I'm feeling out of control!

[5ft Diva]

I'm a totally out of control mother right now because every time I ask my kids to do anything they fight me on the issue. (I say out of control because I have noticed that for the last solid week I've been nothing but reactive instead of proactive.) My 13 year old has some snippity comment on EVERY thing I talk to him about. It's tiresome. I have another son who tells me that he won't do anything unless I give him a good reason for why I'm asking him to do it. I explained to him tonight that I don't always have time to explain to him what the reason is and that it would be nice if he could just trust me enough to know that I have a good reason and that I will explain when I have time later. Then he argued that..... It's exhausting. I'm just not sure what to do about this and I know this isn't going to get better any time soon. How do I gain control of myself and my feelings while my children are exercising their agency in this way?

[5ft Diva]

Usually when nobody responds to something I've written it's because I didn't make sense. So....I'll let you all off the hook. I prayed about my "situation" last night and received a wonderful and very unexpected answer. It was good to get it out on BnS anyway. Thanks!

[natickgirl]

I think nobody responded because there wasn't time to respond...I just saw the post now.

Sometimes just writing /talking about a situation starts our minds & spirits working on a solution. I'm glad you received some inspiration!

Just know that you are NOT alone...most of it is age-related and will probably last until about age 16+. (That's encouraging, isn't it? Not!) I can't even begin to number the times I've said to my 12 yr. old "I have my reasons--I don't have to explain them to you & you don't have to agree with them, but you must respect them." To which he replies, "But, Mom,...."

Any insights you'd like to share with the rest of us who are facing the same issue?

[5ft Diva]

Oh, I guess I did only just post this last night. I feel like it's been up there forever - probably because I've been frustrated for over a week now.

16, eh? I'll just hang tight til then.

As far as my insights (assuming "you" meant me) - I have none in regards to parenting. I can tell you though that when I prayed last night about my feelings and frustrations I expressed to Heavenly Father how disappointed I was in myself for reacting to everything rather than being proactive. I explained to him that I just needed to know how to do it better.

The answer: I'm going crazy because I'm wound up too tight so I need to get out and unwind. I got the distinct impression that my children aren't changing anytime soon and that I already have all the tools I need and know how to use them; I just need to be in the right state of mind to use them. When I pondered on what it meant to unwind my mind was impressed with several different activities and/or interests I pursue when outside the home that help me loosen up. I guess what I was basically told was it's the stress that's talking and not me.

Seriously, didn't we just have this same conversation on another thread....something about living with someone who isn't going to change....and being in the right state of mind to "endure" it? Boy, I'm a thick-headed student!

[natickgirl]

...You and me both!

[Erudite]

Oh! You totally have to let me tell you my experience last week with our daughter.

All of my children were auditioning for musicals at the school. So, with my meager audition experience, I asked them to audition for me with the intention of giving them pointers. So my 9 year old does her audition. She's bouncing around and not standing up straight and thus looks like a 9 year old gone silly (is there any other kind?) and I say stuff like: stand up straight, don't fidget, stop leaning against the dresser, sing louder...until she's totally in tears and refuses to do another thing. So then, I turn to my 13 yods and say ok, go ahead and sing for us...oddly enough HE refuses to do anything and even says he doesn't want to do the play at all. What's up with these kids who say they want to and can't take a couple of pointers to help them prepare?

So something happens in the house and I'm called away and in that time realize that I have spent the last 20 minutes PICKING on a child who had no idea why. Yeah...talk about thick. So I go back and call to all of them and explain my audition experience and what I did and what the directors did. Then I apologized to my daughter and explained why standing up straight and holding still means that you can control your singing voice better and be less nervous...and well, the auditioning went much better after that. I even showed them my audition song and asked them to tell me what I did that helped.

Anyway, I learned that NOT taking the time to explain the WHY of something was not going to work for these children. They just feel picked on for no reason. So I noted that in my "working on parenting" mental notes, to be a little more patient and explain whenever I can.

(end of the story? my 13 yods decided he didn't want to sing and asked if he could be on the stage crew instead. My 11 yodd is a flower and my 9 yodd is a squirrel in Little Red Riding Hood. Neither is happy about their very small parts and how boring the songs are so both are considering not doing the play. I suggested that they consider that if we practiced for the audition more next time and stayed in the play now to do a super job on even a small part, maybe they'd get a bigger part next time. But I'm letting them think about it and choose.)