Taking back my confidence

[5ft Diva]

Note: I need to preface my post by telling you that I have been praying for some guidance and feel like my prayers are being answered through this woman.

So...I had a very interesting conversation with someone today who has worked very closely with me for the past six months. She explained to me that in the last few months she's seen me deal with some pretty difficult situations and feels that my confidence has been shaken as a result of everything - she's spot on. She then told me in a permission-giving kind of way, "You can be confident," which in all honesty, I needed to hear that. I've needed support from "an insider" and I've needed to hear that what I've been doing is just fine.

She went on to say that she feels I'm very cautious when communicating with others and I hesitate instead of just saying what I want and need to and that I'm suppressing my strengths as a coping mechanism from being personally attacked and criticized over a long period of time by many different people. She also put it all into perspective for me by telling me that she's never known me to be like this and knows it's a result of everything I've been through and that I don't need to worry about how I'm coming across to people. I felt she was spot on about everything and she was answering all of my concerns.

So, now that I've started the nasty habit of trying to not rock the boat, how do I step back in with confidence w/o overwhelming everyone? I ask this because I'm told I am an intense person and I am curious to know how to step back in w/o making everyone want to jump ship. Have any of you experienced something like this before? Is there something that you learned from your experience that could help me?

[bookworm]

First of all, good for you for recognizing an answer to your prayers. You are always so in tune, I'm continually impressed.

I am usually cautious by nature, and I realized a couple of years ago that I have a problem asking for what I really want. I started to push myself a little bit to be more assertive. I am now much better about saying what I mean and asking for what I want. I try to always be diplomatic, kind, and gentle, though. I don't want anyone to feel offended by me telling them that I need something different than what they wanted me to do or have... I may not be making sense...

For example, I think I mentioned to 5D a while back that I felt like I wanted to be done having the primary chorister (me) take the entire 80 minutes of singing+sharing time on 5th Sundays. I was terrified to bring it up, because I didn't want a confrontation, but I also felt very strongly that I had a right to speak up about it and to make a change. I felt the Spirit was on my side, as well, which gave me courage, but I still felt shaky when I talked to our Bishopric leader and our Presidency about it. I'm still a little nervous about January-- wondering what will happen, but for now I feel like I handled it tactfully, but directly.

The key, in my mind, is to find that place between aggression (which often results in everyone jumping ship), passivity (which is just sitting and letting others row and never making a peep, even if you know it's going in the wrong direction). That middle ground is assertion, (which keeps the boat afloat, but allows you to take the lead and direct it when it's your turn to lead). It's a balance, and it's sometimes easy and sometimes not.

So, my advice for you is to communicate exactly what you need/want or feel in a way that is direct, but kind and tactful. I think a lot of problems can be avoided if people will just say what they mean and pay attention to the people involved-- their body language, their facial expressions, as well as their responses. If someone seems offended, talk about it right then; say, "I want to be clear here, I don't want anyone to walk away from this meeting with their feelings hurt, but there are some things that I feel need to be changed" or whatever. And smile. Smiling while asking for what we want conveys a friendly, open attitude.

I don't know if that really addresses what you were asking, I hope so...