Will I ever NOT need to process?

**5ft Diva** · #1 10-25-2009, 10:54 PM

Will I ever stop needing to process? I'm going through something right now that I'm "processing" through and kind of frustrated at myself for not being able to have a solution at the snap of my fingers. I'm just wondering if I'm the only one who does this and if my need to do this will ever go away. Is there something seriously wrong with me? Seriously! I swear, I'm the only woman I know that needs to process through stuff. For those of you who don't ever need to work through stuff, what is your secret? I'm just thinking that maybe there's something developmentally wrong with me. This can't be normal. Can you tell I'm a bit frustrated w/ this?

Dia Minha · #2 10-26-2009, 07:13 AM

Diva, I think we all need to process, just in different ways. Some people need to call a friend, nothing wrong with that. Some can talk it through with their husbands. Some can just think about it a lot. Some are practicers and just put a plan into action and if it doesn't work they try again. I use a little bit of all the above. However, I'm mostly a thinker. I think and research a lot. Very rarely will I go to a friend to figure something out. Usually only when they have called me, or I have researched it to death and still can't find an answer. I'm getting better though. I did call you first thing, when I couldn't decide where to put my tv and you helped me process through all that.

Erudite · #3 10-26-2009, 08:54 AM

No. That's the short answer. I love Dia's longer answer, because I think she's right: we all do it differently. I'd say you should just be glad that you do. I think there are so many people who don't.

I do think that in some areas you'll get better and better and the processing time will get shorter and shorter until you find yourself processing in just a few seconds and moving forward.

A thought just occurred to me. I wonder if you've gotten into the habit of a long process and so you perceive it as needed. Do you think there's a way you could shorten the process? I mean, do you find yourself coming to the same conclusion all the time? If so, is it possible, that's the conclusion that you need in the first place and going there first would reduce the process time?

**5ft Diva** · #4 10-26-2009, 11:27 AM

Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say I was disappointed with these answers, but I think you're right.

In answer to your question, E, I haven't ever thought about it. I think it's just layers of stuff I'm dealing with that I haven't encountered yet, whether it be because I couldn't or wouldn't deal with it. I'll have to give this some thought. It's an interesting question.

The thought has occurred to me that processing through "my stuff" is a choice. I know someone who chooses not to process. When she comes across unexplainable emotions she just takes it at face value and doesn't give it a second thought. If those emotions cause her to have a bad day...oh well. If it causes her to treat someone badly....oh well, they'll get over it, after all, everybody has a bad day every now and then. Now I'm not saying that either of us is right or wrong, I'm just saying that I realize we choose to deal differently, and I do know her way would be wrong for me because it would cause me to be emotionally constipated. I know because I've tried it before.

So....I guess what I'm saying is I choose to process through everything that comes at me instead of the alternative for my own emotional and mental welfare. I choose to understand any negative and destructive emotions that I may be feeling and what may be causing them. I choose to clean up after myself so that others can enjoy the life I leave behind rather than having to sort through my mess. I am not trying to sound judgmental of those who don't process or who choose to process differently than I do. I have just learned that I am happier this way. There....I guess I just processed through my reason to process.

I guess growing just hurts sometimes.

Erudite · #5 10-26-2009, 12:04 PM

Congratulations!! I think you just uncovered some profound stuff for you and I'm glad you did. It is so educational to listen to you process. I learn so much that I can apply to me and I'm grateful that you're a thinker and a cleaner-upper! Keep on keepin' on, Diva!

**5ft Diva** · #6 10-26-2009, 12:20 PM

Thanks for your support! Everybody needs a friend....or two....

natickgirl · #7 10-26-2009, 08:58 PM

I'm one of those people who try not to process too much, because there is so much I cannot control that I drive myself crazy trying. I cannot control feelings that are triggered by certain things (I can control my actions, but can't deny feelings). I cannot control how other people interpret what I say/do or how they react to me. If I can see there has been a misunderstanding, I will try to correct it...but I don't bend over backwards to make sure no one's feathers have been ruffled.

I have a friend who is very kind & giving, but she's been slighted so many times in her life that she is very wary of people & their motives. She tends to overprocess everything. For example, I gave her some nearly new hand-me-downs (because I love hand-me-downs & didn't want them to go to waste). She gave them back saying she "didn't need hand-me-downs anymore" because they can afford new clothes now. She acted somewhat offended--like I was looking down on her. I had to reassure her that I just didn't want the clothes to go to waste.

We also made some yummy halloween sugar cookies & took some to their family because we like to share our treats. She asked why we were bringing her cookies. I wanted to shout, "Because, that's what friends do! I have no ulterior motives!"

So I guess we all need to do what is best for us individually, but try to find something of a happy medium when possible. I should probably process more, and she should probably process less.

That probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but I appreciate the opportunity to think about these things.

**5ft Diva** · #8 10-27-2009, 10:18 AM

NG, in my little world I call that analyzing everything. To me that is very different from processing. I would agree that what you described can be and is detrimental to one's health and relationships. I consider processing to be a helpful activity. Instead of seeing a therapist, you're the therapist. I don't know if that makes sense.

Meticulous madness · #9 10-27-2009, 09:51 PM

Can I just say that I have LOVED this thread!

Emotionally constipated! LOL

That was, in addition to making me laugh, a very eye-opening description.

I'm not sure I "process" well. I'm dealing with something of that nature right now, as a result of facebook and all the new issues it has brought into my life. By issues, I mean both positive and negative. At any rate, I have felt very emotionally constipated over the last few weeks. Like, I need to find a new emotional laxative of sorts.

While I'm not entirely comfortable using these analogies, they fit. And if the shoe fits...

Anywho, I think you're very wise Diva! And when you process out loud, it definitely helps those of us around you.

natickgirl · #10 10-27-2009, 10:15 PM

5ft - Yes, I can see the difference between analyzing and processing. I think my husband analyses WAY too much. (He would probably argue that I don't analyze enough -- I'm more of a "fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" kind of gal.) But, I've realized that do process things more than I realize, and I tend to process much better when there is an "audience" to help me, such as on BnS, chatting with a friend, making a comment in Relief Society, etc. Interesting.

**5ft Diva** · #11 10-27-2009, 10:32 PM

Quote:

I tend to process much better when there is an "audience" to help me, such as on BnS, chatting with a friend, making a comment in Relief Society, etc. Interesting.

You captured my feelings exactly in this sentence - so much that it makes me want to cry. (Can you tell I'm really needing to interact with other women?) Talking things over with women, particularly women who let me talk things through, is extremely therapeutic for me. I don't know how to explain it. Even tonight, I talked w/ another woman about some things I'm dealing with and it felt so good. It has to be the mirroring effect in the conversation that brings healing into my life. Hmmmm...... Interesting. I have NEVER thought of it this way before, but it makes so much sense to me.

---------- Post added at 10:32 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:23 PM ----------

! Of course that's why I need to talk to other people! I am always telling people that I'm a visual person. I need to SEE it in order for it to make sense to me. When I talk to people they then feed back to me what they hear me saying and I can actually SEE the fruits of my labors. I can SEE how far I've come. I can SEE my level of maturity or immaturity. I can SEE my relationships with others and SEE where they're headed. I can SEE how choices others have made and choices I am making are affecting me. I can SEE where I'm at and how far I need to go. I can SEE the light at the end of the tunnel. THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!!!! I'm seriously ready to cry. I was feeling so inadequate because I always need to talk so stopped opening up, and in reality I've been cutting off the circulation to a major artery. You guys have no idea how much this thread has helped me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! (tears in my eyes)

P.S. My need to process in this way is not by accident and I know that. I don't know how I know it, I just do. When you realize your own little unique "quirks" ever wonder why they're there? Seriously, I'm sitting here wondering, "Why hast Thou designed me to be a talker?"

natickgirl · #12 10-28-2009, 11:27 PM

LOL! I'm a talker, too!!! I don't do well justing thinking & analyzing the situation, I have to DO something to figure it out, and talking is doing something (or seeing something, if you look at it that way). Typing is doing something, too. I guess I just learn, process, and express myself in a more physical way than many other people do. (Maybe I have A.D.D. and I can't think too deeply or too long! Seriously. I've often wondered....)

Dia Minha · #13 10-31-2009, 09:59 AM

Hehe, Natick I can so relate.

Sometimes when Diva is "processing" I find myself loosing ground and I just can't keep up. I find however if I continue listening or reading all the while thinking "what does this have to do with me" something will click and I learn something about myself. I guess I process through others.

I have had to be very careful with processing or maybe it is more analyzing, because I never get a decision made. Right now I am working through several things that I have come to the realization can not be processed or analyzed and just has to be a make a decision and know that if it doesn't work, I can change it later, process. I hate that process. I'm not so good at it. I get frustrated with myself for not getting it right the first time. It doesn't help that my husband hates change as much as me and hates redoing something, because I have decided I don't like it. Thus, I become an overprocessor or overanalyzier (I'm not sure I see the diffrence yet) and never get a decision made.