Living by Principles

[5ft Diva]

Recently, I have become aware that I am a mother who rules w/ rules. I am wanting to break off from this archaic fashion of parenting and flow into the empowering lifestyle of principled living, hence, this is where you all come in. What principles do you teach your children so that they are governing themselves rather than having rules that just give them a boundary. This has been my problem and my kids are getting old enough that I'm realizing that they don't know what to do in certain situations because I've done a poor job of teaching them principles. I hope this makes sense.

[5ft Diva]

Okay, not a soul has responded so let me put this another way. I'll give you an example. One of the rules I tell my kids is, "We don't hit". The principle to this would be "Treat others the way you would like to be treated". That way you don't have to have a rule that says, "Don't kick", "Don't spit", "Don't punch", etc..... The don't .... tells them what they can't do but doesn't teach them really how to govern themselves, the "treat others the way you would like to be treated" does. Anyway, does this give you a better idea of what I'm looking for? What principles do you teach your children so that they can make good choices for themselves? I know this is kind of a dumb question but I'm really trying to wrap my head around this as it's a total mind shift for me.

[Big_Sissy]

I think it's a great topic. And I'm all for it.

We'll have to decide what the pricipals should be so I can be on the same page with you. That way when someone punches the other, we know what to say.

[Dia Minha]

I wasn't ignoring your post. It was just one I had to think about for a while. I still don't know exactly what to say. Except for I understand.

When my oldest two were still just quite little, I got in the habit of telling them just don't make mess. Well, ten minutes later the craft supplies and toys would be strewn out all over the place. I would be upset and storming around telling them to pick up their mess. They would just look at me funny.

It wasn't until my mom asked me if they knew what a mess was that I realized they didn't. The toys weren't a mess, they were toys. The craft supplies weren't a mess, they were crayons, paper, and scissors.

So, I sat them down and tried to explain to them what I meant. The next day my oldest came in while I was baking and looked at the kitchen and said, "Mom, you made a mess." Yeah they had finally gotten it, right? Not quite. Mom made messes, they were just playing with their toys.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I believe it is something that has to be taught over and over. You might have to decide on the principle you want to teach them and then explain to them each time they break the principle how they did so.

For example, you mentioned "treat others, as you would like to be treated". So when son #1 hits son #2 you sit him down and ask him if he likes it when someone hits him. Well, of course not so that is why we do not hit. Is this making sense at all? I see it in my head and I know how it works at my house. I just don't think I am doing a very good job explaining it.

One thing we have been working on is the principle (if you can call it that) of cleaning up after ourselves. The children complain about having to pick up the babies toys or rinse and load someone else's dishes. I validate their feelings. I explain to them that it would be nice if everyone took care of their own things. Sometimes they are to little like the baby and we need to help them. Other times it is just our responsibility to make sure it gets done and we just need to do it. However, I also remind them that they don't always take care of their things. When they leave their dirty clothes on the floor or their dishes in the sink, that means someone else has to take care of them. Hopefully as they mature they will start not only picking up after themselves, without so many reminders, they will also be more aware and grateful to the people that serve them, seemingly unnoticed.

So, in this case two principles are being taught. But again it's not something you can just sit them down and say look this is the way it needs to be. They need to practice and see it in motion, a lot, in order to pick it up.

I know your good about asking questions if you didn't get it. So, I will quit rambling now.

Dia

[LostnFound]

One of the most important principles that are taught by my husband and I are manners. It is important to us for our children to be thankful towards others. If someone gives my children a ride home from school. I want to know that they have told that person "Thank you for the ride." When Grandma sends a birthday card and five dollars it is important for me to teach my children to call her and thank her.

I grew up eating dinner in front of the television. When I met my husband it was so important to him to eat at the dinner table all together and teach the children manners at the table. It makes going to restaurants with younger children much easier.

Another principle my that is very important for my husband to teach my boys is how to value women. Girls go first. You never talk back to Mom or else. And for some odd reason he has taught the boys to never get into my purse. I really don't understand this one but he thinks it is wrong for anyone especially boys to get into my purse. I really don't care, but it is important to him. So if they want gum or chapstick they have to ask me to dig it out for them.

[Dia Minha]

I just reread your post and realized I was a little off track. I finally did share a principle that we are working on at our house, but I went on and on about how to teach principles and didn't share what principles we teach.

The number one principle at our house is to listen to the spirit. I think when it comes to keeping our children safe when we are not around, listening to the spirit covers all the basics. I could go over and over again about looking both ways before crossing the street, or not talking to strangers, (and I do). However, the only thing that can keep them safe is the Holy Ghost. If they have learned to listen for and to the whisperings of the still small voice they will be able to recognize a "stranger" or feel when there is danger.

Dia

[LostnFound]

That could be taught more frequently at my home Dia. Excellent reminder. Many thanks.

[smed]

All of these things are so wonderful, I love all of your ideas! In fact I've been thinking on the same lines as you all and have been wondering what's next to be teaching my children, the thing that keeps comming up in my mind is to pray! Pray for a lost toy, Pray Morning, Noon and at night, Pray when your frighten, Pray when they are worried and scared. I want to teach them that trough prayer they will be comforted, and that Heavenly Father is always with them no matter what!

[Big_Sissy]

Dia (and anyone else)

In your first post you mentioned "don't make a mess"

Can I suggest that that is a goofy request -- What I mean is that your children are right, you were making a mess too, making a mess is fine -- Cleaning up after yourself is the key (principle).

So as I understand this (And I'm still trying to wrap my head around this), the principal would be to clean up after yourself. Would that be a principal? If not, how could you turn that into one?

[5ft Diva]

Originally Posted by Big_Sissy

I think it's a great topic. And I'm all for it.

We'll have to decide what the pricipals should be so I can be on the same page with you. That way when someone punches the other, we know what to say.

Ummm....as I recall, we are on opposite ends of the earth on this one because your answer is always, "Punch 'em back" or "You got what you deserved". Am I hearing that you're re-thinking your approach?

[Big_Sissy]

Uhm DUH! I know a correct principal when I hear one.

You have to realize that they don't always follow the principles taught and sometimes, a little "reality" doesn't hurt. We don't live in a dream world.

We don't hit is a rule.

We treat others as we want to be treated is a principle.

Now either of those are taught before the actual hitting -- Once the hit has gone down, what then? Reinforce the principle?

Obviously, you like to be hit since you hit your brother, so he's now going to hit you back.

He doesn't necessarily have to hit him, but it sure helps drive the principle home doesn't it.

Now I know I'm over the top with this, but I'm just trying to make a point.

My point is that in all situations their is not just ONE correct answer.

[5ft Diva]

Good thoughts everyone, this is helping me understand that I actually teach my children lots of principles and I had no idea.

BS, I agree w/ your line of thinking and we actually already teach this in our home, you just didn't realize it. We tell our kids, "leave things better than you found them". One of the applications that goes along w/ this is "Don't litter". I have talked to our kids about doing that physically as well as verbally, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. I think kids don't realize that whenever you say something or do something, you're always leaving a trail of something behind you, is it good or bad? Hence, the "don't litter" concept. They've come home from school a couple of times referring to people who have littered in their lives (and they use that term) and how it felt crummy.

Like I said, I had no idea we were teaching as many principles as we were. Go us! I really appreciate everybody's ideas because I'm starting to formulate how I want to express myself to my kids. It's a heck of a lot better than how I'm doing it now!

[5ft Diva]

Yes, reinforce the principle!

"How would you want someone to treat you if they hit you?"

I would want them to say sorry."

"Okay, then I would suggest you go say sorry to your brother."

The principle is being taught here and not another rule. The way I was doing it was the rule: when you hit, go say sorry, WRONGO! Great example, BS and great questions! I had no idea I was teaching the concept in such a backwards style. What would I do w/o you?

[Meticulous madness]

First of all...I love everybody's insight about this so far. This is the phase of life I'm in (my oldest is a 3), and I love to hear what works for other families!



I just have to ask, though, and forgive me if I'm not understanding your question the right way, 5D...

But, aren't having rules the BEST way to teach principles? I mean, how can you have one without the other?

In my mind I see a my computer screen, with a folder labeled principles as a broad topic, and then when you click on that folder you see a bunch of files labeled rules as the supporting items, and within those files of rules are sub-files of the actions and consequences. I'm seeing it as Hierarchal organization.

Once a child (or even an older person) understands rules and understands the consequences (and takes ownership of them) they can look a little deeper to find the origin.

I do believe that every rule should have a "rhyme and reason" attached to it. And the "rhyme or reason" should be clearly understood (which is the tricky part - and it all goes back to Dia's 'mess' example - which I really personally needed to hear).

If a child understands why the rule is in place, they will understand the principle behind it (eventually). This is the very reason I don't like the phrase, "Because I said so" or "Because I'm the mom/dad."

These phrases aren't bad in and of themselves, and I do think kids should have a healthy dose of understanding that you CAN (as a parent or caregiver) do things, or demand things in a child's best interest, for which you don't need a reason; however, 99 out of 100 times it's more effective to have "back up" for why things need to be done a certain way, or not done - or whatever. Does this make sense? Was this the longest run-on sentence you've ever seen? Am I rambling? I believe I am.

Overall, I guess everything (in my mind) just goes back to communication. If you tell a child a rule, be comfortable enough to explain why the rule is a rule and be open to questions in return. This type of dialogue builds trust and open-ness.

I can count on one hand the times in my life that my mom or dad tried to enforce a rule without logical and legitimate backup. And for those one or two times they relied on the spirit to assist, "saying they didn't have a reason, but that they just FELT I shouldn't do something." I completely trusted them!

I hope I didn't veer too much from the topic.

[5ft Diva]

I think it depends on where you are in life. Biblically speaking (I hope I have these events correct in my head), the children of Israel chose not to live by principles so they got the Law of Moses (rules) instead and then principles were brought into the picture later when the Savior was on the Earth.

As I was reading your post, MM, the thought came to me that this is why the first teachings of principles come through our example. Then, when we give our children rules they already understand why they're being instructed this way because of the way they've seen us live and we're just adding to it by further explanation (line upon line). When we teach rules that contradict our lifestyles then we set ourselves and our children up for failure. Our words become constrictive and it's like putting a sense of who we are in a box, so to speak, and why we are afraid of coloring outside the lines. Only having a sense of rules and no sense of principle is why I believe people end up feeling guilty. Broken rules lead to a sense of failure for many people; thank goodness for repentance! I believe this is why diets don't work, I believe this is why people aren't happy in their marriages, I believe this is why people aren't converted to their religious beliefs, I believe this is why society, as a whole, is falling apart.

When a child has a principle embedded in them (because of our example) then the rules aren't rules, they are applications to the principle and/or lifestyle. When one understands the vision, the means (rules) to get there doesn't feel constrictive any more, it is a sense of who you are and what you're working towards. Thank you for sharing your thoughts w/ me, MM. I didn't realize how much depth there was to this concept. I just thought it was pretty cut and dry but there is a lot of dichotomy to this.

Once again, it depends on who you are. There are kids who will get it just like that and others who will fight you tooth and nail every step of the way.

[Meticulous madness]

I definitely DO think it's a very deep concept. Kind of mind-boggling, really.

I think I diverted a bit from your question as well. I started the post, and it took me (literally) like an hour - because I was at work and kept getting distracted. Then when I went back there were a ton of other thoughts and ideas that I hadn't read yet. And when I re-read your question (and my response) I felt a little bad that I totally got off subject AND misunderstood the bulk of the thread. Sorry about that.

Anyway, your explanations and thought-processes are very deep, too - and well worded!

I thoroughly enjoy talking to you (and reading your stuff). I learn so much and I love this site!

[5ft Diva]

I didn't feel like you veered. Who's to say this conversation has to keep going in a certain direction? It is what we make of it. I felt what happened was synergy; you and I together came up w/ something more than what we could've come up w/ on our own. Isn't that the fun part of life? I just hope you enjoyed the ride....and I hope we're not done w/ the conversation. I value your insight, please send any additional thoughts or tips my way. If you'll remember, I started this thread because I couldn't wrap my head around this concept so I wanted everybody's thoughts on it. Something I'm still working on.

[Dia Minha]

Diva, yesterday I decided since I admitted that I hadn't clean off my computer desk in about six months and since I was at my computer chatting anyway, while waiting for replies, I started in on the stacks of papers arranged around my work area. Now that I have gotten completely off subject I'll tell you what I came across.

There is a pamphlet put out by the church called, 10Ways to Teach Values in the Home. It is very in-expensive, yet very informative. I picked it up at the distribution center for $1. It could be order on-line off the LDS.org website. I tried to paste a link, but it was all cuckoo. Just go to LDS.org and click on Gospel Library and then Order Church Material. Type in the title of the pamphlet in the Quick Search box in the upper right hand corner.

Just thought it might be something you could use and enjoy.

Dia