Need some parenting perspective

[5ft Diva]

I'm starting to see a pattern in my parenting style that needs to change and the quickest way I know how to change is through perspective so I have a question for all of you that I hope you will answer.

My problem may seem a little silly, but my kids are reaching the age where they complain all the time when I ask them to do something. I've come to the realization (today) that when I ask them to do simple things like take out the garbage, put their clothes in the laundry basket, put their shoes away, take a shower, ect., they are going to complain. It's a given. What I haven't figured out yet (because I only realized this today) is how to be 'normal' when they do complain and to not get upset or step up on a soap box because they are complaining.

I've noticed that my initial reaction is filled w/ good intentions and it is to try to explain to them the reasoning behind my request and yet I've learned that all that does is cause a cycle of contention. This is where I'm confused a little bit. Should I say anything at all? And if I should say something, what should it be? I'm finding that when it comes to my older kids I'm totally clueless. Does my question make sense?????

I know it seems like I took a long time getting to the point. I don't know if its because I needed to explain myself or if it's because I'm venting. I have some ideas of why they're doing what they're doing, I just don't really know how to respond it.

TIA

[Erudite]

My 5 yoDS is ALL OVER this! Everytime we ask him to do anything he is suddenly "so tired" and "very badly" needs to rest. I just ignore it. Or go "yeah, yeah, do it anyway." But I'm still waiting for him to realize he isn't going to get out of it.

Then there's the 12 yoDS, who is just sure that he shouldn't have to clean up anyone else's mess, so he spends most of his assigned cleaning time trying to get everyone to come and load their own dishes, pick up their own shoes, or whatever. We've tried explaining he's spending more time making everyone unhappy than it would take for him to just do it, and we've explained that the whole zone cleaning thing means that you clean the zone, no matter whose mess it is...it is YOUR zone. If he's in a mood, nothing works, but sometimes he just goes to the job and surprises me too.

Maybe they just need to grow up some more? There is a point at which they realize the world doesn't revolve around them. And guess what? It's our job as parents to point that out, and often till they get it. Unfortunately, it's about the time you want them to go off to college.

[natickgirl]

Ugh! I soooo hear you both. I'm to the point now that I don't even listen to their arguments. If I even so much as hear their 1st sentence out, they become encouraged, and seem to think that if they continue talking (or sulking) about it, they can get out of it. Sorry--not gonna happen, folks.

I sometimes resort to setting the timer and leaving it at that. I ignore their complaints, and let the timer be the "bad guy." I'm a witch, I know. But, kids do need to learn they have to do their share of the work, NO MATTER WHAT, and that sometimes we ALL clean up after other people. If they fail to accomplish the first chore (or try to cajole someone else into doing it for them) they are "awarded" a 2nd chore (or the other person's chore, too) until they realize it's better to just DO IT THE 1st TIME!

Kids are kids & they are going to complain. I sure did as a kid, and I sometimes still do throw fits. I'm trying to acknowledge their dislike of chores, but let them know that doesn't get them out of doing their fair share. Sometimes, I'll give the kids a choice: do the small task I've asked them to do, or do the entire "big" chore. (For example: load their own dishes into the dishwasher, or do ALL the dishes. Put their own clothes into the hamper, or do the ENTIRE wash. Pick up their stuff from off the floor so someone else can vacuum, or do the vacuuming, too.) It's amazing how that motivates them to do their part!

Good luck.

[5ft Diva]

Those are great consequences, NG. Thanks for your input.

Can you give me some advice on how you acknowledge your children's dislike for chores w/o the contention?

[natickgirl]

I'll just say something like, "I know vacuuming isn't the funnest thing to do, but it needs to be done." Or, "I understand that you don't like to clean the bathroom. I don't either. Sometimes we all have to do things we don't like." Or, "What would happen if we never cleaned/did dishes & laundry/went to work, etc. just because we didn't enjoy it?"

Sometimes I simply say "hmmmmm" or "oh". Occasionally, I even tell them they have 10 seconds (or 30) to tell me just how badly they dislike what I'm asking them to do. When they are finished, I'll say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Please go do it now." They get to voice their complaints, but the job still needs to be done.

I don't always respond well, and I definitely do my fair share of nagging, yelling, and lecturing, but I'm working on it.

[Lovechop]

These suggestions are probably things you've already tried and they surely will seem strange coming from someone with really young children, but over the last couple weeks I've been listening to 1-2-3 MAGIC on CD when I'm in the car. A few of the suggestions that the guy gives in your situation are rewards and punishments. Sounds obvious, right?

He suggested having a specific videogame or something that they really want that you keep locked up. The only way they get to play the game is to "earn" time on it by having their chores done each day (to earn minutes) and doing special jobs when you ask (to earn more points). Let's say picking up their room is worth ten minutes. Every minute they waste whining is deducted from the total possible minutes earned. Hopefully they'll catch on that if they whine for 8 minutes before they clean the room, they only earn 2 minutes on the game! And they had to clean it up either way! After they play the game for those earned minutes, you take it back and lock it up. He said that it doesn't have to be a videogame, but it does need to be something they'll really crave. The key is to keep it infrequent and not easily accessible, so they don't get sick of it quickly. Oh, another example for the reward minutes was to earn minutes for staying up late.

The second suggestion was for punishing. He said that by the time kids are old enough to REALLY get into the complaining thing, they're also old enough to understand money. His suggestion was to ignore the whining for awhile and then if they're really not giving in(or if you first try the above example and they've already lost all possible minutes), to tell them that you'll set the timer for...let's say 10 minutes. If they accomplish the task in ten minutes you don't say another thing about it. And DON"T bug them about it while the timer is counting down. He said to let the timer do the bugging. He's of the opinion that parents do way too much talking and negociating. Anyways...tell the child that if they DON"T do the task within the ten minutes, you'd be happy to do it for them, but the child owes you 25 or 50 cents from his/her allowance. No negotiating. Just state the deal and ignore the whining. He also suggested having actual jars on the counter with each family member's name on their own jar, so when the money is transferred it's a physical, noticable difference.

I think the authors point is really, even though it sounds horrible, to hit them where it hurts the worst, for lack of a better way to put it. Hope that helps...and let ME know so I'll be ready for my future whiners!

[Big_Sissy]

Of those things mentioned, the money and timer would work. The rest only work for the younger ones. We'll have to give that a shot and see how it goes.

[5ft Diva]

These are really great suggestions. Thanks, gals! Now I just need to find the time to implement them....

[bookworm]

All this is great stuff- I would recommend reading "Christlike Parenting" (I know, I've mentioned it before, I'm sure)- it opens with a story about a mom and daughter at chore time. It's an amazing book. By Dr. Glenn Latham

Good luck- I think all my kids are doing this now... some more than others. Oh well. It must be VERY normal. Today I told my oldest DS, "Well, just wait until you live on your own and you have to do ALL the chores all by yourself!" I'm not in good form today, that wasn't a helpful response to the complaining, I know. I'm sick (strep!) and DH is recovering from surgery, and the house has gotten absolutely trashed this week- what little energy I've had has gone into taking care of DH, so I wasn't on top of anything. It's been insane. Today we did get most of it cleaned up, although I was in a terrible mood most of the day. That doesn't help, huh?

[5ft Diva]

Hope you fel better, BW.

[bookworm]

Thanks- yes, much better. I love antibiotics

[Stargazer]

LC, thanks for bringing up 123 magic. I have the book but haven't read it for years. My kids are on the whine wagon with all of yours. I tell them that we are a family and we all live in the house so we all take care of it. I try to regularly comment on how great it feels after we've cleaned it. The other day they spent about 2 hours cleaning their rooms and the moment DH walked in the door they pushed him upstairs to see how great they looked. He made sure to point out to them how excited they were about what they'd accomplished.

Another thing that works, especially with the younger ones (although you have to be ready to follow through - and that is hard) I tell them you clean it or I'll clean it and you know what happens when I do it. Although I have had to make a couple trips up the stairs with a garbage bag, I've never actually had to throw anything away because they always beat me to the job when that phrase comes out.

I honestly think that focusing on the positive aspects will be the best teacher in the long run, but that sure doesn't help when your in the middle of it. Good luck.

[Stargazer]

I just had another thought. We have spent a lot of time lately focusing on respect, and that has included talking about respect for their belongings and for our home. We try to help them understand that we clean our house because we should respect it. That it's a great blessing to have it.