Taking time to listen

[5ft Diva]

Just wondering why we don't take time to listen to each other....I mean really listen. Is life really so busy that we can't take the time to listen? Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way.....

[natickgirl]

Either we're too busy, or we're too distracted by life's situations. I sometimes find myself deep in thought about an issue I'm dealing with, only to realize that one of my kids has been talking to me for a few minutes. I feel bad that I just tuned them out! I need to pay more attention to people, and not problems.

[Erudite]

May I ask...is it you who feels like you aren't listening? or are you feeling not listened to?

About two weeks ago, I was laying on my bed and suddenly had a flashback to my childhood. In this flashback, I could clearly see all the times my Mom yelled at me and how little loved I felt growing up. And then I was fastforwarded to the present day and began to wonder if my children were growing up not feeling loved and appreciated by me. From that moment on, I have made a significant effort to be more cheerful, to hug more, and to appreciate more. I think (hope) we all TELL our children we love them, but we don't always do those things that make them feel loved. Listening to our children is a BIG one for me in this effort to make sure my children FEEL loved. I'm having to force myself away from things, turn off the radio/tv/computer and really listen and ask questions of my children. But I'm getting better at it!

[5ft Diva]

I believe there aren't coincidences and that our lives are intertwined more than we realize. I also know that there are those who have been put in our lives who have unmet needs and that we can meet them and vice versa. My question, 'why don't we take time to listen to each other' comes from this.

I am feeling frustrated with this. C'est la vie.

[Erudite]

It is an interesting question. I think you're right about people in our lives and us in others' lives.

I am reminded of all the times I've felt not listened to. But as soon as I think that, I ask myself how good of a listener am I? I think we could all improve on that and that it is a vital skill to develop. Getting to the heart of the question of "why we don't" is a fantastic starting place. Too involved in our own lives? Too much in our own heads? Too much in our own houses? Those are all answers for me.

I also remembered sitting in a person's house, who I'd never met. I'd come to the house for a tour, because the house is just fabulously unique, but ended up learning from the incredibly gracious owner who sat and talked with me, asking questions about me and getting to know me, even though we would probably never meet again in our lives. She took time out for an unexpected tour of her home and then sat and listened to me, even though I'm sure she had many other things to be doing.

I'm probably rambling now, but I think so often the effort to listen must start with our own effort to ask questions and listen to the answers. Yes?

[5ft Diva]

Most definitely, E. Unfortunately, depending on what kind of a day we're having depends on how well we listen. Ideally, the kind of day we're having wouldn't even affect how well we listen. Oh, to be like that!

So.....how does one strive for something like that? I suppose inviting the Spirit to be with me throughout the day so that I could recognize the needs of others would be a good start.

[Erudite]

That sounds like an excellent start. I'm going to add that to my prayers too.

How about a goal to ask each person you meet one question BEYOND "how are you?" or the goal to ask one follow-up question in response to what he or she said?

Maybe it's just that you and I know each other well, but I feel like you listen extremely well. In fact as you know, I can tell how you're feeling when you DON'T do the above. I'm glad you're my listening friend!! But I think the foundation for the questions and thought processes is probably the effort to listen to other people that you (we) don't know as well. Do you remember in Without Offense, he reminds us that we respect other people and that it doesn't matter what they do, our respect is a part of our response and thus shouldn't change by the other person's choices? Is this listening thing a part of the same thinking? That we respect and listen to people regardless of what they're doing or how we're feeling?

I hope that made sense. I know I've recently had to practice that Without Offense concept and tell myself to act the same no matter what problems the other's choices are causing me. That's why I'd thought of it.

[natickgirl]

I often find it easier to listen to people I don't know so well, than it is to listen to those I am in contact contact with. Why is that? I think it's because I'm not so emotionally invested in what the pseudo-stranger has to say...and that I have an unbiased perspective. It isn't that I don't CARE what those close to me have to say. I do. In fact, I think I care too much, so sometimes it's easier not to listen. Also, I think I take my family for granted that I can listed to them ANY time, so I often brush them off instead of listening RIGHT NOW because I'm in the middle of something else. I need to work on listening to those who are most important when THEY need to talk, not when I am ready to listen.

[5ft Diva]

I have the same problem, NG. I'm wondering what I can do to remind me that I want to be actively listening when I'm totally disengaged.

[Erudite]

I just have to share that I turned off a movie yesterday to LISTEN to my 6 year old. In my heart I was a bit bugged at the interruption, but I made the effort to really listen and look him in the eye now and then (I was crocheting too so my eyes and hands were busy) and answer his questions and go "really?" every now and then. It felt good to make the effort!

[natickgirl]

Good job, E!