Needing advice

[5ft Diva]

I need to figure out how to respond to someone that rubs me the wrong way in a way that is not full of the emotions I have for them. I can't avoid seeing this person, either. My gut feeling on the matter is to answer "textbook-like" and put up a barrier while I try to figure out where all the emotions are coming from because I do recognize it's my problem, not the other person's. So my question is, how do I do that? How do I become objective/non-emotional in my responses to this person? What are the tools I need to do this and how do I use them for this purpose?

[5ft Diva]

Hmmmm....maybe this question is confusing???

[Dia Minha]

Diva, I have thought about commenting several times. However, I don't have much to say other than there is a person in my life that does the same thing to me. It wasn't until others noticed that the tone in my voice and even the way I held my body changed when I would come in contact with this person, that I realized it was something that was affecting those around me.

I don't know if this is the right answer, but it is what has worked with me. I hesitate to share it, because I don't want to come across as being fake or untrustworthy. My theory is to "fake it 'til you make it".

Once I noticed the problem I worked really hard to treat her just like any other person I would come in contact with. It hasn't always been easy. There are sometimes I resort back to old habits, because it is easier. However, I have recently noticed that I react to this person in a more positive way.

It also just occurred to me that I have been working really hard to think about this persons positive attributes. This is hard for me because the things she is best at, I am not so good at.

I know I have not answered your questions, but hopefully sharing my example will help in some way.

[Meticulous madness]

Sorry Diva. I do think the question is a bit confusing. Maybe confusing isn't the right word, though. Because I do understand what your asking. I just think there aren't enough facts (atleast for me). it's definitely an interesting topic, though.

I think that you'd almost need to be more specific to get an answer that might help. Like, how do you know this person or how do you have to interact with them, since you said you have to? Is it somebody that is in your life permanently? Is it short-term?

I'm sure you were trying to be a bit more cryptic in your description. But, I'm just telling you why I hesitated responding. And honestly, I'm more emotional than logical many times - so maybe I wouldn't have any good advice anyway.

Ultimately I believe that if somebody rubs you the wrong way, you shouldn't immediately dismiss it or instantly assume it's your own problem (although knowing you, you've probably given it a lot of thought and you're being fair about it being your issue). I just say that because my old boss would always tell me "Never discount a heebee-jeebee in business or in your personal life."

Maybe a heebee-jeebee is different than being rubbed the wrong way. BUT, I do think that we can attain personal insights and righteous judgments about other people we associate with, for whatever reason.

It's definitely a good idea to think through your feelings, and try to understand where they're coming from.

[5ft Diva]

Yeah, I can see how my vague question doesn't give very much information. Let's see....how I can put this so that this person is still anonymous and I get my answers. This person is not a member of bodynspirit, but I still think it would be easy to know who they are and I don't want other people to get the wrong idea of them because of my personal issue.

This person is like a season. They're here for now, but as soon as the "season" is gone, they will be too. Which, by the way, happens to be one of my concerns as well. I don't want to get to the end of my season and look back on the way I treated this person with regrets. In fact, I know this is where this question stems from.

I think I like the idea of picking one thing to work on a week/month and building from there. (Dia's meal planning solution.) I'm just not sure where to start which is where you all come in. I know I haven't given a lot of information so I don't know how much help can be given. It's kind of like asking for the answer to an algebra question, but I've only given you one component of the problem. Well, I at least thank you for giving it a shot.

[Meticulous madness]

Sorry Diva. I have tried and tried to think of something that might be helpful for you. Nothing's coming to mind.

But, I do think when you mentioned just answering "text book" style, and leaving out the emotions, THAT is probably your best bet. Hopefully you can do that. If you can't ignore them, then you have to just kind of block them out, emotionally. Don't LET them rub you the wrong way. Stop listening if you have to. Only give what you HAVE to give. Atleast for now.

And then once you realize what it is that is bugging you (if it really IS your issue), maybe you can adapt a more permanent solution.

I have a person in my life who gets to me. Again, I'm not sure it's the same thing you're speaking of. But, this person will be in my life long term and I know I have to DEAL. I find that some times I'm not bothered by them as much as others. I'd like to find out what sets me off, so I can steer clear. But, I do notice that there are just some times when I have to tune them out. I can tell that they are just trying to get a rise out of me, and they're doing it for sport (I was thinking about this during Sunday School, when the teacher admitted to habitually making somebody angry for the fun of it). I laughed at the time, but in all honesty...I just do NOT understand this mentality in the least - but WHATEVER.

Anyway, I do find that just KNOWING they are trying to make me angry, or argue with me makes it easier to keep my cool (it's taken many years to get to this point). I find that it bothers these types of people more if you DON'T make a fuss. Since that's their objective in the first place.

Apparently I'm chatty tonight...sorry.

Mainly I just wanted to tell you good luck. I hope you figure it all out and things become easier, during this season. I love ya!

[5ft Diva]

MM, I really appreciate your response. The sentence, "Only give what you HAVE to give" really struck a chord with me. That is exactly what I need to do. I've considered it since writing this thread, but I guess I didn't trust myself enough for fear that it was my emotions talking, but upon hearing it from you, it makes perfect sense and, even better, it's an idea that resonates. So again, thank you!

Also, I've come to the conclusion that this isn't just my problem. The more I've dissected the problem the more I've realized that this person has been enabled all their life to be this way and I just happen to be where the buck stops....lucky me, eh?

Anyway, thank you for helping me through this. Even though you don't know any specifics the advice/insight is timely and extremely helpful.

BTW, I know a couple of people like who you just described and it's beyond me why they choose to create painful and difficult relationships rather than just being a safe person to begin with. Maybe nobody is safe so therefore, they're always on guard and ready to pick a fight even for no reason. That's kind of the reason I've come up with...either way, it's not my style. Much too draining!

Okay, totally diverted - thanks again!

[LostnFound]

Very interesting topic. I can relate to this matter. I don't know if anyone else ever gets frustated like I seem to but what I seem to get frustrated about is when someone rubs me the wrong way, but I can't figure out even why they are rubbing me the wrong way. Do they bring out certain emotions or feelings inside of me that I'm not comfortable with? I'm not sure.

Have you ever had someone in your life that everyone seems to adore, but you feel irritated by this person and you can't put a finger on why?

I have this strong desire to feel warmly about all that thread through my life somehow. So when this happens in my life, I spend great lengths of time trying to find out the cause of my feelings. And sometimes I just can't come to an end of what I am feeling. I find myself just trying to avoid these people if possible. Do you think it's wrong to try as hard as you can to avoid them, or is it better to spend as much time trying to get to know them better to be able to see more of their good qualities? I would like to know what others think? I'm probably just rambling, so I hope I have made sense.

[5ft Diva]

You make lots of sense, lnf. I think it depends on where you are mentally and emotionally. Sometimes it's okay to take on "projects" and other times it's healthier for you to keep your distance. I think you have to make that call and it's okay if it isn't consistent. Most of us experience ups and downs in this life and that's just the way it is.