needing advice

[5ft Diva]

My daughter is throwing tantrums whenever she doesn't get her way. I'm not sure if we taught her to be that way or if she's just that way. We try really hard to ignore it. Whenever she is throwing a tantrum (not the big one - the little annoying ones) I tell her to stop and calm down. Then I tell her what I need to hear instead of the crying so I can meet her needs. Then I tell her, "Good job!" and then we move forward. (If she's throwing a big huge temper tantrum that she won't calm down from she gets to go sit in her room until she's ready to calm down and then she's invited to come out.)

I'm just not sure if this is an effective method because I'm not seeing any difference. I don't necessarily expect to right away - I just want to make sure that what I'm doing is going to end up a good thing later on.

What do you think? Is this helpful or am I "feeding the troll" by acknowledging her? What have you guys done that works?

[bookworm]

I really wish I had mastered this sooner with my third DS. We still have issues with him hollering and stomping and whining when he doesn't get his way. All kids do these things and sometimes even after they've "learned" not to, they will try it again years later to see if it works. I'm still practicing the following:

I've learned that the best thing to do is simply withdraw. Children crave their parents' attention above everything else, so when they understand that a certain behavior makes Mom's attention disappear, they stop behaving that way.

This isn't a perfect system, but I would say, walk away. I wouldn't even pick her up and move her or send her away, just walk away (assuming she's in a safe place). Not a word, not any emotion, just withdraw. Unless you feel you need to clarify to her, "I'll talk to you when you are as calm as I am". Then walk away. These are Love and Logic tips, btw, and they work well with kids of all ages, but ESPECIALLY toddlers/preschoolers.

They (the Love and Logic guys) talk about not "reasoning with a drunk" and a child in tantrum mode is "drunk" on frustration or some other emotion- they are unreasonable, they are simply unable to focus and listen. It's a funny analogy, but it works. When I'm drunk on anger, I am beyond reasoning with. The same thing goes for drunk on tired, drunk on hungry, etc. Children cannot be reasoned with in these states. They must have the drunkenness removed first.

Good luck, Diva. I TOTALLY understand this one...