Listening vs. offering suggestions

[5ft Diva]

In order to get an answer that will help me I need to tell you first of an experience I've had recently:

I was talking to a couple of friends and one of them started sharing some things with me and the other party about herself that she wanted to fix. Because she was being specific about the things she wanted to fix (and even at one point asked what she needed to do) I thought she was open to suggestions. So I just offered ideas that I had and some options that I saw were open to her.

Instead of hearing me out she cut me off and then in a passive aggressive way went on to tell the other person we were both talking to that it isn't helpful to solve other people's problems because it only comes across as criticism. (Can you say ouch?! It actually really embarrassed me.) I quickly took her cue and didn't say another word regarding this topic, but was quite perplexed because I really thought she was asking for help. After giving this some thought I have come to the conclusion that she was more asking herself than her audience what she should do.

This leads into my question: How can you tell when those you are listening to want your suggestions and when they want you to listen? I mean, I know the obvious way is to just come out and ask, but are there some social cues (particularly the subtle ones) that give us this information?

[Erudite]

Wow. Great question. I would have said, "come right out and ask" but you already covered that base, which meant I thought a little deeper on the subject. Unfortunately, I'm not totally sure, but I have some guesses. So based on my need to talk and be heard...I would GUESS that someone who is talking very fast and very emotional is not ready to hear anything new on the subject. Attempting to put anything into that, no matter how good and useful, isn't going come across as constructive, because the person hasn't fully worked through the issue for themselves and when we offer suggestions before that's happened, the person feels unheard. They are eventually (hopefully) going to come the point where all has been heard and become open to suggestion, but until everything has been "spilled" out, they don't feel heard all the way.

The hard part is that the person might need to talk to several people telling the situation over and over and adding new details before that occurs. I think you know the experience I'm referencing in coming up with this guess. You were the 2nd person to hear me and I finally worked through all my angst, but the first person didn't like it when I wasn't ready to hear suggestions. He does it better now btw...

So what do think? Can that be a clue?

[5ft Diva]

That actually makes total sense and the word that jumped out at me as you said that was 'emotional' which she definitely was. A good sign to look for next time indeed! I am grateful for the opportunity to practice this in my daily relationships....especially with my kids. They're always emotional when it comes to looking for help with stuff like...homework.