Did you know....

[5ft Diva]

In regards to children making wrong choices:

Did you know that when you ask your children, "Why did you ______?" and they respond with the universal answer, "I don't know", what you're really asking is, "Please explain to me what need you were fulfilling when you decided to make that choice?"

I got a much better response when I asked the question, "Can you tell me what you were feeling before you made that choice?" Much more insightful, productive, speedy, etc.

I actually learned this through experience today and am hoping to save you the time and your children the agony of having to listen to you lecture about choices they themselves don't quite understand. (At least my children have to listen to me lecture even when I know it's not effective.)

Now, I have to admit this magnificent Aha! moment came courtesy of my 5yo and now need to figure out how to subtly ask a 13yo what he's feeling when he makes a choice he's unconsciously making. Any suggestions?

[natickgirl]

Great insight! It's a subtle but very important difference to the tone of the question. I'll have to give it a try. Seems like it could work on all three children: 12 yr old who is getting teen-brain; 10 yr old who has a difficult time verbalizing her feelings; and my ever-impuslive 8 yr old!

[Mamallama]

Thanks for sharing this great insight 5D!!

I do notice that whenever I ask my kids or even my dh “Why did you do that?!” they tend to immediately get into a defensive mode with the “I don’t know" response or something even more negative…..I always regret my questioning “why did you...!” as soon as it comes out of my mouth, because I know I just closed the door on discussion by putting them on the defensive....

And it doesn't help that the typical tone of my voice in asking "why" is already that of a judgemental “you’ve done something wrong that I’m not very happy about” tone which immediately puts the kids/dh’s guard up as well---so they clam up-----because now they feel they are in a no win situation….mom is already upset and if I try to answer her "why question" I might dig a deeper hole for myself and end up making her more mad….so they are safer to say “I don’t know”.

I love your example of replacing the “why” question with something like: "what were you feeling when you did or said that?"....while making sure to keep the tone of voice nonjudgemental. To me a question like this communicates that you really want to understand what is going on with them----which opens the door for “safe, open and better" communication.

Thanks again for your thoughts....I'm going to work harder on eliminating my "Why did you..."

[5ft Diva]

Just something I stumbled on, ML. I'm so glad it lent a new angle to problem solving for you! Soooooooo good to hear from you. Hope all is well.