Lack of Family Support

[Dia Minha]

Over the years I have made a huge effort to support my brothers and sisters, my in-laws and their children in all their activities and milestones in their life. It hasn't always been easy, but we have always felt like they were family and deserved our presence at babyshowers, sweet 16 birthday parties, baby blessing, baptisms, performances, etc.

However, we have never gotten the same support in return. Very few of my family ever make it out for baby blessings or baptisms, let alone dance concerts or the like. My DH family is better at coming out for things like blessings and baptisms, but on very rare occasions for dance concerts, talent shows, etc.

My boys and my DH are participating in West Valleys Community Theater production of Peter Pan starting next week and absolutely nobody has committed to coming. I can't even begin to explain how dissappointed and sad this makes me.

I'm tired. I'm tired of finding out about family functions we were not invited to (camping, bar-b-q's, birthday parties where every one else in the family was invited, etc.) days after the fact. I'm tired of making such an effort to make it to those functions we are invited to and getting no support in return.

Is there ever a time that we should give up on a relationship that is causing us more grieve and pain than enjoyment? The only reason I have made such an effort with my family is that I see the way it effects my mom. I think that both my DH and I have given up on his family, because it doesn't seem to affect them either way.

[Meticulous madness]

Oh, Dia. I'm sorry about your family and the lack of support they show. Those kinds of things can cause so much heart ache! Personally, I don't struggle with the same familial problems (atleast not very often) so keep that in mind when I state my opinion. :-)

Ultimately, my 'utopianistic' point if view is that family is everything (even when other members don't try very hard). When it comes to friends or acquaintances, political, educational or eclesiastical relationships...I definitely think that giving up the ones who cause more grief is beneficial.

I think it's good to continue to invite family to events and let them know how much it means to have their support. Try not to let it hurt your feelings if they seem disinterested and don't show up - just continue to invite. But, don't ever just invite for obligatory reasons. Invite because you really want them there. Also, try not to notice the things that you're not invited to. Meaning, don't seek out all the bloody and gory details (like the 'train wreck' effect) knowing that it will hurt you more in the end.

And definitely continue to support - until you're dying day. :-) But, don't let it run your own life, dictate your schedule or interfere with your own immediate family needs. Just support where and when you can (or where and when you spiritually feel you should).

And as a side note: remember that some times people really do change! Some times it's an age thing and a wisdom thing. Some times it's an experience thing. Some times the change is so gradual we barely notice. But, maybe things will improve little by little. You'll find support from somewhere unexpected.

Before my own bridal showers, wedding, baby showers, kids, blessings and a few deaths of family members close to me - I didn't make it to many events (atleast not the ones I could wiggle out of). I think big events can be awkward and uncomfortable. I didn't know how to comfort somebody going through a divorce, or divorce of their parents. I didn't know what to say to (or how to "support") somebody who'd experienced the death of a loved one, teen pregnancy, drugs/alchohol, infertility, or miscarriages (all things we need support for).

Once we experience things, or a person close to us experiences something (and invites us to glimpse their world and their needs) we understand the needs of others and it makes us a little better. Usually. :-)

Anyway, in the end...I think if you've done everything you could do to support family, and to invite family - YOU have nurtured and fostered those important relationships in your life and you will be blessed.

But, after having said all this objectively...let me just be your friend and say that out of sheer love and concern for you...I sincerely hope that these members of your family can be a little more thoughtful.

[Dia Minha]

Thanks so much M&M. I guess I knew deep down in my heart that I couldn't give up on family. It says so in my Patriarchal Blessing. I really just needed a little validation that let me know that I wasn't just being a baby about the whole thing.

I do have to say that my mom and my DH parents are really supportive. The lack of support comes mostly from siblings. I'm beginning to think that I need to be a little stronger in letting them all know how much it would mean to us to have their support by sending out more personal invitations to those events we would most like have them attend. I'm going to start by sending Peter Pan flyers out in the mail with a personal invitation attached.

[natickgirl]

I guess I'm looking at it from another perspective. I know that my siblings are all very busy with their own children, their own concerts & recitals. Except for big milestones like blessings & baptisms, I don't invite them to functions. I don't want them to feel obligated to come, or guilty when they can't make it. Likewise, I don't want to feel guilty for being unable to make it to their children's recitals, concerts, sporting events, etc. With multiple kids, multiple families, and multiple events, there comes a point when each family needs to just focus on it's own members and let the extended family go a little.

My immediate family is my priority. We do our best to make sure our whole family supports each member in their activities. The older they get, the more schedule conflicts we have, but we do our best. We invite grandparents to many events, too, but my parents live out of state and my in-laws are really lame, so normally it's just our family--and I'm OK with that.

As far as not being invited to events--are you sure "everyone" else is invited? Do they choose not to invite you because you are so busy with your own large family? Are your siblings closer to each other (location or relationship-wise) than to you? Chances are they're not consciously saying, "Hey, let's have a party and invite everyone but Dia." I don't always invite everyone for get-togethers...people's schedules, interests, location, and personalities are different. I enjoy the company of some siblings more than others, and my children get along with some cousins more than others. Also, sometimes there just isn't enough room for everyone.

Please understand I'm not trying to downplay your feelings; they are your feelings & therefore they are legitimate. You obviously know your family & your situation better than I do. I'm just looking at things from a practical standpoint.

[Dia Minha]

I can see your point Natick. However, I just feel like it is a sad day when I can't rely on the support of my immediate family. Because to me, my immediate family is my siblings and in-laws. And those are the people I should be able to go to for unconditional love and support in every aspect of my life, no matter how busy they are.

We quit inviting the family to the "little" events long ago. We only put effort into inviting them to the bigger more meanful events in our and our children's lives. Playing the part of Clara in the Nutcracker is just as important to a 10 year old as getting baptized is to an 8 year old. Being in your first big musical production with your two sons as a 34 year old seems like a pretty big deal to me.

Just as an update, one of my DH brothers did call about Peter Pan tickets tonight. I can't tell you how wonderful it made me feel. The best way I can describe it is, I have tried so hard to love and support them, but it wasn't until I got that love and support in return that I was able to feel safe enough to really feel it. So a little progress is still progress.

[bookworm]

I think this is an interesting situation. I would feel left out if my three sisters got together and I wasn't invited-- my heart would break! But my in-laws do things sometimes that we're not invited to and I don't even care! Probably because I learned a long time ago that spending time with them is not really enjoyable, and some of them aren't good influences on my kids, so the 4 or so times a year we get together is enough!

My sibs aren't very good about attending everything for each other's kids. Some aren't active anymore and have NO interest in the church things, and others are living kind of self-centered lives and just don't make time for their nephews or nieces, but I'm really okay with that. I invite everyone, including the in-laws, who seldom attend (except the parents) anything, but I do it without any expectation. Then I'm not disappointed. In fact, I usually invite my sibs by email and include the caveat that if they're busy I understand. It's a lot to ask people to come out to Tooele to listen to Adam play one song on the piano in a recital.

Would it be possible to talk to your sibs (one on one or as a group) and kind of get a feel for why they don't come to things? If you can shift your expectations a little, maybe you won't feel so disappointed when they don't "support" you. That's another point-- maybe they don't define support the same way you do!

Your post reminded me of a blog I wrote here about friendship not too long ago. I am disappointed that someone I consider one of my closest friends didn't (and doesn't ) behave the way I would have in the same situation reversed. It really upset me a lot! But the truth is, maybe my expectations far exceed what hers are, and I just need to relax and allow her to be the kind of friend she is.

Are you expecting these family members to be as selfless and generous with their time as you are? That might be an unrealistic expectation.

You said: "And those are the people I should be able to go to for unconditional love and support in every aspect of my life, no matter how busy they are." You sound like you are equating their attendance at performances, parties, etc. with how much they love you. I think that might be a bit unfair to them. Yes, some of them may just be selfish (like some of mine) or some of them might just be careless, but it doesn't mean they don't love you. Hopefully your relationships aren't dependent solely on that kind of "support"!

This sounds like a deeper issue than just "they don't come when they're invited"... this sounds like you are disappointed in your relationships with the sibs on both sides. Do you think they feel the same way? Sometimes siblings are like friendships-- like it or not. Some of them are just closer than others. Some are more supportive than others. I know which sibs I can count on for what. I have my older sister, whom I can tell almost anything to and feel validated, we have the most in common and are the most alike. I have my brother whom I can ask for help with physical things, like moving, or computer things, but don't even approach him with anything emotional or he will shut you down so fast you'll fall over. Etc., etc...

I hope this isn't too much of my opinions. I don't have it all figured out. But you have a great marriage and a good ward and wonderful parents, so maybe just focus on the positive and try to allow others to be however they are... then you can do what YOU feel is right without feeling so disappointed when others don't see their role the way you see yours...

Sorry if this sounds bossy or preachy... I tend to get typing and can't stop myself!!

[5ft Diva]

That was beautifully put, BW.

[Erudite]

Dia, I have similar feelings about my siblings, parents, siblings-in-law, and parents-in-laws who rarely attend the important events of my children's lives. What I've found is that my love language is attention. I suffer from attention deprivation, because I grew up a middle child (forgotten child) in a large family. So how much I perceive their love has a direct correlation to how much attention they show me and my children. So I don't feel loved when they don't show any attention of my presence....or at least I didn't. After learning about the love languages, I began asking my siblings what their love languages were, because I figured it wasn't attention because if it were, that would be how they'd be responding to me. It was my hope that I could communicate with them in THEIR language so that at least they could feel that I loved them. It doesn't work very well as I don't know their languages; none would tell me though I have good guesses for some of them.

Anyway, my point is your love languages, as BW said quite well, might be different. And because they don't appear to be speaking your language, you don't feel loved. At least that is how I feel. But when I look at situations with my family from the perspective of all the languages, I can see that small efforts at communication with each other, at the very least, are the love signals that I need to hold on to.

As far as my in-laws, they're still a bit of a mystery to me. My MIL's language is listening...as in she needs to be listened to. So I try my best to listen. It's not always easy because if you let her, she'll forget you're even there and the conversation becomes terrifically one-sided and frankly that's a little hurtful. But if I keep in mind that I'm showing love by listening, it helps. I have asked that she be a bit more conscientious about listening to my response when she actually asks me a question and she has tried hard since then.

We all want our close family members to communicate in the language we hear as love, but do we do that for them? The very fact that we feel unloved is evidence that they don't, but are we alone in that?

Several months back I had a conversation with the sister who is 15 months younger than me. I found out (and you'd think I'd have known this a LONG time ago) that she too felt (and feels) forgotten and unloved in our family. EXACTLY how I felt. She is also a middle child in a large family, but I'd been so wrapped up my feelings I'd forgotten that my other siblings might have very similar issues and need the exact TLC that I so crave. Looking to attempt to meet their needs in THEIR language has really helped me see my 8 siblings as individuals with strengths and weaknesses just like mine.

The sister just older than me...I think her language is service. She feels love when she is served OR we serve with her. She lives with my parents and is constantly doing for them; the only time I ever see her upset is when the rest of us don't quite do enough when we can. So when I'm there, I make every effort to work beside her. She's an amazing example, but it wasn't till I started watching her for her love language that I began to see that.

Anyway...I hope some of that helps. It's tough to get over that feeling of being unloved, especially when things do appear so hurtful. These are eternal relationships though so they are totally worth the effort to repair and develop.

[natickgirl]

Good thoughts, E! That makes a lot of sense.

[Dia Minha]

It's funny that you should bring that up E, because that is what I have been thinking about these last couple of days. It has really opened my eyes and I have been able to look at my in-laws and siblings in a whole new way. It is still hurtful, but I don't feel angry anymore.

I believe my in-laws love language is gifts (if there is such a thing). And my husband and I are not gift givers, in the same since. We love to give, but only when we know what the reciever would really like or need. We don't just give gifts because of a birthday or holiday and I have often wondered how many we have offended because of that fact. We have tried to communicate this to our loved ones.

Thanks so much for all your thoughts. They have been truly helpful.

The other thing I have been thinking a lot about is why is it so important to me. I see families that are closer and do things together all the time and I remember when I was young and my family would do things together and I crave that. I have such a hard time making connections and in a way family seems safer than friends, because they are supposed to love you, no matter what. Besides the fact we have been commanded by our living day prophets and apostles that we should maintain healthy relationships with our families. So I'm more willing to put in an effort with them and it is hard to feel rejected.

I don't know what my love language is. I'm thinking maybe I should get a hold of a copy of the book and figure it out.

Thanks again ladies. You have been very helpful and I appreciate it so much.