"Giving Children 'The Gift of Work'"

[Dia Minha]

I was able to attend the BYU Women's Conference and wanted to share what I learned in one of my most favorite class, "Giving Children 'The Gift of Work'".

The first speaker was Laura Adams. She told an updated, modern version of the Little Red Hen. The Little Red Hen was the mother in the story and the other animals the children. She then finished by quoting Eleanor Roosevelt, "The surest way to make it hard for our children, is to make it easy for them. One way to do more for them is to do less." Loved, loved, loved it. I think it is going on my wall.

One of her favorite things to tell her children was they don't have to do chores, you get to.

She gave seven main ideas of how to better encourage and strenghthen our children in their working abilities.

1. Recognize limitations or lack of knowledge. Assign age appropriate tasks.
2. Set realistic expectations for age.
Share what needs to be done and how often
Write it down works better than constantly having to tell
Make a detail list. For example, pick up all your toys and put them in the appropriate baskets in the closet. If you just tell her to pick them up then you have to be ok with them ending up on the floor in the closet. Remember that with some children, if they can't see it, it is cleaned up, so their expectations will be different than yours. Shoving it under the bed or in the closet is cleaning up, unless you instruct them otherwise.
3. Teach by working together. This of course will take longer, but think about the goal being teaching the child, instead of getting it all done or done by a certain time.
4. Praise and parise often
Praise when they finish a job. Wait until next time time to instruct how to do it better. I loved this. I could never figure out how to instruct a child to do a better job, without it coming across as negative. I can't wait to implement this.
5. Teach children how to serve, through example and encourage service by providing opportunities for them. Some children will recognize the joys of a job well done only while helping someone else and seeing their gratitude and happiness in return.
6. Teach your children to see work as a blessing.
7. Make time for play. Think opposition in all things. They will enjoy playing after hard work and they will enjoy the hard work more when they know they will get time for play.

The second speaker was Hank Smith. He was amazing!

He first made a point to present these basic ideas:
"God doesn't care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are, and with His help, where you are willing to go." Jeffery R. Holland in his talk titled "Remember Lots Wife" found here: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]
"It is not fair to judge past choices with present knowledge"
"No other success can compensate for failure in the home." (President David O. Mckay), however, "Successful parenting is not judged by the righteousness of the children" (not sure where that one came from). In other words, you can be doing everything you can and your children still might not listen. However, you will be judge by your efforts and not how your children turned out. They still have their free agency.

He taught about the gospel principle of work and wanted us to make sure we were as opened minded as we could be. He did not want us to take the time to think back on our past mistakes, but just make a commitment to be better. He did a wonderful job.

"This is my WORK and my glory" Heavenly Father has work, so should we and we must teach our children the importance of the principle of work. Understanding this principles ties in with understanding the principle of keeping the Sabbath. If we do not work, how do we rest from our labors?

He gave three key ideas on how to do this:
1. Partner up
Everyone bulks at being pulled, pushed or told what to do. (Review Elder Ballards talk on horse training). He made an excellent point that this is actually a safety or protection. If we demand that our children do things, and make them do them, they might loose the ability to say no when told by friends to do inappropriate things like drinking and drugs. We must give our children opportunities to make their own decisions and mistakes now, so that they are prepared for harder choices in the future. So instead of pushing, pulling or telling, we need to partner up with them. Work with them side by side to get a job done.

2.Be Positive
A former patriarch told him what he had learned after giving almost 1,000 patriarchal blessings. "God is always positive." I'm sure that Heavenly Father could tell each of his children through this blessing what they need to fix and how they need to fix it, however, He chooses to only give us positive feedback and instruction. We must also do the same for our children. Remember the goal is to teach children how to work, not neccessarily to get more work done, faster or better. That will come with time "There is a difference between what Good could say and what He does say".

3. Be Patient
Elder Bednar gave a talk on lawn care and how particular he was with his immaculate yard. He thought it time to teach his son, who on the first try hacked and wacked his yard into sheds. When he went to talk to him about the horrible sight he stopped himself and remembered it was more important to teach his son how to work, than it was to have the most beautiful lawn. His son now does it better than himself.

Thanks for the opportunity to share. Please enjoy, comment, discuss, and allow me to learn more!

[runamyrun]

Thank you for sharing this. This was one of the classes that I had really wanted to attend, but it was in the opposite direction of where my next class would be, so I didn't go to it. I had really wanted to know what they discussed.

[Mamallama]

Wow!! What an amazing class---power packed with insights. I love all the emphasis on "'getting' to work" asbeing a positive experience....wish I could have taken this class way back when.....such great ideas!!

I especially like the part about writing down what specifically needs to be done instead of saying clean the bathroom or clean this room....breaking it down into specifics makes a huge difference.

One thing that has worked well in our house for Saturday Chores is I post a list of what needs to be done for that specific Saturday, and written across the top says how many items each person needs to do....usually three or four tasks.....
I let my kids choose their jobs....first come first serve....they initial which job they want to do, run do it, come back and check it off....then initial the next job, run and do it, and so forth.

It's amazing what a difference it makes when they get to have a choice in which jobs they are going to do....I don't have to get after them and feel mean ordering everyone around----I just say, go check the list to see what you can do.... If they sleep-in, they are stuck with the tasks that are left over, but they know it's their own fault and don't even complain. When they've checked off all of their jobs, they let me know, I do a quick check and then they are free to go.


I like the part also that says to work side by side with your kids. I know when I take the time to do this, it not only helps to teach my kids how to get the job done, but also is a great opportunity to talk, joke and laugh together.

I'm really not very organized with chores on a daily basis....sometimes I feel like a failure as a Mom when I hear other Moms talking about the daily chores their kids do----It just got to be so frustrating to me and all of us that I gave up trying to do that long ago------I figure school and homework is enough of a job and then with everyone running in different directions sports/scouts etc.. it's just too stressful for ME.----I try and get them to pick up after themselves and everyone helps with putting dishes in the dishwasher etc...---but as for chores in an organized way---Saturday is that SPECIAL day!

Anyhow, thanks Dia for sharing so many of the wonderful things that you've learned from this class. Sounds like the whole conference was a great!

[Meticulous madness]

Thanks for sharing all of that, Lydia. The insights and ideas are wonderful and you spent a lot of unselfish time writing it out for us to enjoy also.

The parts that spoke to me:
- The idea of making suggestions or teaching a better way to complete a task the NEXT time a child does it. The present time should be reserved for praise and gratitude for effort. Wow. Such a simple change and I bet the effects are dramatic. I will definitely be incorporating it in my home.

I have been perplexed about this topic for quite some time. It always seemed helpful to offer suggestions right away, while it's fresh in my memory (and the child's). But I have found that my sensitive children feel hurt by constructive criticism, no matter how gentle I think I'm delivering it at the time. Making general comments and offering tips later may help a child not feel personally attacked, or unappreciated.

- Second, I love the former Patriarch's observation about God being positive. Again, it's something I will try to incorporate in my own home. Maybe a new mantra for when I feel the urge to criticize at all. Focusing on the good definitely has a way of making the sun shine a little brighter!!!

- Third, I like the aspect of TEAMWORK, but (and this is a big butt) I'm struggling with the dynamics right now as a mom of young children. I wonder if I have focused too much on teamwork and it's backfired (if it's even possible).

So, here's my scenario...
(***WARNING*** it's a novel, so feel free to ignore the rest unless you have the time) - And for those who continue to read, please feel free to comment or make suggestions.

I had an incredible institute teacher who's "constant serving" family tradition inspired me a great deal. The jist was...his wife had a method for assigning chores, and decent flexibility on the deadline/timing, which helped the kids feel they had many choices (other than the choice NOT to do chores). The details of her method aren't important here, but what was (and is) compelling to me was that, along with assigning these tasks and doing all of her own mom tasks, she CONSTANTLY would help her children complete theirs. She helped anytime she saw them working, unless she literally could not spare the time, which was rare.

My teacher thought his wife just planned on helping the kids when they were were young and needed it, but it seemed to become a tradition (and kind of a cute family joke) and she continued to help them as they got older and older. She never really verbalized the "need" to help or serve when a person is able (atleast not while she was doing it). She didn't demand that her kids help eachother, or that they strongly consider helping her, when the tables were turned. If she said anything at all, it was stuff like, "Wow, that looks tiring - would you like some help?" Or "It looks like I have a few minutes of spare time, can I help so you can finish faster, and get on to more important, fun things?"

The miracle to the husband/dad was that each child seemed to learn and emulate this behavior without ever really being told. Learning by example is certainly not a new idea, and it's not rocket science, but he just didn't think about how powerful it really was until he witnessed it so dramatically in this way.

They helped each other all the time (many times when it wasn't even convenient). One day his teenage son came home with all of his buddies and saw his sister doing a job, and struggling. He stopped what he was doing, told his friends he'd be back in a minute (and to go on without him if they needed to) and he went to help his sister. The dad, who had also come over to help, watched as the son unselfishly stepped in quicker (reassuring his dad he had it under control). He talked about how that specific experience, which was just one of many more, overwhelmed him with love and admiration for the woman he married and the type of mom she was.

I decided then and there that I was going to do this. I was going to be the "helping" mom an wife, as often as possible. And I believe I have done a good job. I should be proud. But, honestly, I think I've created a few monsters along the way.

Something went terribly wrong. I can't tell if it's just a phase for my girls (I'm hoping so) but they seem to EXPECT me to help and can't seem to do anything on their own without whining, attitude, crying, bickering, etc. And sadly, DH isn't much better.

So, I am left to wonder how to fix things and still carry on with this wonderful "teamwork" tradition, because I totally believe in it. Was my timing wrong? Did I need to allow a certain learning process to happen? Like, 1) teach child, 2) watch them do it on their own for a while, 3)when a certain amount of time has gone by and they learn completely how to do it on their own - jump in and help them. Would they learn to appreciate the difference, but not rely on it, expect it or demand it?

What do you all think?

And Dia, were there more details to the "Teamwork" aspect that might help my specific situation? I hope I havent veered too much from the topic, or from your invitation to comment.