Thinking the best of others

[5ft Diva]

Sometimes it is really hard to see the best in other people, especially when we're really hurt or mad. (This is something I'm working on right now.) How have you been able to see the best in others when you would really like to just grab them by the neck and say, "Don't you know how obnoxious you are?!"

[Erudite]

I've been thinking hard on this one too. A couple of weeks ago, in church, I was coming down the hall and there were two teenage girls sitting on the floor. One had her legs stretched as far as she could possibly stretched them and was blocking the hall. I was able to go around her, but the child whose hand I was holding had to step into the coat rack area.

On the way back down the hall, I was talking with an adult and the two of us could not both go around. So I walked up to the girl and stopped just shy of her legs and looked at her and asked "Are you trying to be rude?" It was a little belligerent on my part, but more curiosity. She was WATCHING us come toward her and any considerate person would have adjusted her legs accordingly. So I followed up with "because that's how this comes off when you don't move you legs for passing people." She shook her head "no" and slowly slid her legs underneath her and then favored me with a glare. I went calmly on with my friend, continuing the conversation exactly where it had been interupted.

When I got in my car with my DH, I was troubled. I am POSITIVE that was not how Christ might have handled the situation and I asked my DH what he thought Christ would do with somewhat rude teenagers? He thought about it and said "well, cleaning the Temple of the money changers comes to mind..." I laughed, but I've kept thinking about it. What should we do in such a situation to help people see that adjustment is needed, without calling them "rude" or "obnoixous"...and in fact, not thinking that ourselves?

Yes, I know I just repeated your original question, but maybe a specific situation helps? How would you have responded? What do you think Christ would have done?

[5ft Diva]

This is a great way of personalizing the question! And a good question, too.

First and foremost, 'Without Offence' would be a great reference for such a question.

Secondly my thought is that when people are acting in a selfish way it is because somewhere inside themselves, whether it be superficial or deep, they are hurting. When this is the case I find that it isn't helpful to point out what adjustments need to be made. It is most helpful to love that person and as they begin to feel loved they realize within themselves what needs to be adjusted because what they are doing at the moment goes against who they know themselves to be, but who they know themselves to be wasn't accessible until they felt the pure love of Christ. Hope this makes sense.

---------- Post added at 11:31 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:13 PM ----------

I really like the idea of sharing a specific example to discuss some solutions - very helpful to me. This thread is a result of thinking the best of someone who 'appeared' to not be thinking the best of me. It was very hurtful and in being hurt by it I was focused on myself rather than my love for that person. So I tried to think the best of that person and in doing so began to replace what looked like her discontent for me with what may have been a discontent for her current situation and that it probably had nothing to do w/ me in the first place. It was hard. I still have the urge to let myself think that she was judging me in a very unfair way, but if I fight that temptation life is so much more productive. Anyway, thanks again for your specific example as it's so much more helpful to find solutions to real experiences.

[bookworm]

I would probably have said, "excuse me, would you mind moving your legs so we can get by?" And smiled. With the youth of the church especially, I wouldn't want them to feel unloved or criticized. I think usually people, especially young people, don't mean to be rude or inconsiderate, they are still very self-centered at that age and some things simply don't occur to them. I realize some people are trying to be rude, but I usually give everyone the benefit of the doubt and try not to be too hard on them- especially young people. The rudest youth are usually those in the most personal pain. I don't need to add to it.

That's how I feel I'm an extremely non-confrontational person, and I almost never share my criticisms with another person, even if I see something I don't approve of- I don't feel like that's my job on the Earth. I would rather try to spread peace and love- yes I sound like a hippie...

Diva, it sounds like your situation is inside you. I think you're on the right track- all we have the power to do is forgive behavior that hurts us and continue praying for and loving others. It's very painful when we think someone is judging us... it's hard to feel safe and comfortable with that person until it's been resolved, and sometimes it never gets resolved. I hope things get smoothed out for you.

[5ft Diva]

OUCH! You're right, though. Thanks for the honest feedback. I really do appreciate it!

[bookworm]

I didn't mean to cause an ouch! I love ya!!!

[Erudite]

I would want to spread peace and love too, but in the irritation of the moment.... I'm telling you this girl was trying to block the hallway and was watching both times as I (and everyone else) came toward her.

I've thought about what 5D said in the beginning...some kind of pain going on. But I don't think the girl is even in our ward, so I had no idea who she was. It would have been extremely uncomfortable had I tried to reach out to her, and what of the friend I was walking with, you know?

But clearly, BW, just asking her to move was the best option, rather than calling it "rude". I was just so astonished at her attitude and the fact that she was stretching out her legs...

I had just one other thought. I thought, what if I were my sister? My sister has no lower peripheral vision, so we often make sure she sees steps coming and what not, or she can easily trip. What if I hadn't seen the legs at all and tripped? She'd be causing an even worse problem. But how is she to think of that? So then, I turned it around...what if she has had some kind of knee injury and tucking her legs underneath her is painful? I would never have wanted to cause her pain.

I mention that because I think these situations do need some "benefit of the doubt". I don't know her situation and why trying for attention in this manner was of some kind of benefit to her. She doesn't know mine and that it would have been uncomfortable for me to step over her. So for me, I guess I need to keep remembering that *I* have situations that others don't know and they do too. Just being nice and asking her to move her legs would have been the best thing.

I'm a work in progress...aren't we all.

[Dia Minha]

This was something I ran into during Trek. I had a couple girls and one boy in my family group that were very negative and could only seem to find the negative in others and in every situation we were in. As they one by one started coming to Ma (me) to work out their frustrations (vent) I felt very inspired to challenge them to think of one positive thing about the other family member they were having a hard time with and concentrate on that one thing. What was really funny, as more and more accepted the challenge (the more tired we got the more negative we tended to be) they started pointing out to me when I was concentrating on the negative and would say, "Ma, think positive".

Right now I'm working on writing each of my youth a Ma-ly (motherly) love letter. I'm struggling, because I want to point out all the amazingly wonderful things that each of them did well, but also want to leave them with some Ma-ly advise on what they can work on to become better young adults. My hope is that by correcting them with love, because I do love them so much, and concentrating on their positive attributes that somehow I can put into words that she needs to be more grateful, he needs to have more patience, she needs to be more considerate, etc.

I honestly think that before we can find the good in others, we have to learn how to love them. For me learning to love someone is finding one or two things they do well and concentrate on those things and love will come. I also believe that we can not correct a person or begin to help a person become a better human being, until we can honestly say that we love him/her.

I hope I'm not just rambling here. I'm trying to process through all this and this is the best place for me to do so.

[Mamallama]

Dia, Congratulations on making it through the trek!! Wow!! What an amazing adventure. I’m so glad you were able to go and I know your trek family was so very blessed to have you and your dh as ‘parents’.

I hope you will forgive me for poking my nose in here about the letters----I just wanted to say that I think that simply expressing gratitude for the kids' positive qualities is enough. The good that comments like that will do will go much farther than you can imagine. In my opinion, I don’t think it’s necessary to point out areas the kids in your Trek family need to improve on. Having them hear good things about themselves alone, I believe will motivate them to want to improve and be better people without you having to state where exactly they need to improve. I think it’s wonderful that you want to take the time to write these letters.
They will mean so much to these youth.

I agree with you Dia that we need to first learn to love, so that we can open our hearts to finding the good in a person.

I'm going to ramble here.....
Teens are bombarded on a daily basis with so many negative comments. People are always commenting how ‘bad teenagers are’, ‘how disrespectful and ungrateful teenagers are”…how bad they dress, how bad their music is’ etc… This comes from teachers, parents, neighbors, church leaders not to mention all the negative comments their peers shout out at them on a daily basis walking down the hallways at school. My kids have often asked me why everyone thinks that they are so bad. Sometimes we forget that when we say “teenagers” we are grouping “all” of them in….even the good kids.

I believe that our teenagers need to feel our love, by having more positive feedback from us. Hearing some good things about themselves on a daily basis will help the self-confidence grow. As they gain self-confidence and begin to see and recognize their self-worth, I believe they will then begin to see in themselves the things they personally need to work on to improve without us having to always point our fingers at their faults and weaknesses.
I know I don’t want people pointing out my weaknesses---I already very well know my weaknesses and feel bad enough about them without someone telling me that “if you would just do this more or better, or if you would just stop doing this…you would be happier…..”

(A side note, I know that as parents there are times we do need to say something when something is VERY negative that our teen is doing…. but I truly believe that as a parent of teens we need to follow the old saying “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” I have learned over the years the importance of ‘biting my tongue’ and learning to just listen to my teens. Sometimes that's all they need to help them to sort out their problem...for someone to just listen)

If my teenager were to receive a letter from a leader stating my child’s positive qualities and then ‘lovingly’ stated where they needed to improve….the only thing my teen would remember from the letter would be that they feel their leader thinks they are a bad person because they need to be “more grateful” or whatever. The negative seems to register in their head about themselves more than the positive. Really I have been through this many times. As each one of my kids has gone through their teen years, each one has gone through this stage where they highlight their own faults to an extreme, so much that it has been a struggle for them to see any good in themselves. It has been a long difficult road helping them to find and see the good in themselves. I believe this is a strategic move that the adversary is using to battle against our youth with. Making them feel that they are bad and worth nothing. We need to combat this with love and feeding them as much positive as we can.
Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox now…thanks for letting me ramble on…

[bookworm]

Well said, ML, and I absolutely agree with you. Excellent point.

I think I need to reassess the way I talk to my older boys... it's easy to fall into the habit of offering loads of criticism (however constructive) and not sharing positive comments with them. I will definitely be working to improve this in my home. We recently made a new "house rule" that we are going to work very hard to only make positive comments about other family members. This needs to apply to parenting as well-- there are times I MUST correct a child's behavior, but usually it can be done positively, as a lesson, rather than a criticism.

[Dia Minha]

I'm still processing, but wanted to add this: I find that children are growing up and not knowing how to recognize that they need to work on certain attibutes. How does a teenager ever realize that sticking her legs out across the hallway so people can not pass is rude, unless someone lovingly tells them? How does a young women realize that her lack of gratitude toward her peers is pushing them away unless someone lovingly lets them know? How does the young man who is all about winning the race, even if it means leaving someone behind, ever learn patience if someone does not lovingly teach him what patience is? How is the young women, who was never taught how to care for her body, know that she needs to take baths or showers regularly and use deoderant if a trusted leader does not inform her that, that is the reason no one wants to sit next to her on the bus.

I have dealt with this for many years. My children's teachers have been so afraid of hurting their self-esteem, they are hurting their developement, because they refuse to give them instruction on how to write a better paper. I have watched parents so afraid of correcting their children's manners, that they have become unruly and rude to their elders. I have watched parents so afraid of watching their children fail at anything they try, that they hover, they answer every call for help, they do not allow natural consquences, like pain, whether emotional or physical.

So how as parents and leaders do we find the happy medium? I believe that every child needs to be lifted up and receive positive feedback and that we always need to focus on the good in everyone. However, someone is eventually going to tell these children and teens they are rude, obnoxious, unforgiving, ungrateful and lack respect for others. Wouldn't it be better to hear this from somone who loves them and is willing to stick by them no matter what, then from a friend or stranger that has grown tired of the lack of consideration and spill it all out in anger as they leave never to acknowledge them again?

One last question, Mama, did you feel like you were being critical or pointing out what I was doing wrong in anyway, in the answer you just wrote? Because your answer is similiar to how I'm constructing my letters. Did you notice at all that you wrote a paragraph or two on how wonderful I was then added a thought on how I could be better person? Was that wrong? No. Was it done in love? Yes. Did I feel like less of a person, because you lovingly shared your thoughts on how I could be a better person? No I didn't, because I know you were doing it with love. And that love is the difference between just criticizing and tearing a person down, and working hard to build them up and help them to grow and mature.

Anyway, my prayer is that Heavenly Father will inspire me on what these youth need to hear from me and that I will be able to say it in such a positive manner, that it will not be taken as critizing or negative in anyway.

[Mamallama]

Thanks BW...I have a lot to work on myself with my kids...It's all always easier said than done...I'm hoping to do better with the ones coming up...my poor oldest are the guinea pigs sometimes...

And Dia...LOL…..Ya I did notice a bit of hypocrisy in my writing that way...Really I do agree with what you are saying Dia. To lovingly teach.

I agree that these ‘lessons’ need to be taught to our children and youth. It is how it’s done, when it’s done and in what setting it is done that I believe is key. We need to all go about it in the way that you are Dia, in being more loving and prayerful before we speak/teach. I’m sure that as you listen to the spirit, you will be guided as to what to say, how to say it, and what not to say, in these letters and that they will uplift these youth.

Thinking about all of this also reminds me of the way that Christ taught us in the scriptures, that if we have a problem with what someone is doing, we should take them aside, with no one else listening or watching….not embarrass them or make a scene in front of others, and talk with them about it.

I believe there is a huge difference between teaching lessons of life, and attacking our youth with all they are doing wrong. They need to feel our love. Be built up and shown that they have good qualities. If we can teach them lessons of life with love, then they in turn will learn to do the same as they grow.Which basically is what you’ve been saying all along Dia.

Unfortunately my experience in working as a Title One Para. in many different classrooms has shown me how rude and disrespectful MANY TEACHERS are to the students. It made me sick to my stomach and is scary they are allowed to teach. You would be shocked. Since I was there everyday, they couldn't really hide their true colors. I don't believe our kids are babied in the classroom. I do believe that many are not properly taught. Which all the more makes me feel our Youth need more positive influences and positive words spoken to them.

My Father in-law is a good example of teaching to me. He never has pointed out one fault of mine. He makes me feel that I am so good although I know that I am not. (He simply tells me that he is glad that I am doing all these wonderful things that he actually Hopes---I am doing---I think) He tells me Mamallama you are so patient, and I think it’s wonderful that you and dh always pray together before making decisions. It’s wonderful how you don’t fight and that you work together as a team to parent your children. It’s wonderful how positive, Christlike and loving you are with your children….etc….

Now let me tell you, I am not all that wonderful, but what his positive comments do for me are they make me try harder to live up to what he says: His words make me try to be more patient, remind me to pray with my husband more because my Father in-law thinks we are, makes me try harder not to fight and to work as a team with my dh, and makes me try harder to be positive, more Christlike and loving with my children….because I think that my Father in-law thinks that I am this way so I want to live up to his words.

Again I know there are times when a child/youth needs to be reprimanded, and I am not saying never to do so---but perhaps make the reprimands few and far between the good.

Anyway, I apologize if I’ve gotten off track on what this thread is supposed to be about….

[Dia Minha]

Thanks Mama, you have given me some insight on how my letters can be worded to remain positive at all times. I need to think back and find one time where I thought a certain girl was grateful and let her know how much it meant to me to know that she appreciated what I or we had done for her. I need to find one moment where a certain boy was showing patience and kindness toward others, no matter how small and praise him for it. I'm not sure it can be done on my own, but I'm sure Heavenly Father will show me something over those four days that I can use to instruct, yet uplift at the same time.

[5ft Diva]

This thread has been very insightful. I have heard a lot of wisdom and truth in here. Thank you all for your insight and please don't stop. I feel like I'm just barely starting to break through a barrier that I've been picking at for eons.