Rewarding children

[5ft Diva]

I've often heard that rewarding children is a good thing to do. I do not come by this naturally and have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea because I feel we all should just do what we're asked to do because it needs to be done. I'm not saying this is a healthy perspective, I just can't see it any other way.

Recently I have become aware of a particular child in my home, and I don't want to be accused of playing favorites so should probably also include any one of my children in this category, who need this kind of positive reinforcement. How do you reward your children for the simple tasks you give them. Do you ever stop rewarding them or is there an age limit to this practice? Any constructive perspective on the subject would be appreciated since I can't seem to pull myself out of the mold of: You will do what I asked because I asked you to.

Like I said, I don't profess this to be healthy, just where I am in all of this.

TIA

[bookworm]

Well, many things count as rewards to children- a smile, thank you, pat on the back, "well done!", etc.

I don't reward specifically for chores done, but by doing them they earn video game time, tv time, etc. It's just how it is. I try to give a LOT of positive feedback all day long, so I feel like I reward my children for their good choices in letting them know how pleased I am with them. Does that make sense? I don't tie allowance to chores, although I've considered it, but for now, I don't.

Some kids need more verbal affection, some more physical, some need more praise, etc. I have one son who does great with a hug and a high-five, and one who really needs more hugs and one who responds well to verbal praise. I don't know if that's what you were looking for, but it's what I've got!

[5ft Diva]

Good info. Thanks!

These kinds of rewards I can handle, mostly because I'm doing them already. I guess what I'm needing to work on is attaching thier good behavior or good deeds to something they're already interested in.

I'll give going to the library as an example. Because my life is so busy my kids come and ask me when we can go to the library and we get out my planner, look for a free time, and then schedule it in. We then go whether or not chores are done, but I can now see that I can use this as a reward rather than just something we've planned. I don't know if this makes any sense. I definitely use playing w/ friends this way, but have never thought of adding it to anything else and this is vey helpful because they don't always want to play with friends.

Thanks!

[natickgirl]

I agree that kids should not be paid to do things they should do anyway. If you are part of the family, you do your share of the work. I certainly don't get paid to do the chores I do every day.

I like what BW said about rewarding with praise, affection, etc. I also reward with computer time, friend time, library visits, and fun activites. Sometimes I reward with MY time ("I'll be free to help you with that if you help me with this first"). However, I will reward certain things with money every now & then...although I guess it's more like bribery, but it works!

For example, when my son was little & very shy, I bribed him with a treat to actually give his talk in Primary. He'd had several unsuccessful attempts, and he had to get over his fear. It worked! Once he was successful, he never needed a treat for that again.

When I was growing up, I used to hate to read, so my Mom would pay me to read certain books. Once I became hooked on reading, she discontinued the bribing. My love for reading continues even now & I'm grateful for her bribes.

I think monetary rewards, or things like stickers & treats work well for short-term, very specific tasks or goals. Once the milestone is reached, (potty training, overcoming performance anxiety, getting through a difficult book, learning Articles of Faith, etc.) the rewards disappear & the child is expected to continue the learned behavior without a reward.

Hope that makes sense. It's difficult when each child responds to different kinds of praise or rewards. (And I only have 3 to worry about.)

[5ft Diva]

This is good food for thought, NG. Thanks for the perspective. I like your ideas.

I was reading something this morning about disciplining children and was told that nine is an appropriate age to start attaching freedom to good behavior and deeds. I took the definition of freedom to mean computer time, tv time, play time, etc. I thought that was a good piece of advice so I wanted to share it here.

[Big_Sissy]

This is all good info. thanks for asking the question Diva, and thanks for the great answers everyone.

[5ft Diva]

Along w/ the hugs, pats on the back and sincere compliments, I have been thinking that I like the way my kids' school rewards students for good behavior. Our school gives out tickets for good behavior and then they can later redeem the tickets for prizes. My kids really love earning the tickets (I think it's like money to them on some level) and they love choosing the prizes.

I think I could let them use the tickets to redeem time for late-overs or PS2 and the other things that have been discussed on here. I'm not sure if my 11-year-old would take to this idea very well so I may have to try something else w/ him, but my 7 and 9 year old would love it.

Thanks again everyone for the great ideas!