoing it during the day seems to help with my chest pain...though that can be very uncomfortable at times. And the headaches are easing up. Having my energy back seems to make everything a lot better because I'm not miserable. Pain I can deal with, but being unable to move...that can be rough. Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts!!

[Erudite]

You know what I decided about all this? After a good conversation with 5D about it, I came to the conclusion that I needed permission to feel miserable. The problem was that I was beating myself up because I'm sick again (sort of...I'm really doing better) AND I felt terrible about it. So not only am I failing at being well but also not having a good attitude about it. So I was giving myself a double whammy of guilt. Errg.

But really...once my sister pointed out that it was ok to feel miserable when I feel miserable, I felt like I could feel miserable for a bit and as I let myself FEEL those feelings, they worked themselves out. So now, even though I still have some of the same body pains, my spirit doesn't feel miserable anymore. Did that make sense?

Am I the only one this dumb about stuff like this?

[runamyrun]

No, you are not being dumb about it. I know that I have not experienced the same pain and difficulties you face, but just getting sick while being a mother is hard. We don't usually have the luxury of calling in sick, so we have to tough it out. Also, many of us don't want to sound like we are whining or wimpy, so we put on a brave face. And to clarify, I don't think you are whining or being wimpy.