In-Law Difficulties

[Dia Minha]

I just found out that there is another family get together tonight on my DH side that we were not invited to. In fact, it is out here in Tooele. That is how I found out about it. I ran into his brother at Maceys. This is not the first time, nor, I'm sure, will it be the last.

I tend to have major anxiety when around his family and I have been afraid that I have not been hiding very well. Especially after my sister-in-law gave birth to twin boys soon after I lost my little boy. There are many reasons for this and too many to go into right now. Lets just say I don't feel safe. I feel like we do not get invited, because they have picked up on my discomfort.

However, we are always invited to the big things, like baptisms and baby blessings and the more I'm not invited to the birthday parties and camping trips, the more anxiety I feel at the other events. I try really hard not to let it bother me, but it does. Does anyone have any suggestions or comforting words they can offer?

[bookworm]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. Although I can't sympathize with the exact thing you're going through, I do understand similar emotions. We all know insensitive people, I think.

I wonder if DH could have a chat with the Matriarch or Patriarch or whomever it is that is planning these get-togethers that you aren't invited to?

It seems to me that the only way you'll move past your anxiety is to feel loved, wanted and included! Well, maybe not the ONLY way, but the best way I can think of...

Honestly I'm shocked that leaving your family out is what they think you want-- in my family when tough things happen, we don't let it change who is invited to what- I just can't wrap my head around it, Dia. How thoughtless! I would think they would invite your family at least to include your kids and then let YOU decide if you were up to attending or not!

Sorry, this probably isn't helping. Just know I love you and DO understand. I wish I had a suggestion for you. The only thing I can think of is for DH to talk to someone and mention that your family would like to be invited to everything again! DUH...

Okay, after pausing to think, this is what I came up with: my real advice would be to pray for charity toward them, for the strength to forgive them AND ask the Lord to help reduce your anxiety. Much easier to say than to do, I know...charity can be such a challenge, but it really is the key to so many things. Maybe DH could give you a blessing before the next get-together or something...

Good luck, Dia.

[runamyrun]

I am sorry. A few years ago I was going through a similar situation with DH's family, mainly his parents. It was extremely hurtful to me. For the first little while, I kept it inside. After a while, DH noticed what was going on and it was hurting him too. When he felt that way, I knew I wasn't just being overly sensitive. After a couple of years of it building up (we are non-confrontational people), we couldn't handle it anymore, especially since it was affecting our kids. I don't know if we handled it the best way, but it worked. DH ended up talking to his sister (who was also a part of it) about how it was hurting us. He explained everything from our point of view. His sister explained that DH's parents had no idea that it was hurting us. They hadn't even thought about it. When I realized it was more about their personality, it was a little easier to handle. I don't know if DH ever officially talked to his parents about how we were feeling, but I know his sister did, and it really helped. Ever since then, if they leave us out for some reason, we make sure to stand up for ourselves. It has really helped, and I know my in-laws are trying hard.

I don't know the exact situation with your in-laws, so I don't know if that helps or not. If not, I agree with what Bookworm said. Good luck!

[Dia Minha]

I really appreciate both of your thoughts.

I need to add, that I own this. I feel the way I feel, but they don't "make" me feel that way. I just don't understand how to change it.

Talking to them might help, but then again if I weren't their sister-in-law, I most likely would not be their friend, so they shouldn't invite me to those type of activities anyway, right? I just don't understand why I feel so let out, mis-understood, or whatever. I think the other problem is that they are kind of last minute people and the times the have invited us we have already had plans, so I'm sure they get frustrated getting turned down and quit asking. Although we have tried to fix that and plan our own get-togethers in advance, and no one comes so, I don't know.

Any way, thanks for letting me process anyway.

[Big_Sissy]

My take, as a man, is that your DH needs to tell them you want to be invited to everything. If you decide you can't come that's fine, but they need to invite/include you and your family.

the conversation would go something like this.

DH: Hey why didn't you invite us to xxxxx occasion?

P: We didn't think you wanted to come.

DH: You never know unless you ask, and we would like to be included even if we can't go/attend.

P: Ahh okay, sorry about that -- we'll try and include you in all family events.

DH: Thanks that would be great.

I know that went too well, but that is how a conversation would go for me and anyone in my family. though admittedly we don't have that problem. And quite frankly, I don't have a problem inviting myself if for some reason we are left out.

I am sorry you are feeling this way though, it's not fun. But take control of the situation and make it better. You cannot control others, but you can control yourself. If they want to be insensitive, take the side road. Call and see what you can bring since you didn't get the email etc. Their are a lot of different ways you can skirt the issue if you are creative about it.

I'm just glad I don't have drama in any of my main relationships -- of course if their was, I'd put a stop to it straight away. People treat you the way you let them. If you don't let them it will stop.

I know I'm being a bit harsh, but sometimes you just have to stand on your own two feet and get it done.

[5ft Diva]

I get what you're saying, BS, and I agree.

[Erudite]

So the real question is...why do we all feel this way? I have the same kinds of feelings toward my in-laws. They are lovely people in person, but so insensitive (and oblivious) about events. I daresay that's because my DH comes from a tiny family and events were never events in their lives. I come from a big family and events were big. But I've been in this family for 15 years now...when am I or they gonna learn?

And I also thought it was just me until my DH was so mad he couldn't hardly talk over them not including us in the wedding plans of his younger brother.

I too am trying hard at the "it's their personality" route and the "charity" route and trying to figure out how to point out that IT HURTS, but haven't quite been successful at these routes. My sister has helped me phrase things a couple of times so that I can figure out how to talk to them about the things that bug me, because I have 15 years of "just clamming up" on my side.

For me, I've got to tell myself that they ARE lovely people and they certainly don't mean to hurt my feelings and I just need to communicate, so why is it still so hard?

[Dia Minha]

I'm not ignoring, I'm processing. Thanks!

[Big_Sissy]

I've been really thinking about this and have some questions.

What is the means of communications for events? Is it email? Phone call?

It occurred to me that they may not actually be the problem. Have you ever considered that your response or reaction could be off putting? Is it possible that you are the one putting off a feeling that you don't want to be bothered.

I really am sorry any of you get to deal with this. I am just so no-nonsense when it comes to stuff like this. My in-laws sometimes don't include us (at least I don't hear about it) and on one occasion I was a little hurt (very little mind you) because I didn't think we were included. However after looking at the situation further I realized that for them it comes down to not wanting to get turned down. So I think they just don't ask because they don't want to hear no. They have feelings too, and certainly want to protect themselves as well.

Invariably with 2 sets of extended families you get conflicting events. In our case we simply enjoy my family events more (I know I do), so Diva's family often is told no we are going to BS' family event. So it's completely understandable that they might think we wouldn't want to come anyway.

Anyway, it's just something to think about.

[missypoohsticks]

The EXACT same thing happens to us with my in-laws. In my husband's family, the boys are treated A LOT different than the girls. Because it has been happening his whole life, it doesn't bother him, but it REALLY bothers me.
The latest incident was when his family Easter party and my family Easter party were the same day an hour apart. My family had invited us first and were going to eat first and then hunt eggs. Keeping in mind that my family and his family live about 7 minutes away from each other, my mother in law wouldn't eat first and then do the egg hunt so that my kids could be there for it. I KNOW that if it were one of my sister in laws in that situation, she would have re-arranged it.
We have also walked in on a couple of "parties" that we weren't invited to. When we asked about them and why we weren't invited, we were told that everyone just showed up and it was a spontaneous thing. I guess they just "spontaneously" brought salads with them.....
I haven't really learned how to deal with this in the past 17 years, so I'm not much help. I don't feel like I can say anything because it's not my family, but it doesn't bother him as much as it does me. I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand.

[5ft Diva]

This doesn't really answer your question, but I just thought I'd share my own experiences to shed a different light on in-law difficulties.

I grew up with only one sister and four brothers (three of which are married) so the only "girls" in the family were me, my sister (who is still single), and my mom. One day I got to talking to my mom and sister about getting together for a girls' weekend. We all thought it would be a blast. We started planning the weekend and then I asked about how much room we'd need to invite my other three sisters-in-law. My mom and my sister got really quiet and said that this weekend was only for family. My response was that they are family and I let them know that if my in-laws ever did that to me it would hurt my feelings so badly. They didn't agree nor did they care and wouldn't have anything to do w/ inviting them to "this one". Now, let me tell you, that the apple didn't fall very far from the tree. My grandma (my mom's mom) has five boys and five girls who are all married so technically she has 10 daughters and 10 sons, but still only feels she has five daughters and five sons. When she wants to do things w/ her daughters she's only talking about the ones she gave birth to. Even the granddaughters aren't invited and if we do show up she's not very happy about it and lets us know we weren't invited. It's very sad. On a side note, I invited all of the women from my side of the family to lunch one day. My mom and sister really had a hard time w/ it, especially my sister. I just had no idea how hard change was for her and THIS IS CHANGE. Don't ask me why, I'm just glad I don't have a hard time w/ it.

So my point is, that a lot of time it's a family culture and so you have to ask yourself how many different family cultures are being put in the mix here w/ your situation. This is why it's so important to put yourself out there and say how you feel about what's going on because you just may be breaking tradition.

I got very lucky. My MIL feels the same as me about family gatherings. Everybody is family and the more the merrier. She has told me from day one that she considers me a daughter and I know she does. All the women on BS's side understand that it's hurtful to find out that you weren't invited to something. When we first moved out here to Tooele they did consciously choose to not invite me to some things that were planned at the last minute. I told them that I at least wanted to be given the opportunity to go. Since then I'm invited to everything. That again is the making of our own family culture and with BS's parents having nine children who are all married - you can begin to imagine how many different cultures that brings in!

Take it for what it's worth.