No turning back now...

[5ft Diva]

I remember after, and I mean RIGHT after, I got married I kind freaked out realizing I had changed the course of my life forever and that there would be no turning back. I had the same feeling after my first baby was born. It was like I had opened a floodgate and there was no way of stopping it now so I better just enjoy the ride. I knew that that's what I was doing when we decided to start having children, but it never REALLY registered until I was actually at that point in my life. Did any of you have those kind of wake up calls after your kids were born or were the kind of person who wasn't even phased by it? What's the first "responsible" solution you remember having after having your first baby? You know the one that your mom always came up with...until now? My questions are all over the place, hopefully you are able to follow me.

[natickgirl]

I'm not completely sure what you're asking, but I have had several "Here goes -- no turning back!" situations in my life...huge decisions that have impacted my family forever.

Looking back, I realize that one decision leads to another, and that entire sequences of events spanning months, years, or even lifetimes can be altered by one choice. For example, choosing to stay home & go to the U rather than away to school, and choosing to get involved with the LDS sorority enabled me to meet my husband. Had I gone somewhere else, I would have met someone else, I'm sure.

Realizing that it really was OK for me to stay in school, as my husband encouraged, rather than drop out & start working full-time to support him through school was a big thing for me. I had always assumed a man's education was of the ultimate importance, and that a dutiful wife willingly set her studies aside for him. Fortunately, my husband was wise enough to encourage me to finish. We actually went through commencement together. (My one regret is that I didn't stick with nursing or Child Life therapy.)

I also had an "a-ha" moment when I realized that it is also OK to take a few years to grow, mature, and get to know each other as a married couple before having kids. I felt a lot of guilt at first, and put up with a lot of subtle and not-so-subtle hints from my MIL, but looking back I realize that I was so young (I married at 20), immature, and somewhat traumatized by my mother's death (I was 21) that having kids in the first few years of marriage would have been disastrous for me, for my husband, and for my children. I don't think I even thought of myself as a "grown-up" until I had finished my training with DCFS.

Having our 1st child was a huge decision. Deciding to go back to work part-time after he was born was a huge decision. (I worked approx. 10 hours from home and 10 hours "in the field" each week.) I know this is not the solution for everyone, but I feel it was best for my family, and I would do it again. By the time I had my 2nd, I was ready to be a SAHM.

Other major life-changing decisions include deciding to live in Bountiful, purchasing a home, having each child, realizing that our family was complete with "only" 3 children, moving to MA, moving back to UT, deciding not to move back into our home. Each decision has had a major impact on our lives.

The biggest thing I've learned from all these decisions is not to think about the "what ifs". Once you make a decision & move forward with it, there is no turning back. It is good to learn from mistakes, but it is not good to dwell on them.

What were you thinking, 5ft?

[5ft Diva]

Oh, nothing specifically - I just meant that I hoped that my questions weren't so all over the place that the dots couldn't be connected. I hadn't thought of it like you did, NG, that every decision leads to another....etc. That sure is something to chew on.

I was more thinking (in terms of me) about the big decisions I've made. (i.e., getting married, having children, choosing to raise them full time rather than going to work and raising them) and how once they were made there was absolutely no turning back. Kind of like finally jumping off the back of the boat or getting on the ski lift. There's no rewind buttons - just forward from here. But now that you bring up the concept of each choice leading to another and another and where we end up from there it leads me to think of things like choosing to talk to a friend about a difficult matter. Do I or don't I? In each situation where I chose to confront the issue - a stronger relationship was forged. Well, that is only 99% true, not all relationships are perceived as relationships to both parties. In that case, that friendship fizzled.

My husband deciding to transfer jobs to another state so that another co-worker, who would have been canned due to lay-offs, could keep his job. That altered our lives on so many levels.

Deciding on my own to see a therapist.

Deciding to take a break from my siblings and parents for a year.

Deciding that it was time to relieve myself of a burden that was once completely mine to bear and not mine to own which allowed everyone involved to finally breath a sigh of relief.

These are simple things and, at the time, seemed a bit selfish because they were going to help me feel better (a.k.a. progress). I now can see how these decisions have helped me feel more comfortable in my own skin. Man choices really are a gift, aren't they?!

Sorry, total tangent here.

[natickgirl]

So, I'm reading Charles Dickens' Great Expectations right now. I came across this great passage that fits with the discussion we had re: defining moments in our lives...

"That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course wouls have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have boudn you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."

It made me think of the links on the chain of wifehood, motherhood, studenthood, primary presidenthood, etc. that all began with one event. These are not bad chains, as in bondage, but more a chain or events or a path of life. Pretty cool, eh?

[5ft Diva]

Very cool indeed. Thanks for the connection.