Getting them to stand up for themselves

[Erudite]

I need some thoughts on teaching children to be their own advocate. My 11 yo ds doesn't seem to care to fight for what is right and what is good for him. We have a related problem in that he doesn't seem to have any idea that bad grades are bad. He doesn't seem to care and because he doesn't care, he doesn't follow through, doesn't ask questions, and doesn't work to get the best for himself. About the only thing he'll argue for is computer time and tv time or sleep time when we're making him stay up to finish an assignment that he's supposed to have done.

This has been going on a long time, but the specific situation is this. He did an assignment where he needed to write the answer of the questions in these ovals. Instead, he put the number of the oval next to the correct multiple choice answer. The teacher didn't notice that...only saw empty ovals...and gave him a bad grade. I asked my son why he didn't point out that he'd had the right answers to the teacher and he said "because it's already been graded". The frustrating thing about that answer is that we've already had teachers say that he'll have to take a reduction in grade for late work, but that he can still turn the work in for most of the points....so he knows that grades can be changed.

I wrote down what he needed to ask his teacher to get the points for the assignment and then had him practice (role play) what he could say to his teacher, but in the process I ENCOURAGED him to argue with his teachers when what had happened wasn't right. This was something (I'm sure those who know me will laugh...) that I never had a problem with, so it's weird finding it in my son. I don't know quite how to deal with it.

How do you get them to want what's best for them for themselves?? Is this a self confidence issue?

As a note, this son had language delays as a child. In his case, it is with expressive language. He has a hard time forming questions to ask which makes teaching him just a little difficult, because you never know where his difficulties are. Any thoughts, dear friends?

[5ft Diva]

I actually just was having thoughts along these lines today. A different situation but same concept, I think.

Okay, just thoughts here, not promising anything more than that. 1) You may have already done this but it seems to me that your son is an awful lot like your DH and so the solution could probably come from your DH. He, more than anyone, would probably understand the passiveness about your son. 2) Also, sometimes things that are important to us are not important to others. I'm going to guess that your son just doesn't hold these things important, and why would he when you're the one worrying about them? I'm sure he's thinking that there's no need for the both of us to worry about this. 3) My son has taken on the attitude lately that if he can't see an immediate reason for doing something he doesn't need to do it. If he can't see RIGHT NOW why something is important then he wants nothing to do w/ "things being done right" or for the right reason, in your case. 4) I'm going to guess this is part of him being 11 and that he's normal.

Now, do you want to settle for that answer? No, of course not! I'm just saying that I think this is part of his age. I'd get on line and find out what is the best way of approaching boys at this age for this kind of stuff if you haven't already. I'm sure there is gobs of information out there. I don't think this has anything to do w/ his speech delay. I really don't. I think this just has to do w/ his passive nature and not really caring one way or the other because....oh who knows why, he's a boy, their logic is always so..."special". I really think the answer lies with your husband. For some reason at this age, Dad has a HUGE impact on them. I hear that provision is the skill you're trying to teach him...who better to teach him that than the person who provides for your family? I know you both work so I hope you know what I mean by this.

[Erudite]

Thanks, 5D. Gotta think this through and do some research and I'll report back.

[Erudite]

Here's an update on this situation.

I asked my Mom about this issue and she said it sounded like he was feeling intimidated by his teachers. This makes perfect sense because his teacher last year was very intimidating (even I wasn't comfortable with her and as you know, not many people intimidate me). So I asked him about it, and how he felt about his teacher last year and how he felt about his teachers this year. He admitted that he'd worked hard to stay off the bad side of the teacher last year, but that his teacher this year didn't seem to have a bad side. (I wish he'd shared that with me LAST YEAR!!) Anyway, we talked about approaching his teachers and how they wanted to help and they were nice if you just ask and so on. We also talked about becoming proactive and what does that mean. AND finally we talked about the fact that all of his "fun" privileges were going to be taken away until he'd completed his obligations. So he can choose to be proactive or forfeit his fun privileges.

So today, first, he says he doesn't have anything to do...sigh...all that talk yesterday...! I reminded him of what needs to be done. I made the list of his obligations but asked him to choose the order in which they'd be completed. It's 2pm in the afternoon now and he's on #5 of a 7 item list and I've only had to push a couple of times to remind him to go back to the list and keep moving on it. I'll probably have to make the list a bunch more times and then at some point he'll take over making the list and following through on it....that's my theory.

I also put notes in his planner (which he should be looking at daily) to build his self concept as well as give him goals to be working toward. I hope this will all work, but you're right in that I do need to figure out how to involve DH more. He's just not home when the bulk of all these issues have to be dealt with. We'll get there though!!

[5ft Diva]

This just goes to show that a mother's intuition is not to be overlooked. I'm glad you were able to figure out the root of the problem and then quickly come up w/ a solution. Glad I could help you weed out what the problem wasn't!