Dealing w/ parents who think they're the textbook on parenting

[5ft Diva]

I have a SIL who comes across to me as someone who thinks she knows everything about parenting. Whenever someone has a problem she's right there to tell them what they should be doing to remedy their situation and that of the child's - AND - that we NEED to remedy it because we caused it in our own children.

EXCUSE ME!? How about this idea: You have magnificent kids....Congratulations!!!! Just because I'm not super-duper consistent like you say I should be in my disciplining doesn't mean that I'm a bad parent. Go find a hobby....PLEASE!

Sorry, just had to vent. This one has bothered me - like it made me mad. I don't judge you; please don't judge me. I should be more like E and look to her as my neighbor. Guess I'm not there yet. (In her defense, she usually has some really good ideas, it's just when she has the answers to the problems you didn't even know you had that don't sit well with me.)

Oh, yes. So the real reason I posted this was to figure out how all of you deal w/ people who think they know it all when it comes to parenting. I mean, do you pretend they're not there, or that you didn't hear them or what?! How do you politely say, "Shut up"? Maybe it would sound better if I said shut up in Spanish or Japanese. (This is horrible of me, I know, but I'm laughing my head off right now - I'm so immature!)

And let's give this SIL the benefit of the doubt - let's say she doesn't mean to come across this way, although I saw her smirk at me out of the corner of my eye the other day while I was correcting my daughter. (I don't think she agreed w/ my methods.)

I have sooooooo many other things to be worrying about; why am I even wasting my energy on this topic? Why?! I'll tell you why, BECAUSE I'M A DANG GOOD MOM! That's why! And honey, you can take that to the bank.

Okay, you were saying?

[runamyrun]

You ARE a dang good mom!

So, I am thinking that you need to do this and this to remedy this problem! Ha ha!

Anyway, I have been given so much advice since I became a mom. And many times what one person says, contradicts another. At first, I had a hard time with it, especially if it was a family member. After a while, I realized that I know my children best, and I need to trust myself. I know I am not a perfect mother, but I do have my strengths. There is a reason my children were put in my family. They need to learn from me, and I need to learn from them.

So, thinking these things sometimes help me let it go in one ear and out the other. Sometimes I tell them thanks if I feel nice enough! I also have to realize that usually they are giving me advice because they care about us. I do admit, it is a lot harder to do this when they are family. Good luck with it!

[5ft Diva]

Thanks, RAR. it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

[natickgirl]

I would have a hard time with that, too! Ignoring is probably the best option, 'cuz you don't want to say something you'll later regret. I have a sister who tries to give parenting advice whenever we discuss our children's behaviors. I want to shout, "I don't want you to fix my 'problem', I'm just venting/processing. I don't tell you how to parent your 'problem child'."

My philosophy is: Don't offer parenting advice unless it is asked for!!! Also, I agree that our children are sent to each of us for a reason, and I must say I'd rather deal with the issues I'm facing with my own children than some of the issues I see other's facing with theirs. Parenting is a learning process, and one person's methods won't necessarily work for someone else, especially when they are not even part of the relationship.

5 ft, I'm sure you are an awesome mom! I know you take your role as a mother & teacher very seriously, and you receive inspiration for your own children.

[Erudite]

Ditto, RAR and NG!

Remember that person who criticized me? Part of her criticism was about how I am a parent to my daughter. I've had to think a lot about it, and came to the same conclusion as RAR. My daughter is my daughter for a reason and that is likely how I choose to parent her. The fireworks and chaos that would come if I parented her like this critical woman thinks I should...? I can't hardly think about it. We'd be unhappy ALL the time!! And I would take all the joy out of the dancing my daughter is doing. And I'd SOOOO much rather have my daughter enjoy dancing and be nice to others than what could happen if she is living with a too critical mother. She'd be constantly correcting others and thinking she was so much better and that's an attitude I would NEVER want to build in her.

5D you ARE a GREAT mom!!!! I learn so much from you. You keep trusting your instincts for those under your stewardship. They're yours to receive inspiration about! And it could be that that is the way to help your SIL back off. Her experience is valuable, but only as a reference point to the inspiration you will receive in parenting your children. It is advice you don't have to take, but it is probably kindly meant.