Special Occasions

[5ft Diva]

This thread is dedicated to all the husbands out there who want to be able to read their wife's mind but can't and to the wives that can't get their husbands to understand what's on their mind. I know there are husbands out there who would love to meet their wife's expectations when it comes to special dates (this is hypothetical of course) - such as Valentine's day, birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day - just to name a few, but can't simply because they forget and don't understand how important it is to remember. What would you say to help them understand why it is so important to remember that special someone on that special day? And....what are some ideas of how it can be said?

This is your chance ladies....beware, no husband (or wife) bashing. This is for educational purposes only.

[Dia Minha]

Let me warn you in advance, I will ramble. I like to paint pictures with words. I am not very good about explaining what it is that I want to say without using a lot of them.

I learned a long time ago that I couldn't expect my DH to read my mind. So with that, let me share with you what I do. For our anniversary it is always a standard night away from the kids. We do not exchange gifts, but together we plan where we are going to stay, what we want to take with us, and we talk about it for weeks in advance. That way there is no forgetting. We are both looking forward to it and putting out the effort to make it happen. Yes, this does take the "Surprise" out of it, but surprises aren't all they are cracked up to be. Sometimes we have to exchange the "Wow" factor for the "It's just the way I imagined it" factor. It's nice, I promise.

For Valentines day, Birthdays, Christmas, or other gift giving occasions I pretty much just tell him for days or even weeks in advance what it is that I need or want, over and over again. I've gotten really good about just slipping into every day conversations. For example, this last V-Day I started talking about needing a nice robe and/or slippers or maybe a nice apron. I would come out wearing his robe and when he would give me a hard time about it, I would just say well if I had my own, really soft, fuzzy, one, I wouldn't need to use yours. I would tell him stories about dropping kids off at their friend's and the lady of the house answering the door in a cute apron, and how nice it would be to have one so I didn't walk around with a wet front, or flour all over my shirt. As the day got closer I worked in little ways to remind him when Valentine's Day was. Like slipping in an occassional I can't wait until Wednesday to give you your surprise. Or, Wednesday I think we should have tamale pie for dinner, because I can make it in a heart shape for Valentine's. Because I also like to be surprised I will give him several options and he chooses from the list. I also reminded him that chocolate was not an option on my food plan (unless it was FF SF pudding). That way I get exactly what it is I need or want and also get to be surprised at the same time. (By the way, when I got out of the shower on Valentine's a beautiful, soft, fuzzy, robe was hanging on the hook.)

If you are just teaching your husbands this trick you might need to start off slow, like leaving a list of things you would like on post it notes on the mirror or on his car window, with the date and day of the week right on it. At the same time bring it up at every possible moment. As he starts to learn he will start to pick up on the clues, and you won't need to leave as many notes, or drop as many clues. And don't give up. I've been at this for almost ten years and I still can't seem to get my stocking stuffed. Next year I think I'm just going to do it myself. Then, I won't have to explain to the kids that it wasn't because mommy was bad that she didn't get anything and I can get all the little hand lotion and bubble bath I want.

This was fun. Thanks for starting 5D. I can't wait to see what everyone else has to say.

Dia

[Big_Sissy]

I'm going to say one thing. DIA IS SMART!!!!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Men, in general are very dumb when it comes to this stuff. If you don't tell us (usually a lot) then we simply won't remember. Seriously, you can say it's a cop out, but it's the truth. We don't care that much about that stuff, therefore we don't spend many brain cycles (we don't have many to spare ) thinking of this stuff.

So again, MIA, you are one smart woman. :thumb

[Dia Minha]

Hey thanks BS. I sure try to be. When it comes to relationships though I have to give the credit to my sisters and my mom. I married someone so much like my dad it can be funny at times. And I learned a lot from my sister's experiences.

Dia

[Erudite]

I'd like to take a moment and tell you why you need to let your significant other understand that this is important...brain cycles need to be allotted for this, BS.

It's that whole love language thing. Women tend to need to have it said to them in ALL the love languages: gifts, time, words, actions, and touches. Otherwise you aren't fully telling you love them. Gifts, that are actually appreciated by the recipient, speak in the gift language because you thought about what would please her. Gifts also show you took time to think about her. And gifts are actions that show you appreciate her. Include a gushy card and a hug and kiss, and you got words and touches. It's a 5 times over whammy of love that is a huge deposit in her emotional bank. And when you fill it at every event that is important to her, and a couple more events that are just fun (St. Patricks day is coming...green is one of her good colors...), and 1 or 2 that are come out of the blue...you can guarantee your marriage will be better than you ever imagined. Thinking that much about her needs and wants (and helping her to do the same for you) is what it is all about. Gifts are practice for making a marriage lasting, intimate, and fun!

I'm lucky enough to be married to a husband who doesn't need reminders or clues to get it right (actually it's me who needs the clues to get it right for him...remember the legos?), so I know whereof I speak. He fills my bank on a regular basis in his thoughtfulness and that gives me wings to fly. It's important! :a050 Let your husband understand that it is by explaining how you understand his expressions (or lack) of love.

[Dia Minha]

I was just thinking about this topic while folding some laundry and I just had to add.

Today is my DH and I tenth anniversary of the day we met. Now I remembered and I don't know if he did or not. Either way when I realized the day I instant messaged him the following:"Ten years ago tonight, I met the most amazing man, who kissed me on the top of my head, and made me so weak in the knees I almost fainted." He wrote back: "I met the most amazing woman who danced up a storm and smiled her way into my life." Now I post this, because it made me feel good. Who cares if he remembered before what day it was. Who cares if it isn't has important to him as it is to me. I could have just fretted and stewed all day about whether or not he remembered and then have been upset when he got home, because he didn't or, I could bring it up and talk about it and now we have at home date plans when the kids go to bed and I can be happy and look forward to this evening.

All this reminded me of a book I read a while ago called "Confessions of an Unbalanced Women". It is a very easy, quick, reader if you haven't read it, you should give it ago. In there the author (and of course I can't remember her name, I'm actually surprised I remember the title) talks about us women expecting our men to be like those in the movies. She specifically talks about the movie "Only You", where the man reads the womens mind and knows exactly what jelewry she needs from the room when she is in the bathroom and buys her a pair of shoes, exactly the right color and size. Hollywood sets us up to expect the impossible. No one can read our minds. The people who know us best can at the most, guess.

I recall an image I had once, I don't know if it was in a movie or a book or just in my own imagination, but a couple in the midst of a divorice are fighting. She states something along the lines of that is exactly what I wanted. He answers back, I didn't know that, I could have done that, you never told me.

Like E I have to admit, I'm very lucky. My husband is very good about doing the little things that matter. However, he knows what those things are, because I have told him. We can never expect anyone, even our husbands, to guess about what it is that we want, and then be dissappointed when he doesn't get it. Tell him, or be happy with what you get.

Sorry, I'm getting a little passionate over this. I have watched several marriages around me fail, for this very reason. I'm bound and determined that mine will not. And not only will it not, it will be the best it can be.

Dia

[amberpatomo]

I can't tell you how right Erudite is on this issue. I totally agree with the love language thing. In the short time I have been married I have noticed a big change in the way my husband and I communicate what we want or need.

At first when you are courting eachother you almost would do anything for the others attention. Like Teeny said in a different post that her husband took her to Disneyland for a date!!!

You comb your hair nice. You try to smell good. You wear your best clothes and perfume/cologne. You watch what you would say. You offer compliments. You open doors. You spent time alone. You listened more. You asked questions. You gave gifts. And whatever else to impress. You had only the both of you.

Now...... For me I still get some of those things but now our lives have shifted. We don't have the time, the money, the energy or the clothes that fit to do those things all the time. For women I think when we get married that we will always have that "spark". Then reality hits.

I understand BS that men aren't constantly thinking about giving/needing affection or tokens of love but I do know that marriage involves two very different people with very different needs (I know it's a cruel union ).

I want to share with all of you something the man who married us said:

When the youth of today reach the age of marriage, they sometimes become very selfish.
In a marriage we cannot be selfish.
Antti, always think of her first.
Amber, always think of him first.
If you do that, you will have a great marriage.
Antti, make sure you remember two dates in your life and everything will be great.
One is today, it will be your anniversary from now on, and the other is Amber's birthday... That will save you a lot of trouble.

That is up on our wall. A good friend wrote down what was said and put it in a frame for us. I cherish those words because it came from a very wise man who was about to celebrate his 56th wedding anniversary. He told Antti to always treat me as the bride I was for him that day.

I believe that is what anniversaries and birthdays are for. In our crazy lives we (men and women) will not have the brain cycles to be in tune with eachothers love language all the time. These times are special for just that. Put a reminder somewhere. Anywhere!

I have learned that I cannot ALWAYS expect my husband to know that I need some affection but I know that we must put eachother on the front of our minds. If you do this you cannot go wrong. You cannot fail at showing the effort when your spouse is your top priority.

Our mans needs are just as important as ours (for my husband those are: playing hockey, computer games, polishing boots, cleaning out garage, and you all know that one thing ).

I am no expert by far, just some thoughts.

[teeny]

This is a really interesting subject because I was just the other day talking to someone about it. I completely agree with Dia on this. I always find ways to hint to my husband about what I want for my birthday etc., that way I'm never disappointed. I think guys just want to make their wives happy. (if they love them, of course!) We also do the same thing as you Dia, which is we plan to go somewhere or just do something really special for our anniversary. We do the every other year thing, so every other year we have a chance to surprise the other one. Although, when it's his turn, I still make sure to talk to him about it, and I mean saying things like, "So..... where are ya taking me this year for our anniversary?!) and kind of turn it into a game that's fun for both of us. If he happened to not be thinking about it (which I think for men is very possible) then there is his reminder, and if he was thinking about it, he just get's to play a fun "keep a secret" game with me. If it's something like I want something specific for a birthday or Christmas, then I definitely throw out hints, like we're walking thru the store and I see the thing I want and I say "Wow, I really like this! It would be soooo awesome if "someone" would get this for me for Christmas/my birthday!!" That way he knows exactly what I want, and it make it a heck of a lot easier for him. Then again, I think I've been lucky to be married to someone who understands how important those special occasions are anyway and so he always does everything he can to make them special. I think with my hints it just makes it even better for both of us. Today being my birthday, I wrote on another thread that I was bummed because we wouldn't be doing anything today, but I was okay with it because I understand how big the reason was and agree with it, but.... he just called me and it sounds like he may be getting the painting done by 6 or so, so we'll still have time to celebrate!!! Yeah! This year I didn't drop any hints for a gift because I didn't really want anything specific, so we'll see what he came up with!

[Dia Minha]

I totally agree with what Amber is saying. I love that quote. I want it on my wall. We should always do what we can for our DH and he in return for us. All I'm adding is that if it is important to you that your DH remembers your Birthday and your anniversary then you need to tell him. You need to share with him what he can do to make it a good day.

And yes, post reminders of special dates around the house. We are all busy and we can't expect anybody to remember everything that is important to us. If we are truly thinking of the other one and putting them first, then we would be thinking of what and how we can make their lives better, easier. Don't you think that it is possible that it would be easier for them if we help remind him of those things that are important to us? I do. It's a lot better then making him pay for it later, because he didn't get it right.

I don't know, maybe I'm just not very good about making my point. I guess it's because a lot of times I just don't seem to get it right. It's not that I forget the things that are important to DH, I just always seem to run out of time, or energy to get it all done. And I appreciate that he accepts that and loves whatever little thing I manage to pull off and I just think he deserves the same from me.

Is anyone getting this? I may be reading the posts wrong, but I feel like no one is understanding what it is that I'm trying to get across. Maybe it's my poor spelling or lack of appropriate punctuation. Or maybe it's just that you don't agree, and that's fine too. Anyway I'm not trying to start a debate, I'm just trying to share what has worked for me. However, I can tell you that I forwarded this to my DH and he gets it. I know that he appreciates the effort I put it to letting him know exactly what I need, because he just IM me and told me.

Dia

[Dia Minha]

Teeny, We posted at the same time. We said pretty much the same thing. This might sound really dumb, but thanks. I guess I just needed some outside validation on what I was thinking, (a really bad habit on my part) and you gave it to me.

Dia

[teeny]

Oh, I just remembered that AP mentioned the Disneyland thing and yeah, that was definitely a big thing! When we were dating my husband SPOILED me! I'm not kidding. He always had some kind of surprise for me. And sometimes it was just as simple as him taking me to a restaurant or something, but he would just keep it a secret until we got there. He would pick me up and I would say, "So, where are we going?" and he would say "You'll just have to wait and see!" and it was a lot of fun! The only problem is, is that he spent a lot of money when we were dating and engaged and ever since we got married, he hasn't had that luxury anymore! (bills, kids etc.!) So, if he needs help with stuff, it's how to come up with creative, fun dates that don't cost any money. So, anyway, I think the whole surprise thing started before we were married and it's been fun to continue it.

[teeny]

Yeah, I totally know what you're saying Dia! I figure that what my hubby really wants is to make me happy (he's even said that before) because if I'm happy he's happy! So, if helping him to know what it is that will make me happy will make HIM happy, I'm MORE than happy to oblige! I think I'm a lot funner, and easier to be around when I'm happy, so no wonder that's what makes him happy!

[Dia Minha]

Teeny, that is so funny. That is exactly what I have been trying to say. It took you one paragraph to say what it took my like 10. Thanks again, Dia

[amberpatomo]

Dia, I can totally relate to what you are saying. I agree that I must communicate my wants and desires to my husband especially if there are specifics that I am not revealing. Don't think that I am disagreeing with you. We could talk about this topic forever.

I guess when it comes to this topic I am more focused on just plain putting in our own genuine effort as a husband or a wife. I mentioned before the events when we were dating because at that time most of our thoughts were focused on eachother. We made an effort. Sometimes I think my husband and I put the effort aside because of whatever reason. It becomes devalued in our relationship a little bit. Then when I realize that I am feeling emotionally neglected (not his fault) I turn to him.

I guess my thoughts are directed towards my own relationship because often my husband and I have issues with this sort of thing. We have both come to agree on the just plain remembering the day and showing that he remembers. If he does that alone then I am happy.

[Dia Minha]

Amber, I can totally see that now. In fact, I reread 5D original post and realized that I was concentrating on one aspect and you on the other. So between all of us we got it covered. That is why forums like this are so nice. It makes it easier to share different points of veiw and learn from each others.

Dia

[5ft Diva]

I want you all to know I've loved reading this thread and I'm going to respond, I just need more than 5 mintues to do so. I'll catch ya probably tonight after the kids are in bed!

[runamyrun]

I agree with all of you. My birthday, the first year we were married, was a big disappointment. Growing up, my family always made birthdays a big deal. My husband's family didn't do much for their's. He didn't know how important my birthday was to me. Well, I ended up pouting (which was stupid), and we didn't do anything that night. We talked about it the next day, and we made up for it a couple of days later. After that, I try to do better in letting him know what I want. Usually he will ask me what I want for Christmas or my birthday and I will give him several ideas. That way, it is still a surprise for me, because I don't know which item he will get me, but I am still happy. And there have been several times that he has thought of awesome gifts on his own, that I wouldn't have thought of. I feel lucky to have him! He really tries hard to keep me happy. Isn't it silly that we have this desire for our husbands to be able to read our minds?

And I also agree that we need to put more effort into our relationships. I get so caught up in taking care of my kids, cleaning, etc, that I don't always put my husband first. I need to do better at that.

[5ft Diva]

That's a good point RAR. It is so fun to read all of these posts because I know all of you personally; I can hear you talking while I'm reading the words you've written.

So......I think this thread hit a nerve because the response on it has been huge. I love it! This is what I envisioned when we started up BodynSpirit. Not the hitting a nerve part, the part where we understand ourselves better.

I just want to recap what everyone has said, or what I've gotten from what everyone has said; I want to know I understand - let me know if I'm off in left field.

1) To begin with, I heard that we need to make sure we aren't forgetting our husbands because we so often get caught up in the administrative part of running the household.

2) I also heard that because husbands, in general, forget when a special occasion is coming up and they don't understand how important it is to show that they remember, we need to be proactive when it comes to letting our husbands know what we want and when the event is.

3) I have also heard that in order to feel loved on a special occasion women, in general, need to know they were thought of by their significant other through their actions, words and deeds.

4) I'm hearing that husbands who make an extra effort to capture the special occasions and/or moments in our lives by being willing to listen to our "I want" list (without complaining or making us feel guilty) and showing us that they really do listen and really do care, are the happy husbands with a happy marriage because they have a happy wife who is also a happy mom.

5) Men, in general, really are trying their best to make their wives happy.

6) And finally, women, again - in general, really enjoy a good, well thought-out surprise.

The thoughts that I would add to this (and I put this in first person because I don't know if anyone else feels this way) are that it hurts my feelings if I haven't been remembered the way I've communicated that I'd like to be remembered (husbands, this requires a little, and for some of you, a lot of effort - depending on how natural it is for you). I share my deepest hopes, dreams and fears with my spouse which puts me, I feel, in a vulnerable position. So it hurts my feelings to the core if it is obvious that he didn't take the time to show me that I've been thought about on an occasion that is important to me. I guess that's what I'd say to help husbands understand why it's important to remember their special someone on that special day. I have absolutely no suggestions as to how to get that message across as I'm not very good at it....I'm taking lessons from all of you. I want to add that this is not to say that neglecting to remember a special occasion is intentional, sometimes it's because he put his pride before me but most of the time it's simply because he forgot - but it's hurtful all the same. I suppose it's the ritualistic purging of my feelings that makes the awareness of one's thoughtfulness towards me so fulfilling in every sense of the word and the absence thereof, so painful.

[Dia Minha]

So, 5D, did you get what information you needed? I have read and reread your last post several times and it sounds to me like you understood everything we were all saying. However, I couldn't tell if that was what you were after, or what you needed. It sounded to me that maybe you still needed some help in how to go about it all.

The only thing I can say, is to go about it like your teaching a child to do something. Let's choose clean the bathroom (because I've heard you talk about this before). The very first time this child of yours is responsible for cleaning the bathroom, do you say "Here, take this bottle and this rag and go clean the bathroom". Then, point out all the things he did wrong without then instructing him how to do it right? No, of course not. The first time you are going to go in there with him. You are going to work right along beside him and show him how to spray down and wipe and if it's important to you scrub around the bottom of the tiolet and around the faucet. So the next time he goes in there and he sprays and he wipes, but he doesn't scrub around the bottom of the tiolet and he doesn't scrub around the faucet. So do you say, "Oh, dear, you did it wrong. You didn't scrub this properly."? Well, you might, I know I have on occassion. I do know, however, that I will get a much better result from the child if I say something like, "Wow, that mirror looks wonderful. Do you see anything else that you could do better? What about there around the faucet? Do you think you could do better? Do you need me to help you or show you how?" Now the next time he doesn't do it the way you want it done. Then do you say, "Well, you just can't do it right so I'll just do it myself."? Or do you have that little conversation in your head that says, "Well, it's not the way I would do it, but he did is best. And I think I could live with it."

Sometimes I have to remind myself that in a way we are all children. We are all just learning and learning new things every day. Our husbands are just children. If they have not learned what they need to, then they need to be taught. And if your DH is as clueless has he himself has said, you might have to clean the bathroom with him several times before he gets it, but if he loves you, he will get it. And I know he does. I can read it in his posts.

I hope there is something in here that you needed. It took me all day to write it, so I feel like it is very wordy. Every time I got distracted and had to come back to it I had to reread it and I have to admit sometimes it was confusing even to me. And I knew what I was trying to say.

Dia

[Big_Sissy]

Ok, so this is confession and some background behind why I think this thread was started.

Valentines day. I did NOTHING! I did say it, but that's it.

Birthday... mmm I did tell her happy birthday and I let her know that I was thinking about her, however, I work from home, so getting outside (to the store etc) really takes some planning and I rarely leave my domain, and therefore didn't get her anything either.

Yes, I'm a loser. Yes, I feel bad about it, and yes we have talked about it EXTENSIVELY, and with some of these great ideas have some plans about what to do, and have already started to use them, and I can report that so far it's going WELL!

I did finally go somewhere tonight and got her a few gifts, and a card, because she said it's better late then never. And I'm pleased to report that she was pleased, and I am glad I did it for her, because I do dearly love her.

Now, let me make some suggestions, because I really like the ideas that DIA posted about. However, you need to taylor how you say things to your spouse so it won't put them on the defensive, or come across as nagging.

The reason I want to do this is to help you understand what we Martians are all about. We are not forward thinkers, and what I mean is that we spend a lot more time thinking about what's going on right now. We don't spend much time thinking about tomorrow (unless it's work related) or next week, let alone next month or year. However, in my experience, women DO. Generally speaking Women are planners. Men are not! We seriously, without the help of a loving spouse, don't think about special occasions. If we do, believe me it's a fleeting moment.

It is NOT that we don't want to take care of our beloved spouse, but we simply don't remember. You need to understand that men are primarily built to "provide" which means we spend time working and providing, not planning.

Ok, so this is why very friendly reminders are so helpful, but tact and some thought needs to go into how it's said or it could backfire and we'll just shut you off completely.

Example 1

"Gosh it sure would be nice to have that new robe for my birthday"

This would NOT work for me. I would tune that out quicker then my wife could spit it out, because that comes across to me as manipulation. Right or wrong, that's what my martian soul hears. If that was said often enough, I would consider it nagging and I'd tell her to zip it.

Example 2

"Could you imagine how nice it would be to wear that robe after getting out of the shower"

That one works perfectly for me. They say the same thing, but one isn't going to turn my ears off, the other would.

So anyway, I hope that helps.

We men really do want to take care of you. We love doing it, we just get to busy to remember stuff like this.

Bill Ignval once said something along the lines of this:

"When Momma ain't happy, no one's happy.
If Momma's unhappy long enough, you'll be unhappy too with half your stuff"

This is true. And to be honest it runs both ways. Take care of your man and believe me, he'll work harder to take care of you. I especially say that to the newly wed. (10 years or less, because I believe it takes at least that long to understand) because meeting your mans needs is the first way to open up his love ears so he will hear what you want/need. If you don't take care of him, their is resentment and hurt feelings, and those martian love ears will NOT work.

Anyway, hope that helps, as I know it did me.