Children's Growth Experiences

[5ft Diva]

I wrote about our success in cutting our three year old's hair w/o him crying in another thread and wanted to elaborate a little bit because I felt it was worth discussing. Also, I consider all of you my friends and if we were sitting in a room together talking (which is what I feel we're doing when we get on line together) I would discuss this w/ you so I could gain a deeper understanding of this.

Something I noticed I was doing with my kids (and trying to get away from once I realized I was doing it) was not individualizing my children's growth experiences. I was disciplining them all the same. I was teaching them all the same. I was expecting the same of all of them. Not on purpose, of course, because it is very important that my children are raised feeling that their individual needs were met. I just didn't know how to do it any different, I suppose. Is it any surprise then that I would feel like I needed to home school my son, thus learning how to individualize his education???

Anyway, back to the hair cut. In the past, BS has cut our sons' hair and all the same, too. Meaning that he just went about it the same way w/ all of them. Not much different than what I do in other areas. But last night our son said he would only get his hair cut if Mom would do it. BS looked at me like, "Congratulations! You're the lucky winner of a screaming 3 year old. Have at it!" Now, the funny part of this is, I really don't know how to cut hair so I was just having fun w/ his hair until BS could come fix it. (At the time we were both in the kitchen cutting a different boy's head of hair - it was like the Family Salon!) So in playing around I discovered what made my son nervous about hair cuts. He simply needed to feel safe. The approach we used probably didn't need to be met by the other boys in the same way and I learned w/ him what his own individual need was. After that, we were in like Flynn. The cool thing was that in the process of learning to individualize his "haircutting program" he learned to trust us as his parents even more. I know this may all sound so silly and elementary to some of you, but to me it is groundbreaking! I'm not even sure what I'm trying to discuss. Maybe I'm just needing to get it out there so I can evaluate it better from the outside looking in, but you're all on the outside, too, which is why I'm sharing this with you - you're perspective is welcomed and appreciated.

Anyway, I've just learned that when I individualize my children's growth and learning experiences (their trials - and for my 3 year old, a hair cut truly was a trial) rather than expecting them to fulfill those experiences the way this sibling or that sibling did, then I enable them to reach their potential. I see exactly what makes them tick. I begin to see how far I can push them. I begin to see where their boundaries are and can respect that they are there. I begin to see what they are made of. I learn so much more than how much this child frustrates me.

I'm so grateful for a son who was willing to be home schooled this year to help me understand the importance of using these teaching methods. I can see that I'm a totally different parent now. There is not a one-size-fits-all mold all of my children fit into because they each have their own individual mold. I'm totally amazed at you parents who naturally have this ability to see that what one child needs is not what another child will need or even that it wouldn't be good for another child. This is such a new concept to me as I've used the one-size-fits-all mold for far too long now. I can now see my kids outside of the box that I subconsciously made for them. Yeah!!!!!

Sorry so long.

[bookworm]

Good observations, Diva. Something I've been really internalizing lately is the fact that my children are NOT extensions of me. I've always known that on an intellectual level, but for some reason, I'm surprised when they like something I hate, or want to do something I have no desire to do. Case in point: music! My kids like some of the music their dad likes (no surprise, right?), which I can't stand to have played in my presence! I think this also illustrates my age... isn't it normal for parents to not like their kids' music choices? Classic...

It is amusing to watch them growing up into their own people. In many ways, when they are young, they are an extension of mom and dad, because they haven't begun to really form opinions on everything. They eat what you serve, they play with whatever toys they are given, etc. Then they get older, and they start developing likes and dislikes that have nothing to do with what their parents appreciate.

It's funny to consciously realize that I can't expect them to like everything I like, or want to do what I would like them to do with their lives, etc. I think I'm lucky to have kids who feel secure and safe enough to express their different opinions and ideas~ we have discussions, but in the end, most of what they choose is up to them. I lay down the law on some things, but most stuff is in their hands. I even let my oldest ds quit piano last month, even though it breaks my heart. He is really talented, but I realized that he isn't even trying any more; he just doesn't care about it like I want him to! It was a hard thing for me to let go of.

Anyway, your thoughts triggered this, I hope you don't think I'm trying to hijack your thread!

[5ft Diva]

I don't think you've hijacked my thread. I was looking for perspective and I got it. I find that I look through the lenses of motherhood sometimes through the distorted glasses that were passed off to me and I have to conciously remember to take them off and grab the right perscription. I am reading a book right now, "Bonds That Make Us Free" and the author right now is talking about when we see others through undistorted views we are actually seeing them in the light - the light they are putting off rather than a distorted light we want or may be tempted to see them through because we're the victim in one way or another. I believe this is actually what you're talking about. Instead of saying to yourself, "My kids are listening to this music just to drive me crazy because they know I hate this kind of music", you're saying, "I can embrace my children's differences even though they are not choices I would make for myself. I receive joy in watching my children grow up into themselves." Your post couldn't have come at a better time. It really helped me to wrap my head around this better. Thanks, BW

I think I'm lucky to have kids who feel secure and safe enough to express their different opinions and ideas~ we have discussions, but in the end, most of what they choose is up to them.

How awesome is it that your kids trust you enough to be who they are when you're around them! That is great. I hope so badly to be a mother like this. It is hard for me depending on the choice but communication makes all the difference. Usually if I can understand where they're coming from, I'm okay. Thanks for your example, BW.