Bickering

[5ft Diva]

BW, I moved your post so that both issues get the attention they need as I believe both are equally important parenting issues.

5D


Originally posted by Bookworm:

We haven't got a real sassy problem going on right now, but we have got plenty of bickering. I'm not looking forward to Christmas break- I need some new strategies to deal with it. I don't want to hijack this thread, but I'd appreciate hearing what works in others' households with kids near the ages of mine- 12, 11, 8, 5.

[5ft Diva]

I feel like I'm not going to answer your question sufficiently if I don't have more information. Define what bickering means in your household. What I envision you menaing is children who are constantly finding fault in everything around them and to them. Otherwise, they're the victim of everything that happens. I'm probably wrong in my thinking so that's why I want to clarify what you mean.

[bookworm]

Well bickering to me is mainly just fighting that isn't physical, and doesn't last long. It's a lot of arguing over who said what, who did what, who had that seat first, who's pants they are, who is at fault, etc. It's noisy and bothersome, and contentious. The kids get along really well unless one or more are tired or hungry (both of which will be denied if pointed out, most of the time). We've also realized just how stubborn our oldest and third DSs can be- they really dig in their heels and won't give in. The kids tend to antagonize each other, you know- pick pick pick until you get a reaction, then yelling or insulting each other. One huge problem is my oldest DS becoming hormonal! He is moody and bossy and unpredictable.

I'm a little torn- I feel like if I step in too much, I'm being controlling (and I am trying to release control lately- it's my challenge du jour), but if I don't step in, I'm nervous that it will escalate to a physical conflict- usually I step in and try to dissolve the fight simply because I can't stand the contention. My sibs and I bickered and fought (verbally as well as physically) and we are very close and get along better than any other family I've seen now- so I don't really worry too much about the lasting effects- it just makes me nuts!

[5ft Diva]

I'm afraid I can't be of much help to you where this one is concerned. Our home has tons of room for improvement in this area. I think, and I could be wrong, that this is one of those areas where the dad also sets the tone. I don't know why (I think it has to do w/ protecting the family), but it just seems to be that way in how I hear the Brethren addressing the men about these issues rather than the women.

I feel like you are the queen for disciplining your kids when it comes to this - i.e., cleaning the walls and stuff. Maybe what you used to do isn't working anymore???

What does come to mind is when Dr. Phil talks about breaking bad habits. He always says that in order to break a bad one you have to replace it w/ something else. I'm wondering if what has happened in my family (and possibly your's) is that we've just gotten into the habit of bickering and need to just replace it w/ something else and that's it. Maybe it's not necessarily disciplining them, but more training them to talk and think differently - which is learning self discipline - a priceless tool. I'm sorry this isn't very specific.

[Erudite]

Re-direction! That's my strategy. Give them something else to do. They're fighting over a game, choose a new one. Little brother needs to join a two player game? get out the toys. Re-direct. This is something I've begun teaching my oldest (11) as well so that he can not just say "Andrew is bothering me!!" I tell him, then give him something to do beside bother you. Give him the toys you're not currently playing with. Rather than being bothered, stop what you're doing and play WITH him rather than near or AT him. Re-direct.

We can't just tell them to stop. It leaves all the feelings hanging out there to be grabbed up again at the slightest provocation. They've got to have the feelings replaced with other feelings.

My other strategy, that I've gotten out of the habit of using, but it was good when I did, is to make them stop and come up with their own strategies. "There are two solutions for what is going on. What are they?" I did this so often with my kids and helped them see the other solutions to the fight, that they'd say in the most downcast way "we can keep fighting or invite Andrew to join us" (for example) and then I say, and which one will create PEACE? Often it can be both if they came up with good solutions, but if only one of them creates peace...I always say "CHOOSE PEACE". Very Bill Cosby of me, but it works!

BW, we had a thread about teenagers a LONG time ago where I remember discussing the changes their brains are going through as a result of growing up. You might see if you can find that and see if it is any kind of help to your growing up child.

[5ft Diva]

Great suggestions, E. I'm going to use these.

[Big_Sissy]

E, those are very good. Very very good.

In fact I already use re-direction some of the time. When I'm not being mad because I can't think. I will make a concerted effort to use redirection all the time. Oh, and your other option rocks too. I think my brain is too small to do both for now, so we'll stick to re-direction for now