"Making Out"

[Mamallama]

My daughters were talking with me the other day about how disappointed they are in many of the "good" church boys in high school and graduated boys that are preparing to go on missions--even those with mission calls in hand, because many of them think that "making out" is perfectly acceptable. There are some in particular out in Tooele, who are trying to "make out" with as many girls as they can before they leave justifying this behavior by saying it's because they are going to have to give this up for two years, that they need to get as much in now as they can. (Now it takes two to tango so it's not just the lds boys that have this problem...the lds girls are who they are making out with!)

Even with all of the teaching we do with the 'For Strength of the Youth" pamphlets etc...maybe we are we failing to define and be specific enough with our youth what is acceptable---when it comes to holding hands, hugging, and kissing while dating in high school and beyond high school before you get married.

Often I hear LDS middle schoolers talking of who they've been kissing and they think it's okay because they are not "dating". So are we teaching that kissing is okay in middle school as long as you are not dating?!! I think we focus so much on the term "dating" that we forget to teach what exactly the reason is for waiting until your older to date and maybe forget to define what exactly is okay to do and not to do.

I'm curious as to how you all are preparing your kids now for the "dating" ages? How do you define to them what physical behaviors are okay and how, what, where and when they need to draw the line for what is unacceptable?

[natickgirl]

Very eye-opening. I think I'm being a bit of an ostrich with my head buried in the sand because I don't want to even think about what's coming in the next few years. My oldest is 12, and I've been trying to casually ask about his friends, girls, etc. We've talked a little about how it was inappropriate for kids in MA, where we moved from, to be "going together" in 5th grade. I guess it's time to start talking more specifics...

[5ft Diva]

This is a really good question, ML! Sorry it's taken me so long to respond.

I don't think I do a very good job teaching my kids what's acceptable and what's not acceptable. I want to believe that they don't know what making out is. Thankfully, BS has a large family that covers what we miss. Lots of cousins and lots of aunts and uncles speak up right away when they hear (or see) something that isn't in line with our values. This isn't to say that I let extended family do all the teaching, I'm just grateful that they reinforce what I do teach and aren't afraid to cover what I've missed.

We also have those "You know that's not healthy and even natural behavior for a girl/boy at that age, right?" type discussions. I have no problem pointing that out to my boys so that they will steer clear of girls who are only after one thing....to feel loved for all the wrong reasons. I want them to understand the difference between healthy like and unhealthy like. You know? Plus, I WAS one of those girls when I was in high school and believe me when I say it isn't good for her, either. Let her find herself just by being her friend.

What do you do, ML? You're the most experienced of all of us. I think you have words of wisdom we could all use.

[Erudite]

Yikes. I'm with you on I want to believe that my 13 yo ds doesn't even know what it is....and honestly, he seems like he doesn't. But I just finished a book (and am about to write a book review on it) where they talk about kids as young as 13 at parties performing sexual acts they believe are not actually sex. First...ewwww! I can't even imagine doing such things at such a young age with boys who are by no means monogamous!!!

Second, I guess I need to be more aware. My DS is just starting to be of an age where he wants to go to parties, though there are not very many happening as yet, so I know I probably need to have a few more frank talks with him. This book talks about how to fit "sex" or "drugs" talks into everyday life, such using simple opportunities like a news item on teenage pregnancy to reinforce values and start a conversation. I guess we all need to do reinforcing rather than a one time BIG TALK on the topic.

Here's a pet peeve for me...movies where sex is a first date thing and "I love you" is the big catastrophic, OMG moment. SOOO backwards! But that could be a point where we might have a small conversation about the importance of the order of the steps..."hey let's go out to a movie with a group", then "let's just see just each other because we've both served a mission" with a couple of appropriately placed kisses and the occasional hug, then "I love you" with a lots of appropriately placed kisses and hugs, then "I do", then sex.

Yep...gotta add that to the parenting list.

[5ft Diva]

Good point, E. My little kids always talk to me about "When I'm a dad..." and I explain to them when that should take place. I should probably start asking them - When will you be a dad? - just to know that what I'm saying is sinking in.