Staying in Touch with Family

[5ft Diva]

How do you make time for your extended family when you are so busy taking care of your own? What kind of traditions do you have set up to keep in touch with your extended family? Which methods are the most effective? Which ones are not? What would you like to do now that you are not doing yet to improve your relationship with your extended family?

[bookworm]

My family has a party once a month, which we rotate hosting duties for- at which we celebrate all the birthdays for that month. We only have 3 months in which there is only 1 celebrant. Every other month has at least 2 birthdays (some have 4 or 5!). We have dinner and catch up. Also, my sisters and I just got season tickets to the Hale Center Theater this year, so that's our newest tradition. We live far enough away that it's long distance to call all our family, but the cell phone helps with that, and my family is big on emailing.

[5ft Diva]

Tickets to the Hale! That's wonderful, that's right up your alley, BW. I'm so happy for you.

I have found that the traditions don't happen if you don't plan them. BS's sister writes up a calendar for the whole year and we are all assigned a party to plan (major holidays) and a particular Sunday in the year that we are in charge of FHE and that is pretty much how we stay in touch. Plus, we plan a big family vacation once every three or four years - I can't remember which one it is. It's a lot of fun, I find that most of the fun is in planning the vacation.

As for my family, because my mom dictates what everyone says, does, and feels we don't really have much to do w/ each other. As a result some members of the family don't even know how to have a relationship when she's not around. I have found that she's so involved with each of the relationships and how they should be handled that a couple of us have chosen to not participate at all w/ the family. It's sad, but it's just how things have played out. I guess some family's got it and some family's don't.

[PhillyGirl]

This is really hard since I am so far away from family; but I think it is pretty hard no matter how close you are. I try to call and email as much as possible. We have started a blog so that family can log in and see what we are up to. It is away for grandma and grandpa to see their granddaughter grow up.
I love having the monthly party idea. That is something I would like to do; if we ever life close enough to implement it. We do have a family reunion once a year at my Grandfather's property in Idaho. I unfortunately won't make it this year; but that is a beloved tradition of our family. I hope that will continue whether the property is there or not. A cruise would be nice for all of the adults.

[Erudite]

My extended family is lousy at this. I guess I feel that way because I attempt to send out a monthly email letter, and only one of Mike's Uncles responds. It's getting harder and harder to make myself do it, because it doesn't feel like anyone even reads it or cares.

My family at least gets together a lot during the summer when we can be outside (there are A LOT of us), but not so much during the winter. I know its that different love language thing, and I've tried to think a little bit about the love languages of my siblings because mine is so rarely spoken. We're a lot of fun when we do get together and if you need something and can state it, they're there to support it, but overall, I'd like more...my love language I guess.

My DH's family is even worse. They rarely get together and communication is sparse, which is why one of my new year's resolutions is to facilitate that. The tough thing is that I plan get togethers on my terms and then they, without meaning to, find a way to mess them up. My inlaws are great...but they are tradition-free so that putting together something on a regular basis feels weird. And I'm sorry for it, but I can't think of a get together that doesn't involve eating and they're a little odd about eating. So that's why having a monthly FHE is a good thing for us...just dessert.

My Mom encouraged me to do make the effort to involve them more and says that its important, so I'm making the attempt as I can.

[5ft Diva]

So, in your mom's suggestion - to involve them more - does she mean to include them more in what your family is doing rather than a party type setting? That's what I'm understanding this to mean so I just wanted some clarification. It's a good idea.

[Erudite]

My Mom didn't have a relationship with her Dad's side of the family because her Mom was in charge of making such things happen...and for the most part, we usually want to be with our own families. So when I expressed once that it had been months since we'd seen my DH's family and a solid year (last Christmas) since we'd seen his brothers even though they just live in SLC, she got after me. She said that my children need a relationship with both sides of their family and it was up to me to make that happen. She's right, of course...she generally is. My problem was that until recently, there wasn't enough seating at their house and I felt like my children were only tolerated and if they made too much noise, it was time to go home. In a lot of ways, I have always felt just tolerated too...as if I was still a "date" my DH was bringing home.

Something has changed recently though. First, they got enough seating. Second, they have a spare room where the kids can be. And third, they're reaching out more. My FIL actually said "I love you, my dear" to me on Christmas. It made me so happy.

Remember I was telling you that my sick was bringing blessings? I believe this is one. My FIL has a way to serve me and I think that is helping. Our relationship has been good for many years, but it is entering a new level of good and I appreciate that and want to build on that.

And I do think that my children need good relationships with all. My inlaws are great people and I want them in my life.

[runamyrun]

With my husband's family, we have a family website on myfamily.com. Most of us live in Utah, but one brother and his wife and kids live in Washington. We only get to see them maybe once a year. We all felt that we were missing out. I think my brother-in-law found the website and set it up for us. It is awesome because we post pictures and talk about what is going on in our lives. I love it because I feel like I get to know everyone better, even those in Utah.

As far as getting together goes, we don't have any set plans except for Thanksgiving or Christmas time. Other than that, every couple of months or so one of us decides to get everyone together. Oh, and we have started having a family reunion in the summer.

With my family it is different. Until the last 5 or so months, my brother and his wife and kids, and one of my sisters lived with my parents. So most of the family was already together. Now that my parents have moved, I think they might schedule more family parties. I know they want to have a family reunion. And my dad really wants to take all of the adults on a cruise, but we keep having babies! As far as keeping in touch, my sister recently started a family blog. Now we just need to post!

[natickgirl]

My siblings, who all live in SLC area, get together one Sunday each month. My dad did, too, until he moved to Las Vegas. He & my step-mom come & stay w/my sister as often as they can, but step-mom is dealing with stress with her daughter in Las Vegas right now. Since I'm so far away, I send e-mails or call when I'm feeling lonely. I have a great relationship with my older sister--she & my Dad are the only ones who actually call me if we haven't been in contact for awhile.

My extended family (32 cousins, 14 aunts & uncles on my Dad's side) has an account on yahoo groups. We keep in touch mostly when big things happen such as babies, weddings, illnesses, graduations, etc.. Those who are in the SLC area get together every few months on major holidays. We have a huge reunion every 3-4 years.

DH's family is wierd about relationships. I've never felt completely accepted by his family. For the most part, his siblings seem to not care whether we're alive at all & they make little effort to keep in touch with us. However, if we miss a holiday gathering because we want to do our own thing, we are in big trouble with them. (We get glares every year when we leave the Christmas eve gathering at 10 pm.) It's as if they feel we are rejecting them if we don't want to spend the holiday with them. They don't realize that we can have a relationship with them throughout the year, not just on holidays (when we want to have our own family traditions).

My MIL is very needy emotionally, and my FIL always seeks DH's advice in his important decisions. Sometimes one of them will call us every day for a week (I try to make sure DH answers the phone), then we won't hear from them for a while. We should be better at keeping in touch since we've moved so far away, but we're really enjoying the distance right now. I felt stifled when we lived so close. We do fly "home" twice a year to visit.

I find that I put forth so much more effort in relationships that I feel are mutually beneficial. I know it's childish (or maybe a form of self-preservation) but I avoid investing in relationships if I feel the other person doesn't really care. I'm genuine, and I expect other to be, too. I'm also very private, and I'm tired of the back-biting that happens in DH's family. In the past, I've participated in it, just to fit in, but I'm through with that now. Probably TMI, but you did ask.

[5ft Diva]

We did ask and we're glad you answered!

I feel the same way about investing in relationships that are mutually beneficial. I really like that wording you used...I'm going to use it now. I don't know the circumstances or the dynamics of your FIL calling DH for his advice, but I think it's cool. My father doesn't even come out of his room when we go and visit. It hurts my feelings and I'm pretty tired of being a ghost to him. My Dad treats me like I don't even exist and it is hard. Be grateful that they at least reach out to you. I'm not trying to give you a guilt trip, just helping you see the other side of what could be, although given some family members, it may be what you'd like to have happen. I don't mean to sound so negative or down. I'm sorry if I do. I'm so grateful for my DH's family who is so open and honest. I feel they have given me the family I never had, but always needed and wanted. I believe one day I will have an open and honest relationship w/ my family, just not as open and honest as I'm used to having w/ most people.