How do I help my child deal w/ his frustrations better?

[5ft Diva]

I need some suggestions on how to deal w/ a child who's first reaction is to cry and say he hates everyone instead of working things out w/ his siblings. He acts out of control and I don't know how to talk him through his rage. I know this approach isn't going to work much longer because he's in school. Have any of you dealt w/ a similar situation?

I'll give you an example: yesterday my boys were playing Uno, the card game. The two were teaming together so the third would lose (like coordinating their draw 2's and such). He caught onto this very quickly and told them to stop. Every time he told them to stop it was a little stronger and louder until finally he was yelling at them. Finally when he had had enough, he started crying and yelling and telling them that he hated all of them and never would play w/ them again....you know how this goes. I could feel his anger and frustration, and quite frankly, I didn't blame him for being frustrated. I understand the feeling of powerlessness when I've told someone older and bigger to stop doing something and they continue to do it but don't want to stop playing w/ them because of wanting their acceptance. Anyway, I'm just wondering what I could do in the future to help him not get so frustrated and come up w/ solutions. I feel I haven't been very clear here so if you're confused, let me know. I would really like to know your thoughts.

[Dia Minha]

Diva, I think I understand. My oldest son is the same way. He tends to get over angry at just about everything.

When I can see him boiling over, I just tell him to walk away. This works if he is in the middle of a confrontation with a sibling. If he is in the middle of one with me, I just tell him I will talk to him after he settles down and then I walk away.

So like with your son getting frustrated with the game. When you find him that angry, you could just let him know that he is free to walk away. If his brothers are gaining up on him it is probably to get a reaction out of him. So by him learning to walk away they won't get the reaction they are after and it will stop eventually. However, the trick is for him to learn when to walk away and when to stick it out. You wouldn't want him to get in the habit of just quiting when things weren't going is way.

Hope that helps.

Dia

[5ft Diva]

That's a good point. My philosophy has been to just let him work things out but I could definitley improve on helping him understand when to walk away and when to see it through.

So when have you told your kids to draw the line between walking away and seeing things through? I'm just curious. I'm not sure if I've helped them draw one for themselves as I can see it would be different for each one.

[Dia Minha]

Well, I think it is one of those things that you will just know. With my son, if he is fighting with a sibling over what game to play or the rules, and getting irate, then I tell him to walk away. If he is getting upset, because he is losing, then I tell him he needs to calm down and stick it out.

Does that help?

Dia

[Dia Minha]

The most important thing you are teaching him is to control his anger. It is ok to be angry, it is not ok to yell or hit. Make sense?

Dia

[Dia Minha]

We just had a little melt down over dinner. So it occurred to me to add this. We use timeouts differently than most people.

If I notice my son getting really upset over something, but he hasn't done anything wrong yet, he gets sent to time out to cool off. Usually this is just in his room or where ever he would like to go to spend some time by himself. Sometimes he heads to his room where he beats on his pillow or throws his stuffed animals. I'm fine with that as long as he is not causing any permanent damage and is not hurting anyone else. When he has decided that he is cooled off enough to join us he is welcomed back.

When he looses his cool and does the hitting or the hurting or whatever, than he gets placed on time out, with his bottom on the floor and his back against the wall, for a certain amount of time. However, if his timer rings and he is still stewing, he has to remain in timeout until he cools off.

Eventually, he will learn to recognize when to leave the situation and remove himself before loosing it. Until then I will keep reminding him. There are times I have see him walking away and praise him for realizing he needed to leave the situation. I have hope he will get it before to long.

Dia

[5ft Diva]

Originally Posted by Dia Minha

Well, I think it is one of those things that you will just know. With my son, if he is fighting with a sibling over what game to play or the rules, and getting irate, then I tell him to walk away. If he is getting upset, because he is losing, then I tell him he needs to calm down and stick it out.

Does that help?

Dia

Sure, I was just wondering what your approach was. Sounds good.

[5ft Diva]

Originally Posted by Dia Minha

We just had a little melt down over dinner. So it occurred to me to add this. We use timeouts differently than most people.

If I notice my son getting really upset over something, but he hasn't done anything wrong yet, he gets sent to time out to cool off. Usually this is just in his room or where ever he would like to go to spend some time by himself. Sometimes he heads to his room where he beats on his pillow or throws his stuffed animals. I'm fine with that as long as he is not causing any permanent damage and is not hurting anyone else. When he has decided that he is cooled off enough to join us he is welcomed back.

When he looses his cool and does the hitting or the hurting or whatever, than he gets placed on time out, with his bottom on the floor and his back against the wall, for a certain amount of time. However, if his timer rings and he is still stewing, he has to remain in timeout until he cools off.

Eventually, he will learn to recognize when to leave the situation and remove himself before loosing it. Until then I will keep reminding him. There are times I have see him walking away and praise him for realizing he needed to leave the situation. I have hope he will get it before to long.

Dia

Thanks for the examples, Dia.

[runamyrun]

Yes, thanks Dia for all of the suggestions. My son can easily become frustrated and starts yelling. I really liked your idea of having him sit by himself until he is calm. I should do this with my son. I think it will help!

[Dia Minha]

I have been thinking about this and I wanted to add. Remember a while ago we talked about how to teach our children values and not just a bunch of rules. I think this is one of those times were for me I am teaching my son so much more than just to walk away.

When I think about it, I'm also teaching him that he can't always control what the other person is doing. However, he can control himself. He can't always control the situation. However, he can always control how he deals with situation.

Is this making any sense to anyone, but me?

Dia

[LostnFound]

I just wanted to add my own personal experience with our middle son and teaching him to walk away and count to ten. It has really helped with his crying. His crying was becoming a daily behavior from him. This was because he was not able to communicate in the heat of the moment and he was reverting back to his toddler days and would just start crying to handle to situation.

He now has to walk away and count to ten and take deep breaths. If he is then concerned with what happened to him he can come and talk to his parents. We will decide if action needs to be taken.

We also have a rule around our house called "No biggy piggy" We have had a few good talks with all of the kids on things that are important to them and things that should be no big deal and label it a "No biggy piggy". Before the kids can tattle on each other they have to give it some deep thought on if it is important or in the category of "No biggy piggy." It has really helped put life into perspective on letting things go and not making such a big deal about it.

[5ft Diva]

Originally Posted by Dia Minha

I have been thinking about this and I wanted to add. Remember a while ago we talked about how to teach our children values and not just a bunch of rules. I think this is one of those times were for me I am teaching my son so much more than just to walk away.

When I think about it, I'm also teaching him that he can't always control what the other person is doing. However, he can control himself. He can't always control the situation. However, he can always control how he deals with situation.

Is this making any sense to anyone, but me?

Dia

Yes, my sentiments exactly!

[5ft Diva]

Originally Posted by LostnFound

I just wanted to add my own personal experience with our middle son and teaching him to walk away and count to ten. It has really helped with his crying. His crying was becoming a daily behavior from him. This was because he was not able to communicate in the heat of the moment and he was reverting back to his toddler days and would just start crying to handle to situation.

He now has to walk away and count to ten and take deep breaths. If he is then concerned with what happened to him he can come and talk to his parents. We will decide if action needs to be taken.

We also have a rule around our house called "No biggy piggy" We have had a few good talks with all of the kids on things that are important to them and things that should be no big deal and label it a "No biggy piggy". Before the kids can tattle on each other they have to give it some deep thought on if it is important or in the category of "No biggy piggy." It has really helped put life into perspective on letting things go and not making such a big deal about it.

This is awesome advice, LnF! I'm so glad I asked my question, although I thought it might sound silly since it seems like I should be able to deal w/ such a small concern. Thank you! I love this thought. This doesn't just help the one son I was questioning about but it also helps w/ all of my boys. Keep your wisdom coming!!!!!!