My teenage son has decided he is an Atheist

[LostnFound]

I haven't been on this site for quite sometime, but thought it would be a great place to ask advice from all of you. In the last few months my teenage son has decided to stop taking Seminary Classes at his high school and now suddenly informed me that he doesn't believe in God and no longer wants to attends any church activities. As you can probably guess, I am shocked. I truly didn't see it coming. I am trying to stay calm, and not overreact. I am at a total loss as to what to do in this situation. I don't know of any parents who have dealt with this to turn to talk to about it. It would be one thing if he had problems with our religion, and wished to search out other religions. That I could deal with, but to deny there is a God altogether, I am clueless of how to help him. Obviously I am going to keep on just loving him, and supporting him, but do I assume it's just a phase and be patient and wait it out and give him space? Aaaah, I am so lost!!

[bookworm]

Oh wow, LnF, that is a toughie. That's probably almost as difficult as if a son (or daughter) were to tell you they were gay. Yikes. I don't even know what to tell you, except to recommend the book I keep recommending here, "Christlike Parenting" by Glenn Latham. They have it at Deseret Book and Amazon.com. If nothing else, you will find some good parenting advice in it, which might guide you to what the Lord wants you to do to handle this situation.

Personally, I've never thought about this happening, either. I will say this, though, it isn't over until it's over. This is what my dad has come to realize about my brother who is gay. Though the road may seem dark, you aren't looking at eternity, and a lot can change over time.

Has he explained how he came to believe this? Is this the result of feeling like his prayers have gone unanswered? (I know the feeling...) or because he doesn't see the evidence in the world around him of God? I'm really curious.

I think you are doing the right thing, not overreacting and not shunning him. It could be a phase, or him testing you guys as parents. It could be a temporary thing and one day he will realize that all along God was waiting for him with open arms. I can't imagine what advice to give you, but I would probably continue life as it is, including him in all family events and taking every tiny opportunity to talk about my faith, but in a matter-of-fact way, not like "I'm making a big deal of this to try and change your mind". Teenagers realize that they can think for themselves and sometimes they choose something drastically different than their parents do or teach as a way of asserting that independence. How painful for us parents, though!

The truth is, what can you do? You can't force him to believe something; that might be partly why he's doing this-- because no one can force him to do otherwise. You really only have two choices: damage the relationship by making a big thing out of it, or give him space, make sure he understands that house rules and standards still apply (I would say family night is a must, but it's hard to enforce church attendance if it's going to become a battle every Sunday, so I don't know about that...), and just love love love him. If you come out with your relationship intact, then when he is ready to come back to the fold, he'll know you are there and waiting with open arms.

Know that I'm praying for you and him.

[Big_Sissy]

Wow, have you talked to his brothers about it? They can probably shed some much needed light on this.

My 1st thought is this is just a phase or a cry for attention.

My 2nd thought is that more than likely his friends (probably the ones at school) are helping him come to this conclusion. It's amazing how hard our children try to fit in somewhere. Even if it's in the wrong place. We all want to belong... somewhere.

My 3rd thought relates to sin. If he's gotten himself into something he knows is wrong, a common tendency rather than "repenting" is to just deny it. If it's not true, you don't have to worry about it.

This is one of my worst nightmares. So for that, I am really sorry. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling from this.

The one thing you CANNOT do is try to control him on this topic. Personally, I would take this one to the Lord and get his thoughts on this. A temple trip and/or a day of fast might be helpful also.

With Conference happening this last weekend I can't help but feel their were some messages in there for you and this situation. I'm just going off my gut here, so please don't be offended, but give these three talks a watch again as I have a feeling they have something to offer you in this situation. Listen for the message for you as it relates to this.

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Again, I didn't post this to offend, I'm just posting my thoughts and trying to offer some thoughts, and hopefully help in some way...

[LostnFound]

Big Sissy, his older brother has had some chats with him, and advised him to do some searching and just simply ask if there is a God. His brothers have been pretty supportive of him through this time in his life. As far as his closest friends, they are all of our faith, and great role models for him and so I'm sure that there is no influence in that area. There is however a correlation of a sin that took place in his life and his change in feelings towards Seminary and now his feelings of there being no God. I have mentioned the timing of the two circumstances, but he gets very angry when I mention this to him.

Thank you both for your suggestions on books and talks at our recent General Conference. I am eager to read all of the suggested material.

I have been hanging on tightly to my Heavenly Father for answers, and am trying my hardest to be patient and wait for answers that I know will eventually come. But as I wait my heart continues to break for him. This is just something I hadn't really expected in life. I have been thrown a curve ball and am clueless what to do with it, except be patient!

[5ft Diva]

LnF, my heart goes out to you. (I have a copy of Christlike Parenting that I found at the DI if you'd like to borrow it.)

I agree with everything that has been said and wanted to just share a personal experience with you.

I had a son, when very young (about six years old) decided he would never get baptized because he felt Heavenly Father didn't ever answer his prayers, therefore, he must not exist. I know this doesn't even compare to what you're going through, but I understand the desperation you are feeling when you realize your child has the ability to think these things for themselves and that any push in the wrong direction could send them tumbling down the cliff and you'll lose them forever.

In the beginning I did everything wrong because, let's be honest, who's going to take a statement like that from a six-year-old seriously? Eventually I heard enough from him that I realized he was serious and had some logical reasons for why he felt the way he did. Like you, I prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would meet this boy's needs. I kept handling it all wrong because I was going about this my own way. It wasn't until I turned to Heavenly Father and approached it in the "this is your child and you know what he needs more than I do - tell me what to do" way that I could see the right seeds being planted. It was a very slow process and the two constant things I kept feeling throughout this was that I needed to bear my testimony to my son that Heavenly Father does hear us and answers our prayers and to help my son recognize what the Holy Ghost feels like.

I can tell you that it wasn't through me that my son finally came to know that Heavenly Father answers prayers. The means came two years later through an inspired Primary teacher's assignment that my son came to know that Heavenly Father answers prayers. Because of the relationship I had with my son he came to me to search out an answer and I could tell this particular experience was different than any other I was used to having with my son and I prayed my entire way through it. I challenged him to go pray about the answer and as he prayed, I prayed as hard as I could that Heavenly Father would allow my son to glimpse eternity, if even for a second, and see that everything he had been taught was indeed real and true.

Now I know that this experience pales in comparison to your own and that the reasons behind your son's doubts are different, but my point in sharing it is to illustrate that the answer didn't come through me (his parent). My job throughout it all was to simply direct him to find the answers and the groundwork for that experience took a minimum of two years.

On the other hand there is me. I was 16 years old, a junior in high school, when I decided I wanted nothing to do with the church any more. It had so much to do with sin, but my feelings also stemmed deeply from the pain that others (faithful members of the church) brought into my life. I couldn't understand how people who believed in a God who is loving and kind could be so cruel, therefore, if this is what being a member of the church turns you into then I wanted NOTHING to do with any of it. It was a very conscious decision on my part.

I didn't share my feelings with my parents, but I fought going to seminary and to YW tooth and nail. (Church just wasn't negotiable so I didn't even try.) I had always known what I was taught was true, but it was too painful to admit it was true due to years and years of pain and suffering brought on by the hands of others, so my response was to build a very hard shell/wall around me in order to survive from day to day and I had to allow that wall to come down before I could change. It was finally through the means of music and a friend who let me talk my way through my feelings when I finally softened my heart enough to allow the Spirit back into my life. I went through a long and painful repentance process my senior year and I started the healing process through forgiveness towards others which I am still working on to this day. I guess my point in telling you this is that even though your son is saying he doesn't believe, I would bet that he still does and he's just trying to convince himself that he doesn't - because admitting there is no God or denying all that is true allows you to stay numb to whatever it is you're trying not to feel and many times that is simply God's love. I don't know if this makes any sense.

Keep doing all that you can to teach him so that when he is ready to come back he will know how to do it or at least will know who he can turn to when that happens.

I love you lots!

[Big_Sissy]

The fact that he gets angry when "sinning" is mentioned is a dead give away.

Does he get mad over any of the other possible reasons? I'm guessing not.

This to me is good news. It tells me he still believes. Consequences are pretty tough, and for our 14 year old he doesn't like them one bit. He wants the choice, but not the consequence.

[LostnFound]

Diva, thanks so much for sharing that personal experience with me, it gives me hope! I would love to borrow that book from you. I feel so much better being able to open up about this and hear everyones feedback. It has been very therapeutic for me to express how I feel and what I am going through.

[natickgirl]

I don't have any advice to give, but I'm thinking about you. Parenting is SO HARD! Wouldn't it be nice if kids, especially teenagers, came with instruction manuals? Hang in there. I'm sure your son knows you love him.