adolescent (and pre-adolescent) fun fun fun

[bookworm]

Okay, my children are driving me CRAZY this week!! Either they're buzzing around the house like monkeys- wrestling and jumping and making messes and leaving puddles (water ) or they're grouchy and bickering and storming through the house, or they're snails and turtles and can't move fast (this happens just when I need them to hurry) or they're giddy and goofy and can't just DO what I've asked them to do!!!

My 13-yo ds is the worst offender! The moodiness is fast and manic. He is angry and hostile and mean to everyone or he's so silly that we can't get him to stop being obnoxious long enough to accomplish anything. I don't know what to do with him! It's like riding a roller coaster against my will. He's always been so even-tempered and good and kind and especially respectful to me, but sometimes this stranger emerges wearing his skin! Last night we tried to talk him into watching a movie with the rest of the family, and it ended up with him stomping upstairs and slamming the door. Later, I talked with him about what had happened and he said, "I just don't like being controlled." I guess instead of saying, "Come watch this with us!" we should have said, "would you like to..." and then left it up to him- no pressure. We just have so much fun when we're all together, we tried to encourage him to be a part of it! Oh well... I guess this is normal stuff. I've just got to keep my cool and ride it out.

As far as the turtles go, does anyone have any suggestions for getting children moving when they're shoes seem to be full of sand? My youngest two are the offenders here- on school mornings they seem to just shift into slow motion. I hate how much I use the word "hurry". I guess I could get them up even earlier, but how much time they have seems to have no bearing on their speed- they just slow down even more when they have more time. Until I'm freaking out, they just plod along and goof off instead of getting ready.

I know some of you might say, "let them be late" or "make it their problem" but we car pool with the neighbor kids and I can't make all of them late, nor can I let my youngest two walk. I just can't let my first grade dd walk that far, even with her brother. hmm... I think I need to really think this through and come up with some strategies.

[Dia Minha]

Bookworm,

I can usually get my children moving by making it a game or a challenge. Like, let's see who can be ready before the timer goes off. Or, let's see who can be dressed and have their teeth brushed before I finish taking care of this load of laundry.

My 1st grader is the worse. I find him doing the silliest things when he is supposed to be getting ready for school. One morning last year he just wouldn't get ready. I told him if he was not ready to leave with his brother and sister he would have to stay on his bed all day until they got home from school, because I was not taking him later. He wasn't ready when they were so they left. He spent the entire day on his bed. The only time he was allowed to get off was to use the bathroom. He was so bored. It has never happened again.

[Erudite]

Oh...that's a good one, Dia. Good for you!

BW, have you discussed what is happening to the 13yods with the 13yods? The hormones do more than lower their voices and all that? My oldest ds is a few months into 12 and can be just like you describe...giddy one minute and hostile the next. But we've sat him down twice now (and I'm sure we'll have to do it again) and discussed with him that this is part of what is going on inside his body and that this teenage time is the time for him to begin to learn control of that body and his emotions and deal with both in a constructive (read: start to grow up) way. He can't be torturing his little brother just because. If he's got an emotion he doesn't know what to do with we've given him permission to say "Mom, I need to go away" and that doesn't mean he's running away, just that he's putting himself into a kind of "time-out", if you will. He's chosen to go to his room so far, but we've discussed with him that bike riding or other physical activity is a good way to handle emotions, but at the same time, we tell him "you go away now, but when you come back, you'll need to give your little brother a hug and tell him you're sorry". There are still consequences afterall. And we express our love throughout the process. We understand that emotions are normal and they don't change our love for him. And we express our pride in him when he does get a handle on the emotions.

This idea comes from the amount of time that I spent on my 10speed when I was his age. I would ride for miles and miles in "go away" mode and I was calmer and more able to deal with things when I got back. And my DH did the same. So when 12yods gets out of line and we can see his emotions are not reasonable to the situation, we say "Son, it's time for you to go away. Come back when....". He is allowed his feelings, what isn't allowed is taking them out on other people, including his parents.

Anyway, hope that helps!
E

[Erudite]

PS I think discussing it with him also helps me remember that there are some weird things going on in their teenage bodies right now. They haven't learned how to go along with things and how to be tactful and how to play without hurting and most especially how to express their feelings in a way that makes sense. We need to remember that and be their guide and teacher, not their critiquer (she said to the mirror).

[bookworm]

Thanks, ladies!
E- I actually have had some good, long chats with him about this stuff- not lectures, but just chats. We have a good relationship and we do connect well, unless he's in a hormone-induced huff. I like the "go away" idea. I'll have to feel him out and see if something like this would work for him. Thanks!

[5ft Diva]

E shared with me her idea of "going away" a while ago and it has worked wonders with my two oldest boys.

In my house, my kids aren't aloud to play PS2 after school (they LOVE PS2). It just hasn't worked out very well with our schedules to let them play after school so we set up the rule. Anyway, this has encouraged them to get ready in the morning quickly. The first six months it was like pulling teeth to get them to do anything, but after a while they decided they wanted more PS2 time so eventually they started doing what needed to be done to get as much playing time in as they wanted. They started managing their time better (this comes w/ maturity I believe). i.e., if they knew that a game would normally take an hour to get through from start to finish then they knew they needed to make lunches at night and get up earlier in order to get their hour in. You probably already do this so my suggestion probably isn't very helpful to you, but it's what has worked for me.

[Erudite]

Whew! Today was a day. I spent a half an hour with 12yods and helped him set up his planner for the week at school and dealt with "it's not graded so I don't have to do it". I was gentle for that and explained that he DID have to do it and it would help him and repeated the "always do the extra credit" mantra. He got teary-eyed with me! What's up with that? I finally figured out that I'd changed his plan without his permission. Sigh. He hates it when I do that and I do it all the time. He's made the choice to really work hard at Math and that is going well, but he's struggling to make that choice in his other courses, so I'm forever pointing out the benefits, setting up the plan, and making sure the plan is carried out. Does he actually choose anything at that point? Sighing again. It's SO important to build these habits now, you know? And he's perfectly capable of excellent grades (with the exception of spelling, which, seriously, just doesn't seem to sink in). I probably push too much.

So he leaves my presence and two seconds later he's getting louder and louder at his brother with "where is it?". I can't take that (I wasn't feeling very well and the marvelous patience I showed through the planner discussion was something to behold, but I'd had all I could take) and lost my temper at him losing his temper at his brother. Brilliant, huh? It turns out the brother was mostly innocent and the 12yods being mad was pointless and me being mad at the 12yods was also pointless. I apologized immediately and told him I wasn't feeling well, but it doesn't make it right...for either of us.

Oh...to get this parenting thing right! How do you handle the "guide" vs. the "taskmaster"?