How do you show kids support?

[5ft Diva]

What are the different ways you show your kids that you support them in whatever they're pursuing? And I mean w/ anything, it could be sports, music, drama, academics, friends, choices, etc..

[Erudite]

I use a lot of praise. I help where I can and stay out of it and let them do it if they can do it by themselves. I've read that we don't empower our kids enough to believe they can do things by themselves. I remember resenting as a child/teenager that my parents weren't more involved in my life, but I suppose that did build a "can do" attitude in me. I want to be involved in their lives, but never have them think that they aren't capable.

[bookworm]

My step-mom and dad were resistant to help me get where I needed to be in order to be involved in extra-curricular things and work a job and anything else I wanted to do. They came to all my shows, though. I was in a play one week before graduating at Ricks. They came to the play but not the graduation. So I got a pretty mixed bag.

Personally, I attend everything that my children are involved in, and I will drive them to and from practices when they are too far to walk. My parents made it clear that they weren't going to help me in any way that inconvenienced them. I always felt like that was wrong- my personal opinion is that my kids are only going to be kids ONCE- they will only have one jr. high experience, one time to be on the HS bball team or whatever- I'm going to help them do what they want, if I can. I feel like it's part of my job as mom to help them get there- I drive all the way to Grantsville for my son's piano lessons because that's where the best teacher is-- she's exactly who we need teaching him, and he's dedicated enough to learning that it's worth it.

Also, LOTS of positive feedback- I encourage them to do anything and everything they want to- writing, creating, music, sports... I want my son to look back and say, "My mom believed in me..." not, "My mom told me to have a fall-back plan in case I didn't make the NBA..." you know?

On the other hand, I will not do my kids' homework for them, I will not make friends for them, I will not let them out of chores for laziness, I have very high expectations for their behavior, and I'm a pretty strict mom by most standards.

I whole-heartedly support them in whatever I can, but it's up to them to make it happen. I'll drive DS to basketball tryouts, but I'm not going to whine to the coach if he doesn't make the team.

My only regret in this area of parenting is that we don't have the money to put our daughter in dance, tumbling or music lessons. DS #2 would love to pick up a second instrument, but I just can't afford it. DS #3 would be amazing at sports, but I can't pay for it right now. And DS #1 would love to do a basketball clinic or camp one summer, but that is out of range, too. Oh well... I do what I can.

[5ft Diva]

Well put, BW. Your thoughts are very insightful. You know, I had the thought as I was reading your post, BW, that there is One wiser than you that knows that if you could you would pay for those things, but that if you were to be able to give your kids those kinds of experiences they would become distracted from the things they are to accomplish in life. --Just a thought.

I often wonder how I can show my kids more support. For instance, I have a son who is playing an instrument. We pay quite a hefty amount to rent it every month and he chooses not to play it. Everyone I've talked to has said that we should let him continue playing the instrument because he loves 'belonging' to the group of kids he's playing w/, but there's part of me that says that we've given him a whole year and he's not shown us, here at home, that he's taking it seriously. This probably doesn't make any sense to any of you so I guess I'm just venting. I'm thinking that we need to pray for another opportunity in the future to present itself that will cost less, but have the same effect on him. I guess that's a way of being supportive as well.

[bookworm]

Oh, I know EXACTLY what you mean. That's why I let my oldest DS quit piano- he just wasn't into it and why was I spending all that $$?

Quick digression here- he is already noticing how the girls in the ward ooh and aaah over his brother being able to play for mutual opening exercises- and he doesn't get that kind of attention... ahem...

Anyway, reading your post, I actually was thinking, if he's not practicing why keep paying for it? Maybe he can pay for it on the months he doesn't feel like practicing? Or if it's too expensive, I would have a chat with my son about how dedicated he really is- there are other ways for him to have that same experience- choir, sports, etc. without all the cost every month.

My third son doesn't practice piano with very much dedication. I happily remind him (almost) every day to give the piano some attention, but some days he prefers stomping and ignoring me to practicing. Recently he asked me to switch him over to his brother's teacher. I explained that she costs more, so he will have to show me that he is serious about piano before I will commit to that. His current teacher is fine, so I'm not worried- either way. He has until the end of summer to show me that he is ready to move up. If not, he'll stay put. He doesn't want to quit, he just isn't that dedicated.

Anyway, I totally understand what you're saying. It's a decision that has to be made based on the child and what you feel inspired is best for him, but I would probably give him the choice- either you practice, or you quit. On the other hand, though, I hate letting my kids be "quitters" too, so I made my oldest DS stay in piano probably a year longer than he wanted to. Not sure whether that was a mistake or not... hmm...

How do you balance not being a quitter and knowing when to say when?

[Dia Minha]

While reading a thought came to me. What if you paid him to practice and then that money would in return pay for the rental on his instrument? For example if your paying $30 a month to rent his instrument, pay him a dollar a day or a dollar for every 1/2 he should be practicing a day. That way if he misses a day or two he could still make it up. If he does not practice enough to pay for the rental on his instrument than he gets it taken away. Anyway just a thought. I might try this on my own children.

[5ft Diva]

I think the point I was trying to make was completely missed here. Or maybe I'm misunderstanding what is being said here. When I said that there may be other things he'd (he representing any one of your children) be distracted from in life if he were to pursue the things he desires now I meant, for example, say he would love to be an NBA player so he wants you to put him in all the latest bb camps and stuff like that. Well, if his 'mission' in life were in a different direction, say a doctor or counselor (think of all the people he could help) then he'd possibly be distracted from the obvious because he was going for what felt good at the time. Does this make any sense? It was an 'out there' kind of thought and totally remote, and I feel like maybe it still didn't come through. Anyway, that's all I meant. I'm not sure how the piano practice thing tied into this. I hope I didn't give you unintended pressure. I think I might be confused.....

[bookworm]

What? No, I don't know what you're saying, but I feel no pressure- I just say what I think pertains- apparently I got it wrong! Sorry...

Are you saying that if you recognize your child's mission, but he's pursuing something else what do you do? I don't think I understand what you're asking...

[5ft Diva]

LOL! It was just a random comment. No biggie. I'm just gonna chalk this one up to poor communication on my part.