Saving money or being selfish?

[amberpatomo]

I haven't been on here in a while and this is the first place that popped into my mind when I faced this paticular issue. I need some advice and opinions about how to deal with this situation:

My family and I are heading back to Finland in March of 2010. My husband and I have crunched down on finances to prepare for expenses during this transition. I have always done the budget/finances and have created a spreadsheet of all estimated savings up until the point of leaving. We no longer keep our money in the bank. We cash our check and divide up the money to go into designated places. Like for example: Tithing, bills, taxes and cash in pocket. I usually give my husband about 50-100 a week for gas and misc items. I also give him some to pay for necessary items for when I am not with him (diapers, food, formula and emergency items). If he needs more then I give more from the budget.
We are making small and large sacrifices to ensure our best situation financially for our kids. We will start over again. We will have to buy everything. Economy is not good and we will have to be prepared.

The issue I am having is that I found out recently that my husband has been putting some money away from the money I give him without telling me. He has been doing this for a couple months. He wanted to buy this new coat he loves from Cabela's because he got some gift cards for his birthday. But he didn't have all the money, or so I thought. He had saved up $40 dollars from a couple of weeks in case he "needed" something. I felt a little in the dark and had actually spent all my pocket money on groceries, diapers and other necessary items. I felt like he was only thinking of what he wanted.

Today I found out that he has been saving again. Without talking to me again. So, I asked him... Why are you saving money for yourself when we could put the money you don't use into savings? Or towards things we need? He said he feels like he should be able to do what he wants with his money. But I don't see it as his money. I don't see the money in my purse as MY money. It's for our family. I was a bit shocked to say the least. He got upset for me being hurt.

I am not a spender unless I have the money. If I don't have the money then I will go without. I have been sacrificing my interests for my families needs since I got married. I figure there is going to be a day when we can buy our wants but it's not now.

Am I wrong to be hurt? How do I handle this?

[5ft Diva]

First of all, welcome back, Amber! We've missed you!!!!

So let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly. You and your family are moving back to Finland. You are making financial sacrifices so that you can afford starting over and you are frustrated that your husband is not being completely forthcoming about where he is spending his money.

Did I get that right?

I can't tell you that it's wrong to be hurt by this because our feelings are never wrong. It sounds like you and your husband don't agree, though, about how the money that each of you have in your "pockets" is spent. I can see both sides, there is no right way or wrong way because we all have such differing needs.

Having said this, I understand your husband's position. I would feel the same way if BS got upset about the way I have chosen to spend the money that I have....in fact I would think he was being controlling - we've actually been there. A suggestion to compromise on this would be to come to an agreement for how much 'unaccountable' money he can have a month - that is money he has that he can spend anyway he wants with no judgment from you - as long as it's legal, of course. I think he's actually being quite responsible for the way he's going about it. He's saving the money and didn't just go out and get the coat on an impulse. That is to be commended.

How do I think you should handle this? Communicate! Figure out what both of your needs are. He may have needs that you cannot understand, but that's okay. I don't understand BS's need to spend money on a motorcycle, but it's there. He's much happier when I respect that need. We have worked out how he can meet that need w/o taking advantage of me and vice versa with the needs that I have. We're not perfect at it; it's just works most days. When it doesn't work is when one of us is being selfish.

Good luck!

[natickgirl]

Money matters are so tricky in a relationship, and they are especially tough when you are the one in the family who keeps tabs on income & expenditures.
I, too, pay the bills and tend to be the "miser" and saver in our family. I would rather go without or put money toward something more necessary or practical. It's the way I was raised.

Like 5ft said, communication is the key. For years, I would just get resentful or angry--now we discuss things more calmly. My husband has come a long way in curbing his expenditures...now he actually discussed major purchases (computer, fridge, TV, etc.) with me beforehand.

However, one thing I've learned along the way that it is OK and even healthy to "splurge" every now & then and not always be so uptight and practical. I'm not talking about going into debt, but spending a little here & there is OK! It really is. It's taken me a lot of years to realize that. If your husband feels like he wants/needs a new coat, and he's willing to save for it...I'd say let him get it. Perhaps your husband is so stressed about the upcoming move that he needs to buy himself a little treat.

Honestly, if it hadn't been for my husband, we would have a lot more money in the bank, but live a very boring life. I'm all for lots of money, but you do need to live a little!

[Big_Sissy]

Nothing really to add other than we've all been there.

Just make sure you each have some "Blow Money" and the problem will go away. Diva's grandma always believed that a girl should have $5 in her pocket just to blow. We agree with this and have set that up in our budget. I have blow money and so does she. I don't care what she spends it on and she doesn't care what I spend mine on.

[5ft Diva]

Uh.....correction. That's $20 ever girl should have in her pocket. And with inflation over the last 14 years we're definitely looking at around $50. This has been a very rewarding conversation!

[Erudite]

Interesting thoughts. I don't know you Amber, but when I read your note above, I wondered at the "I give him" part. I say that because words can indicate a lot of different things. For example, my in-laws always refer to me as their "son's wife". I am, of course, but it drives me nuts that I am not their "daughter-in-law", because I want to have a relationship with them that is Mother/Father and daughter, rather than an occasional participant in family events that "son's wife" sounds like to me. And honestly, for the first 10 years of our marriage that is what I felt like and was too often treated like. I've never known how to express that to them and finally just worked through it and stopped worrying about it.

So, I bring that up because it kinda sounds like maybe that's what you're dealing with...your language choices are affecting his actions because they cause him to feel a certain way. It sounds like you control the money and "give" him some. And even though you think of it as the family's money, the way you talk about it makes him not feel like part of the process of deciding what happens to the family's money. So he feels like he's being given an "allowance" like a kid is given and to add insult to injury...he's told just what he has to spend it on and you get upset when he makes a different choice. But since you've "given" him the money, the money is his...in his mind. Thus he is choosing to spend/save it in a way that gives him some control over the money. I hope that makes sense, because I in no way want to offend you.

As others have said, it sounds like a communication problem. He ought to be a part of the process of deciding how much money is needed where and at the same time needs to communicate his needs. You may need to see this as an opportunity to learn more about him and become closer to him so that you can better understand his needs and he understand yours. And like me and my in-laws, you'll have to change you because they aren't going to change...especially when they don't realize there's a problem; how can they possibly know that a couple of simple words like "son's wife" vs. "daughter-in-law" makes me feel left out? But it has...for a long time.

It's scary how often language choices are blown out of proportion because of the way they've been understood. I re-wrote this carefully to communicate what I meant, but I probably didn't. Again, I hope it doesn't offend you.

[Big_Sissy]

Originally Posted by 5ft Diva

Uh.....correction. That's $20 ever girl should have in her pocket. And with inflation over the last 14 years we're definitely looking at around $50. This has been a very rewarding conversation!

Uhm, I do believe you get something similar to that...

[amberpatomo]

Okay... Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I was "processing" (read the processing post by diva today... LOL) my thoughts about what you all had to say. The thing I was most hurt/confused about was that he didn't let me in on his choice.

First - We have solved the situation and are now moving forward. We decided to create a sort of blow money set up like BS and Diva have in place. However considering our future plans we have to be concious of every dollar that comes in. That being said we are going to vary the amount of money every month based on the needs of the family.

Diva - Communication is key when it comes to these sensitive issues. I agree with you. I am starting to be more willing to accept advice from DH regarding a lot of issues. The thing is we have been married 6 years and in that time I have done the majority of the decision making. Not by choice but because things weren't happening or starting. By his own admission he did not want the responsibility of being the decision maker. He sort of checked out of that role early in our marriage. This is another topic all together but after a few years of ups and downs we have come to a middle ground on most all things. He is responsible for a few key things and I am responsible for a few independently. The money situation never seemed to be completely ironed out. Writing here I think started the dialogue.

NG - I do think you are right on the splurging once in a while. I think if the circumstances were different I would see that happening more often. The major issue is that the dollar is WEAK right now. We are trying to end up with at least 6,000 euros when we are done saving. That would be about 10,000 U.S. dollars that we would have to gatther. We lose a significant amount of money by transferring. So if I splurge $25 or $30 here and there that would add up to a lot of money lost in the end. But it's still important. We do splurge on our kids. We do take them out to experience life (pumpkin patch, halloween boat ride, lagoon, movies and etc.) but we have to cut out something to do that. I have at least cut out my wants for now. My DH also has done this but was hoping to create a way to eventually get his wants. Which is okay with me, I just wanted to feel included in those plans. Which then maybe I wouldn't have such a boring life sometimes... Cause I am a penny pincher too!

BS - Our plans to fix this issue come straight from your post... So thanks!

Erudite - I echo to you what I mentioned earlier to Diva. I have been the decision maker in our marriage for the most part and when I made those language choices it was because I truly feel/felt 100% responsible. It's hard to go from almost always hearing "whatever you think dear" to "I want to be involved". I know he needs to take part in the decision making process and I did in fact know this at day one. We are not struggling so much anymore but I do think money and the future are sort of overwhelming to my DH. He wants to take part but he is reluctant. He doesn't want to make a mistake. He knows he can trust that I will follow through. He knows I won't spend the money irresponsibly. We have experienced some major financial struggles together this past year and I do think that has given him more interest and desire to be involved financially. So yes I do need to work on my wording and use we instead of me. It's important for him to feel like my partner.

Thanks for your input. I really do appreciate your advice!

[5ft Diva]

The thing I was most hurt/confused about was that he didn't let me in on his choice.

I totally get this. I don't know your DH's reason for not telling you, but I have found that sometimes we decide things inside our heads and don't realize that the world around us is completely oblivious to our plans because we think that everybody else sees our world the way we do - or worse, that we somehow had a conversation with them that did in fact only take place inside our head. Something I'm definitely guilty of doing!

Glad you got this worked out, Amber. Kuddos to your husband for being willing to take on more responsibility. I sat in on a men's discussion once of what it was like to be responsible for a family (spiritually, mentally, temporally, physically) and my perception of them and the way they respond to us [their wives and children] was forever changed. I commend husbands and fathers who willingly and nobly take on their responsibilities amidst everything they are facing today. It sounds like you've been very patient as well as you've stood by patiently waiting for him to take the reigns.

You're awesome!!!!

[Big_Sissy]

Just my thoughts, but him not letting you in on the choice is part of the "blow money" theory.

I can tell you from experience -- my own -- that you will want to control the situation. Not long ago, I was in a similar situation dealing with the purchase of a membership that was in the end none-of-my-business, because it was purchased with blow money.

So I really do understand the hurt -- I was hurt too, but in the end I had to realize that it was really none of my business. Letting that go for me was not easy, but I knew, and I think you do too, that we need to allow each other some anonymity. Blow money provides that outlet to some degree.

Anyway, for what it's worth, talking about it is the best thing possible, and you've done just that. :thumb