"Venting"

[Dia Minha]

Several times in the last year I have been the victim of someone else's "venting". It is like the word is somehow an excuse to be mean and victive.

So it has me thinking, when is "venting" ok and when does it cross the line into an excuse to just be mean? How can I use "venting" in a more helpful and healthful way? How can I teach others that I will not allow them to be mean to me, just because they need to get something off their chest? How can I learn not take others "venting" sessions personal?

[bookworm]

Wait, let me just ask you to clarify-- people are calling it "venting" when they are being rude (or vindictive) to you about something to do with you? Is that right?

I have used the term "venting" to mean expressing my frustrations (okay, okay, the proper term would be complaining about things, like "I'm tired of having to work" or "I don't understand why the government is..." etc. I can't remember ever using it when I'm telling someone off. Not that I've ever actually told anyone off.. but that's beside the point.

If that is how it's being used, that's new to me. No one should insult you, DM, and if they are being insulting or rude, I would recommend you tell them that. "I find your tone offensive, and I think I'd rather discuss what's bothering you when you're calmer" or something...

A side note about expressing oneself: I've heard that using "I" statements is much more effective and powerful than if you were to say "You're being rude" for instance.

Sounds like maybe you need a .

[Dia Minha]

Diva, I just realized you could be reading this and thinking I'm talking about you, but I'm not. Just so you know, I have always felt that our "venting sessions" were private, not public and I'm asking about public venting. You and I are a lot a like. We need to work through an issue before bringing it up with the person we have a problem with so that we can handle it in a more positive way. To me this is ok. It is when the person chooses to publicly "vent" that it can become very harmful and that is why I'm asking these questions.

Yes, BW. When my sister hauled off on me last July and told me what an awful mother I was, she told everyone else on Facebook she was "venting" and that she was so proud of herself for "getting it off her chest". More recently, I have been caught up in conversations, both face to face and on facebook where someone has used the word "venting" to describe their public hashing of another person. To me it is just plain rude, inconsiderate and falls in the lines of an excuse to publicly gossip about someone else. One time I felt like it was directed toward someone I love very much and I sent a PM to that person letting her know that I did not appreciate her posting something so inconsiderate on a public forum. Another time it was just ranting about someone I didn't know personally, but had once been in the same situation and chose to make a comment to, in a way, "stand up" for her.

I am a ventor. I tend to vent a lot. However, I would never choose to vent at the person I am having a problem with. I find that I can vent in an email and then erase it. I vent to my DH and he helps me talk it through and see the other persons point of view. Usually after such venting sessions, I can then send an email or be prepared to talk to the person in a respectful and positive way to deal with the situation without just hauling off on them. I got to thinking that maybe venting to my husband wasn't such a good idea after all. So when is it just venting and when does it become gossip? Of course I know my husband isn't going to go around telling the whole neighborhood, because he knows I'm just upset and will work through it and do my best to handle the situation in a positive way. I feel the same way about conversations with good friends that I can trust.

So that is what had me questioning "venting" in general. Is it ever healthy? Is there a better way? When is it ok and when is it not? Or is it ever ok?

[Dia Minha]

I think I have figured out one incident where "venting" can be done in a healthy way. Take me going to the gym for instance. There is a little old lady that owns the Curves here in Tooele. I can tell she gets lonely. She likes to talk and when I'm the only one there she interrupts my workout to talk. I could "vent" by demeaning her, calling her an obnoxious old lady that just won't leave me alone, but what good would that do. However, it is an issue in my life that I need help with. So instead of "venting" I could talk to someone about my need to have an uninterrupted workout, yet there is this lady at the gym (that will not be named) that always tries to talk to me. I get so frustrated. What can I do?

Yes? No?

[natickgirl]

I think "venting" can be very healthy & useful, BUT, it should be done in private, or in such a way that others can't identify the person being vented about. Does that make sense? Sometimes we vent because we need vaildation. Sometimes we vent because we need to get negative emotions out in a "safe" environment before dealing with the issue. Sometimes we vent as a way of seeking another opinion.

For example, I had to vent about my MIL during a very stressful time in my life, or I knew I'd say/do something stupid. I knew if I "vented" to her or to the rest of the family, I'd create an even more negative situation, so I expressed my frustrations in a safe place (here) with people who were not involved with the situation & could give me objective opinions & support. I can't tell you how therapeutic it was to just "talk" through the issue, even though I knew no one could really help me with it....just one of those things you have to get through.

In my opinion, public venting is usually harmful to everyone involved (speaker, listeners, and target), and usually only makes the "venter" look incredibly selfish, needy, or socially inept.

[5ft Diva]

Diva, I just realized you could be reading this and thinking I'm talking about you, but I'm not. Just so you know, I have always felt that our "venting sessions" were private, not public and I'm asking about public venting. You and I are a lot a like. We need to work through an issue before bringing it up with the person we have a problem with so that we can handle it in a more positive way. To me this is ok. It is when the person chooses to publicly "vent" that it can become very harmful and that is why I'm asking these questions.

I appreciate you posting this because I did wonder... ha ha!

However, I would never choose to vent at the person I am having a problem with.

Is this part of the problem with the person you're talking about? In this case this isn't venting - this is just plain criticism. Criticism sometimes = unsafe person. BW touched on this and had some good things to say about it.

Before I begin answering your questions let me just say that sometimes I think we feel a little guilty that we have this need to vent in the first place because we should just be able to control our feelings, especially when our husbands are so good about keeping their stuff to themselves. We shouldn't need to talk to people about something that upset us because, by golly!, we've worked on patience for 15 stinkin' years so how did I even get upset in the first place?! Breathe....okay....moving on....

Definition of vent (online):
A means of escape or release from confinement; an outlet
To express (one's thoughts or feelings, for example), especially forcefully

I'm a visual person so after looking up this definition and visualizing what this looks like I'm not 100% convinced venting is necessarily healthy for anyone initially....

As far as your questions go:

So it has me thinking, when is "venting" ok and when does it cross the line into an excuse to just be mean?

Venting is a form of escaping, right? I guess the question is to where are you escaping? Is it to gossip land? Are you escaping from reality into the land of I'm going to need some anger management classes once I'm done? Are you escaping from bondage and trying to find refuge in the promised land? So the question to ask yourself....Where am I headed w/ this? I think if you're honest w/ yourself you'll know the answer w/in the first nano-second.

How can I use "venting" in a more helpful and healthful way?

Venting has so many faces really. Some people vent through physical activities (i.e. exercising, cleaning the house, yard work), some people vent through the written word (i.e. burn journals, letters they will never send, emails they plan to delete), but most people vent verbally. So how do we "escape" in a healthy and helpful way? Because you used the word "helpful" I would suggest in a way that would benefit others and yourself - service comes to mind - I have windows that need to be washed. I don't think there is one answer to how that's done because people are all so different and the way we deal w/ them will be so different, even from experience to experience with the same person.

I will say this, that venting can never be helpful if when the venting includes so many personal and destructive statements that the person who was vented to is left feeling insecure about their relationship with the venter or anybody else for that matter. Healthy venting, if there is such a thing, should be about moving forward with a clean slate and not about littering on someone else's turf. (NG covered this well I thought.)

How can I teach others that I will not allow them to be mean to me, just because they need to get something off their chest?

I'm having a hard time with this one, too, because I don't see how someone can be mean to you unless the person who is venting to you is actually complaining ABOUT you and that's just all wrong no matter how you look at it. I've been the rude person who has had the audacity to complain directly to someone else and I can tell you there's nothing healthy about it on either end. Without being too specific, because I get the feeling you're trying to keep some anonymity here, can you give an example of what you're talking about?

How can I learn not take others "venting" sessions personal?

Reality is that we all have a limit because we're human. I have found that venting because it's being done forcefully (as the definition states) isn't really a true representation of how I feel and it helps to know this going into a venting session no matter if you're the venter or the ventee.

Just a side note.... after doing a little bit of research the reason I think venting isn't healthy is because usually it includes owning something that wasn't ours to own in the first place thus the feeling of confinement as was used in the definition and the need to "escape". I think that sometimes venting gets confused with sound boarding (I do this a lot!) and I think this is a very healthy exercise and usually the most productive as we're a bit more rational because we've reached the point of being open to others' thoughts and insights rather than just shooting off the first thing that comes out of our mouth.

I know this is a bit rambly - hope it makes sense.